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3 thoughts on “Is Your Relationship Showing Signs of Intimacy Anorexia?

  1. Thanks for the great post! Are there certain qualities in a person that MUST be present in order for an individual to be called an intimacy anorexic? My husband never blames me for things and is fine being near me and hearing me talk. However, he is on his phone whenever he has a spare minute, he rarely shares himself on an emotional level, rarely compliments me, and when we have sex, it never feels truly intimate.

    • Hi Jo. “Intimacy anorexia” is not an official diagnosis, so no–there is not a specific set of criteria that must be met. “Intimacy anorexia” is simply a way of expressing that healthy intimacy is not happening. Men in our culture are socialized to avoid their feelings (big boys don’t cry) and to act out instead (boys will be boys). Many churches have further promoted this as “true biblical manhood” and “masculine christianity,” making it even harder for men to be okay with their feelings. As a result, many men do not know how to experience and process their own emotions, much less the emotions of their wives. I believe that this is the true underlying cause of the porn epidemic in the church today. It’s not about sex, really. It’s about an inability to deal with uncomfortable personal emotions; porn steps right in when a man is “bored”–which often means feeling emotionally uncomfortable–or sad or mad or scared, and makes him feel better for a minute. If your husband could learn to be present with himself, he could also learn to be present with you. Peace to you, Kay

  2. “Intimacy Anorexia” SHOULD be an official diagnosis, if only for assuring the suffering spouse that they are not “crazy”, “too demanding”, or “needy”. Only through an understanding of Douglas Weiss’ writings have my husband and I been able to start the process of unraveling his dysfunction, which led to his pornography addiction.

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