Is Porn the Same as Adultery?
“You cried with her?!”
My wife appeared wounded, even a little threatened, when I described my conversation with a female employee. The young woman’s performance had been slipping the past few weeks and the perpetual look of distress on her face suggested problems at home were to blame. The simple question, “How are you?” opened a floodgate of tears as she described feelings of betrayal and despair because of her husband’s behavior. As she wept, I empathized with her pain and shed a few tears of my own. While I maintained strict physical boundaries with my coworker—I didn’t so much as pat her hand—my emotional response to another woman’s anguish triggered a protective instinct within my mate.
Charissa is neither insecure nor suspicious by nature. In fact, she quickly caught herself and recognized that I had simply empathized with the suffering of another person. Nevertheless, her visceral reaction gave me a fleeting glimpse into the mystery of womanhood. And the resulting conversation with my wife became the first step on a journey of discovery in which I learned just how differently men and women experience marital intimacy. Along the way, I also discovered a profound truth that explains why wives consider a man’s viewing pornography nothing short of adultery . . . and why men think they’re overreacting.
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For Her, It’s Mind over Matter
Men and women in lasting relationships share four fundamental connections: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. However, men and women establish these connections in different order and give them different priority.
Men build monogamy upon a foundation of physical connection. By that, I don’t mean touching, necessarily. Physical connection involves much more. Men need to be physically present with a woman in order to bond with her emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. He wants to be near her, to share time and experiences with her, to see her face and hear her voice, even before touching her for the first time. Physical connection is both primal and primary, which explains why men commonly dismiss long-distance relationships as futile, like having no relationship at all. This is not to suggest that men are fundamentally shallow; they simply experience the deeper aspects of intimacy by means of their physical senses.
Because physical connection comes first, physical connection remains foundational to intimacy. According to Willard Harley, author of the now-classic His Needs Her Needs, the top three relationship necessities for men are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, and a pleasing appearance—all sensory in nature.
Women, on the other hand, build monogamy on a foundation of mental connection, which is no less primal or primary than a man’s need to experience his mate through the five senses. In the beginning, when a woman is drawn to a man she finds interesting, she wants to know all about him, his character, his ideas, his interests, his goals. Being in his presence merely serves this need, but letters and long discussions by phone will do just as well. Generally speaking, a woman can tolerate a long-distance romance much better than a man, as long as she continues to experience a rich mental connection with her lover.
It should come as no surprise then, that this mental connection remains foundational to a woman’s experience of intimacy. According to Harley, she needs affection, conversation, and honesty/openness more than anything. While men automatically assume that affection means touching, women think of affection in terms of its mental and emotional significance. A tender note or an unexpected call “just because” are no less meaningful than a hug or a peck on the cheek.
In addition to affection, a wife needs conversation and honesty/openness from her husband. This mental connection to her husband is crucial to her sense of well-being.
To feel secure, a wife must trust her husband to give her accurate information about his past, the present, and the future. What has he done? What is he thinking or doing right now? What plans does he have? If she cannot trust the signals he sends . . . she has no foundation on which to build a solid relationship.
A woman experiences intimacy at its deepest levels when she enjoys complete access to her man’s mind. She feels closest and most secure when she can trust that he holds no secrets from her and when he freely shares his unfiltered, unedited thoughts with her. Even better when she enjoys exclusive access to his innermost self. So, when this connection is broken or violated, the fracture affects the entire foundation of her world.
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Making the Connection
Put simply, a direct correlation can be made between physical connection for a man and mental connection for a woman. The truth of this really hit home when I read Shaunti Feldhahn’s For Women Only. In her attempt to explain to women the significance of sex for men, she wrote,
For your husband, sex is more than just a physical need. Lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him as, say, his sudden silence would be to you, were he simply to stop communicating with you. It is just as wounding to him, just as much a legitimate grievance—and just as dangerous to your marriage.
This explains a lot! What the body is to a man, the mind is to a woman. Women treasure mental intimacy like men prize physical intimacy. And just like men expect women to keep their bodies exclusively for them, women expect their men to do the same with their minds.
I am just now beginning to understand what women mean when they say the brain is a sex organ. And I am just now recognizing why a wife feels so betrayed when her husband allows pornography to fondle his mind. She is deeply wounded on at least two levels.
First, pornography violates a wife’s exclusive domain.
Please bear with me as I illustrate the significance of this truth. My purpose is to help men appreciate the anguish women often experience, not to be offensive.
If you are a man, imagine your wife walking through a room full of men. They turn to notice her. Many leer. One reaches out and begins fondling intimate parts of her body. What do you hope she will do?
Every man hopes his wife will consider her body the exclusive domain of her husband, reserved for him alone—his eyes, his hands, his enjoyment—granting access to no other person. He hopes she will be offended, utterly outraged when touched by someone other than her husband. He hopes she will slap the violator’s hand away and then move quickly toward the exit. Every man expects his wife to guard her body from interloping hands, whether he’s present or not.
Now imagine the unthinkable. In response to the man touching her body, she pauses and smiles at him as he continues to grope. Another man sees an opportunity and touches another part of her. She doesn’t respond in kind, but she doesn’t rush for the door, either. In fact, she appears to enjoy the attention.
How do you feel right now?
This is how a woman feels when her husband allows sensual images to grope his mind, her exclusive domain.
Now imagine the additional pain you would experience if, after confronting your wife’s behavior, she justified or rationalized or minimized the incident. Oh, honey, it was harmless. I didn’t do anything in return. Besides, God made me an attractive woman; I can’t help what men try to do. The world is full of men who will try to touch me, should I lock myself away and avoid the whole world? You’re the only one for me, really. That incident didn’t mean anything!
There’s a lot of truth in what she says. She can’t help what a world full of men think or even try to do. Locking herself away isn’t a realistic answer. Perhaps to her it did mean nothing. But none of that is important. The facts are these: It meant something to you; she should care about that. She can’t control the actions of others; however, she can guard her response. She can’t stop men from leering, but she can avoid risky environments. Someday a man might try to touch her inappropriately, but she can slap his hand away and remove herself from the situation.
Sensual images seem less significant, less threatening to men. But not to women. A wife needs to know—not merely by her husband’s words, but by his behavior—that his mind is completely devoted to her. She understands that the world will continue to assault men with sensual images; nevertheless, she wants—no, she needs her man to protect and preserve what belongs to her.
Second, pornography destroys the foundation upon which a wife builds security.
Based on more than twenty years of research and innumerable hours in couples’ therapy, Willard Harley reduced the needs of women to a single word: security.
“A sense of security is the bright golden thread woven through all of a woman’s five basic needs. If a husband does not keep up honest and open communication with his wife, he undermines her trust and eventually destroys her security.”
Pornography is almost always a secret sin, the core element of a hidden other life. When a woman discovers that her husband has been devoting portions of his mind to sexually gratifying images and then closing off those areas to her, the revelation shakes her world to its very foundation. She naturally begins to wonder what other terrible secrets occupy the mind she thought she knew so well. And if she had been so mistaken about knowing her man’s mind, how can she be certain of anything else? Furthermore, his dishonesty destroys her trust, the essential basis of any relationship.
Ironically, when men discover they are victims of adultery, they frequently describe similar thoughts.
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Raising the Stakes
While men struggle to understand why women place pornography in the same category with adultery, we must try; or, at the very least, accept the testimony of women at face value. For women, whose intimacy rests upon a foundation of mental connection, the effect of pornography on marriage is very much the same as outright adultery. It destroys intimacy. It betrays trust. And, even when undiscovered, viewing pornography creates emotional distance. In the end, women suffer the same physical, psychological, and spiritual anguish men experience as a result of adultery.
Men, let us always remember that the mind we protect is not ours alone. When we allow an enemy to enter, our mate suffers greater injury than we realize. Therefore, guard your heart with all diligence. Your heart is more than the wellspring of your own life; it is also her fortress.
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This post is by Mark W. Gaither. Mark is the founder of 
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In every sex addiction recovery group I’ve been in there always seems to be one or two guys who never seem to be able to stop looking a pornography. Often they have stopped other behavior like going to strip clubs or seeing other women, but they can’t seem to let go of pornography. I think part of that reason may be because they don’t see it as all that serious. This article does a good job of helping men to see that there really is no difference in a partner’s eyes between stepping out with another woman and indulging in pornography.
Everything you said described to a T what my wife was feeling before we got married when I was still entangled in the snares of porn. Thank God, I’ve broken free from the chains that held me and we have a much more intimate relationship now.
Thank you for saying (with a man’s words) the very thing I need my husband to hear. We just had this discussion yesterday, when I discovered he was searching out porn and even live women on the internet (though I don’t believe he actually contacted any). I said it was cheating, and he laughed it off, saying that was a ridiculous comparison. To me, it truly is cheating, but I couldn’t verbalize why or how. Thank you, so much, for your help.
EyesWideOpen,
Stand firmly on what you know to be true. While perspectives are inherently subjective, your perspective is no less real or valid. If your husband won’t take your concerns seriously, I recommend stronger action.
I offer practical suggestions in the article, “My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do.”
As an mentor of mine once said, “Stupid should hurt.” Perhaps it’s time for destructive behavior to hurt!
I commend you, John and Johnny. You are rare men indeed. May you influence other trapped individuals to follow your fine examples.
Onward to Christ!
This guy is comparing the act of looking to the act of touching. Why not take this a step further and say, shouldn’t it be wrong for a woman or man to check out an attractive member of the opposite sex in public? Should the mere THOUGHT of something sexual regarding another person besides your significant other be looked down on? No… these are perfectly natural thoughts, and to feel a sense of guilt for having them is ridiculous.
Case and point: there is a difference between acting and thinking. A HUGE difference…and the fact that this guy is making the comparison and so many people are agreeing with him is a bit unsettling.
Looking at porn and having sex with another woman besides your wife are not even close…not even in the same ballpark.
Insanity.
@Brian – I don’t believe Mark’s point is that lusting and acting out are identical acts, but that they are both emotionally perceived as unfaithfulness by many wives. I think if you read the article more closely you’ll see that very clearly. I also don’t think that being attracted to someone and lusting are the same thing, and I don’t think Mark is linking these two things together at all.
Brian and Luke,
Luke is correct. The point of the article is to help men appreciate the perspective of women by analogy. I deal with the theological and real differences between viewing pornography and outright adultery in my article, “Is Pornography Grounds for Divorce.”
The fact is, viewing porn and adultery are not the same. Nevertheless, the pain porn causes wives on a relational and emotional level is just as deep. As men, we can either appreciate this basic fact, or we can adopt a narcissistic stance that says, “You’re simply overreacting, and that’s you’re problem.”
If we genuinely love our wives, however, we will care enough to spare them undue pain, even if we have trouble understanding it.
I just found this, and thank you for articulating what I haven’t been able to get through to my husband. I’m going to print this for him to read, and I’m hoping it will help.
I want to respond to what Brian said. Yes, there is a difference between porn and physical adultery. I think very few people disagree with that. But to compare it to “checking out” a hot girl/guy, there is a difference. If a really gorgeous woman walks by and my husband notices, that is natural and normal – I’m likely to look if a really good-looking guy walks by. But that is a chance happening, and not something we actively sought out. A man looking at porn does so deliberately with the intent of finding sexual images and getting a sexual satisfaction from someone other than his partner.
If a man accidentally walked in on a couple having sex, and it aroused him, I wouldn’t fault him that – it’s a natural response. But if he seeks it out, it’s a different thing altogether.
@Judy & EyesWideOpen – Hope this article will help you. Thanks for stopping by!
Judy,
The difference between how men and women view this issue is significant. Strange as it may seem to women, most men would say that viewing pornography has little or nothing to do with sex. Remember, men tend to view sex through the lens of physical contact. No touching = no sex.
Be prepared to be misunderstood. And I would caution you to avoid the hope that this article will turn on the lights for him. Habitual pornography viewing is a symptom of sex addiction, which is driven by selfishness. Because self-interest (narcissism) fuels the addict’s behavior, he will rationalize, twist, or ignore any perspective that threatens to separate him from his “drug.” His ability to empathize with your pain and then allow your suffering to become a motivation to change will depend largely upon the severity of his addiction.
Here is helpful tool to discern how trapped your husband has become: “Confronting Sexual Impurity Intelligently.”
If he will not take definitive steps to addressing his hurtful behavior, you may have to provide some additional incentive. I explain how in the article, I offer practical suggestions in the article, “My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do.”
I’m sorry you must deal with this terrible issue in your marriage. You undoubtedly feel very betrayed. Your protector has become the source of your greatest pain. No one should have to pay such a high price for intimacy.
I pray the Holy Spirit will crush him under the weight of His conviction, and that you will gain a husband who earnestly pursues Christ and passionately craves only you.
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Mark, I’ll tell ya what! How about you take seriously the words of Jesus when he says in the New Testament that if a man looks upon a woman with Lust in his heart he has already committed adultery. You and your stance on pornagraphy have just white-washed the detrimental effects this sin has on the heart of a woman and the man. Your advice for the woman to just remain with her husband and PRAY is ridiculous. Your advice to NOT tell anyone and keep his dirty secret and just bear it because it’s not really adultery is absolutely absurd. Since you are a MAN you can not fully understand the lasting effects this perverted behavior has on a wife, especially a Christian wife who thought she was saving herself by not marrying an “ungodly non-believer”. Pornography is WORSE then adultery with one person. The perverted man doesn’t just have his heart and mind with one other woman’s body, something a woman MIGHT seriously be able to compete with to win her husband’s heart back, but she is competing with thousands of air-brushed woman, who never say no, never talk back, never think he’s perverted. The Christian community better wake up to this DEADLY poison. It is WORSE, and has FAR more consequences then a live adulterous affair. It desensitizes the man to reality. He objectifies woman, people. Masturbating while viewing porn is said to have the same effects on a man’s brain as being addicted to “crack cocaine”. Also the effects of the porn use cause a man to become more and more deviant and more and more abusive. WAKE UP MARK. If you want to know about the effects of porn on a wife, start asking wives and women and God, not your male counterparts who are quite possibly doing porn themselves or have viewed porn over the course of their lives and haven’t never even bothered to consider the impact this has had on their own marriages, girlfriends. What a joke. Your advice is ridiculous, at best. If the man is unrepentent and professes to be a Christian or not, a much stronger stand has to be made. He will not change by just standing by him. He will not change by just praying. He will need much stronger consequences and then, even then, some men will choose the secret live of porn over their wives and family, however, if the man is a “Christian”, this may help him to turn his life back to God which is utimately what living is all about anyway.
[...] “Is Porn the Same as Adultery?” [...]
….Words of Jesus when he says in the New Testament that if a man looks upon a woman with Lust in his heart he has already committed adultery-
I agree with C.
i find it interesting that even those in Sexual Addiction accountability groups, will make them selves feel a bit better by saying.. well I didn’t have an affair, i didn’t to gay acts, etc.. . like not doing the actual act absolves them a bit more in the church world, versus someone that was caught in an affair. Just like someone can get drunk with out being a alcoholic … someone can have an affair with out being addicted to sex.- there are consequences to actions is the real point not what sex sin you were doing. there are some of us that were doing all of the above and very little repercussions, yet I know of a man who admitted he had a lustful thought about a woman at work, and his wife divorced him!! Talk about extreme !!!
Let’s not try to sooth our conscience by having degrees of sexual sin if it’s 1x or 10x a day depending on the vehicle of choice. Sin is sin in the midst of a pure and holy God. God’s grace is there for everyone to receive is free gift, if we turn away and turn to God.
es the bible does give rights to divorce for adultery, but few ever find healing after choosing that route, even justified. A marriage can be restored, but it’s not easy and some just don’t have that faith.
I welcome comments from anyone wishing to engage in a constructive dialog. That begins by accurately representing my views, which C has not. Virtually nothing she has articulated reflects my position. In fact, much of what she accuses me of saying stands in direct contradiction to what I have written on this site, my own blog, and in my book.
I never said a wife should keep her husband’s dirty little secret. In fact, in another article on this site, I wrote quite the opposite!
Far from suggesting the spouse of a sex addict merely “remain with her husband and pray,” I have repeatedly and consistently encouraged a very strong stand against this sin. I merely offer an alternative to outright divorce. Instead, as an alternative to divorce, I advocate and recommend Redemptive Divorce.
Mark, I enjoyed reading your article. I agree with most of what you wrote. But what is a wife to do when her husband says he would actually be “turned on” by her allowing the other men to fondle her as if she enjoys it. I am in a situation where my husband has vastly different views on sex than I do- I see it as a precious thing to share between a husband and wife and he sees it as recreation. I don’t want to get divorced over this- we have 3 children- and he has said he will put these feelings aside in order to preserve our marriage- but do you think we can agree to disagree on such a huge level?
Hi, Poppy
I would go even further to say that your husband’s views on sex are not merely different, but deviant. This is not just a disagreement over issues of preference. “I like chocolate; she likes vanilla.”
Your husband’s “feelings” stem from something much deeper and much darker than I think either of you realize. These urges do not simply go away and, more often than not, become unmanageable.
If he hasn’t already acted out sexually, he undoubtedly will. Unless…
The key here is to address the issue before it becomes a tragedy for your marriage and your family. I highly recommend you and he seek help for him. He needs a qualified, Christian therapist to help him discover the source of his dysfunctional appetite and to engage the Holy Spirit in addressing it.
The short, bottom-line answer to your question: No. You cannot agree to disagree. Your marriage is in danger, and you must seek help.
Here is a link to an article that includes contacts to practical helps: http://wp.me/pryqj-47.
I recommend you and your husband focus on the resources associated with “Level 3: Ritualized Impurity,” even if his activities don’t necessarily match.
Poppy, he will probably resist. He will accuse you of overreacting. He might even try to convince you that YOU are the “crazy one.” Remain strong in your convictions and discuss this with a Christian counselor who will help you keep your sanity. Trust me, situations like this can be come a crazy-maker.
Stand firmly on what you know to be the truth.
Mark,
I want to thank you for your article. My wife was comparing the physical act of cheating with porn. I was confused and could not see things her way. I knew what Jesus said about looking at a woman to lust after her. However I couldn’t grasp why she was so upset. Your article helped me to see her side and I can empathize with her a lot more. Thanks again.
Thank you for writing and having the courage to be so transparent. Many men who read this article either dismiss it or want to engage in a theological debate, which of course, strongly suggests they have missed the point! They use their own experience as the final authority.
Demonstrating the classic trait of the narcissist (an inability to empathize or relate to experiences that do not directly impact oneself), they dismiss the pain women feel simply because these men have not experienced it themselves.
By the way, it probably comes an no surprise that many porn addicts struggle with narcissism.
Your wife will experience profound healing if you express this kind of empathy for her pain. If you haven’t already, let me encourage you to give her this gift.
Thanks again for writing.