Breaking Free

Many thanks to the men and women who responded to my blog post, Husbands Who Watch Porn.  I’ve been interacting more and more with people and hearing more testimonies from couples who have experienced marital difficulties because of the problems associated with pornography use.  I wanted to pass along some helpful resources for wives in this blog post. Because of the shame and guilt associated with pornography use, one is often compelled to keep their struggle a secret. The exposure of a secret life is often more hurtful than the fact of the sexual struggle. For example, I was reading one blog the other day where a woman talks about her struggles coping with her husband’s addiction to porn and online cybersex chat:

“Niel’s online struggles are still a challenge at times. Several days ago, I caught him in a lie. The worst part was, he lied and then lied again to cover up those lies. I really don’t like not trusting him.”

She writes later:

“My biggest and hardest challenge continues to be Niel’s addiction. There isn’t much trust in our relationship. We are suppose to be talking every night about it, but he has been avoiding the talk for several days. My suspicions got the best of me and I went seeking through his Internet activity. Sure enough, I found what I was looking for . . . unfortunately. Once again he is chatting online. I am pretty sure he won’t tell me about it. The not telling me, or lying to me, is harder then the actual pornography chatting addiction.”

Support groups, websites and books dedicated to helping wives of porn addicts can now be found in many places:

• If you have time, listen to the interview online from Clay Crosse about his struggles with pornography and how his wife, Renee, worked through it. Their book, I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography, contains their story.

• New Life Ministries, with their popular Every Man’s Battle series, has written a number of helpful online articles about addiction and rebuilding trust in marriage. Their book, Every Heart Restored: A Wife’s Guide to Healing in the Wake of a Husband’s Sexual Sin, is another good resource.

• Steve Gallagher, former sex/porn addict and founder of Pure Life Ministries, has written some great books on pornography addiction. Pure Life’s website has a number of good articles for wives of porn addicts. Steve’s wife, Kathy, just released a book called When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart: Letters to Hurting Wives.

• Meg Wilson has written a book called Hope After Betrayal, with a message to women that says “You’re not alone.”

• An online resource called PornAddictHubby.com contains helpful resources on why pornography is so addicting, a library of recommended books, articles for hurting wives, counseling resources, and recommendations for Internet software.

• Private citizens are also beginning to use the Internet as a place where their voices can be heard. One blog, You Are Not Alone, is a support group for women whose husbands have porn addictions.

• I also recently found a blog called “Quitting Pornography: one man’s journey to get past his addiction (with help from his wonderful wife).” Read the stories and be encouraged.