About the author, Coach Laura

Coach Laura is a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Coach, trained by The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS). Her interest in coaching Betrayal Trauma survivors began in the aftermath of her own traumatic betrayal when it became clear that many professionals “just didn’t get it.” Laura is familiar with the physical, emotional, and mental pain the accompanies betrayal trauma and she is passionate about walking this journey alongside others, in hopes that no woman ever again has to walk this path alone.

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Porn and Your Husband

Parenting the Internet Generation Ebook Cover

Did you catch your husband watching porn? Learn the answers to common questions, tips to productive conversations, steps to setting boundaries, and how to determine the next steps for your marriage.

2 thoughts on “Can a Therapeutic Separation Help Our Marriage after Betrayal?

  1. My partner wanted divorce. For three months I watched as my marriage went into complete cascade failure. Nothing I could do or say could change the path toward destruction. It was terrifying to see the change in my spouse. She would say I was loyal to her and the children, but I could not convince her I loved her, and she gradually came to the conclusion she did not love me. She tried several times over several weeks to get me to say I wanted it myself using words that tore me apart, I had never given her pleasure, she could not stand my touch, she would not stroke me ego and tell me she found me handsome, I was too much like my father (something she knew from intimate sharing I hated in comparison). Finally, she approached me to say that early in our marriage she saw images I had been looking at though she had never brought it up. Based on the weeks prior, I knew it was likely a means of acquiring the right to divorce me. She has since admitted she cornered me with that intent. There were two schools of thought, one was “tell your spouse” and the other “don’t” both made reasoned arguments. For me, it came down to choosing to be honest. I had been terrified for years that if she discovered the porn she would reject me and want divorce. We have three children and I was terrified about what divorce would do to them. My fears were completely realized.

    However, I had been in therapy for several months at this point, working to address use of porn. As a Christian I felt intense shame and guilt. I badly wanted help. I had even begun to ask God to just let me get caught. I had begun as a young teen drawn to the stimulation of seeing the images, and in the absence of intimacy within the marriage, I foolishly turned to porn as a counterfeit. I had continued this on and off during dry intimacy periods throughout our 16 year marriage.

    Once I confessed it was over. There was no desire for reconciliation. She used the confession as her “out”. I asked for separation with the idea of reconciliation and she said no. She told me she had seen an attorney, so I saw one as well and was cautioned not to leave the house willingly, as a judge would consider it abdication of my rights as a father. Than the most terrifying thing I could have imagined happened. She began to claim correlation meant causation and began to claim I was dangerous for our oldest daughter. I found out when I was served the divorce papers that months of seeds had been planted and a CPS worker had interviewed my wife, children, and in-laws. I had never been approached. A bogus police investigation was launched and kept from me until court conciliation, and there at conciliation, I lost the right to be with my children. Lies about me were weaponized to support the effort to divorce me. More than a year later, and I’m still subject to supervision like a criminal. $8K in costs to different specialists, taking test after test with shrinks, all of them saying I’m no harm. The police investigation being closed because they found nothing, and I am still being treated as if I am a danger. This system gives the spouse who files far too much power.

    What does a man do there? I am a betrayer. I’ve also been betrayed. It’s all on me. I used porn, I hurt her, who cares how much I was hurt by the intensity of being rejected over and over again. No one. I’m tired of being the disease, the sin, the evil.

    I am by God’s grace intent on staying pure. I’m 18 months sober now, praise God. 12 steps, complete removal of any internet access, accountability, covenant eyes, prayer, and running to God’s Word when temptation comes, which it does in the loneliness of being cast out from my family.

    I’m tired folks, so tired. I hate what I did. I hate having ever turned to the counterfeit filth of porn, when I should have sought those things in my precious wife. I hate it all. I’m also very angry. She wanted the divorce, and she weaponized my confession not just to get the divorce but then to make claims that tore me from my children. Was that just? Is that a right consequence? Should men, who are flooded by this evil world with sexual imagery and who foolishly give into it, also lose their children? Should they be branded as predators, and forced out of their homes, cast out of their families?

    • Hello, I’m stunned after reading your post. Anything I might say will sound trite compared to the real pain and agony you’ve experienced. I’m so sorry. You asked a lot of questions at the end of your story. You’ve shared a lot of details, and I’m sure there are others, but the end result seems unfair. In spite of your circumstances, which are horrible, I’m hopeful for you because of the steps you’ve taken (in your second to last paragraph). I will pray for you after I post this. Maybe God’s grace cover you and may that grace give you strength to continue doing the right things.

      Chris

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