Is your husband addicted to porn? If you know—or suspect—he is watching porn, how can you tell if it’s an occasional past-time or a full-on addiction? It can be traumatizing to find out that your husband is entrenched in this habit—and deeply confusing as well. Someone addicted to porn may genuinely desire to quit but feel unable to break free. Here’s some information to help you better understand if your husband is addicted to porn.
So, Is My Husband Addicted to Porn?
Discovering that your husband watches porn can be very painful for wives. But understanding the situation can help you address it. Not everyone who watches porn is addicted to it. While men (and women too) may watch porn for many reasons, a few characteristics usually distinguish an addiction.
Early Childhood Exposure
When someone sees porn as a child—even unintentionally—it can leave a lasting neurological impression. Many people who struggle with pornography addiction as adults can trace it back to an early formative experience. For more, see The Common Reality of Early Porn Exposure.
Children who undergo trauma or abuse are especially vulnerable. Pornography often becomes a means of coping. An adult who struggles with addiction often acts out when experiencing stress, frustration, or other negative emotions.
Long-Term Habitual Use
The more often a person turns to porn, the more it trains their brain to respond to porn and crave it. See our article on Brain Chemicals and Porn: How Porn Affects Your Brain.
Urges or Out of Control Impulses
As someone’s brain is conditioned to turn to porn, they may experience powerful cravings. Many porn addicts describe their urges as something powerful beyond their control—like an itch that must be scratched.
An addict is still responsible for their actions, but they feel helpless to resist. This feeling of helplessness often brings a deep sense of shame and self-reproach. In some cases, a husband may be as upset with himself as his wife is, but he still feels unable to change.
Escalating Behaviors Related to Porn
As porn use changes from a habit to an addiction, it often escalates in extremity. Sometimes, this manifests in the type of porn being consumed. Addicts often seek out increasingly bizarre or deviant forms of pornography. At other times, the escalation occurs in the frequency and occasion of their binges—such as watching porn at work.
Signs Your Husband May Be Addicted to Porn
If he’s struggling with an addiction, it means recovery will be a journey—for both of you. Here are some key signs that your husband’s pornography use might be an addiction.
1. Your husband has lost interest in sex.
Many porn addicts want lots of sex (see #3), but as the addiction escalates, they often begin to lose interest in their partner. Porn addicts become desensitized to other forms of pleasure—even sexual intercourse—preferring the buzz they get from porn. Not only is their sexual energy tapped, but they begin to prefer the “safe” realm of fantasy over the “risky” real world of intimacy.
2. Your otherwise healthy husband is unable to maintain an erection during sex.
Porn addicts commonly experience porn-induced erectile dysfunction. While there are several medical reasons for ED, for the porn addict the problem is not in the organ, but in the brain. They have conditioned their mind to be turned on only by self-sex and porn images. It is common for addicts to blame their partners for their inability to perform.
In his book The Porn Circuit, Sam Black writes:
“When preparing for real sex, the pornified brain fails to get its dopamine surge and the signal to the penis is too weak to achieve erection. But turn on an Internet device with unlimited pages of novelty, and boom, the plumbing works.”
3. Your husband’s sexual tastes have changed.
On the other end of the spectrum, some men entrenched in porn want to act out their fantasies in the real world. Porn films often pair physical and verbal aggression with sex. This might mean that your husband makes surprising demands during sex—even getting frustrated when you don’t perform to his exact specifications. Some men show a sudden interest in “rough” sex or sexual activities you haven’t discussed and agreed to. Others will begin to show an interest in bondage, fetishes, sadomasochism, group sex, or activities that make you feel belittled and used. These are huge red flags and one of the clear signs of porn addiction.
4. Your husband spends an excessive amount of time online.
A porn user almost always has a dysfunctional relationship with technology—many hours spent online alone, often at odd hours or at times when they should be spending time with their families and friends. He may demand to be left alone with his computer or become irritable if he can’t get online.
5. Your devices’ internet histories are empty.
Check your husband’s web browsers on his phone, laptop, home computer, or tablet. If the internet histories are constantly empty, he may be clearing his history to cover his tracks. The late psychologist Al Cooper wrote that three factors often contribute to an internet porn addiction: affordability (most porn is cheap or free), accessibility (it can be accessed nearly anywhere), and anonymity (no one has to know what you’re doing). He called this the “Triple-A Engine.” The last factor, anonymity, is key. A man’s belief that no one knows where he is going online gives a false sense of security: “What I’m doing online is my own business, and it isn’t hurting anyone else.”
6. Your husband seems emotionally “distant” or withdrawn.
The more a man becomes entrenched in porn, the more he begins to lose interest in real-world relationships, especially with his wife and children. Many men describe it as feeling “numb.”
7. Your husband seems more antisocial.
Like any addict, a porn addict will begin to revolve his life around the next buzz. This means reordering his life so that he can spend time online and away from others. Other antisocial behaviors might include a lack of remorse for his actions, aggression, outbursts of anger, frequent lying, indifference to actions that harm others, or an easy use of flattery or charm to manipulate others.
8. Your husband’s financial patterns have changed.
Are there unexplained charges on your credit card statement or bank statement? Have you noticed new credit cards opened in your husband’s name? Since there is an abundance of free porn online, addicts can indulge without paying, but often, when the addiction escalates, they resort to paying for online material or even physical items (like DVDs). Charges to these accounts may not look obviously pornographic since these companies usually work hard to ensure the anonymity of their patrons. If your husband refuses to talk about unexplained charges, this is a sign he is hiding his behavior.
9. Your husband has become secretive, evasive, or defensive.
When you walk into the room where your husband sits at the computer, does he suddenly get nervous or make knee-jerk reactions? When you ask what he has been doing online, does he become defensive or easily irritated? When your presence suddenly threatens to invade an addict’s secret world, this can be very jarring for him, and often his nervousness will be obvious.
10. Your husband has become critical of your appearance.
Has your husband started to criticize your looks, your weight, your bust size, or your sexual performance? The more a man spends time with porn, the more his mind becomes conditioned to the novelty, variety, and convenience that porn provides. Many studies have shown that the more a man watches porn, the more he devalues the attractiveness of “average people.”
Next Steps to Take if Your Husband Is Addicted to Porn
Many wives are devastated when they discover their husbands are watching pornography. If you believe your husband has a porn addiction, what can you do? Here are some important next steps to take, for your own benefit as well as your husband’s.
1. Remember that his addiction is not about you.
When a husband is caught in pornography addiction, he will often lash out and blame his wife for his behavior. However, he is not addicted to porn because of something wrong with you. It is simply not true that if you looked different or acted differently during sex that he would not struggle with porn. A porn addiction means that he’s been conditioned to prefer that to real sex.
2. Get help and support for yourself.
Regardless of whether your husband is seeking help for his recovery, you need to make sure you seek help and support for yourself. Find other women who can come alongside you and provide encouragement and community.
3. Establish boundaries.
Boundaries don’t mean that you can control your husband’s behavior. As we say in our series for couples, Restored Vows, “A boundary defines what is your responsibility (your feelings, attitudes, choices, and behaviors) and what is your spouse’s responsibility.”
4. Learn more.
We have more free resources available, both for you and for your husband as starts the recovery journey.
I would agree that the world would be a better place without porn but God create good and evil and left us free will.
I have been married for over 20 years and have never met a married guy who doesn’t question his own decision to have gotten married because of the expectations and control put over them by there wives which causes them to doubt there relationship. If a man felt loved he wouldn’t dare look at porn because being loved is far more addictive than porn. People want houses, careers, vacations, fancy restaurants, and forget that they are putting their relationship at the middle or bottom of their priorities. Its both partners fault. Porn is a symptom of a failing relationship. Getting ride of the porn doesn’t fix a troubled marriage. Love and honor your spouse like the bible says or your marriage will end one way or another.
What you’re doing here is blaming wives for the husband’s behaviors. Blame is a defensive substitute for personal responsibility. When a man uses porn as a substitute for taking responsibility in his marriage, that is his choice. It is not his wife’s fault. She is responsible for herself and her choices, but she doesn’t force her husband to look at porn. That is his choice. He has the responsibility for his own behavior, and no one else. I find that people generally place blame when they are ashamed of their own behavior. The more blame, the more shame the blamer is feeling. The solution to this is not to continue to place blame on others, but rather to take responsibility for ourselves and our choices.
Thx,this helps.Just when you said”being loved is far more addictive then porn”. He knows I love him with all I am. My worries lie in ;if he’s looking at porn to learn how to touch me. Because the way he touches me is how I’ve seen in porn.And he’s NEVER touched me like this before. He has watched porn
I’ve caught him. It makes me feel less then what I know I am. It’s caused huge arguments. He’s not deprived in sexual intercourse or attention very far from it in fact. I think that if I don’t give it to him for just a little while that he will resort to porn. He even admitted to me without me catching him that he looked at porn to get me upset because I went out one night. He’s in shape now more than ever, but his job is concrete so that’s a given every season. I to have slimmed down and look healthy and feel beautiful for the most part unless he is being inconsiderate all of my thoughts and the issues going on in my life. I feel alone a lot of the time. He has gotten a very bad temper and has even put his hands on me in a bad way. He gets distant a week or two out of a month. Is that normal for a man? I do everything I can for him, I am NOT weak, I am a good woman, inside and out. The porn thing and looking at it for advice on how to touch me is bothering me. For example he look at lesbian porn I’m thinking to see what women like obviously a woman knows what a woman wants. It bothers me to the point of silence and distance. Which I’m afraid of because I don’t want to argue with him anymore. We will be married within a couple years. I am clueless as to what to do feel or think.
Hey there. So glad you wrote in. I want to encourage you to continue to think about your boundaries. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about boundaries. Here’s a free download, Hope After Porn, where several women tell their stories in recovery. That might help as you think through what to do, also.
One of the things that’s so common in porn is women just being used as sex objects–no voice, no value, just whatever the man wants. Unfortunately, that kind of thinking gets transferred over to the marriage relationship really easily.
I’m concerned to hear you say that he’s developed a really bad temper and has been physically abusive. All the more reason for you to consider your boundaries–not just for your sexual preferences (which do count! not just his!) but also for your physical safety.
If you feel that you are in danger at any time, please get to a safe place immediately. Call 911 if you need to.
The bottom line is this: if this is going to be a real marriage, BOTH of you matter. BOTH of you count. It’s not just about what he wants and needs sexually. Your sexual wants and needs matter too.
Make sure you’re getting support in this! Personal counseling can be helpful, as well as groups like Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, Pure Desire, or xxxChurch.
Whatever he decides to do, make sure that you are making healthy choices for you, and getting the support you need.
Blessings, Kay
I didn’t know my husband very well when I married him and probably wouldn’t have married him if I had known of his porn addiction. However, I was only married 3 months when I woke up in the middle of the night and discovered my husband was not there. I was looking for more sex and quickly ran downstairs to find him asleep at the computer. His face was literally on the keyboard, his jean zipper was undone, there were tissues all around his desk. I didn’t understand what I was seeing as porn addiction was never discussed or heard of in 1998. I moved the mouse or flicked the screen. Maybe the mouse hadn’t been invented yet and saw thousands of downloaded files. I woke him up, tears running down my face! Appalled! Scared!! Confused!! He was angry. He said if I was a better wife, he wouldn’t look at porn. I tried to kick him out of my condo but obviously felt stuck and thought we could talk it out. We never did and for years I tried to ignore it. I would quietly go down and bring him to bed. Frustrated sexually because we never had sex! Whenever anything was initiated at all I never said NO and I did my best to initiate but when my son was born- only because I paid for a cruise where it was too expensive for him to use the computer, did it become unbearable. In many ways he was a good man but I needed more sex and we were on different schedules. He was up from 10 pm to 3am looking at porn. He would be irritable and cranky when I would get him and the kids up in the morning. After dinner in the evening, he would fall asleep putting the kids to bed from 8 to 10 pm. I’d eventually have the dishes done, lunches made, floors cleaned- we lived in Bermuda so to avoid the bugs everything had to be cleaned a lot- go to bed. I tried to wake him and he’d yell that I was just jealous of him spending time with the kids so I tried not to disturb him. I would try to talk to him and eventually requested counselling but he told the counsellor that I was just imagining and he really didn’t spend that much time at the computer. Now he’s remarried and I have no idea if porn is a problem yet. Maybe he learned to put his real intimacy first.
I have been fighting this with my husband for 23 years. There has been no sex for eight years. All I can say is if you are married your husband’s penis will more than likely turn to a weenie. My husband has nine of the symptoms of porn addiction. He likes Asian women that look like they are 13-14 year olds and pee on him. I guess with the holagrams, he thinks that they are.
Hi Danielle, I’m sorry you’ve had such a long and painful struggle in your marriage. I hope you’re finding support for yourself in all this. Personal counseling is often helpful for spouses. Groups are great, too: Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, S Anon, xxxChurch–those are all places spouses can find support. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy, YOU can choose to work on healing and recovery from the pain. Blessings, Kay
Hmmm what if your not married you could say oh well then a failing relationship but just maybe he had this problem before it all began in the first place! A man wouldn’t watch porn if he felt loved you are so incorrect alot of these men have women who cater to they’re every need who are willing to fulfill his sexual needs when ever he wants it and who could be his freaky fantasy if he only wanted her in that way I agree your relationship is in trouble when your man would rather sit in front of a screen convincing him self in every way he can that she isn’t doing something right to continue the behavior he didn’t want to admitt he has a problem cause he doesn’t want to fix it so he claims bull crap like if she only acted this way or that cause it sure in the hell isn’t my fault I feel justified now off to get love from my hand
Hi Miranda. I agree with you that blame is never the answer. Men who choose to look at porn are choosing to look at porn. Blame is simply a way to shift responsibility to someone else. When we engage with trying to correct blame, usually we just create a bunch of drama that serves to distract from the truth: each person is responsible for their own choices and behavior.
The only way to combat blame is with healthy boundaries. We’ve written about that here and here.
Blessings, Kay
I’ve been married to my second husband a month. The thing is, I found out my first husband looked at porn in our first month of marriage. After that it became an addiction. He wasn’t interested in intimacy with me and when we did have sex there was nothing in it for me and it was over in about a min or two. It was very hard on me. My self esteem was ruined. The hardest was during my first two pregnancies and after. We eventually divorced after so much pain and heartache and so many other lies that contributed to the porn. Now, I’ve been married two weeks and my husband has slowly in the last few months been different. But that last two weeks have been the worst. We also have a baby that was born a few months ago. I’m 27. Every man in my life including my father whom I do not speak to anymore has turned out to be a pervert. It’s so sad really. I have never had a man in my life that didn’t do porn or cheat. So, back to my current situation. He started by keeping his phone with him all the time. Then it was his temper. And I cook dinner for this man every night, keep his house clean like he likes it, and watch all the kids including his 2 from his previous marriage. We used to have sex every other day and then suddenly it became maybe once a week and once again it’s whatever he wants. I am so frustrated because he makes me promises and says he is going to have sex with me tomorrow night or I’ll make it up to you (our 5 min session that was all about him) I’m going to go downtown on you tomorrow. I wait and wait and it never fails that he’s too tired or stalls or changes plans. He recently bought all kinds of toys. Spent hundreds of dollars. He keeps them locked in his safe because he says he doesn’t want me using them when he’s not here. But we only used one or two twice in the last 4 months. He is looking at other women all the time now and when I call him out he just gets angry and defensive. I went through that with my first husband. He tells me it was me in the first marriage bc he swears he’s not doing it and I’m accusing him. He always wants me to keep it shaved and and I do but then he doesn’t even touch me. Now he’s started telling me my boobs aren’t big enough. I had a reduction at 17 bc the were an E and I am 5 ft tall and 120 lbs. now they are a full c, I sometimes wear a D bc of the fullness. But I have some scars. And he’s telling me I have no butt. He also told me my girl area shouldn’t be tucked in. It’s not. I just don’t have any lose skin to hang out. He also told me he was infatuated with a girl at work bc she looked like me but her butt was bigger and that he watched her walk up and down the stairs. Then he started telling me later that she gets around at work and was transferred to his location bc she was such a whore. Now, he’s calling his ex wife at night when he is in the road and swears it’s over the kids. I called him out on it last night and it was just a 3 min conversation but he claims he didn’t talk to her at all. It’s on the bill. You see, everyday he checks my phone several times and also looks at the bill. He has also gotten this temper and hit me a few times. I tried to talk to him about that and he says if he really wanted to hurt me he would and I wouldn’t get back up. He doesn’t even look at me anymore. The thing is I’m so in love with this man. And I am devastated. I got a hold of his phone when he was asleep and found his hidden app with hidden movie. It was young girls like teenage.I’m very petite. People say I have a pretty face and that I look very young. I know I’m not ugly but I feel so ugly. He makes me feel like I’m not enough woman and tells me that if my job at home was a real job I’d be fired. We have 5 kids together. I had two and he had two and now we have one of our own. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so lost. He was in the phone with his mother last night when I texted him and told him the really bad stuff I saw on his phone. His mother texted me and asked me what the hell I was trying to accuse her son of. I texted back and said I wasn’t accusing just asking how it got there. After I talked to him on the phone and he clicked get in bc she was calling…. She proceeded to tell me I was a little bitch and she’d kick my ass. He never told her she was out of line that I heard. She texted me today and told me he was going through the same hell he went through with the first wife. Yet she talks to her like she’s her best friend. My moms all I’ve got bc he doesn’t even allow me to talk to anyone else bc he says they’d talk me into leaving. But he tells his mother everything and she tells ex wife everything and she’s always trying to get him alone. I’ve been through so much in my life from physical, emotional abuse and even men in my family being innppropriate bc of my big bust before. I hated me for such a long time. I remember one time I was about 13 and I was harassed constantly over my big boobs. I was in the mall with my friends and thus man holding his wife’s hand with kids was staring so hard that it made me feel so nasty. And I never showed any cleavage. This was just with a t shirt . Obviously I had gotten much much worse things said to me but this bothered me the most. It’s bothered me so bad. Even my dad started at them over the dinner table the whole time we were eating. My husband knows all of this but he had the nerve to tell me that they looked better back in the day. We dated in high school before my previous husband. I’m jut feeling so numb to the world. I’ve been through so much trauma in my life also as a child to now all the things I deal with on a daily basis. I feel like I’m on auto pilot now. I don’t know what to do. I feel as if I’m so hurt I’m going numb to everything. I have this baby and I wouldn’t ever want him left alone with any of his people and I know if we split I’d have to. I’ve been through that with my other two. I’m so lost and so hurt and fm have no one. The thing is I’ve lost all hope in men. All men bc of my experiences with any man that was supposed to mean something. I still love this man but it’s like he’s a stranger to me. And nothing I do makes him happy. But you see he is always asking me why I’m not happy and tells me I’ll never be happy. But obviously he’s the unhappy one. I’m the one trying to cope with the fact that I’m not what he wants anymore. Help?
I am so, so sorry for all the pain you’ve experienced in relationships.
It sounds to me like you’ve been treated as an object by so many men, when in fact you are the precious, beloved child of God, created in His image, and valuable beyond imagination.
The life you live needs to reflect the value of who you are. And the situation you’re in now, with verbal, emotional, and physical abuse does not match up at all with who you really are, and how God wants you to experience life.
I want you to find some people who will treat you with the care and respect God wants for you. Maybe a personal counselor. Maybe safe people in a group, like Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, or xxxChurch.
Get with some people who can help you experience love, who can help you process the emotions you’re experiencing, and who can help you think about healthy boundaries for yourself and your children.
You were not created to be abused. You were created for freedom and an abundant life.
Blessings, Kay
Porn addiction has nothing to do with love and everything to do with a sick twisted lustful addiction If they were not loved why would they marry in the first place
I’m sorry but that is bs. My husband is battling a porn addiction that he has been dealing with since we’ll before we met. My husband does love me. Very deeply. But the issue is chemical and we are overcoming it together. I do not out excess control over him, but I do have standards. It isn’t right or fair to place the blame on wives all the time. I keep fit, I’m “good in bed”, and he has been struggling with addiction regardless.
Hey Alexandra, you’re absolutely right. It isn’t right or fair or helpful to blame wives for the choices their husbands make. A man’s choice to look at porn has nothing to do with his wife’s appearance or sexual availability; it has to do with the choices he’s made. And, you’re also right to have standards and boundaries. You can’t have a healthy relationship without those. Keep up the good work in recovery! And thanks for speaking up. Kay
I have to completely disagree with you because I’ve been married 10yrs and have gave my husband all my love and attention and always no matter what it maybe think of what he’d think say or do pretty much walk on egg shells to make him happy and guess what he still looks at porn.. It’s an addiction and although the person may want to change its hard and may never but as a spouse of a porn addict it’s draining and can only take their actions and having to walk on egg shells for so long so it’s not just what goes on in marriages to cause people to view it…
Thanks for speaking up, Jasmine. The truth is, the person with the behavior is responsible for their own choices. When men blame women for their choices, they are often simply verbalizing the defense mechanisms they employ to rationalize their choices.
Our choices are our own. The only way forward is for each person in the relationship to decide what is healthy, and to make choices accordingly. For spouses of addicts, this usually involves getting a rigorous self-care regimen in place (perhaps personal counseling and/or group work like Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, or xxxChurch) and then deciding what kind of healthy boundaries need to be in place.
Blessings, Kay
It can be the woman’s fault!!!
If the wife has no sex drive and continues to turn the husband down when he wants to intimate then it is VERY easy to turn to porn for the relief a man needs.
Men are real easy!!
Eat, sleep, and SEX!!!
I agree that kids can take up time and energy, but they take up time and energy for a good dad as well. When the wife is a stay at home mom and the husband works all day to keep it that way then I see no reason why the wife needs to always turn a guy down
Thank you Tom for this facto truth, it hit close to home, and helped me take a closer look at my relationship now after my husband’s over 20 years of porn and phone sex. Thanks from the bottom of my heart, yours hit right where it should and light bulbs have went off.
I’m sorry but your opinion here is very narrow minded. I adored my husband when we got married & was eager to please. He also knew that porn was unacceptable if he was going to be in a relationship with me. Partly due to my naivety, mostly due to his great skill at manipulation, I fell for the lie that he chose me out of his love for me & God & that he was living in victory from his porn addiction. Upon getting married we included in our vows to be faithful to each other mentally, emotionally, & physically. I knew his temptations & thought that having a wife always sexually willing & available would help. I also knew that men could be sensitive to a refusal for sex so I determined to never refuse or seem uninterested. To my surprise, on our honeymoon I was refused for sex (I was not upset, just surprised because I thought that’s what he wanted), & later found out that my new husband had not made it through our honeymoon without viewing porn. So please, explain to me how my husband’s serious, life-disrupting addiction to pornography that started when he was a child & that has cost him 3 jobs in our 5yrs of marriage has been the result of our failed marriage.
I’m sure you mean well, but from the opinion you gave you sound as if you are either ignorant on this subject or are in denial. I would encourage further study either way.
I think your response is crazy. I have been dealing with this stuff for 35 years from both 1st and 2nd husbands. They both lost their erections. I was an excellent lover, wife, mother and person. The first one (an alpha male) decided that I wasn’t sexy enough even though I could wear anything out of Victoria’s Secret and a bikini to the pool. After we divorced, I had no trouble in dating men. They all called back. Sometimes, I had dates scheduled three nights per week six weeks out. The men came on to me everywhere. I treated my husband like a king until he decided that he didn’t want to be married anymore. Then 35 years later, he tells my 37 year old daughter that he made a big mistake in leaving her mother. The second husband is not attractive but I did try to love him. He was no good in bed but I made it work. He could not wait to get married and then I found out that I should have left him upon returning from the honeymoon. He was constantly looking for women everywhere all of the time. He was an omega male who complained all of the time over something. I must have been really down to have married him but he seemed so interested and acted like he loved me. This man is more heavily involved in porn than the first one was. We can’t even go to a restaurant on our anniversary without him almost having an orgasm in the elevator when a young Asian woman get in with her boyfriend. This was his signal for sex because that is what he likes. The porn destroyed two marriages and I can’t wait to get out of this marriage. No more needy men for me! I will just date them from now on — have sex and run.
When u first got married my husband was watching it and I felt very unloved. Now come to find out his daddy has a issue with porn he’s an addict. I’m afraid when I’m not home and at work my husband may be watching it. Secretly because I asked him did he have any problems he said no. I don’t even trust my own husband and I have lately been angry all the time what do I do?
Hi Crystal.
It sounds like it might be time for another conversation with your husband. I think you could take ownership of your own fears, and ask your husband to install accountability software on his devices, just for your peace of mind. If he really doesn’t have a porn problem, that should be a pretty easy way for you to feel safe. If it turns out that he does have a problem, he would do well to find a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) to help him through recovery.
I would also say that you need to process this anger somehow. Many times anger is a sign of fear or pain, but those emotions are vulnerable, so we put anger over them so we can feel strong and able to defend ourselves. You might want to journal on a regular basis to give yourself a chance to understand how you’re feeling and why. Here’s a 3-minute animation I did just recently that demonstrates a quick and easy way to journal through emotions.
You might want to look for support for yourself through a group like Celebrate Recovery. And there’s always counseling just for you, if you feel stuck and can’t process through things on your own. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy as you move forward.
Blessings, Kay
This is not true. I love my husband very much. 3 to 4 times a day we use to be intimate. And yes since having the 5 kids things have settled down to a once a day or once every other day… but it slowly went down nothing abruptly. And he knows when he “needs” me, I would never deny him. I’ve experimented with him even though just the thought of the act made me nasuaus… by our of love I would put my mind in a better place and do as he wished in fear of him going some place else for his desires. Today I can honestly say it’s gotten a lot worse. He hides things… very secretive… and I can’t live this way any longer. After all the talks, threats, compromises and sacrifices I have made he still does the same thing. It hurts. And there is nothing more I can do for him. Every part of our marriage has become tainted in some way or another by him and a woman can only take so much pain emotionally before they succumb to depression. And your choices are to stay and live unhappily and sick for the rest of your life or leave and feel hurt for maybe a few months. If rather live sad for a few months then feel bad everyday for the next 70 years.
Thanks, Dawn. I think you’ve expressed some very important realities here: when sex is all about one person, and when it’s not about real intimacy or enjoyment, when it’s just about “experimenting” to keep one of the partners happy, that’s sexual objectification, not a relationship. And in order to have a marriage that works, you need more than just sex. You need a real relationship. I hope that as you process what’s next, you’ll find support for yourself. Counseling can be a big help at times like these, and groups are often a great help as well. Blessings, Kay
What if the addiction was hidden before marriage? How do you handle that?
Hi Shelly. I think honesty in the here-and-now is critically important. If he hid it in the past, but it prepared to be honest today, okay. Taking responsibility for himself is a solid foundation you can build on. However, if he’s not able to be responsible for himself, if he’s not really able to tell the truth, if he’s not willing to make changes… well, that’s a problem. Here and here are a couple of articles on boundaries which might be helpful as you think things through. Blessings, Kay
I found a video that I believe in my heart that is my husband having group sex how do I find out I know all his tattoos how they alter the videos. What can I do to get the picture on the video more clear. Every time I try talking to him he gets very defensive & angry. I’m very tired of dealing with this situation please any body tell me. I’m a wife mother going through alot.
Hey there, Angelina.
I’m a counselor, not a tech person. So I can’t help you with your video-quality issue (I’d say Google it, that’s a great place to get tech help!) but I want to offer you this idea: you can only be responsible for you. If your husband wants to be faithful and work on the marriage, he can do that.
If he chooses not to do that, you can still make healthy choices for yourself.
Here and here are a couple of articles about boundaries. You might also like to read our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about the boundary choices they made. I would also suggest that you find a counselor in your area who can help you process your emotions and consider what it will look like for you to be healthy in the midst of this difficult situation.
Blessings, Kay
I’m so happy I left my porn-addicted husband 16 years ago! Yesterday I got an email from his most recent girlfriend, a woman who discovered his addiction after he stopped having sex with her. She broke up with him and is very hurt. She tracked me down and wanted to know whether I had the same experience. Yep, but apparently he’s worse now, and he absolutely refuses to discuss it. Remembering how awful I felt when I was married, knowing about my ex’s excessive porn use made me so grateful he and his porn are no long a part of my life!
Ladies: After you rid yourselves of your childish excuse for a man, you will feel much better about yourselves, about everything. You deserve better.
Hey Shiela. I’m so glad you were able to make those healthy choices for yourself. It’s sad to think that your ex has gone on to continue in relationship-destroying habits. It is so, so important for women to learn healthy boundaries, and to be supported to make those tough choices that lead to life. I think it’s really hard for women to realize that life can be whole again when they are in the midst of the terrible pain of relationship loss. Thanks for sharing your story of hope and freedom. Peace to you, Kay
More men should think this way.
Is there hope for the “pornified” brain in reversing the erectile dysfunction. My husband developed ED at age 52 and I just assumed it was b/c of his long history of high blood pressure and/or BP medications, but I didn’t know he was still addicted to his porn for over 25 years!!
Hi Lisa, to answer your question, “is there hope for the “pornified” brain in reversing erectile dysfunction”? The answer is “yes,” but it takes hard work to rewire a 25-year old addiction. Neurons that fire together, wire together, so if he’s serious about creating new habits and new patterns for his brain, then yes, he can recover. We explain the neurology behind porn addiction in our e-book, “The Porn Circuit,” which you can download and read here: https://www.covenanteyes.com/science-of-porn-addiction-ebook/ I hope this helps your understanding of the brain power behind his addiction.
-Peace, Chris
Covenant Eyes
I only look at porn as a release and only once a month or longer. I don’t look at deviate sex sites or physical abuse sex sites. Wow, could I be any more in denial thinking that this is some kind of justification. As a Christian I know in my heart that this is wrong and sinful. I have experienced the downfalls of looking at porn. I can pray and sing praise and ask God for deliverance, but find myself looking at porn once more. Ok, I can be out in public and not think twice about looking at another woman or even lusting after her. I can keep myself from looking at sexual explicit television. I can go months without looking at porn and then when I do afterwards I feel disgusted and ashamed knowing that I have violated Gods Holy temple as well as my relationship with my wife. It’s sad because when I have the urge to look I start praying and even during I can sense the Lord trying to draw me away but I continue. I find myself in a state of depression and a lack of interest in my wife when trying to be physical with her. I don’t want my heart to become hard to the point that I no longer feel the conviction that reveals Gods love. I don’t want this in my life.
Hey Steve. If you really want out, please find a counselor and a recovery group like Pure Desire. Telling the truth out loud to others is a great first step, and the best ongoing way to recovery. You also need to tell your wife the truth and get your devices into a place of solid accountability. Denial won’t help. Facing the truth, taking responsibility for yourself, and making real changes will. Recovery is absolutely possible! Peace to you, Kay
I think that is complete b/s. I have fourth stage breast cancer and yes I don’t a”look.ike the Barbie” he married. I take no responsibility for his addiction. It is a load of crap to tell women relationships lacking love create porn addiction. My husband has suffered with this issue from being raised in a household with a porn addicted father with easy access and the monster was created and just grew. I did my absolute best to,continue our romantic/sexual connection during 12+surgeries and chemo and radiation to remove my double d breasts. He admitted that his addiction began way before I came into his life. He used porn as a coping mechanism much like an alcoholic or drug addict. After discovering that during our 10 year relationship he still had not given up porn, despite my best efforts to keep things interesting and different in the relationship and showing extra affection I was NOT responsible for HIS addiction. I separated from him last June,once I discovered how deep this issue was impacting my self esteem, and health in general. I lived in a hotel for 2 months and bought my own condo and stressed that he must complete a 12 step program and enter counselling if we were going to remain a couple. Best thing I could have done. One year later, I have my husband back. Women, I can’t stress the importance of standing up and forcing your partner into help. He wanted it and said it was so awful hiding and feeling the guilt. Be strong and put your marriage back together. I knew if I left him the addiction wouldn’t go away. The next victim of porn addiction would be his next relationship. I love him dearly and wanted freedom for him for his peace and his own sanity. I thank God foremost, our marital counsellor, and my husband for loving himself and us enough to make changes to save our relationship. Final thought, best of luck to all families struggling with this outrageously addictive issue. Stay strong! Have a good network of people you trust and force him/ her to face this ugly reality. Best of luck to all dealing with this right now.
Sometimes it has to do with what we grow up around or who we grow up around but yes, ultimately it is our own choice I regret that I developed that habit I want to get help but I’m not sure where to turn I’ve been looking at this stuff since I was six and I ruined a beautiful relationship it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even value myself at all and I hate myself more and more each day please are there any recommendations to where I can get help
Hey Forrest. I am so, so sorry that you are experiencing so much pain and guilt. I’d suggest that you find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and decide on what walls of defense you will place around yourself, including software (Covenant Eyes), accountability, and Jesus. Not that you’re deciding to fight, it will fight you back. The most difficult days might still be ahead, but “if God is for you, who can be against you?” And I’m confident He is for you.
Peace,
Chris
That’s a load of bollocks. I loved my husband. Never refused sex and eagerly participated and initiated. I greeted him at the door with a smile. I made and served him his favorite meals regularly. I supported him 100% through a challenging career move. I nursed him without complaint through a long illness. I massaged his aching back regularly. I welcomed his friends, hobbies, and free time. I read books and articles on how to be a loving and respectful wife. I did my best not to complain. I lost all my baby weight and kept my figure.
And he still looked at porn, and refused me sex.
Absolutely rubbish” if he would feel loved”. I give all my life to him. I look after him I love him like nothing else exist on earth but I discovering him watching porno. Sex life, what ever he desire I’m with him. So don’t tell this bull s..t.
I have known for some time that my husband looked at porn. It has now got to the point that I believe he has a real addiction and maybe some other issues. Yesterday while at a doctors visit my husband went to the car and masturbated while looking at porn. I was lucky or unlucky that I saw him before my son did. At first he tried to deny what he was doing then he admitted it, but blamed it on me not feeling well. Finally he said he was sorry, and won’t do it again.
This behavior is scaring me I tried to talk to him about this and he gets angry and won’t listen.
I have been married for over 20 years and I don’t know if this is a new thing for him or something I finally caught onto. He never wants to have to be intimate with me, but is always online looking at porn.
I am embarrassed and not sure what to do. I try to keep myself looking nice , and always have a nice cooked dinner for him, but he doesn’t seem to be here, like he’s very distant. I think the addiction is destroying him.
I think you’re really wise to see the signs of what porn addiction is doing to your husband. As with any other addiction, you can’t control him or force him to change, but you can be responsible for your own emotional health and your own boundaries. I would encourage you to find a counselor who can help you process through all this; a support group could be a big help, too. And there’s an online community called Bloom that you might find helpful: groups, classes, support–lots of good stuff.
Here and here are a couple of articles on boundaries that I think are useful.
Trust yourself! You know what you are seeing, you know the damage he’s doing to himself and to the relationship. Think about what this means, even if it’s scary, and trust yourself with the healthy boundaries you’ll need, and get support! Peace to you, Kay
Not true..if someone has been addicted since a very young age to porn lying drugs..etc…there is definitely is a stronghold bondage between the person and these activities..My husabnd got off of drugs..but I am now finding that he has a porn addiction I think from what it appears
There is no God. Sorry to say, but its more complicated than just good and evil
Wow what planet do you reside on? I gave my husband all and then some and he still chooses to engage in behavior that is unacceptable in a monogamous relationship. All thanks to porn and sex addiction.
Hey there. Thanks for pushing back against the idea that women can control their husbands’ addiction with lots of sex. As you and every other wife of a sex addict knows, this is simply not true.
I think men who say things like this are doing one of two things. They are either engaged in gaslighting–telling a story that is completely untrue in order to confuse their victims; or two, giving voice to the rationalizations they use in their own heads that allow them to continue to violate their own values. Here’s a short animation on gaslighting, and here’s one on defense mechanisms. Understanding these dynamics keeps us from wasting our efforts on crazy-making discussions, when what we really need to do is build healthy boundaries.
Peace to you and keep living in the truth, Kay
Been married 23 years y father moved in with us now there six in the house my father lives in our basement were y husband would sleep until our daughter would leave our room my husband would sleep in the living room until he was able to come tobed someone gave him a taplap he asked some kids how do you go 9n porn webs because he said he was bored and it gave him the right to go on porn he’s 76 I’m 56 haven”t had sex in seven years because he says his medicines help help help
Hi Sue,
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing so much pain right now. I think the best thing would be for you to find help for YOU, so that you can process your pain and decide on healthy boundaries for yourself in this situation. Find a counselor just for you, find a support group, check out the online resource, Bloom. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace to you, Kay
Sorry, God did not create good and evil. Go to Genesis, chapters 1 and 2. Everything God created was good, very good. Adam and Eve disobeyed and sin was introduced into the world.
Oh I was once naive enough to believe this. I had put my husband above family, friends, and career. Picked up all his messes, apologized and took blame for all of HIS short-comings, and so on. Finding out he used porn destroyed me and our marriage, it wasn’t anything I did with regard to commitment or honor nor subservience. I was always faithful loving supportive loyal and dedicated with all attention on him. And kept up a pristine appearance. Cooked, cleaned, bought pleasant thoughtful gifts, made sure everything regarding the household was in line for his comfort, honored all his requests and commands even those which were blatantly selfish.
But you know what the men will say then?
“It’s you’re fault because you’re so good I feel I don’t deserve you.” “You’re too perfect” “You think you’re perfect” “You think you’re better than me” “Who you getting dolled up for, you must be cheating on me” ( Trying to look good for my own husband resulted in accusations of cheating, when I was only trying to be attractive to him – Meanwhile his “harmless” porn use had rendered his cock and balls useless while I was blaming myself for his lack of attraction since he denied using porn.)
It’s never men’s fault, is it?. This type of thinking you propose is that of a TODDLER.
Godly men don’t view porn, nor do husbands. Men who view porn are failing at both of these things, they are disingenuous charlatans. They are not husbands, and do not deserve wives. They can hardly be called men, while behaving so like an animal.
If the man is the head of household, it his his duty to guide his wife’s behavior with his own. Men who refuse to take part in this can not be the head of a family. You are fooling yourself, but you aren’t fooling me, nor the other women who see through this, and you should be ashamed of attempting to fool your wife into carrying the burden of YOUR failure.
totally disagree. I met my husband when he was already entrenched in porn. He was addicted when I got married, except I didn’t know till after a year of marriage when I cleaned his office out only to find YEARS of it.
Thanks for speaking up, Elizabeth!
This post is victim blaming and complete bull. Men who decide to view porn do so for their own selfish reasons, not because of any shortcomings in their wives’ behavior or appearance.
We had a wonderful loving giving reciprocation relationship. Until my husband found porn … I have been in my option an exception to the rule that you discribe, married for 32 years but thought we had a great Sex life, one I know has been satisfying for my husdand for sure… he’s rarely ever starts sex without oral sex for him and never for me as he thinks that is disgusting and nasty.. and defiantly never any foreplay for me, just me with him… he never lets me initiate that I want to have sex, he shuns me… brushes me off… there are time he calls me at work asking me if I can come home after he gets in from work at 4pm that he needs to F… me… then when I can’t he tells me that he jacks off to porn.. this hurts me to beyond measure… as I have a high sex drive and when I get home he’s ready to go to sleep at 7pm.. he knows I can’t even get close to hiim because. I cry myself to sleep feeling like he cheated betrayed me and then killed me with his confection he now has ET when we have sex and can’t have an orgasm and fakes it most of the time… he’s destroyed our marriage my heart is broke, I love him but this pain in my heart is unbearable..
I am so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. I wonder what your support system is like? Do you have a counselor, a group, or an online resource like Bloom to help you through? I think you really need help processing these painful emotions, and working on what healthy boundaries will look like for you in this situation. Your husband is making unhealthy choices, but you can be healthy, no matter what he chooses. I hope you’ll reach out for help today. Peace to you, Kay
Sorry I don’t agree men are selfish you can love them to death doesn’t matter they want to look they will
That may be true at some points, but when men take there family for granted they miss out in gods blessings, as in my case, I went un noticed in my marriage and now we are separated. And I caught him watching porn and enjoying himself and then I found sites in his phone, enough is enough, I’m very torn up over this, he’s a christian man and knows better. He just destroyed ant hope there was.
I caught him one time while doing infront of his computer three years ago. Today, i saw on his history full of site of porn and it was the last page that he we’re into. I tried to talked to him and he get pissed, he said why im loozing his personal things. I don’t really know if he gonna stop really because it was a long time I caught him. I must be the one have the right to make mad because what he was doing makes me uncomfortable. One time, he’s private part cannot be even get hard I was thinking the other day that somethings wrong with him. He even get mad when I’m talking while mking love he just want me to moan. I feel so bad, I don’t know what to do.
Hey Jenny.
I’m so sorry.
I think you’ve got to look hard at your boundaries. What is healthy for you in this relationship? Here and here are a couple of articles that might help you think that through.
UHHHHMMMNNN.. be careful in the way you judge you shall be judged.. My husband of 24 years has had a problem with porn,masturbation( although he likes to go to those seedy adult stores to do it) I found out he went into or paid to go into a gay bathhouse,and when confronted with hard evidence he finally came up with the lame lie of” I had a weak moment and thought I was going into a strip club” are you kidding me? yes he was , I literally wanted so bad to believe him that I thought as well as MYPASTOR THAT IT WAS PLAUSIBLE….UNTIL… We went camping 3 years later and I found yup you guessed it GAY PORN on his phone that somehow got saved in a file he downloaded… OH BUT WHEN I CONFRONTED HIM ABOUT IT hE SAID THE GUYS AT HIS WORK MUST HAVE SENT IT TO HIM AS A JOKE, to WHICH I REOKIED ‘that’s NOT FUNNY AND I WILL CALL THEM TOMORROW TO LET THEM KNOW” ..well needless to say he finally admitted to only looking for naked women on this site and somehow he pressed the wrong button and woops again! ..lol I have found out about numerous times that he brought home videos to watch, along with going to those seedy places. And I have really tried to be a forgiving wife and begged him to get help. But he has played me so many years ,and taken advantage OF MY GOOD WILL TOWARDS HIM. he ACTUALLY believes he would not ever do porn if we had sex more regularly..and then comes the reality that I have to remind him that while we were having sex regularly and quite satisfyingly I still was not enough for him. So the excuse he makes to throw me under the bus to cover his perverse escapades would almost be unforgivable…IF the good LORD had not shown me that as He had compassion on me a sinner ,I must do the same. So instead of being crazy mad about it anymore I just tell myself its not my problem, if he chooses to give himself over to the evil one he has free will but there is a price to pay. And unfortunately our whole family has had to pay for all his anger problems, and manipulative mind games ,as well as he causes so much discord in our home. He is critical and never does anything wrong. These are the facts am I angry no I can honestly say not anymore but I have to call a spade a spade. I actually fell quite sorry for him he must be very unhappy. On top of all this he claims he is a Christian, he even told me he wanted an annulment on our honeymoon and at least 200 times since then..not exaggerating he bullies me and our daughter if we don’t do what he wants. She is 18 now and cant wait to leave our broken home. There is soooo much more I cant even say
But PLEASE those of YOU who have not been the recipient of this kind of abusive, lying,perverse behavior PLEASE DONT tell us that we are the problem.
YOU MUST BE A NARCISSIST…
Can this lead to other kind of sexual addictions my son stays with my.mom sometimes and I’m worried about my stepdad
If you are concerned for your child’s safety in the home of another person, do not allow your child to stay there. Make sure your child understands personal safety standards such as “bathing suit” rules for younger kids (people aren’t allowed to touch you inside your bathing suit area). If your intuition tells you that someone is unsafe, LISTEN.
If you love and honour ur husband as you have said but he still watch porn every night. What should the wife do?
It’s time to think about healthy boundaries for yourself. Here and here are a couple of articles to help you get started. You might also want to find a counselor who can help you process emotions and build healthy boundaries. You might also appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women. Peace to you, Kay
Although I agree with your last statement that Porn is a symptom of a failing relationship and getting ride of the porn doesn’t fix a troubled marriage”, I do not agree that love is necessarily the answer. Love can conquer the world but true love is unconditionally and only a mother can love unconditionally.
There are several habits on a person’s character that can hit the sexual arousement in women making it harder to focus on trying to “love” him. When the sexual life declines eventually, and he turns to porn, only a couple with a high level of maturity and understanding of God’s work through the Holly Spirit can survive a divorce and a husband who watches porn displays a low level of maturity in my opinion. So my accentuation goes to understanding that many times (with a few real exceptions), there is something not sex related going on between couples that eventually will affect sex life and will lead to porn.
It is very sad, If I would have the power to change something in this world, I would put in jail those promoting pornography because it truly is a criminal offenset to promote whats proven to be a family and marriage destruction tool. I only hope God can save my marriage because only he could make that miracle happens.
Some men just have a addiction to porn no matter how much the wife is doing,so if the husband is addicted to alcohol I suppose that is the wife’s fault as well..get over yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How do I begin the conversation?
Hmmm. I’m sorry to to disagree, been married 30yrs, work raised 2 boys, he works away frequently. I’ve gone through this 3times now that I’ve found out that he’s looking at porn, each time forgiven and been quite liberal in bedroom as far as God permits.,now ridiculing me to friends that I’ ” look pretty good ” after a few beers. Tell me , what else can I do ,. Just accept it. I think not! I’m going stir crazy right now, I know its the last days, but, I need strengthen right now. I think I have loved and honoured my husband as the Bible teaches, the audacity you have to say for women to this is beyond belief, we know men are wired differently, but it also says in the Bible to have control over your life.
My husband felt loved. I had no idea about his porn use until our second year of marriage during my second pregnancy (at his insistence) when he brought home porn videos on group anal sex and wanted me to try it. I was a virgin when we met and that was very important to him. I had no sexual experience and I had high morals. He led me and my family to believe he was also. He wanted to get married within a few months and I only found out who he truly was years into our marriage. He was a sex addict, a compulsive liar, still having sex with his ex who was married to his good friend while he was dating me and after we got married, he has slept with most of his friends’ wives, and he was into anal sex, cyber sex and hookers. He took out credit cards and maxed them out without my knowledge throughout our marriage, abondoned me and the kids for months and years at a time, left me to die when I had a medical emergency and he refused to call 911 or take me to the er, and when I survived and in the hospital, fighting for my life as a young mother of two, he was having online affairs at home with these paid women, I found their naked pictures later. My kids would always find his porn, sometimes gay porn, with men with extremely huge p… in their mouths etc. so so distrusting and scarring videos would pop up as the kids sat on the family computer. Then he would beat them up to stop them from telling me. Also, everyone in my hometown and his said I was way too pretty for him and even today, people think I am his daughter, no one can believe us to be a couple because I was a beautiful girl then and I am still a very pretty woman and he is very obese and a physically ugly man. I fell in love with him for who I thought he was cause he fooled me as I was young and had no experience with man. I was head over heals in love and people who knew him told me I was too good for him looks wise and he was older so I found that attractive too. but
I would not listen to anyone who called him ugly or not good enough. And for years I kept making excuses for him, thinking maybe I wasn’t slutty enough, maybe I should open up my mind and have theeesomes and anal sex like he says, because he told me having sex with me otherwise is not fun, cause he wants orgies and threesomes and anal and he wants me to perform. I got huge breast implants. I am already a beautiful blond, so I looked like a porn star, but he still refused to touch me or my breasts. He could not get an erection and no matter what, after he got it, he couldn’t get off, he couldn’t have sec with a live woman, he had to do it on screen. He went from porn to paid memberships with paid hookups and he would have cybersexwith random women. He would sometimes shave himself completely and prepare for his partner. I was paying for his monthly memberships without my knowledge. I would always catch him though. Now tell me what I did wrong, if I did not love him enough, or if I wasn’t pretty enough, if I didn’t look like the images on the screen? I did all of those. Men hit on me anytime we went out together cause they would think I was his daughter and not take him seriously as my husband. It was so sad for all these men staring at me but my own husband wouldn’t even touch me for years. I had my breast implants taken out cause I didn’t want them anymore, since I had them put in for him and he never even cared, all he wanted was women on the screen. This man abondened our child when he almost lost his life, and he miraculously survived, he took off on his own child at this time for months and never called,never texted, never came home. Sometimes sociopaths pick really sweet good people. They pick undamaged, innocent people. That is why he picked me. That is why I ended up with him. Not because I didn’t love him enough. By the way, I skipped the parts where he slept with actual women when I was home with our babies wondering where he was over the whole weekend, he would be in bed with a woman he worked with all weekend, one of the many affairs he has had, but those were when he was younger, as the porn use got heavier, he couldn’t get off with actual women anymore, it would have to be group sex, perverted stuff and on screen porn stars and hookers. So tell me how would you have prevented this if you were me?
Hi Janet,
Thank you for speaking up. None of us are ever, ever responsible for the behaviors of another person. EVER. The person who makes those choices is responsible.
I am sorry for the terrible sexual and emotional abuse you have suffered in this relationship. It sounds like your children have suffered physical and emotional abuse in this situation as well. I hope you know that at Covenant Eyes, we respect you as a precious, valuable, autonomous human being with the right and responsibility to make healthy choices for yourself and your children.
We do not condone abuse in any form, nor do we believe that women are required to stay in abusive relationships.
You are not required to stay with an abusive person. Here, here, and here are some articles on healthy boundaries.
Whatever your husband chooses, you can make healthy choices for yourself and your children. You can’t prevent or control his behavior. You can only make healthy choices for yourself.
Peace to you,
Kay
So wrong. I have always in our 19 years married been the one with a high sex drive. Every marriage has ups and downs but porn is even in Christian marriages. pastors suffer from porn addiction. Many women have blinded themselves to what their husbands do in private. I didn’t have a troubled marriage, we love one another deeply and more each day we are blessed to have. Yet my husband has a porn aSabddiction and we are working through it. All fall but we can be there to help them back up. Blinding oneself doesn’t better a marriage. Facing truth helps couples grow.
Tom you really do not know what your talking about and your answer is bullshit. I loved my husband i worshiped the ground he walked on he went to prison not only once but twice i stuck by him worked 2 jobs payong the bills raising the kids all on my own and it was never enough for him . He always put his daddy above us well he put his whole family above his wife and children. I know now it was my fault that it continued to be that way. nor was his father ever happy i have been through hell with this man you have no clue i been walked on and shit on his daddy and the local sheriff we in on a plan to send me to jail possibly prison. The save wqas by a phone call made by my husband that had butt dialed me and the whole converstaion was ion that voicemail. so no you can love a sorry ass maqn all you wont there are some that are not meant and dop not deserve to be loved. But here i am still trying to love that bastard and nothing has changed. Only difference is now he wants to talk to other women and im supposed to be ok with it.
Hi Tom.
Saying that porn is a sign of a troubled relationship is misguided. It’s like saying that alcoholics drink because there aren’t enough tasty soft drinks in the fridge at home. About 90% of married men use porn to get off on a regular basis. Do all of these men have bad wives?
Men need to take responsibility for their own habits and not compound the problem by manipulating their wives into making them feel responsible. If you can’t control yourself, own it. Be honest with yourself and her, instead of messing with her head through gaslighting. Be a real man
Thanks, Maggie.
Porn is a sign of a man making choices to view porn. That’s it.
Thanks for seeing the gaslighting and calling it out.
No your wrong. I did nothing to cause my husband to sin. I do not expect or even want any of the things you describe, in fact my husband is the one with the desire for “things”.
Pornography is often lied about prior to marriage, made light of, or completely ignored. My husband lied to me about his “love affair” with porn. He used it compulsively before marriage and despite having a young wife who wanted only him he continued to use it after to this day. He hides it, lies about it, refusing to admit it, and refuses to get help. Instead he has come up with the idea that I should allow him to make porn or myself so that he can use porn and not be cheating. I am so tired of all the lies and nonsense, which is what this all is. I have tried to be understanding, tried to support him, he just doesn’t want a healthy marriage relationship. That is his choice.
Sarah, I am so glad you are able to see the truth of what’s going on here. Those who violate their own personal values with porn use will often use gaslighting as a method of self-defense: they twist reality in order to blame their spouse, rather than taking responsibility for themselves. I’m glad you can see the truth. Thanks for telling the truth here! Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose a healthy and whole life. I’m so glad you know that! Kay
Really!! You’re blaming the wives? Wow.
Married my friend of 32 yrs and its been 9yrs as a couple. Even tho my husband is loved, desired sexually EVERY day,.and honestly spoiled more than any man or person I know. I put him number one priorty and treated like a king. I am loyal, honest, over board on showering him with love and affection, and gets anything he wants in bed except a threesome(I dont share). For the past 3 yrs (that I am sure of) he is cheating on me with porn EVERYDAY and lies to hide it from me(like I am stupid and will believe him). In fact, he matches all 10 signs stated above. ED has been an issue now for 3 yrs (but has no problem with that when he’s alone with his phone). He has denied any issues and gets very angry when I even mention it. He has now chosen porn over his wife and told me he doesnt love me anymore. I had to leave him for the first time ever. His addiction. was NOT a result of no love at home, so try again buddy.
Thanks Kolleen. I’m so sorry for your pain, and your experience reflects the experience of so many women: regardless of what you do, your husband will make his own choices. This is the reality: we are each responsible for ourselves. We can’t control others. We can only take responsibility for ourselves. I’m glad that you were able to set healthy boundaries for yourself. Here, here, and here are some good articles on boundaries as you continue to take responsibility for yourself.
Peace,
Kay
so what do you do stay or leave !
Tom, a lot of men have something known as porn addiction or are hypersexual. The difference between an “average” man and a porn addict/hypersexual, is that the men in the latter category have issues in which porn and sexual fantasies are interfering with their lives in a negative way; they’re out of control with their actions and behaviors regarding porn and sex. These men start out with vanilla porn, then harder stuff and soon spiral out of control. Before they know it, they find themselves voluntarily viewing violent porn, child porn, porn that they are not naturally attracted to but watch anyway just to get the next high and feel horrible after viewing it… etc. As you can imagine, this wreaks havoc on the human psyche, for the man, but especially for his wife when she finds out about how deep that rabit hole goes and succums to Betrayal Trauma Related PTSD as a result of her husband’s addiction. Also. The average man, who thinks he’s “normal” by looking at porn, is sadly mistaken. It doesn’t take much for a man to actually have chemical changes and patterns in their brains due to use of pornography. These men need help and need support.. they don’t need to be excused by someone who is either in denial of his own behaviors, or who is completely in the dark about the realities of porn addiction and the concequeces of the mental health issues that surround it.
Thank you for speaking up. There are so many ways that defense mechanisms like denial come into play when someone violates their own values during porn use.
Pornography addiction is NEVER the fault of the offended spouse. I have counseled women and heard many horror stories of depths that pornography addiction can take a man or woman. We sin because of the fallen nature in each one of us, so the love and honor from won’t “fix” a mans addiction. Only the love of Christ and man’s complete abandonment to his sin will fix it. Please do not further abuse women with your careless words.
This is not a correct mindset to have as it relates to a man choosing to engage in sexual perversion by way of porn…your comments blame the wife for a man’s choice to sin.
James 1:14 tells us that each person is tempted by sin because of their OWN evil desires and lusts NOT because of their wife or failed relationship.
A man who does porn, does not feel convicted by the Holy Spirit and then justifies his porn use or blames his wife for his choice to engage in sexual perversion is deceived by the enemy and has a moral defect that he needs to go to God to help him…Only God can help a porn addict and nobody else….now people ( including wife) can PRAY for him and ENCOURAGE him but she cannot help him in his choice to sin. The man bears full responsibility as to his sinful choices.
If a wife bears some of the responsibility for a husband’s choice to engage in porn then who bears responsibly for a SINGLE man engaging in porn? Is it because of his failed relationships of those he dates? Is it because a single doesn’t ” feel love” by his girlfriend? How does a Christian single man stay sexually pure ? What is His Excuse if he does choose to engage in porn? Who fault it it then? What are his options in who to blame? Your not going to be able to answer this because the answer is the fault is his own…
Regarding porn in marriage, Christian wives have been lied to and deceived by the enemy into thinking that their husband chooses porn because she is not “taking care of her husband sexually ” this is wrong teaching and is emotionally abusive to even say to a wife…she is already devastated that her husband is engaging in perverted sexual activity and then the weight of being told its somehow their fault is wrong and not biblical….a man chooses porn because of Sin and not because he doesn’t “feel loved” by his wife. Sometimes in marriage you won’t ” feel loved” but that is not a license to destroy your marriage and engage in porn. If that’s the case, a wife is never safe in her marriage because if you have a rough patch in your marriage and a husband doesn’t “feel love” and there are relationship issues, the wife is at risk for her husband to engage in perverted sexual
activity and do porn…
Porn is Demonic, Perverted and a serious SIN issue (and adultery if married
and fornication if single) and men need to stop blaming others by taking responsibility for their free will and choice to sin and ask God to forgive them, fall in love with JESUS and let Jesus be your first love so God can heal, forgive and cleanse.
The answer to overcoming your Porn addiction is JESUS and a failed relationship or “not feeling love” has Zero to do with a man’s choice to commit adultery by engaging in sexual perversion called porn.
Um, no….a man who is deeply entrenched in porn use is an addict..the dopamine high controls his behaviour. I have been the most loyal and loving, caring spouse…i cannot change my husband’s heart or affinity for other women. Only God can change the heart and He did not create evil. Porn is evil and it is Satanic and only the Spirit and hard work can bring the joy and love a marriage needs to survive this tragedy. I pray and will always love my husband, but this addiction is not my fault.
I haven’t met a woman who doesn’t question her own decision to have gotten married because of the unrealistic expectations and control put over them by their husbands, and the emotional neglect, meanness, lusting after other women.
Porn is a symptom of an addict who won’t take responsibility for his own choices, has never grown up, and continues to blame other people for his decisions. I know several women who married men who lied to them about porn addictions they had had for years—years before they ever met those wives they lied to. How can it be their wives and failing relationship’s fault when the men were addicted before they even met their wives? I’m not saying their wives are perfect, but an addiction is never the fault of another person.
Interesting, that contrary to your sophomoric analysis (and even more sophomoric spelling and grammar) men who are loved DO “dare” to look at porn. It is a destructive and wife deprecating practice that erodes a husband’s attraction to, sensitivity to and for his wife. Yours is a pretty typical justification for married men’s use of porn.
See that’s where you are wrong… My husband was a porn addict before I even met him. I thought the same then at the beginning if I was the perfect wife according to the Bible showed him all the love he desired he wouldn’t have that problem. And I did, I did everything. I submitted myself to him in everything, I tried to please him in every aspect of our marriage and I never refused or rejected him sex. I even tried fulfill his every fantasy. But to no avail his addiction continued and I was left feeling inadequate, degraded and with no self esteem. Mind you he was happy with our marriage and said he loved me but I became miserable and asked God to end my life.
I’m so, so sorry for the harm you’ve suffered. I wonder if you’ve found the online resources at Bloom for Women? They are trauma-informed and so many women find them extremely helpful.
The husband is 100% responsible for his choices. Don’t you DARE blame his wife.
In my case it is 100% my husbands fault he uses porn. I give him EVERY bit if love & attention a woman can give. He always comes first. If I make 1 single mistake I get “punished.” Punishment is either locking up in the bathroom with his phone & lotion(then denying it) &/or silent treatment with zero explination. He decides when we have sex not me. Never me. I try to initiate & every single time im shut down unless he gets only what he wants,no reciprocation. Then he will refuse to ever be truthful about it.the problem with porn use, is that men refuse to admit they hurt their wives by intentionally making the conscious decision to remove their perfectly already hot wife, & replace her with porn. That is not acceptable. For men or women to deliberately block out your spouse so you can virtually cheat without a conscience is despicable & distasteful. Don’t commit to marriage if u know u can’t stop idealizing women through porn or other manners. Women are not born to be sex slaves & we have emotions & feelings & sexual needs/desires too that should be equally recognized by men. If u want your wife to look like a porn star when y’all get jiggy with it, talk to her, maybe shes into kinky stuff, but you’ll never know if you keep shutting her out in order to look at women you don’t have. Every time she gets shut out, u pick out a piece of her heart that she entrusted u with. If porn was taken from existence, ppl would have no choice but to explore their spouses in ways porn doesn’t do because its not reality. The reality now is, married couples using porn, eventually start comparing their spouses to what they watch, & it hurts both people in the end because the spouse is not a porn star like u wish, & she feels like shit since she can never meet those standards. How many men enjoy sex, when they know their wives are day dreaming of the man they were watching yesterday with an 8in dick & ripped muscles? Thats how wives feel when they know their husband was tugging it to some DD’s (the only thing I differ from with a porn stars body). They lie about it b/c they know its hurtful, but they would rather lie to spare themselves the explination, not b/c they give a shit about what they’ve done to hurt another person intentionally & deliberately. Get real, men use porn b/c their insecure. Point blank period. Insecurities come in many forms, but its not cool to reject your wife,yet use porn. Maybe if people would really actively try to put themselves in their partners shoes (like legit try to feel what they feel) they would realize the damage they cause & set their precious pride aside & make things right. Crawl out of your own butt & realize it takes 2 for a marriage & if u only want yourself & your hand & women u will never touch, stay away from marriage. Because marriage has a vow of sexual exclusivity & if one can’t handle that 1 sexual partner to look at & explore, than marriage isn’t for u. Not all women were created naturally growing up to look like porn stars. Men come in different shapes & sizes too & if you & your spouse accepted eachothers minds & bodies & decided on marriage, don’t betray your partner by not accepting those parts just b/c your insecure. Talk to your spouse about your desires& kinky shit u want. You’d be surprised to know that women WANT their men to say & do (with them) the things they want. Sex is better when u stop comparing & being insecure & selfish.Maybe trust that your spouse wants hot sex too. Or maybe your spouse wants to be what I look at when I spank it. Maybe she likes to watch. Selfishness & insecurities damage relationships when u project that shit on your spouse. So no. Its not ALWAYS both partners faults. 99% of the time, its just ONE person making the conscious decision to leave their spouse out only to replace them with….NOT THEM. Don’t blame others for your own lacknof self discipline & self control. Sex is better when ppm are HONEST with EACHOTHER.
It is always, always the responsibility of the person who makes the choice. The inability to take responsibility for our own choices is one of the baseline behaviors of emotionally immature and abusive people. Thanks for speaking up and pointing this out.
I would say that the situation you describe in your marriage is emotional and sexual abuse. I hope you’ll set the boundaries that you need in order to be safe from this kind of abuse. Here, here and here are some articles that might help. I think that the ongoing cycle of abuse through pornography will only end when as individual women, we set boundaries and are willing to leave relationships that abuse us in this way. Not only do we set ourselves free when we do this, but we empower those around us to be strong in their boundaries and we demonstrate to the next generation that this kind of abuse is unacceptable.
I think you would appreciate the support you’ll find at Bloom for Women as well.
Peace to you,
Kay
He had a problem BEFORE we got married… my trying to show him love without reciprocity on his part, and my trying to “help” where my hands don’t belong is what has me falling apart at the seams..
The best thing I can do is cling to God, and let GOD deal with him.
It’s between him and God ONLY and has absolutely NOTHING TO DO with my as a wife, or any of these men’s wives.
Keep your heads up ladies and don’t quit praying or cleaving to GOD.
Cleve to GOD more than you do your husband and you will remain strong and at peace in your minds.
With that; the more you will understand it has nothing to do with you, the more you’ll hold onto your self esteem etc.
You are confused. Porn addiction is like any other addiction. The brain gets flooded with dopamine. Then the real world is not stimulating enough. So they go back for more and more, and eventually it rules their life. They are always seeking their next high.Then they become so disconnected that they neglect their partner, and eventually cannot function in the real world. Ironically, the world that they’re trying to escape does go away when they lose their wife, their job, their self-esteem.
“Not feel loved”
Are you a sex/porn addict or the betrayed wife?
I’d guess the first, your reply is cold hearted and mean and tears at the very core of a woman traumatized by her husband’s sexual addictions.
Thank you Kay.
You’re welcome :)
My husband is addicted to porn he’s becoming really aggressive and angry lying all the time doesn’t know fact from fiction anymore blaming me
I’m so sorry, Michee. That is a pretty normal thing that happens, unfortunately. I think when a man is doing things that violate his own values, he feels a great deal of shame toward himself. It’s too painful for him to face that shame. He denies the reality of it. He tells himself lies. He projects all of that outward at the one person who knows the truth: you.
I think you’ve really got to consider your own personal boundaries in this. What is healthy for you? What is right for you? And then, painful as it may be, take the steps you need to take toward what is right and healthy.
If he’s aggressive, if he’s taking his anger out on you, then the most important thing in my mind is YOUR SAFETY. You may need to remove yourself physically from the situation until he figures out how to take responsibility for himself.
Have you read anything on boundaries? I wrote a short article about it a while back, which is here. And I think the stories in Hope After Porn are a good demonstration of what boundaries look like in these situations.
Stay safe! Prayers for you today! Kay
My boyfriend of 17 years had a sudden change in his appearance and social behavior. We have not had sex in ten years. I found out he was addicted to porn and meth. After serving him with a restraining order and dragging him out like luggage I thought I would be at rest finally. I was doing yard work and I found wires connected to my electrical meter, which ran all the way to the electrical pole and into our basement. My electric bill is three thousand dollars. I never paid the bills so I just found out this mess. I am trying to pay it down, but with the discovery of all these wires and phone jacks I don’t know what to do. I believe he ran my mother’s cable up to the tune of two thousand dollars with porn. Should I call the electric company and have all the wires removed like I did him. I am afraid that they will shut my electric off. Off course that is the only bill in my name. I did not realize the deep shit I was in until I had him removed and served with a restraining order. he was arrested for having stolen motorcycles on our property and the police and I know that he is making meth somewhere. I am soooo afraid of this man, but now I have to worry that he is watching me through our electric smart meter. I cannot believe I did not notice the wiring system he had on top of the house and around the house, in the basement, just about everywhere, but he hid it well. His meth addiction and porn addiction are equally scary. We go to court for a final retraining order soon. My lawyer wants to know what part of my life is in danger from the manipulation, the lies, the installing of booby traps and the tapping into our electric to watch porn. This man is soooo scary that I may just move. He went as far as to put a eye in my phone behind an icon. How do I get this nightmare out of my life. We are not married, but he is on the deed and we have a 14 year old daughter in common. On my birthday he was looking up ways to kill someone with common house hold items. He tried to get me fired by hacking into the firewall of my company and sending nasty grams. I told the police all of this and they said it is on the internet and anyone can access it so it is not a crime. I guess finding my body would be the crime. His addiction goes beyond porn, he is addicted to leaning how to make bombs and hacking is his biggest problem. Even though he is gone I feel like he is still watching me. I tried to tell his mother that her son needed mental help and she got mad at me and is in denial. The police arrested him but he was out in one day. My lawyer said it is hard to get a life restraining order. Really that won’t work because I can hold it up as he shoots through the paper. I really cannot believe all that I went through and all that I submitted, they tell me that it open access public knowledge. Little do they know he is a time bomb waiting to go off and I told them that. Someone needs to listen to me before my body is found floating in the river. I have a temporary restraining order and go for a final on the 13th. help help help
Hello, Jacque – is your life seriously in danger? We have to take all comments like this very seriously. Please let me know.
Chris (Covenant Eyes).
kay in response to Jens situation and many others it seams like you really have nothing to say besides telling a lot of this women who are very well kept together (those who have their heads on straight), that u advise that THEY get counseling, as if these poor victims who aren’t part of the issue to seek out mental help. Why comment at all if you aren’t really advising anyone or offering up some great solution, all you do is promote these links to counseling as an advertiser for this and these book you’re promoting you might as well ad a advertisement strip every so many columns and leave it at that. and to those coming onto this webpage knowing it’s a Christian site plastering that God isn’t real , Just exit the site I’m so sick of atheist always trying to impose their beliefs on the Christians. true Christian to harass others beliefs yet they force their theories into all our schools as if it is a scientific fact. men who have this issue need real help and no real help is being offered here. and the church should not try n seek a profit to help their flock, God have mercy.
Unfortunately, the only person we can be responsible for is ourselves. There is no way to change the behavior of a porn-addicted spouse. Men who want to change their behaviors can find plenty of advice on this site, but for spouses, their only real choice is to take responsibility for processing their own pain and choosing healthy boundaries for themselves.
This is a difficult reality, but it is reality: there is no quick fix for wives in these relationships, only a commitment to personal health and wholeness, no matter what the addicted spouse chooses.
All too often, wives are neglected in the recovery process. All the emphasis is put on men fixing their issues. I very often see women who, years later, still suffer from PTSD symptoms because they’ve never had therapy for themselves.
Advising wives to find help for themselves is not about blaming them for the problem in ANY way; it is about making sure that they get help to address the very real impact porn has on their lives.
Hope that helps,
Kay
Amen Kay and thank you for your clear insight and truth of the matter. Porn is not a sign of a failing marriage. It is the CAUSE of many failed marriages. It is a habit that has usually been honed for years, long before the innocent wife enters the marriage covenant. At its root is pain medicated by selfish desires. Tom speaks as if men can’t help themselves and if they aren’t getting the “love” they need, it’s not their fault if they are driven to consume porn. Sin! Just plain selfishness at someone else’s expense. Thank you for challenging his defensive stance here which is merely denial. With this attitude a man like this will never find true “love”. Selfless and sacrificial. Getting rid of the porn is a GREAT first step to gaining your wife’s loyalty, respect, trust, and yes, LOVE!
My husband has been addicted to gay porn for 17 years, he finally has come out of the closet, if your husband truly loves you, you should be enough, but if you husband is watching gay porn, you have other problems, I asked for a divorce, I dont want to continue to be married to a gay man.
I’m so sorry, Sharon. How painful for you and for your husband. Blessings as you heal and walk in freedom. Kay
I agree completly. Just remember this was most likely a part of his life before you entered it. If you feel like something is not right go with your gut. After going to sex addicts anonymous meetings he realized how deep seeded and how much pain he was causing me and how miserable porn was making him. Be firm and get him/ her help. By attending 12 steprogram ( 2 different ones each week. This was a real eye opener as to the path he was headed down if he didn’t make drastic changes.
Nice Article
My husband has admitted to watching gay porn. We are in the recovery phase. But the statement above concerned me. My husband is working on almost a year free and clear of porn. If a man watches gay porn, does that mean they are gay? Seemed to me that his tastes escalated from being addicted to porn for so long. Would love insight on this issue.
Hi Emma, unfortunately, 12 step programs have been proven to be ineffective in treating sex addiction, as they have NO BASIS in scientific fact or research. Many such programs, particularly those created by Patrick Carnes (himself a sex addict) are thinly-disguised attempts at blaming the victim, i.e. the wife, for the addiction. Dr. Omar Minwalla has performed extensive research on sex addiction, as has Diane Strickland. Their findings? Basically ALL sex addicts are also suffering from narcissistic personality disorder and/or sociopathic personality disorder. These disorders cannot be cured or treated. Unfortunately, neither can a so-called sex addiction. Sex addiction is merely another method that a damaged individual uses to control and hurt another individual.
A sleep,if he wake up in the middle of the nite he continue with his drinking. I feel stuck and lonely in this marriage.
Susan, I really hope you’ll reach out for some help just for YOU. A personal counselor might be one option to look into. Groups are another great way to find support, and they are often free: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, Al Anon, Pure Desire, xxxChurch. Whatever your husband chooses to do, there are great ways for you to find support and connection. You CAN choose hope and healing, no matter what other people choose. Blessings, Kay
I have had to deal with porn in two marriages for the last 35 years. What I have learned is that no one is studying this problem in our Country. It is a devastating problem for the wife. It took me 10 years before I could trust someone after my first husband and then I found out my second husband had the problem. Porn destroyed both men but they never could see it. All these men do is lie to the wife and then hide everything they do on the computer, phone, etc. There can be no fixing the problem when the men hide everything and figure as long as you don’t see it, they can’t be doing it! I am 62 and have heard horrible stories about what the older woman has to go through with their grandpa husbands usage of porn. Several of the women that I know are basically waiting for their husbands to die. One woman has to put up with her husband who is on a walker bringing home strippers from the strip joint frequently. He is wealthy so these young woman accommodate this man. Our society is so sick and no one is doing anything about it. Once the porn addict gets away with viewing porn all of the time, they can advance to gay porn, animals, children, etc. I hope that one day I can get out of the hell that I am living in. I have been roommates with my husband for many years now. When sex has been tried, I have to do everything because he can have an orgasm. And when it’s over, he gets up and goes out of the room I finally said that I was not going to be used like that so we have been roommates. I don’t have sympathy for the men who get on these websites and put all of the blame on the woman. If your husband is telling you that you are not attractive anymore or they are not attracted to you anymore, or they feel that you don’t like sex, then they more than likely are a porn addict. My husband has stated everything listed that a porn addict says or does. If you watch their behaviors when they are out with you, you can tell that they have habits that they don’t realize they are doing. Sorry for the negative comments but I am done and if I could support myself I would be out of this controlling, unloving marriage. Counseling has already been tried but he always says that I am making it up. —-Wrong because I have caught him in the past and have found much on our computer going through the backdoor. Also, my husband has all of his computer and phone activities hidden. I can’t even see the pictures as they are pattern and masked. I think this husband of mine is bisexual. There is no conversation with my husband at all becuase he blows up if I suggest anything off color. So, I know that he is way into this porn. I am sex starved and sick of it. I am finished with going to counseling to make anything better with this man. He is too nasty, mean, controlling, etc.
Hey Deborah. Actually, there are people who are studying pornography in all sorts of different ways. The problem is, no amount of studying can force people to make good choices. The only thing we can really be responsible for is our own healthy choices. So, while counseling is never, ever going to force your husband to change, it can certainly help you to have good boundaries, to take charge of your own emotions, and to live a healthy life for yourself, no matter what your husband chooses to do. With the history you’ve described in your marriages, it seems like S Anon might be a good fit for you, to provide support for you emotionally and to help you decide how to be healthy in these circumstances. Whatever your husband chooses, I hope that you will choose health and healing for yourself. Blessings, Kay
3 weeks ago I realized my husband was using porn. We talked & agreed it is his problem and he asked for help. He will talk with a psychologist next week. But…I just don’t know how to act around him anymore. I don’t know how to dress around him. My deep anger inside makes it impossible to look him in the eyes, hug or kiss him. Up until 6-8 wks ago, we both were madly in love with a healthy sex life. Now, he can’t. Idk how to “be” around him so I try to find chores to keep me busy.
I think it’s okay to cut yourself some slack here as you try to process the reality of what’s been going on in your marriage. You don’t want to stay in this stage forever, and you won’t. But being shocked is normal.
I’m really glad your husband is going to see a psychologist. I would also suggest that he look into a group like SAA, Pure Desire, or some other well-established group for men with porn issues, and then stay in that group for at least a year. Even with the best response initially, it usually takes around 5 years to fully recover from a long-standing porn habit. Most men don’t realize just how deeply ingrained the problem is, or how much work it takes. So just be ready for that!
I would also suggest that you find a counselor to talk to, so that you can process through the anger you’re experiencing now, plus whatever other emotions surface over the course of recovery. I think you need to find a group for yourself, too: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, Pure Desire, even Al Anon have been helpful to women I know. xxxChurch has online groups for wives, too.
Here’s a link to some of our top articles for women; those may help you begin to process through what’s happening for you. We’ve also got two free downloads, Porn and Your Husband, and Hope After Porn, that you may find helpful.
Blessings, Kay
How are things going? What’s your journey been like?
I suspected something was going on but didn’t actually catch my husband until we had been married for almost 7 years. He was drunk and thought I was asleep. The light from the laptop made me open my eyes and I did a double take and grabbed the computer out of his hands. I was utterly disgusted at the filth I saw on the screen. My husband literally FLIPPED OUT! Saying crazy things ( keep in mind he was drunk) trying to blame it on 2 of our sons, then acussing me of things, all the while saying I DON”T CARE, I DON”T CARE anymore! He then told me I over-reacted and asked haven’t I ever seen people having sex? Fast forward to last Thanksgiving, while trying to find Excel on my laptop, I right clicked on Windows Media Player and found the mother load. Ditto for our PC upstairs. I also found over 300 downloaded pictures, downloaded videos, and several hidden libraries with locked files. Which interestingly have all been deleted. Again, I was beyond upset, disgusted, and shocked. I tried talking to him about it which was a joke. He blamed others, totally denied any part of it and told me it was not to be discussed again and he didn’t give a rip about my feelings. Just 3 weeks ago, he looked at porn on MY CELL while I went to ladies room in a restaurant. He thought he deleted out of it but doesn’t know how to work my phone. Again, I asked if he’d been on my cell and deny, deny deny! Aside from the fact that it is porn, the sites he views are exceptionally disturbing because they are extremely violent and with young girls. So not only am I dealing with an alcoholic but also with a sex addict who refuses to take any responsibility for his actions. Just a lot of deceitful behavior and dirty little secrets.
Beth, I am just so sorry. I think you’ve got to consider what healthy boundaries can look like for you in this situation. You might want some help thinking this through in a group like S Anon or Al Anon.
And, I should tell you, if he has downloaded child pornography, then he can be prosecuted for that by the FBI. If you’re seriously concerned about the age of the girls involved, call your local law enforcement and speak with them about it. I know that would be a tough step to take, but I want you to understand that if he’s downloading child porn, then it’s very serious indeed.
Blessings, Kay
I’m positive after 30years of marriage , gunshot but lasted my husband started sex texting women on facebook.he fell asleep and a text came thro it was extremely explicit .I text the woman back and had a reply saying I couldn’t keep my husband satisfied so it was my fault. Since then we broke up then talked and tried our marriage again , now after three year’s I’ve caught him watching porn constantly when ever he can and where ever even the toilet while he’s having a wee , our sex life don’t exist he pays no attention too me and says what he’s doing is normal he does not realise he’s got a problem I however can’t take no more all I’ve read is true he’s got all the profanities of an addict , I feel alone, ugly and very much Un wanted .
I am so, so sorry. It’s heartbreaking to hear this.
First of all, let me tell you that this is NOT ABOUT YOU. This is not about you being inadequate as a person. This is about your husband substituting a quick sex fix for the hard work of a real relationship. Unfortunately, our culture has taught men to ignore emotions (be a man! big boys don’t cry!) to the extent that it’s much, much easier for a man to turn to porn (boys will be boys!) instead of work out how to be emotionally engaged in a relationship. Porn is like McDonald’s. It’s quick, it’s good in the moment–but long-term it’s healthy for exactly NO human being. It’s not good for you (obviously!) but it’s also not good for your husband, as all he has after 30 years of marriage is fake relationships.
Second, whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy for YOU. Many, many women in your situation will meet the criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disoder, so find a counselor to help you process these events and emotions. A support group is a great idea, too. Think about what healthy boundaries will look like for you, and consider what you’d like your life to look like from here on out. Sadly, it does sometimes come to divorce. That is a simple reality in today’s world.
Your husband absolutely is capable of recovery–so many men have proven that! But, it will be up to him to make those healthy choices, and meanwhile, you’ve got to decide what’s healthy for you.
Peace, Kay
Hello women who are suffering from your partner’s porn addiction. I cannot recommend this workshop enough. It’s called Women in the Battle. It is a faith-based weekend workshops that take place a couple times a year all over the US. It is for women like so many posted here that are survivors of a partner’s sexual integrity issues. Is explains what happens in a mans mind when porn is introduced. There is a man’s workshop too called, Every Man’s Battle. Wives listen!! You are not the cause of his addiction! Pleas repeat that a thousand times! Dressing sexier, better sex positions, losing weight, etc—-not of that will CURE HIM!!! So please don’t spend your energy on that or on believing an addict’s lies. Pleas attend http://newlife.com/women-in-the-battle-workshop
I was in a 3 year relationship where my ex and I lived together for 1 year. When we moved in together I earned he watched porn before work, after work, during working hours, when I wasn’t home, sometimes on his way to work and in the bathroom while I was on the living room which was literally 10 feet away from the bathroom. He rejected me multiple times when I tried to have intimacy with him making me feel unwanted. I started to feel depress, ugly, not good enough for him. I lost all confidence I had in me. He used to ask me if we could have a play night where we both dressed up and I would agree but then I would get home and he had already masturbated leaving our plans aside. Hes explanation was that he did it because he didn’t know if our plans were going to happen or not. He also opened a fake match.com a month before we moved in seeking for a serious relationship. He has a few fake facebook accounts where he sent hundreds of friend requests to girls, escort listings and porn stars trying to open conversations with them. One of the porn stars is a girl he would always watch on the internet and he sent her a message telling her how beautiful she is. Can someone explain to me why escort listing?.. I became obsessed with the situation and I started to do research all the time. I went to a therapist because I wanted to make sure if it was me the one that was overreacting or if it was normal to feel this way. I spoke to him about the way I was feeling but it seemed like he didn’t care. He kept in doing it. He said watching porn was just a stage from guys in their 27 to early 30ths, and that some percentage of man do it in USA. He would never do research about the consequences on his job, health nor the relationship we had. He became more intimate but he didn’t stop watching porn. He said that he needed to watch porn to be able to be intimate sometimes. I started to look at his phone and he used to hated it. He would stare at girls when we were together etc… I was never able to trust him again because he would always change his password on his phone, put in on silence, turn off his notifications, leave it on the living room and never charge it anymore.. He used to do things that made me think things.. My concern was that he was probably not sure about me or that he was probably not happy with me. He was pushi, always wanting to fix my schedule. I used to get up at 5:20 am, go to school do homework than work and get home around 9:30pm, I had no time to go to the gym and he would insist often on it. I am a pretty 33 year old woman, 5’4in, 105lb. I am not overweight but he wanted to see muscles on my body. He started to point out my imperfections which made me feel ugly. I be ame distant with him because I was hurt. He broke up with me a month ago and asked me to move out. He told me that now I can go get married and have kids. That his parents and his brother think it was the best. That I made him think he has a problem. That I was a jealous pearson. He does not want to know anything about me. And I am still inlove with him. I feel it was my fault he broke up with me. I think I somehow cornered him.
This is NOT YOUR FAULT. NOT. YOUR. FAULT. You didn’t corner him or have unusual expectations. You just wanted a normal relationship. And it sounds like he isn’t able or willing to do that, due to his porn use.
He is making choices about how he deals with his sexuality, and those choices are completely his own.
I would encourage you to continue in therapy, to learn what healthy boundaries will look like for you in future relationships. We’ve written a lot about boundaries in relationships, here and here. If you haven’t found a group for support, those can be great, too: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, xxxChurch.
Continue to read and educate yourself–the patterns you’ve seen here in this relationship are very common with porn-addicted men. Understand what you’re seeing and what it means, so you can be wise in the future. You might want to read our free download, Your Brain on Porn, which details the how the brain works in addiction. That will help you understand how this is not your fault, but the result of choices he’s making. His behavior changes him, and not in good ways!
Blessings, Kay
Thank you Kay!! Now I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to know anything about me. He was my best friend for the last 3 years. He said he loved me many times. He told me he couldn’t see his life without me, bla, bla. What can be a reason that he is so mad at me? I haven’t looked for him I don’t think I am since he was clear when he left about breaking up. there are things I just don’t understand
I think you can be the target of a lot of anger simply because you’re the person who knows what’s going on in his life. I have a little video about defense mechanisms at YouTube, which might help you understand how this anger gets displaced onto you.
Sadly they will never be satisfied. I have been stupid enough to live in the same situation and also making excuses for this sick behavior. These men watch porn and I am pretty sure more than that. Open up your eyes ladies before you wake up and it’s too late. I let it slide with my sick hubby for years when we I married him only at the age of 20. He lies and manipulated years after and 3 kids later it only got worse. If you spot it early I beg to run before bringing in children because they only get crazier and believe me it will effect your children as well. Please listen because once it starts into the children then you start Being just as guilty because once the children are teens they view this type of behavior . It can put a strain on them against you as well.. why did mom stay .. even worse get involved with the same type. If they aren’t willing to get help and as they stated it takes years of work.. get out and take care of you before you make your life a living hell / the children. God Bless!
Kay, I have been crying everyday since the breakup. Why if I know he is not good for me I want him back?. It’s like if I was addicted to him and I am going through withdrawal right now.. I feel DESPERATE, I have a lot of anxiety. I think about him all the time. It’s taking me time to accept that he doesn’t love me and on top of that he left me with an STD (herpes) that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. I am going to have to go through rejection in order to find someone. It’s embarrassing and hurtful.. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I want to stop hurting. I don’t like the feeling of needing him in order to be okay. Now there is something he said to me that I can’t get out of my head. That I MADE him think he has a problem and that I am a super jealous person because I used to get mad at his porn use and fake profiles..
Healing takes time. It just does. Sometimes when a relationship has been especially traumatic, that can make the healing even more difficult. I would encourage you to at least find a group that might be a safe place to process through this, to find support with others who understand pain and healing. Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, even Al Anon can be so helpful. You might want to think about personal counseling as well. You’ve got a lot of emotion here, and you need safe places to process that.
I would also say that the things he told you, about it being your fault–well, that looks to me like a manifestation of his own defense mechanisms. He may rationalize to himself that you made him this way, so he says that to you. It’s not true! But it may be how he explains his behavior to himself. Here’s a little YouTube animation I did that explains a bit about defense mechanisms and why people use them.
Find some safe people who can help you process through this, help you think about the truth instead of lies, and help you think about how to be healthy going forward into future relationships. Blessings, Kay
Thank you Kay!!
You’re welcome :)
I found out 6 months ago my husband was/is viewing porn. I don’t really know anything about that ‘world’. I guess love is blind and I lived in lala land for 10 years head over heels in love with my husband. I thought he felt the same but because my last husband cheated always felt like something was a little off in my gut but I would let it go because my husband would dismiss my thoughts as silly, so I’d let it go. Fast forward 10 years I find porn on his phone. I don’t know if I will ever trust him. I don’t know if he has ever loved me. He said he has stopped but who can ever know. I didn’t know for 10 years and I don’t know if he lied that whole time and or if he’s still lying. It’s truly heartbreaking that the love of my life ruined my faith in all men and the hope of anyone having a committed trusting marriage anymore.
Hi July,
I am so so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I can’t even imagine the betrayal and sadness you are feeling right now. Please know that you are not alone. Each day, I hear from both men and women who have caught their spouse/significant other with porn, and they feel just as heartbroken as you are right now. Porn is an ugly trap that is difficult to get out of.
The good news is that there is hope and healing. I want to encourage you to read this story on our blog. Although it is at first filled with brokenness and despair, the real-life couple in the story is able to restore their marriage and find trust again. I know that not all “stories” end like this one, but I pray that it provides you with hope.
For your own personal wellbeing, have you considered finding a therapist? I have found that in any struggle I am going through, a biblical counselor is an excellent tool. I’d also encourage you to read the resources at Bloom for Women.
I am praying for you! You are strong!
Moriah
I have been with my fiance for 2 and a half years! We were only dating 3 months when we decided to move in together! I wasn’t aware of his pornography addiction until one night I went to get online and a pornography ad was still on the screen! I questioned him about it and of course he denied watching it! So course from that point on, I was obsessed with knowing if he was watching pornography! I would search the computer inside out trying to find evidence! It is now 2 years later and I know that he is still watching porn while time at work or not home! He hides his addiction very well! He does treat me well and I can tell he loves me! We have sex 3-4 times a week, sometimes more! Although, there are times when we have sex I feel like he is acting out a pornography scene and other times I feel like we are “making love”! My question is, is it possible to have a normal, healthy relationship with someone who has a pornography addiction? Are there different levels of addiction? Should I let it go of he’s only viewing pornography when I’m at work? Help! I love this man… I don’t want to lose him because of pork!
Hi Jen.
I do think you can have a healthy relationship with someone who is in recovery and taking responsibility for themselves, even if they are not completely porn-free at all times.
And yes, I do think there are different levels of use/addiction. I wrote about that here.
The problem here is that your fiance sounds like he’s not really taking responsibility for his behavior; whatever his level of use, he’s hiding it. He’s not working on recovery. And generally, that means there will be escalation of use.
I think it would be helpful for your fiance to filter/block his internet, if he’s serious about being clean. He should have accountability partners besides you who are helping him keep to his goals and stay sober. You should know what’s going on, of course, and feel satisfied that he is taking responsibility for himself. Here’s an article you could pass along to him.
My opinion is that if he does not take responsibility for this, his use will likely escalate. I have yet to hear of a porn problem that just stayed isolated to one area of life such as “just watching at work.” (Does his work allow this? Or is it only a matter of time until he gets caught there and fired?) The reality of porn today is that it is so violent, so degrading to women. It causes chemical changes in the brain that require more and more stimulation. Our free download, Your Brain on Porn, addresses this issue. That would be helpful for him to read, if he is willing.
I hear that you don’t want to lose him because of porn. But the only person who can make that choice is him. He has to do the work. You can’t do it for him.
Whatever he chooses, you choose good boundaries and good health for yourself. Personal counseling can help, and so can groups like xxxChurch, Celebrate Recovery and S Anon. Find safe people, make healthy choices.
Blessings, Kay
Hello women who are suffering from your partner’s porn addiction. I cannot recommend this workshop enough. It’s called Women in the Battle. It is a faith-based weekend workshops that take place a couple times a year all over the US. It is for women like so many posted here that are survivors of a partner’s sexual integrity issues. Is explains what happens in a mans mind when porn is introduced. There is a man’s workshop too called, Every Man’s Battle. Wives listen!! You are not the cause of his addiction! Pleas repeat that a thousand times! Dressing sexier, better sex positions, losing weight, etc—-not of that will CURE HIM!!! So please don’t spend your energy on that or on believing an addict’s lies. Pleas attend http://newlife.com/women-in-the-battle-workshop
If i were you I would demand he attend this workshop for men. Its hard for men to admit they have a problem and this one brings much shame. Please check out Every Man’s Battle workshop
Lately I haven’t been wanting to have sex with my fiancé because we have sex everyday sometimes all day when our schedule is freehand I just get tired of having sex sometimes. We have been engaged for 2 months now and things are really starting to change a bit from when we first met and were dating. He’s admitted to watching porn whether I’m away or sleep and don’t want any sex or just for the hell of it. It really hurts my feelings because it makes me feel as if I’m not good enough for him. Let me not forget to mention that he looks at other women while we’re out in public. He use to lust after them but now sense I have talked to him continuously on how it makes me feel and my self esteem dimenishes. He respects me a little more now. I accept that he’s been truthful with me on watching porn but it still hurts like hell. Also when I use to talk to him about looking at other women while I’m present he would just lie and say he didn’t do it or he wasn’t “intentionally trying to do it” . Even with watching porn and jacking off to it I get very upset with him and become very argumentive but yet and still he doesn’t want to hear what I have to say and brushes it off. Even when we’re sitting down watching a movie and two people are getting intimate with each other he smiles and chuckles a little bit at the site of seeing them. Anything he hear or see sexual he has to give some type of response to it. And that alone even upsets me. He says he doesn’t want to cheat on me or haven’t thought about it and that if he wanted to do it it wouldn’t be hard to do. But even with that being said I still have my doubts and fears. I’m starting to think twice on marrying him now, now that I see him for what he really is which is a pervert. He hates when I call him that and denies it and says he has self control, but I’m always so upset and don’t care what his response is because his actions shows me otherwise. I’m trying to brush these situations off but it’s really affecting me physically and emotionally.
Hey Amber. Well, your sexual relationship should be satisfying and healthy for both of you, not just your boyfriend. Your body is your own, and you should be able to draw boundaries and decide if you want to have sex or not. You shouldn’t feel pressured or coerced into having sex. That is not respectful to you as a person. That is treating you like an object.
I think you are wise to consider his behavior, not just his words. If you are unhappy with the way things are now, and unable to talk things through to your satisfaction, then that doesn’t seem like a good basis for a life-long relationship.
Think about what boundaries would be healthy for you. Whatever he chooses, make sure you’re making healthy choices for you.
You might want to join a support group–maybe an online group at xxxChurch or a group like Celebrate Recovery or S Anon. Find some safe people who can help you work out what is healthy for you.
You are a precious, valuable, beloved person. Your relationships, especially your closest relationships, should reflect that.
Blessings, Kay
As I read the comments, I see so much emotional pain. I’ve been married for 10 yrs and since early in our relationship I quickly realized he used to use this method to achieve pleasure. I cannot talk about it, he has threatened me to leave me if I even mention this issue to him. He says he only looks at it “once in a while”, but I feel that this still brings lots of pain because he prefers porn over sex with me. If I engage to sex with my husband one a month I am the luckiest wife on earth. But this is not all, what concerns me is that one night he slept at my 8 yr daughters bed (she was sleeping at her grandma’s house that night) and on the next day when I woke up, I went to her room and he has tissue paper stuffed inside his underware. He felt asleep just like this and did not have time to throw the tissue away. That image disgust me. Just the thought he was looking a porn and masturbating on my daughthers bed. I honestly don’t want to pursue a relationship like this anymore. I have forgave him many times, prayed, participated in small groups, gone conseling, all the check list. I have a couple questions: 1) When enough is enough? 2) By being a “good Christian woman” and trying to keep my family together (and he knows that) Am I feeding his bad adition by giving him so many chances?
Hi Melissa. I’m so sorry for the pain you are experiencing in your marriage.
It sounds like you have done a lot of work, but I don’t hear you mentioning that he’s done anything to change his habits. Sadly, as you’re experiencing, we can’t forgive and pray enough to force someone else to change. If he wants to change, he will have to do that work himself. No amount of being nice and doing the right thing can for him. He has to choose.
I agree with you that him sleeping in your daughter’s bed is a very concerning issue. It may be that the problem is progressing to more acting out, and if so, your daughter’s safety is the most important concern.
My own opinion is that you need to decide what healthy boundaries look like for you and your child. Here’s an article Ella wrote recently that addresses that issue.
Recently, Luke wrote an article about when porn is grounds for divorce. He started out doing his masters thesis thinking that porn is NOT grounds for divorce, and in the process of studying, changed his mind. I think it’s very helpful and freeing.
And yes, I do think that we can take the “good Christian woman” thing to a place of enabling the sin of others. You’re the person in that relationship, and you can be the judge of whether that’s happening for you. I know you’ve been to groups before, but I wonder if you’ve been to S Anon or Al Anon? Those groups are really good for sorting out what’s your responsibility, and what is the responsibility of the other person.
Whatever your husband chooses, YOU CHOOSE LIFE! For yourself and for your daughter.
Blessings, Kay
Omgggg please get the hell out of there for the sake of your daughter!!! My heart sank to read this. Seek help asap but get out and never ever leave him alone with her. A mother must protect the child at all costs. An addict will lie to your face. Please remember this addiction escalates when they are no longer satisfied. It will get worse. Praying you and your daughter is safe.
i been my boyfriend three i look at his phone porn email girl calling but he dont know how porn got on the he didnt know the girl he blame me what should i do
Sounds like it’s time to think about what boundaries are healthy for you in this relationship. Here’s an article about boundaries and porn in dating. Decide what’s healthy for you, and make those healthy boundaries! Trust yourself! Peace, Kay
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. About 7 months into the relationship I found a lot of porn on his phone. It was all BBW websites, meet up and have sex websites, porn, etc. All of the women had huge asses and biggish boobs. I am a very petite girl with small breasts along with a small butt. This made me so angry that he would not only watch porn, when he has me, but also watch porn of women who looked nothing like me. If made me feel as if he wanted someone more like them, someone different. I begged him to never watch porn again and he promised. About four months later, I found more porn on his phone. I broke up with him, but then he told me he would put his hand on the bible to never do it again and to get me back. I accepted his offer. Now I went onto his Instagram, and is you type in “po” porn instagrams pop up. If you type in “bo” the same happens. Does this mean he is looking at porn again? Do you think be will ever stop? I can’t be with a man who watches porn it just disgusts me.
Hey Regan. Well, the signs aren’t looking good, are they? It sounds like he’s got a real habit going there, and he hasn’t been able to take responsibility for that yet. There’s far more to recovery than good intentions and swearing on Bibles.
He needs to filter his internet, change his habits, get some accountability and support in place (maybe a group like Pure Desire or Celebrate Recovery or even SAA), and repeat repeat repeat until he’s in a better place. Some guys have said that it takes up to 5 years to truly recover, and I think that’s pretty accurate. Here’s an article you could pass along to him, if he’s interested. Of course he can stop looking at porn. He just has to do the work, and it’s probably going to be a lot more work than he realizes right now.
Here’s an article I wrote a while back about boundaries in dating. I’ve also got a short ebook at Amazon for girlfriends–it’s got some conversation starters and ideas of things to look for so you can trust yourself to make good decisions.
Actually, I think you’ve been wise and made good decisions so far! Just keep at it. I know it’s hard and painful to face up to these things, but I’m so glad you’re able to be strong and courageous even when it’s hard.
Blessings Kay
my fiance has been overly addicted to porn where we really dont have a sex life its about once a month now. i have caught him many times doing it, and the sites, and photos he has. it goes from teen porn, to lesbian porn, and hes even gotten to the point of looking up naked guys. its caused alot of problems in our relationship cause he always makes remarkes about my body, and my looks, i wait on him hand and foot and all i get in return from it is treated like shit because of it and it all started over his addicton, it makes it even worse cause i have 2 daughters ones not biologically his and it scares me of what could happen its gotten to the point where he chats with other woman and has slept with a couple so he can have more. i love him more than anything but its ruining our relationship and i dont know what to do anymore
Hey Sammie. I am so sorry to hear this. And the sad truth is, there isn’t much you can do to change his behavior. He’s been acting out pretty seriously, and that makes me wonder if you are even safe having sex with him any more. I think you need to consider what healthy boundaries would look like for you in this situation. Is it healthy for you to be there with him at this point? Emotionally, spiritually, physically–is this a healthy relationship for you? Ella wrote a good article about this recently.
I’d also suggest that you find support for yourself, through personal counseling or a support group like Celebrate Recovery or S Anon. Whatever your fiance chooses to do, you can make healthy choices for yourself. You might like to read our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women tell their own stories of recovery.
Many blessings, Kay
Hi Kay,
Reading all these comments brings so many questions I don’t know where to begin. Over the past two years it’s become apparent that my bf has an issue with porn. I love him. I’ve had boyfriends who have looked at porn in the past and I didn’t even flinch. I’ve honestly looked at porn and stopped once I started dating my man because I don’t need it. But when he looks at it I start shaking, I literally become physically ill. I’m always worrying when I’m not home that he’s jerking off to other women. Is it wrong of me to feel insecure? I just wish I didn’t care like in my past relationships. We have plenty of sex, I’m also willing to try new things (minus a few). I know he’s a really good person and he loves me so much. He would never cheat on me. But he uses all of these things as excuses for looking at porn. “At least I’m not out there cheating on you”. Sometimes in a way I feel like it is cheating, it makes me sick thinking of him looked at other naked women. I was hoping this day would never come, but the other night at 4 am I walked out into the living room to find him doing…you know. And he makes me feel like it’s my fault. I’m not having sex with him enough, I don’t try to make him orgasm for long enough (he has a hard time climaxing from some medication, and I’m sure the porn). We are both recovering drug addicts so I would like to think I understand addiction, but I have a hard time being compassionate on this one. After years of tears and fighting, he knows it kills me, yet he still does it. And he looks at trannys, shemales, and today I found incest porn. Which he claims he didn’t look at, obviously there’s no way it just got there on its own. So I’m wondering should I be questioning his sexuality? I read that men watch fantasies that they would never actually act out on. I can’t get the image of walking in on him out of my head. He got so defensive and said things I never thought I would hear him say. I can’t seem to shake it. And it caused the biggest blow out fight we’ve ever had….the next day he’s looking at porn again. He downloaded a different search engine thinking I wouldn’t find it. Now it’s becoming an obsession for me, I can’t stop wondering what he’s doing, I always want to check his phone and laptop. It’s embarrassing that I’ve become this way because that’s not who I am. I’ve also been with men that do not look at porn, so the excuse that all men look at porn is a joke. So I’ll check out more of your links and consider going to a support group, but if you have any answers that would be great! Thank you.
Hey Jenna. This is such a tough issue! I think you can tell in a relationship when porn use crosses the line, and when your partner starts to choose porn over the relationship. When that happens, you’ll get the blaming behaviors, and I think that’s because your bf knows that he’s over the line and he’s choosing to have his primary relationship with porn, rather than with you.
It’s very common for women in this kind of situation to have symptoms consistent with PTSD. When he’d rather have porn than you, it does carry the same dynamic as cheating.
Porn use can escalate in various ways, especially if he is experiencing some erectile dysfunction, and it is true that users become less sensitive to all kinds of material. The most commonly watched porn today is very violent and degrading to women. Once that becomes “normal,” you need increasingly provocative images to provide the chemical high you’re after. It may or may not be an indicator of sexual identity issues.
Since you’ve been in recovery before, I’m sure you know all about boundaries, but here and here are a couple of articles. And I definitely think that S Anon might be a help for you right now, as you process what’s happening and what you need to do to be healthy in the midst of it.
One of the best books I know about relationships/marriage is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. It’s interesting, but sex isn’t one of the things! It’s all about knowing each other, being able to work through issues, learning how to agree to disagree when you need to, and truly caring about the other person’s emotions. If you have one person in the relationship who thinks, “I get to do whatever I want, and you just have to suck it up” then I’d say you’re probably going to struggle to make the relationship work. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about Gottman’s ideas on building trust.
I hope those links help! Blessings, Kay
My partner of six years has. struggled with porn. It got to a point he was using works computers to print off images. I found them in our shed hidden away, they had disturbing images ranging from the normal sex scenes to twisted. I confronted him, and realised he had an out of control problem. together we did research bought the book ‘The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography’ . I read it all, he read parts. he decided to get a phone so he couldn’t get on-line or see images. And told me to have a password so he couldn’t get on-line without my present. I felt like a prison officer. (The images haunted me, but I wasn’t going to lose my partner he had an illness) We booked to go see ‘Relate’, he went to one session and then had a violent outburst smashing his glasses, saying he had sorted his problem himself. That was two years ago. He has had numerous relapses, I slackened my guard on the computer and he found a way round. We got now TV a few months ago and he started researching the dark web which frightened me so I put parental controls on the computer. Since them he has been rude and snide with me demanding alone time , depression episodes every two weeks, withdrawing from intimacy.We discussed dopamine addiction, and was looking at natural ways for him to get a fix..Three days I found out he had been in a sex shop and hidden porn in our bedroom. I confronted him, saying he needs to get help and so do I. He decided to leave me. Said I was too controlling. We had such a good life together, apart from his addiction he is a wonderful man, He is a victim, who refuses to get help. My heart is broken, there is nothing left for me to try, He made his choice
Oh, Lorna. I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re suffering right now. It sounds to me like you were as healthy as you could be in that situation. You did all the things I’d say to do: educate yourself, get behavioral helps in place, have good boundaries. He just made choices we wish he hadn’t made, and all the symptoms you describeof rudeness, demanding alone time, depression–clear indicators of those choices.
This is such a huge loss, when you can see what a wonderful person he is in other ways. It is heart-breaking.
I hope you’re finding support just for you in the face of this grief–personal counseling, maybe a group like S Anon? It’s so important that you’re card for properly through this time.
Sending blessings and light and life and prayers your way as you process your emotions and move forward. Kay
I’ve noticed an obvious lack of guys commenting on this so here it goes. I’ve struggled with porn addiction since I was about 13. It has been a constant struggle for me since. I would make incredible personal development victories, and the first thing the relapse would always be pornography. Every personal flaw that I exhibit from time to time I can trace back to this addiction. I would feel angry and unhappy, unfulfilled and irritated. Every day was a search for something a little better and when I wouldn’t find it, it would send me into this miniature fit. You have to understand, this isn’t simply about choice after a number of years. Sure, every time I did look at porn it was a choice in essence, but there are far deeper things influencing that decision. You feel like there is something so deep you can’t reach it, and it controls your life. Your brain chemistry is whack, and you’re trying desperately to fix it. The problem with fixing an infected organ with the same infected organ should be relatively obvious to most. I can’t begin to explain the struggle I have had with removing these activities from my life. I don’t blame anyone but myself for the situation I have found myself in. It had nothing to do with my wife, her “performance in bed”, or how she matched up to the my corrupted mental image of pornography’s “ideal woman”. Even if my wife didn’t exist, I would have still had the problem. It’s so deeply rooted that her presence almost had influence. To assume that a man’s addiction to porn is solely or even partially based on his wife is pure BS, to be honest. I don’t think men look to porn to make up for their wife’s “flaws”. If they looked to porn for the solution, it had already been an addiction, in my opinion. You don’t just decide to use porn to fix things, porn already has to be a factor before a man (or woman) decides that it’s the route they will take. I can never say that I will ever be completely rid of this addiction. I find my mind wandering just writing about it, that’s how corrupt pornography can make you. Every waking second is strangled and thrown down a rabbit hole of lewd content. It’s a terrible thing. I wish I had never discovered it. I wish someone was there to tell me that I would regret so much wasted time, ruined relationships, vile synapses and literally non-existent self-worth if I chose the path to pornography. But now I actively fight it every day, even after years of no porn. It doesn’t go away and your mind is filled with bullet-holes and scars to remind you that at one time in your life there was something there that controlled you. I hope this testimony helped shed some light for those who are wondering what it’s like. It’s only my opinion and I have no idea if it’s all right, but I hope it does help. Thank you for posting the article. I can honestly say I exhibited every one of those symptoms at one point or another in my life.
Hi Steve.
I am honestly so glad you replied to this, I’ve been reading these comments for what seems like hours trying to find even a smidge of something to make me feel better about my situation. Although everything I have read has hit home to me, and has great relevance to my current relationship, hearing it from someone who struggles with this personally rather than someone else looking in made it that much more surreal.
I am 23 years old and my boyfriend is 25. We have been together for about a year and as far as emotionally we have no problems. We rarely fight or argue and are able to actually talk things out which is something I did not have in any past relationship. He loves me and my 4 year old daughter unconditionally and shows that with each day. But he does struggle with porn addiction, and I came to realize that about 3 month’s into our relationship. We had gotten up one morning and I had said I wanted to have sex, he asked if we could that night instead and I thought nothing of it and proceeded to my usual mornings. I had just made breakfast, and realized he had been in the bathroom for some time and didn’t really think much about it until it was going on 20 minutes. I knocked on the bathroom just making sure he was okay and not sick or something, and I must have startled him and heard his phone drop to the floor. I went to open the door but only to find it was locked. I asked what he was doing and completely out of breath he told me he’d be out in a minute. I waited, and when he came out he said he must have ate something bad and kind of laughed it off. I didn’t show it but I had a very real feeling of what he had.been doing. I never went through his phone, his browsing history or even questioned what he did when I wasn’t around. Well that day I had an overpowering urge to check his phone while he got up to use the restroom, and there it was. Tab after tab of porn videos. Numerous different sites, while none of it was violent in nature, there was a lot of it. I brought it up to him and naturally he denied it until I told him I saw it with my own eyes and then he finally admitted to it and promised he would stop. It was a short conversation, and given we had never had trust issues before I wasn’t too concerned. But as the day’s went by, I found myself thinking about it, and realizing. How often he took his phone where ever he went even just to the kitchen to get food, how often he’d spend 20+ minutes in the bathroom (after turning down sex), how often I was the one to initiate sex. As the months went by I caught him denying sex with me only to turn to porn moments later. Every time he promised he would stop and understood how much it hurt and upset me (I had been involved in a 2 year relationship previously with this problem, just more extreme. He would tell me I was ugly and would show me these women and say he’d never love me because I’d never look like them). There was one night maybe 5 months ago that made me realize just how bad his addiction was. He was at work and I at home. We have multiple tablets and laptops and he stays signed into all of them. My daughter was playing a game on a tablet and had gotten into his snapchat account. I went to close out of it but not before seeing some of the names of his “friends” on there. They were all porn related accounts, with pictures and videos of women foreign and local.. and I knew then that this was more than my bf being a horny and sex driven 25 year old man. Now I be already typed a novel so I’ll fast forward to present day. Since then, and after several anxiety attacks on my part, he has deleted all social media frequently tells me to check his phone. Which is relieving in a way although he could still be viewing it and just deleting it. We had another episode about 2 week’s ago but when I brought it up instead of denying it he admitted right away and to my surprise started to cry. It was then he told me about being molested as a child and he thinks that is why his brain works the way it does. He told me he wanted to get help but has yet to pursue that, but I am giving him time. The fact that he’s trying so hard to stop, and even that he no longer tries to deny it shows me that he does love me and does want to change. But should I be pushing him to get help sooner? I’ve tried really hard to be understanding no matter how might it may hurt me. I know this is something almost out of his control and that just like with drugs, can become a true addiction.
Reading your comment helped ease my mind a little. I AM good enough and he doesn’t watch it because he wants those women. He has a chemical imbalance due to years of sexual abuse, he is sick, he is an addict. But he is a wonderful man and loves me more than I can even fathom. And I will stay by his side through this because he WANTS to change, just may have never had someone in his life that hasn’t passed judgement without learning why he is the way he is.
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your difficult journey. So many men say this doesnt affect the family so “why you making a big deal about it?” Well you explained it very well. If you want more help, I encourage you to visit Every Man’s Battle workshop. God Bless. http://newlife.com/emb/first-steps/
Seriously dude you need to read a no nonsense book by STEVE GALLAGHER ” wORSHIPPING AT THE ALTER OF SEXUAL IMMORALITY” It really helped me to understand the real issue and problem of this type of sin.
This guy does not give you an excuse for your choices. He even says if you have to get rid of your computer or phone or change a job ,,that what you do IF you REALLY want to change ,,,other wise you are just kidding yourself. The bible says if needs be pluck out your eye if it causes you to sin…think about that? God wants us to take drastic measures to be OVERCOMERS IN CHRIST JESUS,,,IF INDEED WE REALLLY ARE IN CHRIST.
Steve
Your testimony sent chills down my spine bro.
At 34, with a failed marriage and many failed girlfriend relationships. I can now see why I sabotage my life whenever I reach personal goals. I tried to change so many times over the years but keep relapsing. My latest attempt I was clean for 3 months and then I was waking up in the middle of the night for no reason with a strong urge to watch porn. Even if I was busy the whole day and dog tired to get some sleep. The thing you said, it’s like trying to fix an organ, but using the same infected organ. At 34 now I am starting to understand and get a glimpse of this colossal monster I am battling in my life. To think it starts so simple as finding your older brothers hustler magazine and escalates over the years. Thank you Steve. I can see now others have fought this battle, I’m not alone. Slowly I am removing triggers in my life that cause me to relapse. Alcohol, coke, ecstacy and removing myself from friend circles that frequent strip clubs or party scenes. Thank you for your testimony and I hope many more in need of this message hear it. If anyone told me over the years I had a porn addiction I’d laugh it off and that’s my mind lying to itself. Only now I can see its influence in my choices and actions in life. I had to hit a wall and call it what it is.
i will be married going on 33 yrs . I should have realized when I found porn magazines before we were married that he had a problem. I married him should have realized when we didnt have a lot of sex on our honeymoon that our marriage would be in trouble . I did miscarry twice in first 6 yrs we were married. My husband has always been a contractor on the road . First 10 yrs I say him 23 days of yr. I have caught him thru the years talking to women online copied all the emails . He would buy them gifts and their kids. Always in Saying it was work related. We got to the point he was buying jewelry and lying to me . I went to visit him and confronted on pics of her and her kids . while he was at work I found 60 porn tapes under his bed in a shoe box. I bagged them up and took them to a dumpster. Next day he joined match dot com. I called and even talked to her. She said she had nothing sexually to do with my husband . He did buy her I love you bracelet and paid for her and her son to go on vacation. He was out of town on job interview that week same general area . I called hotel and was told my husband was never there. We went to marriage therapist. He said no more porn . do porn checks and have found up to 60 sites disguised as baseball sites. We have not had sex in over 10 yrs. He blames it on his diabetes. Sure he touches me once in a while but no passion . I need to have passion to be needed. He has made sure nothing is in my name the cars everything. I can’t afford to leave. I can’t stand being in a loveless marriage anymore. I have no place to go. Im at wits end. I just found porn again . He says he puts it on to irriate me. Really need help. I’m going on 62 . I need someone to grow old with who wants me . Wants to be with me! I’m so sad So Alone!
Oh, Lynn, your story just breaks my heart. It’s just so sad to think about all the pain you’ve suffered all these years. I want to encourage you to get support for YOU. You can’t control what he does, and it seems like your options are limited in so many ways. But you can take care of YOU, and I hope you will do that. Find a counselor in your area. Find a group, like Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, S Anon, or xxxChurch. Take care of YOU.
Here’s a listing of our top articles for wives. Here’s a link to a free video series for wives that you might find helpful. Here and here are two free downloads for wives.
I hope those ideas and resources will be helpful to you. Please let us know how you’re doing. Whatever your husband chooses, you choose to be healthy and whole. Blessings, Kay
There are a lot of generalizations here regarding who is at fault when porn addiction happens. I think we forget that each situation is so different and unique.
I am not proud to admit that I have used porn in my life, my marriage etc. My actions and anyone’s actions are there own responsibilities.
I would never blame my wife for my actions, I have to own them. In saying that, in my situation, her neglect to nurture our sexual relationship in marriage did affect me. It does not excuse my actions however.
Porn was something I used in my pre-marriage years and teens occasionally. Maybe it was my answer to “staying pure”.
My wife and I had sex before marriage, she was my first, I was not hers though. I remember the excitement I had around sex with her…when with her I never was even thinking of porn. My focus sexually was completely on her. I remember knowing how much she was attracted to me and how she wanted me. It made me feel 10 ft tall and that I could conquer the world.
When we got married, sex became infrequent, always initiated by me, and lots of rejection or turn downs. Now…it’s completely ok to say no at times…but if it is happening more than half the time…and sex is never initiated by that party…it will effect a person. I can see it effected me.
I used porn and it affected my thinking and got me doing things that were far away from my character I had built up for 28 years prior. Those are my actions and responsibilities and those desires have gone away since I stopped all porn etc. However, looking back , i can’t help but think that if sex was mutually sought after and treated as a way to serve each other in marriage, and meeting my needs that way was more of a priority and honor for her rather than a chore…it’s hard to think that I would be at this same place in life.
Again, my actions are my own…but I remember being very excited about our new marriage and how sex with her was going to be the only option and a regular occurrence in life….I also remember the disappointment I felt after hearing no, I’m tired, I have a headache literally hundreds of times. I also remember the scoffs I heard at the mention of sex, the quick no”s, and even hearing “can’t you just do it yourself” once….
So while porn addiction needs to be dealt with, and those actions are that persons responsibility alone…I believe in my situation I could have been helped to battle temptation a lot more….
I looked at porn in one form of another for over 30 years. I’ve recently (8weeks+) stopped. I see now that it is absolutely the single root cause of my being a total antisocial screw up for much of my adult life.
It was the real reason my marriage falied, and two longer term relationships ended as well. I have been blessed to be able to attract friendships with interesting, smart, beautiful women. But my porn use(addiction) ultimately killed my ability to reliably have good sex. I could mask it by using pills and doing other things well to please my partner but eventually I’d build up a tolerance to the pills and, like any normal woman, my unreliable erections became a source of silent but real tension in the relationships.
And deep down, I knew WHY my body was ‘not working’, but because it was such a shameful act I couldn’t truly explain it.
And that shame carried over _completely_ to my everyday life. At work, with friends, just any social interactions anywhere. Every face to face conversation would be a source of stress for me. I quit every job I ever had not once because I was a bad employee, in fact I was/am an excellent worker. But I’d always built up some stressful ‘thing’ between me and someone else, most of the time it only existed in my head. Maintaining eye contact was, in hindsight, nearly impossible. Casual conversations were always something to endure, not participate in. I figured it was just ‘me’.
Which it was, but it stemmed from the crap I was looking at every day, sometimes for hours and hours.
I only realize this now because I finally stopped for purely selfish reasons. I was so sick and tired of failing in bed, failing my lovers. I knew they were feeling confusion and frustration. And I was exhausting their quite merciful patience with me. That only made me more ashamed of myself and my actions.
Only my ex-wife truly knew what I was up to. We were together for over 15 years so, she managed to figure it out. I do wish she would have totally-overtly addressed it right out in the open. NOT AT ALL saying this was her fault. It is truly mine. But at the very least even if I continued in my self indulgent behaviors she could have saved herself years of pain and left me to wallow, you know? I say that because honestly it is the years of her pain and sadness that I cannot fix nor replace.
That’s the only thing left that I feel so bad about.
In the 8 weeks since I’ve stopped looking at/pleasing myself to the garbage, I have felt a very VERY real and remarkable change. Eye contact. Easy(!) conversations with everyone I see and deal with. The grocery store, the bank, everyone at work that I used to try to avoid (simply because they wanted to chat with me!). It is nearly unbelievable even to me to experience this. I used to feel like I had to do something to please a person in order to gain their acceptance, to make them like me. Now I feel such a RELAXED carefree attitude (no more subconscious shame) about myself. Its not that I feel I can do simply anything, I just don’t care any longer if it doesn’t work out or I fail. I mean, I’m not going to take my car apart because I didn’t just acquire a newfound mechanical ability, but I’m not afraid to ask a guy a question about something, and if I’m confused, I ask another question. I would have been too insecure to do that 3 months ago. And 20 yrs ago…
Another very small but astounding (to me) example: I was at the deli, I asked for a pound of something, some kind of salad. The kid serving me was your typical grump, and plopped in a pound and a half. Not having much money with me I knew I couldn’t swing that extra half. Normally I would’ve tightened up, maybe went to the ATM and got more money, or maybe put something else back and hated myself for not saying anything. This time I simply asked him to take some out. He said, “what?” so I asked him again. I didn’t do it as a ‘challenge’, I just asked for what I wanted. The words actually came out of my mouth before I could even think about it. I walked away thinking “did that really just happen?”,. But yeah, it did.
Plus, my interactions with women in general are 180 degrees from what they were. I used to be the type that would ‘flirt’ pretty strongly with my eyes, yet not be able to carry on a decent conversation. It was kind pathetic, and would make future interactions with those same women awkward. Now, I’m talking to people (not just simply females) and listening and responding because I’m interested in what they are saying. Not worrying about some aspect of myself. Again, no shame. But in a good way.
I totally get that many people might disregard my experiences as purely imagined psychobabble. That’s fine. In fact, if someone were to say, “it’s all in my head” I’d respond by saying YES! Yes indeed it is all in my head. A thousand times yes. My anxieties were all in my head and now my peaceful state is definitely “all in my head”. There was never really anything wrong with the parts downstairs, it was the control unit UPstairs that I screwed up for 30 years.
Do I know for sure if my body parts work? Well, I know that things in the morning are back, which I now appreciate because that went away. I know that in the past another crappy side affect from looking at porn all the time was the ability to use my mind (and nothing else) to create an erection. I can do that now if I want to. And, when I decide to date again, I’ll eventually find out for sure if my mind/body connection is back to what normal is. But I’m not worried.
Porn is crap. Porn is death. I’m a human again.
So when my husband and i moved in together,i constantly saw porn on his phone.after alot of arguing,he told me he stopped.Promised that he doesn’t look at it at all….The day we got married,two years back.I thought our porn problems ended.A month after we got married,i found out he was still using porn.Even on the day of our wedding and it was a dialy thing.I got so pissed off,i confronted him and he told me it wasn’t my fault,he has a problem and felt ashamed…I couldn’t het over it up until now.He says he hasn’t view porn since i caught him out.But somewhere deep in my mind,i still feel like he is.Although i have no concrete proof i just have a gut feeling.The saddest part is i am always available sexually and even feel worse that i want to have sex,and he is tpo tired,or too stressed out to have with me…we went from having sex every night to having sex 1ns a week or not at all.we have only been married two years,but i still feel like it is draining.I am a very sexual person,and weirdly love having sex.Which i often thought i would end up cheating if rhings don’t change.I do not know what to do or how to handle my deep thought of him still using porn.
You’ve been married 2 years, and you’re not having sex because he’s too tired or too stressed out? That’s some pretty concrete proof of some kind of a problem. Given his patterns in the past, I think you’re just putting two and two together and coming up with four.
If you can try to have a conversation with him about it when you’re not upset, that might be helpful. Dr. John Gottman talks about “soft approaches” to difficult topics. I know it’s hard to do that, but if you can, then you might have a better chance at the conversation. (Here’s a link to Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work–best marriage book out there.) Here’s an article I wrote a while back with some of Gottman’s ideas about trust.
It’s not weird for you to love having sex. That’s normal. We’re supposed to enjoy a healthy sex life together in marriage. If something is preventing that, it’s a cause for real concern about the long-term future of the relationship. I’d ask him what he’s looking for long-term in the marriage. Is this the best of what he hopes for? Or would he like to try working on the underlying causes of the surface issue of “no sex”–and see if you can grow this relationship into something that nurtures and sustains both of you over a lifetime.
Blessings, Kay
My husband is constantly on porn sites.. I have become paranoid. I check his phone, I have taken his laptop away as he used it for web cam stuff.
He hasn’t lied or said he isnt looking he just has told me
I found a message the other day to another woman… I can’t look at him the same way any more I don’t know what to do
Hi Amanda.
Well, it’s probably time to think about what healthy boundaries need to look like for you now. Here and here are a couple of articles with ideas. And here’s a link to Hope After Porn, our free download where several women tell their stories and include their experiences with boundaries.
I would also suggest going to a counselor to work through your emotions and think about what’s healthy for you in this situation. I don’t mean a couples’ counselor; I mean someone just for you. And if you can find a group in your area, that might be helpful to you as well. S Anon, Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, xxxChurch. Those are all places you can check.
I think you’re already experiencing that you can’t be in charge of your husband’s sexual sobriety. He has to choose that for himself and do that work for himself.
What you CAN be in charge of is your own boundaries, your own emotional processing, and your own healthy choices. I encourage you to take some steps toward that today!
Blessings, Kay
Is there a way of fixing your marriage. My husband shows no interest in me and i really have no interest for him as he put me off after wanting to try bondage stuff.. Felt total pressure. He lies and has facebook and twitter full of naked women and now ive found downloaded files on computer showing hes downloaded a fast amount of porn and the internet history is deleted when im at work and he ships children off to my mam. Priorities???
Hi Claire. Well, a “fixed” marriage requires both people to participate. You can’t fix it on your own. It sounds like you’ve already been able to identify some boundaries for yourself: you’re not interested in bondage, and you’ve been able to tell him that. I think that’s really healthy. We should always be able to say what we’re comfortable or not comfortable with sexually–and I think it’s up to each of us to decide for ourselves. I would say, continue to think about what is healthy for you in this relationship. What do you want from this marriage? Is the current situation one you want to live with for the rest of your life?
I don’t know what your converstations have been like so far, but I’d say ask him for a time to talk about the state of your marriage. Try making what Dr. John Gottman calls a “soft approach”–calm, courteous, and focused on the problem, not the person. (“This behavior is a problem” rather than “You are a disgusting human being”) Tell him how the porn use is impacting you, and what you see happening to the marriage. Ask him what his goals are for the relationship. Tell him what your hopes are for the relationship. See if you can come to any agreement on how the two of you together would like the relationship to be.
If you can’t agree, then I think you’ve got to consider what a healthy way forward will look like.
Here and here are some articles about boundaries that might help you think through what works for you.
Let me know if that helps, and if you have further questions. Blessings, Kay
My story is long, I’ll shorten it drastically. When we married I was young and innocent and I thought he was as well. We were both Christian and deeply active in church activities. Less than 2 years after being married he changed. Almost overnight he became irritable, condescending and critical seemingly out of nowhere. We’d fight, make up, a few days would go by seemingly fine, then the anger would return out of nowhere. Shortly after, he stopped all religious activities. Fast forward almost 16 years. Finally in the midst of another argument about sex (him feeling he’s not getting enough, me feeling there’s no intimacy to go with it) he blurts out that he’s been viewing and masturbating to porn since before we were even married. The light flicked on and everything…everything suddenly made sense. Now, here’s my problem. While I am grateful I understand, now, where the irrational behavior was coming from and that it isn’t my fault in the least, I am left wondering what in the world to do about it. Everything I read seems to have couples working on the problem together, or women simply divorcing. My husband admits he views porn. He will not admit it is causing any problems and seems entirely numb to the fact that it hurts me to the core. What help or answer is there for a woman that is trying to deal with this on her own rather than working as a couple? Or is the only answer divorce? I’m not ready to give up on him…yet… but after 4 years of knowing about the problem my patience and love feels like it’s running out.
Hey Eden. Isn’t it amazing how knowing the truth just turns the lights on everywhere?
This is such a tough issue, especially when your husband isn’t able to admit to the problems his choices have caused. I think this is very common; he’s simply verbalizing the defense mechanisms he’s created that help him to keep doing what he’s doing.
I’m sure that after four years you’ve already learned that you can’t force him to make healthy choices. And that leaves you in a difficult position.
When you’re working through this on your own, I think the best thing you can do is find a counselor who can help you process through the emotions you’re experiencing and who can help you think about healthy boundaries. Groups can be a great source of support as well.
Some women choose a period of separation to give the husband time to work on his own choices. If you haven’t read Hope After Porn, you might appreciate the stories those women share. Separation can be part of recovery, as it might help him to see that there are consequences to the choices he’s making. It can also be the first step toward divorce; it really just depends on the choices he makes. I wish I knew how to guarantee recovery, but the truth is: free will. We’ve all got it, and we don’t always make good choices with it.
Whatever he chooses, I hope you’ll find good support for yourself in the days ahead. Blessings, Kay
Hello, I will be married as of 10 years this year. Over the past 3 years or so, I have noticed a change in my husband’s behavior and routines. It has been a real struggle for me emotionally and so painful. It started with one day while I was sitting down at my desk in my home office and noticed in the history of my PC various porn sites. I confronted my husband, but I did not get a apology or really a straight answer- more or less I was told he would delete them and remove them from the computer. This really did not solve anything about the situation other than to offer me assurance that they would be “removed”. My husband and I always had a loving, fun, and healthy relationship- we were “that couple”- the couple that would survive. I am 11 years younger than my husband and as many other women in this forum have mentioned- I take care of myself- I am educated, workout- believe in a healthy sex/intimate relationship- that my husband and I once shared. I realized that the day I caught the porn sites on the computer- the problem never went away. It seems to have only escalated and have changed patterns to a point where I do feel emotionally abandoned and have thus reached out for counseling as I do love my husband and I want our marriage to withstand- I believe in our marital vows but at the same time, It is so heart wrenching to see this addiction become a wedge in what would have been a beautiful relationship.
In my case, it is so confusing as my husband is so loving in other ways- but then it is the late nights on the couch after I have gone to bed- this is a pattern that is just a continual cycle. It is also the hidden tablet I found in the basement- of course with deleted history searches- its the guarding of the cell phone, with again, deleted search results- and its the behavior change- the wanting to be alone and the mood shifts and defense mechanisms. Its a hurt that runs very deep- its an addiction – stemming far beyond perhaps one can imagine. Hence, the reason I am seeking counseling- I am the one suffering- just as much, if not more so than my husband. I am the one dealing with the anxiety, lonesome feelings, and depression. It the midst of all this, I refuse to give up and refuse to fall ill over this – I have worked very hard in life to be where I am. I am hoping that counseling if it cant help his addiction (if and when he decides to partake in the counseling) that the counseling at least provides me with resources and can help me to validate my feelings are real and deserve the attention I need to help me through this. I don’t know if I will ever discover the answer to any of this and my days of playing detective are just too much- I am putting this in the Higher One’s hands and counseling. God bless to the women who shared their situation, may we all find healing.
I’m so sorry, Carrie. It’s just heart breaking to see a wonderful relationship destroyed by porn. It sounds to me like you’re dealing with this really well–you’ve already done exactly what I always tell women to do: get help and support for yourself so that you can make healthy choices, no matter what your husband chooses. So many times I hear stories about how all the energy and resources have gone toward the husband’s recovery, and the wife has had little or no help with emotional processing and boundary-setting. I’m really glad to hear that you’re taking care of yourself so well. I hope your husband will be able to recognize what he’s losing and put his efforts toward his recovery. Blessings on your healing journey, Kay
Its heartbreaking to hear each testimony. The human spirit is can be so strong even in despair. I dont know if my testimony will help someone but i pray that it will. Im a young woman who is a little addicted to porn. I dont struggle with it everyday and so i am thankful i still have some self control. I was raped at a young age and it seemed like a dream bc i didnt know what was happening. It wasnt traumatic for me and i dont think anyone knew since i didnt feel comfotable telling anyone. I think afterwards was when i started to notice my body and i learned to masterbate. At about 13 yrs old i started to watch sex scenes in movies and when we got our first computer, i started searching for porn. I dont think anyone today knows about my problem, not even my husband. I usually watched porn once a week and it would be 30min to an hr each time. Sometimes sex doesnt satisfy me or make me orgasm so i watch porn while my husband sleeps. Im attracted to women too. Now that i have a 1 year old im so glad that things are better and im spending my time and thoughts on her well being. This problem is so hard to talk about but i have been able to talk about it a little with two friends. I made my husband tell me about how he started watching porn and its pretty funny but when he asks me, i deny it and he believes me lol. I thought he stopped watching porn after we started sleeping together (6 yrs now) until i randomly checked his browser history when i was 6months preg. Im glad hes not that addicted and i understand why he watches porn. My pregnancy changed my vaginal bacteria which made him itchy after sex. It was funny and embarassing to ask him but he admitted it so i wasnt mad. One time he had a spiritual high and confessed and apologized more about his little addiction and he even told me some of his porn star names. I would make fun of him even more but im relieved that he was honest and sorry. One sad thing now is that i usually have to initiate sex bc if i dont then we would go for a week or two wo sex. Its a turn off when he doesnt want it and start it off with foreplay. I understand that hes been working a lot of overtime, my vaginal bacteria is still weird at times, and we both have gained weight (sex is more exhausive). I dont think he knows about my addiction bc i dont think im ready to tell him. Im so thankful that we are still trying. I will say a prayer for everyone here and for all those couples around me. This is an unseen sin that grows and destroys. Thank you for addressing this issue and for providing solutions.
Hey there Anita. I appreciate you sharing your story here. I think every situation is unique, and I know that there’s healing for us all. One thing I would say to you is this: as you pursue solutions, I think you will need to address the issue of your childhood sexual trauma. You may not cognitively remember it as trauma, but your body remembers it as trauma. I would encourage you to find a therapist in your area who is experienced in treating childhood sexual trauma, and begin working on that issue. I don’t think you’re going to be able to process through to a healthy sexual relationship with your husband unless you address that piece. There are counselor directories at the American Association of Christian Counselors, and at Psychology Today. I would also encourage you to be honest with your husband about your own porn use. Ultimately, your sexual relationship is an extension of your emotional relationship, and neither of those can be healthy when they aren’t fundamentally honest. I wish you all the best in your healing, Kay
This may be a long story but I will try to shorten it & hopefully it will make sense. Last year was the worst year of my life seems like. I fell and was injured & have been experiencing the worst pain for almost a year. Two months after being injured I lost my best friend to suicide. Her death was one of the hardest things to get through and I’m still coping with it. It has gotten a little better but I haven’t had much time to think about it the last couple of months. I became a recluse other than the days I had to work. I was in constant pain and not sleeping much at all. I was at the lowest I have ever been in my life. I was depressed & have never experienced depression until then. I have always been an active person socially and physically until a year ago. My husband and I got to the point of any communication was only arguments. He was staying away from home more, no sexual advances towards me, which he says he knew I was in pain so he didn’t even ask. He started deleting part of his call log on his cell phone. I accidentally came across a porn site on his phone when I used his phone to look up another website. It came up when I opened Safari. I didn’t think much of it and never asked him about it. I have found it on there a couple more times since. He asked me to look on his cell phone account a couple months before Christmas to see if anyone had been making calls on one of his lines that he provides for employees because it had been stolen. As I looked I noticed calls to someone that he said he hadn’t talked to in months and again, I didn’t say anything. Christmas Day he accidentally washed his phone so he asked me to look on his account and I did and saw that he had been talking to this woman but in the past he would get defensive about it. In January of this year I confronted him about watching porn and after he denied it I told him that it was that or he has been seeing someone so he admitting to watching the porn and admitted to talking to her when he should have been here for me instead. We talked and he promised to never watch it again. I have found it twice on the DVR history since then, he says he done that to see if I was trying to catch him doing something wrong. He deletes all his internet history on his phone now. A month after learning this I just looked at his cell account more closely and noticed a pattern on certain days. I just felt like something wasn’t right. I discovered he has been having an affair and it had been going on way before I was injured and going through the depression. He will not to admit to that and told me to drop that subject or we would divorce. He basically gave me an ultimatum. We talked and he admits that we have drifted apart and we agreed to work on our marriage. We have been married 19 years last month. It’s hard to throw that away! I am trying to get use to sex again because we had sex maybe 4 times last year. I know how he likes sex and how often he liked it so that was a red flag to me. In the past, I could make eye contact with him during sex and while making love with no problem. The 2nd or 3rd time we were having sex, after we had the long talk, I looked into his eyes & he asked me to not look at his face. It shocked me because he has never said that. It hurt me a little bit because my self esteem was already the lowest it has ever been. During the next 2 weeks after that we had more sex than we did in the last 2 years combined. However, he did have a problem with keeping it up during sex a couple of times during that time and he was asking me to do things that I never had to do in the past to help him keep it up. He was on medicine for a cold and he blamed it on the medicine and I know that some medicines can cause erectile dysfunction in some men. He has been showing me more attention and even touches me more than he has in 2 years. The eye contact is bothering me a little bit though. The other night during sex I looked at him again and he said don’t look at my face and actually turned my head to the side and swept my hair over the side of my face like he was trying to cover my face. I have so many mixed emotions that I can’t keep up seems like. I know that my world was already tilted from everything that happened last year and then finding out all of this the first 2 months of this year it feels like my world has shattered around me. I am trying to take this day by day and I know that it will not get better over night but I notice the little things that have never been an issue before so it bothers me. Just any input or advise will help. I have been support and it has helped tremendously! I just feel like I am still in the whirl wind of emotions. I know that some of the signs of watching porn and cheating are the same and I am trying to work out both here. It’s hard to tell one from the other at times. It has been 3 months since he admitted to watching porn sometimes and a month and a half since I discovered that he has cheated on me. Why is he still not wanting me to look him in the eye? Is this a sign that he is still doing either or both?
Hey Heather. I am so, so sorry for all the traumatic things that you’ve been through this last year. And then to have this difficulty in your marriage relationship on top of that–wow.
I hope you’ve been able to find a therapist to help you process through everything? If not, that’s the first step I’d recommend: personal support for you. There are directories at the American Association of Christian Counselors, and also at Psychology Today, where you can read a bit about individual counselors, and find someone who looks like a good fit for you.
The eye-contact issue is a troubling sign to me. I don’t know what’s going on with him, but not wanting eye contact is problematic. While of course we do want behavioral trust to be restored in the relationship (where he’s being open and honest so you can trust he’s not still having an affair) even more critical is building emotional trust (where he cares about your emotions and is able to attend to you, not just use you for sex). I wrote an article about that a while back, which you can find here.
I would say, be wise and observant. It’s good to try to work on the marriage, but you can’t restore it by yourself. He has to work on his own issues, PLUS he has to figure out how to engage in the marriage.
So, find a therapist, process your emotions, have healthy boundaries, and continue to let yourself see what’s going on as time goes by.
Peace to you! Kay
a bunch of horrible stories here, horrible men… or, are they normal men caught in a horrible situation? if a majority of men do something, is it really abnormal? in the first place, we admit sexual desire is theoretically not evil (though we are trained to be disgusted by it anyway) but, hey, keep some VERY strict boundaries on it, woman-made boundaries, which seem best for the family, woman, man, everyone, but which are a challenge for men. then this horrid new invention of free, virtual sex comes around and men in government legalize it, and the boundaries go out the window, and… oh, no, sexual desire is really not that good to us anymore, because we see it in its full, grotesque, male form, an insatiable hunger, and it does not match what we have always seen or believed in our largely woman-controlled sexual culture. yet this is men’s natural psychology in action, perverted not by their desire for perversion, but by the sick technology and its merchants. our men have enough problems, but porn addiction does not mean they are broken. they are made to respond like this, and will always be like this if the same situation arises. men can fight and manage this IF they can really open their eyes to the many hurts coming from the problem. if not, if they’re just always on the defensive, toss them, they’re incurably selfish or brain-dead. but even if they want to change, they need infinitely more support and understanding and less judgment and revulsion than many of them can ever hope to get, from our formerly anti-sex culture that has now turned schizophrenic, anti- and pro-, missing the sober middle, and gone to war on itself. there is only one solution: limiting the contagion of porn, and one individual prerequisite to the solution: getting the user to understand the need to limit it. if he’s not on board with that, it’s going to be a short, miserable dance. Kay Bruner knows more than I and has excellent advice here, thank her for helping. though I feel sure if we have been hurt by our husband’s porn, his choices are not our fault, but except where he has actually done something tangible to violate us or another person, needlessly much of our injury can be from our own shattered expectations, our impossible assumptions about ideal, non-existent men who are immune to porn, and those self-hurts are within our realm of control.
I love what you said here, that anyone who wants to change will “need infinitely more support and understanding and less judgment and revulsion.”
YES. Love is the only thing I have found that really motivates and sustains true change and healing–whether for the husband who’s addicted to porn, or the wife who’s been devastated.
None of us are ideal, perfect people, but all of us are completely valuable, loved, and precious human beings. There’s nothing more healing that agreeing with God about our belovedness, and living within that reality.
Peace to you! Kay
I have been married for almost 4 years. We have a 3 year old daughter. My husband is possessive with his phone and gets irritated when I need to use it. I needed it last weekend to pay bills. I entered the letter our bank starts with and discovered “Lana’s pussy” had been searched. I felt a warm rush come over me. I typed a different letter and found another name. It was almost every letter of the alphabet. My husband was sitting across from me and I just started quoting the things he has searched. He immediately became sweaty and was breathing hard. He lied several times to cover up. He eventually told the truth and confirmed that basically our entire marriage he had been looking at porn. I felt and still feel inadequate, dirty, filthy, and used. On Monday he called a counselor at church. We met with him that day. He explained that neither of us were living a life centered on God and that anything can happen when you aren’t doing God’s will. I keep trying to tell myself this is how we have been brought back to God but it doesn’t take the pain away. My husband said he felt dead inside every time he watched porn. I explained that he didn’t return to porn for at least 4 years for the dead feeling. We also rarely have sex. I initially left and went to my parents with our daughter. I came back home after about 3 nights but he sleeps on the couch at my request. I’ve battled on making him leave. I have no interest in saving our marriage but I know God would want that. I am trying hard and praying for God to heal my heart and soften my heart. I can’t help but think that my husband looks at every woman he sees and imagines sexually explicit behaviors with her. I’ve never felt less beautiful or inadequate in all my life. My husband swears it’s not me and that he made the decision. He swears he’s never seen anything in me but a beautiful mother and wife and that I’m the prettiest woman he has ever seen. How does he expect me to believe any of that after 4 years of deceit.
I was really glad to find the covenant eyes website. I don’t feel so alone and it seems there is hope.
Hey Stacy. I am so, so sorry for the pain of this discovery.
I would suggest that your husband needs to find a counselor who is accustomed to dealing with sexual addiction, like a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT).
It sounds like this pastor is NOT well-acquainted with sexual addiction or the recovery process.
It sounds like he’s saying it’s partly your fault that your husband looks at porn because you’re somehow both out of God’s will? NO. This is just plain wrong. You are not responsible for your hsuband’s choices.
I would suggest that, whatever your husband chooses, you find a counselor for YOU. Many, many women in your situation will meet the criteria for PTSD, and many will never get help, because all the energy goes into getting the husband into recovery. He does need to recover! BUT–you need help too. So whatever he does, YOU find a good counselor who is just for YOU. A support group for you would be great, too.
There is hope! And getting good, qualified help is part of that hope for both of you. Peace, Kay
Hello,
Please check out these workshops. One is for you Women in the Battle
http://newlife.com/women-in-the-battle-workshop
And this is for the men…
http://newlife.com/emb/first-steps/
God hates divorce, but porn is already a form of cheating so restoration and transparency is crucial if you are to survive in marriage. God is in the business of restoration, but only when the person is committed to change his ways. It may be hard but its possible. However, nothing will change unless the porn is addressed. Lust (porn) takes, while love gives.
This has become a very wearisome topic for me. I’ve been married to a man with a porn habit for 20 years. I knew it when I married him. How foolish I was. It’s had its evil hooks in him for over 40 years. I think he probably feels defeated, like he’ll never be free. Something happened today that allowed me to honestly tell him I don’t trust him and that we have a dishonest relationship. Not sure what God wants me to do now. I told him I’d like us to go back to a recovery program we attempted last year and his reply was like I am making him miserable. I just want peace. I am a Christian, so use he but he’s enslaved. I’m sad but I’m also tired. I know I’m code pendant. I’m not sure if I can leave him though staying means things will be veg get better. We live each other but sometimes I want out. So bewildered. Thanks for listening. My self esteem had been so low though there’s been a little improvement recently. He told our car today she had beautiful blue eyes and it made me sad. I wished he would tell me that. Porn has almost ruined him but I know that God never gives up and with Him amazon gift change us possible. I just think he has to want it enough to pursue it and if he doesn’t or just feels too hopeless what goes that mean for me?
Hey Steph. I am so, so sorry for all the years of pain. I’d suggest that you find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and decide on healthy boundaries for yourself. A support group can be good in addition. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU choose to be healthy. YOU find support and healing. Peace, Kay
Hello,
Please check out these workshops. One is for you Women in the Battle
http://newlife.com/women-in-the-battle-workshop
And this is for the men…
http://newlife.com/emb/first-steps/
God hates divorce, but porn is already a form of cheating so restoration and transparency is crucial if you are to survive in marriage. God is in the business of restoration, but only when the person is committed to change his ways. It may be hard but its possible. However, nothing will change unless the porn is addressed. Lust (porn) takes, while love gives.
So many typos thanks to auto correct…. *He told our CATshes has beautiful blue eyes
My husband he watches porn and jerks off in bathroom or when I am home or it don’t matter where he doesn’t touch me or he just lays there while we have sex he has me I don’t understand I love sex I’m in my 40s
Unfortunately, this is a pretty common story. I hate it! And I’m sorry it’s happening to you. I’d say you need to think about what healthy boundaries will look like for you. Here and here are a couple of articles. A counselor could also be a good resource for you, as well as a support group. Your husband will need to take responsibility for himself and his recovery. Whatever he chooses, YOU choose to be healthy for you. Peace, Kay
Its not a comment actually I am facing the same problem and I feel I am inadequate and have no idea how to resolve this situatio .. I love my husband married only a year and half and during this he cheated on me wth a girl hving video sex and then he is using porn instead of coming to me I am really hurt and have no idea what to do how to solve this .. I am always having doubts bout him I check him I am not in my clear mind . I was prgannat and he was cheating on me with another girl then I confronted and he said sorry and then I lost my baby and he is acting too sexual jot towards me but towards porn . Even in a week if he ha sex with me once he is released only by hand and not in the place or with me but only hand and he is not bothered as well and most of the time he cannot even get released so he stops with me and go in other room and get released .. he ask me whatever I do for him but he is not satisfied some times he says that I am tired others he say u cannot release myself so what should I do I know he is watching porn everyday and doing it like releasing everyday and I am lying next to him waiting for him to come to me but he won’t I initiate he refuses .. what should I do where should I go .. I cannot even think straight I am inadequate for him this is killing me please suggest what should I do . Should I talk to him that whats the reason or just let it be because I think it will get worst then better please replu
Hi Ana. I am so, so sorry for all the pain you’ve been through in your marriage.
It’s important to understand that extensive porn use with masturbation will produce erectile dysfunction (ED). That is not your fault. That is just what happens when men use porn and masturbation too much. He might want to read Your Brain on Porn, which helps men understand what they’re doing.
The problem is not that you are inadequate in some way. The problem is, he is making choices that are messing up his body. If he wants his body to work correctly again, sexually, then he has to make changes. These are his responsibility, his choices to make.
What you can do is to be healthy yourself, no matter what he chooses. Here and here are a couple of articles about boundaries for you to read. You might also like our free download Hope After Porn. A support group could be a great help as well. And I always recommend counseling so that wives can process their emotions and make healthy choices with good support.
Peace, Kay
Hello,
Please understand it’s not you. Porn is an addiction and as such you have to repeat to yourself it’s not your fault. Cheating breaks us to the core-I know! Thats why boundaries are so important. Please read book Boundaries (has a pencil on the cover).
Please check out these workshops. One is for you Women in the Battle
http://newlife.com/women-in-the-battle-workshop
And this is for the men…
http://newlife.com/emb/first-steps/
God hates divorce, but porn is already a form of cheating so restoration and transparency is crucial if you are to survive in marriage. God is in the business of restoration, but only when the person is committed to change his ways. It may be hard but its possible. However, nothing will change unless the porn is addressed. Lust (porn) takes, while love gives.
True. Porn is something serious that both men and women get addicted easily. When people get addicted to porn or the internet they show a lot of emotional changes. I had the similar experience and my husband had to recover from the addiction. Since he is a freelance designer he used to spend most of the time with the internet. Then I came to know that it can be cured only by the love and care. Even we consulted a sex addiction therapist from Edgewood Health Network in Toronto as an outpatient. Now he has recovered almost completely.
I don’t know what to do or where to go! I have been faithful for 19 years.my husband on the other hand likes to look at porn. Our love life is nothing anymore. Once or twice a month and that does not go well. When everything is over I feel horrible and he usually ends up in the bathroom for hours and I mean hours. I have explained how it makes me feel but I dont seem to get anything but hatred. I’m selfish if I bring up what bothers me, it usually turns into a pitty party for him. I already have no friends or family just him and our 3 kids. Sometimes I dream of what it would be like to be free. I feel bad for that but need to feel something more. I have stayed threw abuse and a drinking problem and figured one day all will get better but it doesn’t abuse stopped for the most part and the drinking stopped for 6 years but has returned. He literally has not purchased a gift for me in so long that I can’t remember. He says if I pick something out and he basically runs a debit card with family money on it, it is like a present from him. I have never stopped loving him but fear he is no longer in love with me.
Hi Kay. I am so, so sorry for the pain you’ve suffered in your marriage. Thank you for honoring us with your story here.
By this time, I know you know that you can’t make your husband change. If he wants to be in recovery, that is a choice he will have to make for himself.
However, YOU can make healthy choices for you. You can think about boundaries. Here and here are a couple of articles. Also our free download Hope After Porn talks about different boundary choices. I’m sure you must have considered what separation would look like, and here’s what Luke Gilkerson found when he set out to study the question.
The main thing I’d recommend is that you find support for yourself. Being isolated just makes everything worse. Find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and make good choices. A group would also be a good source of support.
Many, many women in the situation you’re describing will meet the criteria for PTSD. Please get help for yourself. No matter what he chooses, you choose good health for you.
Peace, Kay
I have a question. My husband used to watch porn all his life (he’s 49 now) up until 5 years ago. I don’t think he watches it anymore, but I don’t know for certain. Anyways, he has ALWAYS had difficulty expressing emotion, showing affection to anyone (as in our kids) but me, and now we have recently discovered that our 13 year old son has been watching it. I’m scrambling to get my son help. He meets with our pastor, and our neighbor, who is a youth minister. My husband however seems indifferent to the whole matter and has taken no steps to help our son. It’s been me who has gotten filters on the internet, me who has set up requests for help and me who has had talks with my son. My husband is just not in it. It’s like he doesn’t care. I have suffered from severe depression before and he has literally ignored my pain. Is this a result of previous porn addiction. Can just stopping it change the effect porn has on the brain or is there some other steps? I’m his only relationship. He has no friends, and no desire for them.
***important note*** we used to watch it together before we became Christians. I don’t pry on his devices because I know how much God has changed me, so I trusted that he changed too. But his apathy concerning our son is disconcerting, to say the least, and now my antennaes are up.
Hi Mimi – although there’s no evidence he’s slipped, there are some “orange flags.” If he had a decades long addiction, the chances of him being able to stay clear, while in complete relational isolation from friends and accountability are very minimal. I’m speaking from personal experience. For me, now that I’ve come through an addiction and am now living in freedom, I have 3 sons. I am passionate about shielding them from my past baggage. In other words, your husband’s reaction is puzzling to me. I would expect the opposite. Your husband has an immense opportunity to speak honestly with your son, and relate to the issue, and then help him break free with prayer and confession. He cannot miss this window. His influence to help your son defeat this issue will be more powerful than just about anyone else your son might talk to. I’m being blunt, but your husband must engage. For the sake of your son.
Regarding your husband’s recovery, just stopping isn’t enough. That’s great, but there’s something deep-seeded, some wound or desire that led him to addiction in the first place. That’s still there. It doesn’t sound like he’s living in freedom. Accountability can help deal with the heart issues. We have a great resource for finding Biblical accountability, but he has to want it.
https://www.covenanteyes.com/accountability-partner-ebook/
Chris
Covenant Eyes
Hello,
I would suggest this workshop for your son. They have a teen one, but you can call them at the link and ask about it. The earlier the better.
And this is for the men…
http://newlife.com/emb/first-steps/
This confuses me…so hopefully someone can help. My husband (in recovery now) searched for much younger girl porn (NOT children)…some were actors (around our daughters age!). Is this any different from looking at any type of porn? Or is it all basically the same?
Also, while confessing, he stated that he felt like he “had a right to look at those pictures/people”, when I asked him ‘why’ he did it. Is this normal?
He made it seem like there was either some anger in why he looked at the porn, and/or like he ‘deserved’ to look at porn.
Thank you for your help.
Hi Tiffany. Part of the problem with porn is that it trains the brain to need MORE. More quantity, more risk, more boundary-pushing. It is very common these days for porn actors to either be very young or to look very young. I’m not saying it’s okay! Just that it’s common. I think the question of age is something his counselor should address with him.
As to the “I have a right”–well, that sounds like basic defense mechanism thinking. He knows he’s wrong, so he’s explained to himself why it’s okay, and he verbalizes those things to you. As he gets into recovery, he should be able to recognize those defense mechanisms as lies, and he should stop thinking and saying those kinds of things. If he’s doing 12 step recovery, that should come in step 3 “fearless moral inventory.”
He may continue to believe these things for a while, but you don’t have to! Here and here are some short animations that explain defense mechanisms and gaslighting, so you can recognize them when they happen.
I’m sure he does have many emotions tied to his porn use. Men, unfortunately, in our culture are trained to avoid their emotions (big boys don’t cry) and act out instead (boys will be boys). Porn is great for men, because it distracts from painful emotions, makes them feel good for a while, and demands nothing in return, until you end up with ED and a broken marriage.
Don’t get caught up in the lies. Make sure you have good support for YOU! Bloom for Women is a wonderful online resource. Peace to you, Kay
Kay, thank you! Thank you very very much!
I do have one last question…sorry for taking up so much of your time.
When I said ‘young actors’, I meant that he looked up regular tv/movie actors in the nude. Such as Selena Gomez or Brooke Hogan. These girls are my daughters age…and she watched their tv shows when she was little (when the actor was little). He also looked up much older tv/movie actors.
I guess I just want to make sure that is insignificant. Our tv/movie watching has been scarred to say the least! I can’t seem to watch anything except the news.
Thank you again!
I think that’s a question to explore with his counselor. The whole scope and context of his porn use will be a better barometer, because it is so common for men to view young-looking women these days. It’s just good to have that outside person who’s seen it all before, knows everything about this particular case, and can be objective. A Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) is a good choice.
I’m just not sure what to do. My husband has zero interest in me at all. I’ve talked about our sex life with him and how “taking care of himself” is really hurting our relationship, he claims he’s not using porn to do it. He doesn’t seem to want to change and not just in the bedroom area but in every area of our lives I am his last priority. I don’t want to end or marriage I still love him very much and we have two kids too. But I just don’t know what to do I’ve tried talking. I even tried flirting and trying to be sexy which gets him to laugh at least. I should also add that I do not turn him away EVER, if I did we’d never have sex. Do I just leave it the way it is and just try and be happy? I’ve tried asking other sites and get told that I’ve probably gotten to old, I’m 31, or to fat for him to find me attractive. So any other advice other than that would be appreciated.
Hi there. I’m sorry for the pain you’re experiencing in your marriage. And I’m so glad you had the good sense to realize that “too old” and “too fat” are lies.
Unfortunately, I think that there’s a big lie in our culture that sex is the foundation for marriage, when in fact emotional trust and intimacy in the foundation we really need. Men in our culture are trained to avoid their own emotions (big boys don’t cry) and act out instead (boys will be boys). Many men are therefore not equipped to be attuned to their own emotions, much less the emotions of their wives. Porn/masturbation is the perfect solution for emotion-avoidant men. It provides temporary relief from difficult emotions, it always feels good, and it never asks anything in return. Real emotional connection and intimacy, on the other hand, does require hard work. It also has a much greater reward than the temporary fix of a quick orgasm. (Also, real emotional intimacy won’t cause Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction!) BUT–men aren’t trained to understand any of that, and it requires some education.
I would say this: stop trying to make yourself sexy enough for him, and concentrate on the emotional intimacy of the marriage. One of the best resources for strong, successful marriages is the research of John Gottman. His book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, distills thousands of hours of research down into manageable pieces. I highly, highly recommend it. The book includes quizzes at the end of each chapter so you and your husband can read and discuss. And here, the Gottman Institute talks about how porn harms marriage. That’s a great article to share with your husband, as you ask him to participate in making the relationship more intimate and connected.
If your husband is not willing to participate in building up your marriage, I’d suggest that you find a counselor for yourself who can help you process your emotions and consider healthy boundaries.
Peace, Kay
My daughter is 20 years old and lives at home. What do we tell her?? My husband doesn’t want to say anything, he’s heart broken over it. But I know she has to be wondering what’s going on. I kicked him out for 3 weeks…and all he told her was that he “messed up”.
The biggest issue is that my husband was looking up ‘celebrities nude’ (so not porn celebrities…like Jennifer Lopez or Megan Fox). I can’t watch these ‘celebrities’ anymore…so my daughter is going to notice all these shows and movies that we aren’t watching anymore.
We don’t know what to say…what to tell her or how much to tell her.
Any help is appreciated!
I personally think it’s a good idea to be honest. I know that’s tough, but I really do think it’s the way to go. We had to make that decision in our family, and telling our kids was absolutely the best choice. They didn’t have to guess or make up stories or be worried about what they didn’t know: they knew. It was hard, for sure. But it was honest. And I think the truth matters, especially as our children are becoming adults and needing to know how to deal with life as grown ups. Honesty is the way. Even when it’s incredibly painful. Peace, Kay
Living with a sexually addicted partner is a miserable experience. There is the realization that they sold you a bill of goods, in not being honest about their predilections, but most have not been honest with themselves. This does not excuse anything, however. If sexual abuse survivors do not seek help, and many can’t because they are not fully aware yet, there are a whole range of trauma-related coping mechanisms brought along as a skill set. If they are sexual abuse victims, they are probably reacting to that experience, thus the Asian women that look submissive and childlike for some. The partners they are attracted to suggest how old they were or how old their abuser was. Some men for instance abused by older women choose partners without public hair to compensate and attempt sexual expression. Sexual arousal and gender identification patterns are hijacked and disrupted and warped in sexual abuse. Porn offers a way to objectify a woman or man as body parts, and remain safe by not really emotionally connecting. Since no woman or man, especially as they age, can come close to the makeup, costuming and brain stimulation of constant camera actors and filters, it’s easy to take this personally, as if it’s something wrong with you, when it’s the mental and spiritual sickness of your mate. You are with a damaged individual (undeveloped adult) who does not know how to give and take, and invest in really loving someone. They often are stunted emotionally, and are playing a role they are ill-prepared for. Trust is the basis and security in any relationship, and since any addiction is based in shame, the person involved has to hide it, and thus deceive their partner. This can’t feel good, or produce open honest relating patterns. Deleting computer history, using someone as a prop for your dirty secrets, creating divorce and broken families with financial and emotional support vacuums and wasting someone’s time and good life years are some of the realities of this sham of existence.
What many people don’t realize, is even though they want to narrowly label this person as a sex addict or porn addict, the evolving realm of behaviors and role plays and exploration are often much wider than what seems obvious when mistakenly revealed. For instance, an Exhibitionist may evolve into sexually abusing related or non-related children, voyeurism, rape, etc. A minimum of 25% of sexually abused males will become abusers themselves, if untreated. So, having had an unwelcome learning experience, watching the devastation of my own family and choosing to understand this area, my belief is this involves a true spiritual journey. I’m not talking about ‘accepting Jesus’, or anything religious, but of taking your life back, and allowing your Adult to guide and protect your harmed Child self. When we do not accept the definition of the Perpetrator, for those whose sexual addiction or malfocus began when they were used or molested, and we take over the Protection of our lives, allowing total awareness of the past, maintaining our personal and spiritual boundaries, there is hope.
What you said makes complete sense to me, thank you for sharing
It has been 13 months since I caught my husband with porn, we have done all of the suggested help. But I still feel gutted, I keep digging for more information on what else he has been looking at, which makes me worse, I look at my husband differently now. He has stopped, my husband has done all he can to show me he has stopped, but I cannot forgive or forget, it has been 15 years worth of hidden disgusting porn, I feel our life together has been a lie. My question is how long is long enough to call it quits?, as I cannot seem to move on and forget as my husband want’s me to do, along with everyone else?
Hey there. I wonder how much help you’ve gotten, just for you? Many times I find that all the energy and support goes into the husband’s recovery, with very little help for the wife. And many, many times women will meet the criteria for PTSD in situations like this. So even if the husband recovers well, the wife is left behind with a lot of baggage. I can’t answer your question about when to call it quits. I think every situation is individual and personal, and I think questions like that need to be dealt with carefully, and with great support. I’d suggest a counselor just for you, to help you process your emotions and create healthy boundaries. A trauma-focused group might help. And there’s a new online resource called Bloom that’s trauma-focused for women, and attachment-focused for marriage recovery. (The best approaches, in my opinion.) I think those resources might help you work through these really important questions. Peace, Kay
Hello, there. I’m a 43 year old women. I have been in a very unhealthy relationship for about 20 years now. I have been with a man who I feel has narsasistic personality disorder. We have two children together a fifteen year old boy and a 10 year old girl. Early in our relationship I knew he would look at my Victoria’s Secret magazines very often and do his business. I tried not to let it bother me. Through the years I have let a lot of his behaviors go, even though it has at times bothered me a great deal. Confronting him with any of his issues only makes him get physical by either throwing things at me, or pushing me. I should have never gotten involved with someone so unhealthy. There are a few more things about him I would like to add. He is incredibly lazy and feels as though he is owed something for continuing to work a job that he does not like, because he has kids and a house, but has no motivation or desire to go and get another one. For the most part I thought he was pretty loyal to me in the early years, when we moved in to our house about 14 years ago we had internet my kids were still very small then. We would keep the computer down in the spare bedroom. I would often find naked pictures of women and at times I would find a porno in the deleted trash. When I asked him about it he said he did not know about the porno’s popping up he said it was probably due to looking up naked pictures of women. This bothered me but I just thought that all guys have to do this, so I accepted it. Some years later we got rid of the internet, I’m not sure why, but just about two or three years ago we got it again after not having it for some years. My boyfriend was able to hookup the internet In the bedroom and move and disconnect the laptop through different rooms in the house, this was new because before it was stuck in the spare bedroom only. He would say that he needed the internet for work e-learning for his mandatory inservices. As time went on I would find him in the bedroom with the door closed asking that no one come in when I knocked. I knew at this point he was doing his business on the computer. Eventually he was starting to loose interest in me sexually. My daughter woke up one night to get a drink of water and said she saw dad at the dining room table watching people have sex and ran down stairs. Soon after this my daughter also told me that my son was staring to look up naked pictures. When I found out about this I called my cable company and had the internet disconnected. My boyfriend seemed bothered by this because he said it was not discussed with him first. I stated that I did not want my son having access to anything and everything and that is was not healthy that both children at one time or another had found there dad looking at porn. I stated I did not want my son to look at pornos, he would end up disrespecting women, and become a jerk about sex and women. This leads me to a few weeks later when the kids were out of town with their grandparents, my boyfriend came home from work and just decided that he wanted to be upset again about me not talking to him about turning off the internet. This night he ended nearly killing me physically. After all this I told him he was sick, and to kick the crap out of me because he did not have porn to come home to was horrible. At this point have formed a plan to leave and I’m moving toward it, I’m giving myself two more months and then kids and I will be gone. How do I help my son not become like his dad, I’m worried about him and fear when he is out on his own he will be looking up porn constantly like his dad did. I really worried about this. I don’t want my son to be like his father. When I had tried to tell his dad about the unhealthiness of it he was indifferent. My kids dad is very vocal about women he sees on the television and what he wants to do with them infront of the kids. The only reason know this is because my kids told me what he says when I’m not there. How do I help my kids at this point. I feel If I was to find another man, I would want it to BE A healthy relationship, but I have had no good roll models about what a good man is… and fear there all gone or already married and taken. I feel like I will eventually need to show my kids my daughter especially what a good healthy relationship is so she does not repeat the pattern I have. The only problem is,… is that I don’t know what one looks like, Help how do I fix us?
Hi Victoria. I’m so, so sorry for what you’re going through. My heart just breaks for you and your kids.
I’m glad you have a plan to leave, and I hope you have help and support at this time? The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you’re leaving.
You should be able to find help, support, and resources through a local women’s shelter. There are abuse hotlines open 24/7, as well. National hotlines should be able to help you access local services. You are NOT alone in this, and many loving people are waiting to help you through. Please access those services if you have not already.
I think in leaving this abusive relationship, you are giving your children the best example possible. I’m so, so proud of you for being able to do that.
I would suggest that you all enter therapy when you are able. You should be able to all find counseling services through your local women’s shelter, or through a local non-profit agency like a family advocacy center. You are all victims of crime, and you should be eligible for very affordable or free counseling services. Not only will your children have the opportunity to process their emotions and have support, but they’ll also see you modeling getting help and growing–which is all any of us can ever do!
None of us are perfect. We walk in the light that we have at the time. You’ve been in this situation, and now you have the light to move forward. That is a powerful, powerful thing for your children to see! Access the services that are available to you, and walk forward together. As you walk into the light, you’ll find more and more light. That’s how it works! Don’t worry about fixing everything all at once, just take the next right step.
I love these beautiful words of Spanish poet Antonio Machado:
“Traveler, there is no path.
The path is made by walking.
Traveller, the path is your tracks
And nothing more.
Traveller, there is no path
The path is made by walking.
By walking you make a path
And turning, you look back
At a way you will never tread again
Traveller, there is no road
Only wakes in the sea.”
Love and peace to you, with prayers for your safety and healing, Kay
Kay,
Thankyou so much, your response and attachments have helped alot!
Thankyou!
Belinda
I’m so glad!! Thanks for letting me know! Kay
Hello! Thanks for posting this. I feel like my husband has an unhealthy attachment to porn. He wakes up in the morning and watches it for about an hour before he goes to work. He has flexible hours and has told me in the past he’s going to start going to work earlier so he can get home earlier.. But he never does and when I ask him about it, he tells me he likes to catch up on the news before he goes to work. Once he gets home and we’re spending time together watching tv he’s constantly on his phone. If I glance over, I see that’s he’s watching porn. This morning I woke up because I felt the bed shaking. Sure enough he was masturbating and watching porn while I was sleeping right next to him. He doesn’t know that I know he’s watching it. I’ve had trouble bringing it up because I think he’ll get very defensive. Any suggestions on how to handle this?
Hi Jen. Well, I’d say it’s time for a real conversation with your husband about what you have observed.
Think about your boundaries ahead of time, and what you’d like to see instead of the current behavior. Here and here are a couple of articles you might want to read so you can think this through.
You might want to share this article from The Gottman Institute, the foremost experts in marriage in the world.
Your husband will probably need help changing his behavior, his thoughts, and his emotions. A CSAT therapist can be a big help to a guy in his situation. Groups like Pure Desire can also be helpful. He will have a lot of work to do.
Meanwhile, you’ll need help as well. Many women meet the clinical criteria for PTSD in situations like this. Find a counselor just for you who can help you process emotions and have healthy boundaries. You will also benefit from a good group. And you might want to join the online site Bloom, where women are supported through groups, classes, etc. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU choose to be healthy!
Peace to you, Kay
Of course reading this as a constantly rejected husband my hair stands on end and as an argumentative debater I want to take down a lot of the illogical statements like saying that porn usage is a symptom of a poor relationship, not a cause is simply putting blame upon the porn abstainer rather than the porn user, but after simmering, it simply boils down to this:
What do you expect, and where do you place the blame for the misery in the relationship when a husband has put in 10 years of pursuit of perfection and self improvement and being “christlike” unto his abuse and is finally going to turn left at that intersection of temptation he’s so many times turned right at? Its entirely him? If he can’t get over his “porn induced” desires to have sex with enough light to *see color?* and actually SEE his partner naked during sex? (no we’re not talking about threesomes or sex swings, or bondage, or the extreme porn desires so undeservedly asked for from common housewives by porn-consuming men, just some light).
Is anyone here capable of seeing beyond the porn decision to the root of the problem that somehow seems to still exist even if you rewind time to before a husband “strays” into pornography?
I know its just an anecdote, but *I* am not described by these wives who say “he could have had sex with me any time he wanted it”. *I* am the husband who did the “right thing” all the damn time, read self-help books on how to become more attractive, read more articles than you can shake a stick at about how to properly “woo” your wife, followed the advise of “continue to date your wife after marriage”, who completed the “love dare” (google it).
I and I alone am to blame for my decision to view porn. Absent that stupid decision, our marriage is still worthless to me, despite its perfection from every angle except the bedroom. Feeling unwanted and uncared for still sucks no matter how much fancy paint, trim and chrome you put on it.
I place the blame for the misery equally 50/50 on every couple, including my own marriage. My decision to dishonor our marriage is my own, hers is her own. They are equal. Hers preceding mine doesn’t change that or in any way indicate I’m trying to shift the blame to the first sin committed by her as any responsibility for my idiotic actions later on. I’d wager MANY marriages take this form, in which the condition of misery due to both partners’ equal 50/50 failing at their sex life exists before pornography ever enters into the equation.
I just caught my husband of 16 years masterbating to an online porn video. I forgot something at home and returned unexpectedly and he was on the floor next to my bed masterbating I was devistated. I left immediately and went to work. I text him and told him I didn’t want to see him that night and I would be looking at divorce papers. He said we can work this out I’ll stay away but don’t file the papers. I talked with someone and knew my kids would be devistated and knew that if I worked hard I could try to get through this. I asked him if we could talk and if he would be willing to be open with me about anything I wanted. We met and talked for hours he answered my questions but I just didn’t feel I was getting the whole story. I felt betrayed, humiliated, and ugly. Even so I was so turned on we ended up having the best 60 min sex ever. The next morning I felt so dirty. I mean how could I sleep with someone who has hurt me so bad. Today he forgot his phone and since he told me I had full access I went through it all. There has been at least a year (he told me only a few months) of him looking at these videos. I am really having a hard time now trying to rebuild this. He told me he is willing to stop looking at all of this, see a counselor, and do whatever he needed to do. He told me to quit looking at it and let’s just move forward. I just feel so betrayed I am really having a hard time and I feel so inadaquate around him. I don’t want to make a mistake and think oh now he will just go find someone to look at. I am just now going through my days like a fog trying to hold everything together for my kids.
Hi Jesica.
I’m sorry this is such a tough time for you.
I’m glad, though, that your husband sounds like he wants to work on his issues. I would suggest that he find a Certified Sex Addiction (CSAT) therapist.
Meanwhile, I think you need a counselor just for YOU, to help you process your emotions and build healthy boundaries. Make sure that you get help that is helpful to YOU! So many times I hear from women that their husbands have gotten all the support while the wife has gotten almost no help at all personally for the grief and trauma of such a discovery. Don’t be that story! Take care of YOU!
You might appreciate the website Bloom, which has private forums for women in marriage betrayal recovery, as well as classes you can take and other supportive resources.
Peace to you, Kay
I’ve been with my husband for 11 yrs. He’s had a porn addiction the whole time. I didn’t find out until I had our youngest daughter. One night she was crying and I woke up and he wasn’t there.. i went to get the baby and he was in the office on the computer. I didn’t say anything but the next day i went through the history of the computer and there it was…teen porn. I kept quiet n logged my findings. I finally got enough nerve to say something n he got very defensive and then it turned into a crying session. He swore I was enough n would quit. Well 2 yrs later about the time to get our oldest a cell phone. I looked at his phone thinking it would be good for her. I was in front of him looking at the apps and I found a teen porn site app. I nutted up and threatened to leave, so once again I gave him another chance. Still to this very day he continues to watch it. Now he just deletes everything to make sure i don’t know. We do have sex regularly, every other day. Im a very freaky person too. Im no barbie doll but im not fat either. He does show me love, and affection but he can’t stop. I don’t know what to do, he says if he goes to counseling they will arrest him. He’s more worried about that than my feelings. Im stuck, I stay at home and he works. I have nothing n he won’t let me work, I believe its because he is scared of me leaving. I don’t know what to do! How do I make it stop, how do I feel safe leaving my girls home, how do I trust, how do I leave… he’s made me dead inside. He knows this is tuff for me giving my oldest was molested by her biological father at 3 yrs old…. I’m truly scared something could happen if he can’t stop eventually looking won’t be enough eventually. Please any advice would be great!
Well, if your husband is trafficking in child pornography, then I’d say you have a very important decision to make. He says he would be arrested. Let me ask you this: does he need to be arrested? Is he putting children in danger? It sounds like you’re afraid to leave your kids with him, so maybe you already know the answers to these questions.
If he is endangering children, then you can go to your local police and tell them what you know. I know that would be horribly difficult and painful, but we are the parents. We are the adults. We can do hard things when those hard things are the right thing. And in the end, there are no “other people’s children.” Any child victimized by child pornography is our child.
It sounds to me like you are a strong, capable person. I know you can do the right thing for your children and for these other children as well.
Peace to you my friend. Kay
Also what in the world is going on with all these comments about your husbands or boyfriends beating you? I’m sorry but any “man” that lays an abusive hand on his wife or girlfriend clearly has very deep seated self esteem issues. Also, as bad and damaging as the porn industry is, it doesn’t make boys into disrespecting men. I grew up watching porn and I turned out to be quite a loving, caring, empath.
When a man who is addicted to porn watches his session or whatever, mass amounts of dopamine are flooding his brain. That amount would normally never enter the brain under normal circumstances with a woman but because you have full access to any fantasy at your fingertips with porn, the brain is given huge doses therefore when that man is with his wife or girlfriend his brain isn’t producing enough dopamine thus not giving him the satisfaction he requires…
You see? It’s a vicious circle… But it is not men who are at complete fault and I believe saying that is misinformation and only hurts the women who are trying to recover from their spouses behaviour.
Hi everyone,
I’ve been addicted to porn but in my recent relationship tried very hard to avoid it completely. I must it’s been unbelievably difficult at times. I must have been watching porn from an early age and it has hindered my ability to perform and engage with woman on many occasions. The biggest part about porn is the novelty, the endless amount of videos and images of every situation imaginable. It’s possible to be in a relationship with sex 2/3 times a day and I can still crave the novelty porn provides. Reading everyone’s comments has been useful as I have recently relapsed again and it has given me more motivation to stay on track. Being addicted to this novelty can be so damaging to a relationship as I know I love my girlfriend as I honestly felt so happy with her when I was off the porn but when I relapse it feels like the relationship is somehow preventing me from fulfilling fantasies I see on screen.
To those wondering why your husband is looking at weird porn it’s just the novelty once again, it really doesn’t matter what it is as long as it’s something new to watch. Watching so much porn you become desensitised to just regular sex so you search for more novelty until years later when you need the worst kind to get you off.
Hope this explains a few things from a male perspective.
Hi, Daniel – thank you for your honest sharing. This is a form of accountability right here – at least a step in that direction. I truly hope you’re able to find a trusted friend you can speak regularly and openly about your struggles. For me, I couldn’t handle the fight alone. Eventually, I always lost. A cord of 3 strands is not easily broken! (Bible – me, God, trusted friend).
Peace, Chris
Covenant Eyes
HI everyone
I think that porn is separate from the relationship altogether, I think that it is something that is far to accessable and for the person who is the addict cannot see the harm.
I am 25 my partner is 33, we have been together for 8 years and have a 4 year old child,
from early on in our relationship I found him looking at porn, I was only 17-18 so I didn’t no the extent or how bad it was, he told me its not a big deal and every man looks at it, over the next couple of years I must of caught him on countless occasions, each time with an excuse of its own, it started eating away at my confidence and I then could understand why he would want me if that’s what he was looking at,
my partner does not have many of the symptoms listed above, he wants to have sex with me daily and i am not a prude by any means i enjoy it a lot myself, he tells me I’m gorgeous and that he loves me every day, he would rather spend his time with me and our daughter than go anywhere else which many woman would be made up with.
but things have taken a toll, I do not believe a word that comes out of his mouth, I think to myself if he can lie to me about something that he knows breaks my heart then what else does he lie about.
years ago he had a big 3d tele he used to watch it on that until I kept catching him and told him the tele was going, then all these internet phones came out and made everything even more accessable, he would watch it going the loo, in work, any time I was out the house.
I have lost many friends due to my own depression over this as I don’t like leaving the house because I no that’s what he is doing and the one best friend I did have that helped me deal with this died 2 years ago and i resent him because i missed out on time with her because i wouldn’t want to leave him alone, I just cannot look at my partner and like him., I love him with all my heart but the years of lying is just defeating us.
I do believe he wants to be together, we both want our little family, but I’m my opinion if you want something so much then you will do anything to make sure you keep this, we have had 2 serious break ups mainly over this and his temper but we get back together cos he says things will change and he says he will stop and never does. I have blocked porn from our wifi and his mobile company to see if he was serious and he doesn’t moan to fool me, but he always manages to look at it, I thought he really had stopped but turns out he was watching it on youtube, facebook, and then I found that out and then he found another way now by doing it on twitter. what is his problem.
we couldn’t even watch a film without him googling the girl in the film or program to see if he could see them naked.
it hurts a lot and causes murder, i cannot live with it but equally so i am terrified of leaving as he is all i have ever known, i feel sad if i leave because of my daughter but i have just come to know that everything he tells me is a lie. he says he lies because he doesn’t want to cause an argument, but ive told him time and time again lying will make things worse.
i have seen some terrible sights, like all the years of this has built up he says its not like it was but an alcoholic cant drink at weekends can they, i used to come back from work he would be watching it, when my daughter was a baby he would watch it on his phone while she was in the room, but on silent. he has sat on the couch in the same room as me and his mum before now and watched it on his phone, ive caught him on the toilet, caught him in the kitchen, in the garage, and ok this was going back some time but that’s only because he is on to me now and so he knows how to hide it and when he can get away with it.
if he was a perfect boyfriend i.e he didn’t shout at me, or moan and get annoyed at the littlest thing, or if he would do anything to help me out, then i could of possibly over looked this, but its just made me insecure, paranoid, depressed filled with hatred for all men.
i have no idea what to do, as i am worried i would regret leaving,
i drive he doesn’t, i take him everywhere he might need to go, i drive all our family everywhere and he has never so much helped me clean my car and says its my car i clean it. i do the majority of house work and i work 6 days a week, still manage to pick my daughter to and from school cook tea, and he still says I’m half a job, he works too but i do so much more and if i said that he would fall out with me. he can say what he wants and moan about anything at me but if i did then its another story.,
if i mention porn to him it goes off, he gets annoyed and defensive, he agrees he used to have a problem but doesn’t look at it anymore and if i dare question him its not worth it for me, he just gets annoyed and turns it around on me.
i cannot deal with this any longer, we have a bit of debt and until this is gone i cannot afford to move out on my own, please can someone give me some idea what to do, i am lost I’ve never made a decision on my own as I’ve been with him since i was 17. i am just at my witts end. do i let it go and allow him to do this, or move on and concentrate on myseslf, i just wish he could be who he is as he is fun and caring and effectionate, but without the porn and the temper and the one sided relationship. please any feedback would help me so much.
Hi there Holly.
I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re suffering in this relationship. I do think it is very, very common for men with serious porn habits to become extremely self-absorbed and entitled, just as you’ve described. It’s also very, very common for women in this kind of situation to meet the clinical criteria for PTSD.
I think you do need to concentrate on your own health and healing. If you’re going to make good decisions in a situation like this, those will best come from a place of quiet and peace within yourself. Find a therapist who can help you process your emotions and decide on healthy boundaries. Look for a group for support. Check into the online resource, Bloom, where there are forums, classes, and all kinds of support options for you.
I think at some level you do let him go and allow him to do this–only you take fantastic care of yourself as you do that, and make healthy decisions about what’s right for you.
Peace to you, Kay
Hi kay
I am also a victim of the same situation as above .Its my second marriage and I have a daughter from my first mariage. My AGE IS 45. My husband is 54 yeard old and a porn addict. Intially all went well with him but last 7 yreas I am not physically bonded with him but many a times I have caught him red handed watching porn. At times I cried and tried to understand what is it so unique that he does not find any interest in me and makes him watch porn .I feel so humiliated and insulted .And yes ,He has knee jark reactions when I catch him and become very defensive,start abusing & become extremely violent .Its so surprising,why these kind of men get into marriages while they know themselves that they have conditioned their mind with pornography long back .Hereby they actually show their wives a wrong path in life and the wife has no option apart from finding peace in other men.How to deal situation,what I could understand as of now,it is a disease rooted long back .Cannot be treated .Is it better to overlook and go ahead with life ? Please advise
I am so, so sorry.
If he becomes violent and abusive, you must consider your safety first and foremost. I would never, ever “overlook” abuse.
My advice in any situation of violence and abuse is to LEAVE AND FIND SAFETY.
There should be services in your community for victims of abuse: women’s shelters, counseling services, etc. Here is a directory for many types of shelters across the US, where you should find safety and helpful services.
Please stay safe, first and foremost.
Peace to you, Kay
I am in the same situation with the exception of the violence. I’m 48 and he is 59, 2nd marriage, married for 18 years. My youngest son jjust Mariried so we are empty nesters as of last week. We were excited and happy. Our anniversary was literally 2 days ago and we went to dinner, took pictures but he was still distant. I’m a happy and positive person so I chose to enjoy the beautiful day. Many wished us a happy anniversary on social media. Although his distance made me suspicious, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. And bam, I wasn’t looking for it but there it was, evidence in my face. So here’s the thing, I’m not buying this, “he can’t help it” junk. He can the same way I can. Was he damaged before me? You bet, but he wasn’t going to let me know it. I made this decision 2 years ago and that when he was caught again, then it’s over. Last night I reminded him of that decision and we are through. The funny thing is that I’m not angry, just disappointed. It could have been so great but I owe it to myself to do right by me. So here it goes…, I’ve never been alone since I married quickly after my first divorce and married my first husband at the age of 16. Don’t get me wrong, both ar decent men, yet neither understood that when I say enough, it’s enough. I will survive. So you are 3 years younger than me and I hope that in 3 years you don’t find yourself in my shoes when you could have moved on already. Perhaps everything will work out and you save your marriage. I tried and we both even went to counseling. He’s broken and I can’t fix him but I can have wisdom enough to change the things I can.
I dont know what to do i feel likeim being replaced by porn,my husband would ratger watch porn while im jerking him off then let me doing it on my own,and when i confront him he gets all mad and starts blaning me for causing him stress and saying its cuz hes fat and cuz im stressing him out…i reacently had a baby and ever since then he wants porn more then me and it hurts me but he doesnt care or get it….help me please cuz im about to just leave him cuz its like almist and everyday thing.
Hey there. I’m so, so sorry for the pain you’re going through. I think you’ve really got to consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you here. Is this the kind of relationship you want to be involved with? That’s the basic question. What do you want? What is healthy for you?
I think a counselor could be a great resource to you right now, as well as a support group. And you might want to check out the online resource, Bloom.
The sad thing is, there’s nothing we can do to control another person’s choices. The good news is, we are completely in charge of our own choices! Whatever he chooses, I hope you will choose health and wholeness for you.
Peace to you, Kay
Hi i am Santiago and i’m 18 years old, i never had GF neither sex, when i had like 14 years old i found a Porn DvD on a trought many DvD from my father friend, since then i started to watch porn.
At the start it wasn’t so frecuent mostly because i hadn’t a way to watch porn, but now i’m addicted, i try to say to myself that im not, that im just doing it because i don’t have GF, but i think it’s something deeper than just that, when i started reading this i thought “nah this can’t be happening to me” but i started to realize that this might be actually happening to me, in fact it’s happening to me, i’m addicted to porn, when i started watching porn you could say it was just normal porn, but with the time i just got bored of it and i started to want more, and more, i have watched stuff that i regret, and even illegal stuff.
When i wake up i masturbate, whenever i have chance and i’m bored i masturbate, before going to sleep i masturbate again. I waste so much time on it that it’s draining so much energy from me, some times i might be masturbating for two hours until i’m able to end, i might expend 4 – 5 hours a day, i want to stop, i have wasted too much time on it.
I have just deleted a folder with +50 videos, and i’ll try my best to stop it, i’ll look into how to block porn websites.
Saludos, Santiago – I’m so sorry that you’re struggling. You are in the middle of a tough battle, but it’s a battle that can be won (with a LOT of help). Here’s a blog post that I think you should read – let me know what you think: https://www.covenanteyes.com/2010/05/13/3-biblical-strategies-for-fighting-lust/
Peace, Chris
I have caught my husband numerous times and I let him know that one more and I’m done. It’s not a matter of his love for me, it’s a matter of his love for himself. There are consequences in life and I’m not paying his any longer. Last night was the last straw. It’s not even the porn so much as it is the distance, and his self absorption, the deception and me paying for his issues. He chose to take the risk and made a decision to once again put himself before our marriage and me. Addiction, whatever, it’s mind over matter. He doesn’t get sick or have physical withdraws if he chooses not to watch. I understand men are wired differently but so what, women are wired differently too but I can tell myself no. I can put others before myself. This time, I’m not however, I matter. My happiness and my resolve, my contentment and loyalty to me matters. I deserve better and if I never get better than I’d rather be lonely without someone than with. Standing firm in my decision because I matter.
I’ve been aware of my husband’s porn addiction for a long time. He has erectile dysfunction, medication induced. He was prescribed Cialis but didn’t like using it so I ended up not asking or expecting anything.
What hurts me is he said he couldn’t get an erection at all and no longer had any interest in sex. It transpires he lied to me, he can and he still does. He is a Narcissist and it seems to me that’s part of the issue. Lovemaking if it could be called that, was always about him anyway. There are major trust issues. He has lied about contact with other women but they were objects to him, to bolster his NPD. Time was when I might have put some energy into working through this, but my health has taken a major dip and I haven’t got the resources or reserves and he doesn’t have any drive to seeing anything from anyone’s viewpoint but his own. He did go for counselling and came back and bragged how he’d tricked the counsellor into believing everything was my fault and siding with him, classic NPD! I don’t expect any support from him and it’s not that surprising he is still lying. Now he wants me to ‘talk’ but that’s his code for he will make a pack of excuses to end up with him trying to provoke me. He’s furious because I’m not playing his game. He will just have to get used to it. I value me even if he doesn’t. His porn issue isn’t and never has been about me, it’s stuff he has refused to deal with.
Oh, I am so, so sorry. Having a spouse with NPD is devastating and exhausting. When you stop playing the game, that will not make him happy! The hard thing with personality disorders is that they never seem to get worn down in the game-playing. They’re kind of like the energizer bunny. So he may not actually get used to it. In my experience, the personality disorder simply displays itself in new behaviors, and I think you have to be prepared for that.
I hope you’ve got good support through a personal counselor who can help you process emotions, stick to healthy boundaries, and make good choices as time goes on.
Keep valuing you!
Peace, Kay
I need some real honest help. My husband is a porn addict. Has struggled in the past with substance abuse, now porn.
Here’s the biggest problem: he is a narcissist. He has no God. He is a god. So there will never be a 12 step program to help him be accountable to a higher being.
Is there another option? He has successfully broken me down to zero. I’m slow. Took me 18 years to realize his “love” has been a game of conquer, conquer, conquer. No children. Wow, yes, I spent 10 years trying to get pregnant only to discover he knew all
along I wouldn’t succeed.
I’m 47 years old. Scared of being a failure. So here I stand – in hell. No sex, no love, no valentine cards anymore.
I’m so embarrassed.
Hi Paris.
I’m so, so sorry.
So many things you wrote here make me so sad. I’m so sad that you feel unsuccessful, a failure, and embarrassed by your husband’s personality disorder. I totally understand that, because this is what happens when you’re with someone like this: they transfer all their inner pain and shame onto you. Narcissists love to find the nicest, most loving, most giving people to prey on.
I think your option is to no longer accept his pain and shame into yourself. Don’t accept his rules any longer. Stop playing his game. Stop being so nice.
Let him live with his own reality, while you get help and support for you.
Find a therapist who is well acquainted with personality disorders and helping the victims of abusive relationships.
Build healthy boundaries for yourself.
You matter. You count. You deserve to be treated with love, respect, and care. Live a life that reflects the value that God sees in you, as his image-bearer on this earth.
Peace to you, Kay
Lol men aren’t a creation of some divine “God”
This is where you are going wrong. God doesn’t exist.
& this here is further proof.
We are just an animal like every other, with animal needs & instinct.
Your husband is showing animosity because you are invading, rolling in with the bulldozer on what he sees as his personal domain that is none of your business.
Hi, Ryan, we definitely have needs and we have certain instincts, but can you explain why we are so different than animals? Even Richard Dawkins struggles to conclude on why the extreme, sometimes nonsensical altruism shown by humans far exceeds anything found in nature. It cannot be explained by “mutual benefit” or “kinship,” and instead, he labels it with a “selfish gene,” which falls far short of the self-sacrificing, “leave my family and give myself completely” to another tribe of people, etc. There’s nothing like that in nature. Because we might be similar, but man, we are different in that very specific way. How is that explained? Evolution alone is not enough. Another set of genes would have figured out that altruism is just a good way to be, and another species would have done that by now. At least that’s what I think. Thoughts?
Chris
Men are Beasts.
When you accept that reality you’ll get along much better with men.
I agree porn is vulgar, but the thing is, so is life & reality.
You religious have built your own fantasy that it somehow isn’t,
You are WRONG .
This world is full of harsh realities that people cannot accept.
Learn to accept them.
Look with your eyes.
The sin Lust is invented by religious.
We “Lust” because evolution developed our INSTiNCT to breed.
So you could say that, the only true purpose of life is a Sin itself to religious .
I’ll tell you right now from a Man’s perspective.
If i were your husband & you threatened to leave me over something as petty as me having a pull over porn.
It’ would instantly illustrate to me what the relationship is worth to you lol.
Hi, Ryan, there are some men who believe that the woman we are with is so precious, that she is worth our commitment. No one else. It’s about self-control and respect to treat her like the amazing, miraculous, creation/evolved being she is. When men/boys aren’t ready for that kind of commitment, then they’re probably not ready for a relationship. Just something to consider. Some important questions to think about: what kind of legacy do you want to leave for your future children? One that says, “hey, do whatever you want! Watch porn! Even though it might be based on violence, child sex trafficking, or abuse?” That’s just not something that feels right to me. Life is better when we keep our desires in check. It’s a sign of maturity, but some men just aren’t ready for that. I hope you are someday.
Peace, Chris
Can I join in?
Hi, Lynn – what would you like to join? Let me know.
Chris
Hi,
. I am 73 my husband is 75. We have been married 3 ½ years. When we were courting he was loving, and respectful, also respecting my rule of no sex before marriage. We used to sit on the couch to watch TV and he would put his arm around me and cuddle up. From the day we married he has never once sat on the couch with me. As time has gone on he has got less and less affectionate . We have never lived together and I now know he doesn’t ever intend to. He has to sell his house and is planning to get another place of his own. I cannot visit his house without an appointment. I turned up one day to surprise him and he was angry about it and still is to this day. He is now packing to move and his daughter and son and his son’s lady friend are all helping but I haven’t been invited. I feel so shut out. I know he is into porn, as I found out when I saw emails from porn sites, where he had bought credits. When I asked him about this he said all men do it, (I don’t believe that for a minute). He said if it upset me he wouldn’t do it again. He has about a hundred emails from porn sites, hook-up sites etc every day. He says they are Spam. (So many?). He told me women should realize that it is harmless and like toys are for little boys. (So porn is ‘toys for boys’). I found he had a profile on Ashley Madison (the adultery site). He denied it said someone had stolen his details for it. All the likes and sexual preferences were him to a ‘T’ though. He was angry and said I shouldn’t look at his emails though I had the password and sometimes he would ask me to print a voucher or something from one of them. He recently told me about a dream he had of having sex with a woman. All the details. He said she had dark hair, as I am a natural blonde I know it wasn’t me. He watched a drama with sex and nudes and when the camera zoomed in on a bare bottom he told me she had a lovely bottom. He has never watched me undress not even before sex. He always closes his eyes and won’t look. Now he says he has lots of fantasies of having sex with all different women, none of them me, when it disturbed me he got angry and said any doctor would tell me it was very healthy. He has now changed his email password and blocked me, and I am thinking he is up to something sexually, but can’t know. Which is driving me crazy. I know he tells lies and just gets angry if I say anything about sex and says I am mad and have a mental illness, it is all in my head. I am now ready to separate from the marriage. It is affecting my health. I am angry, also hurt and feel betrayed. He told me he has seen a lot of porn in his life, I have a strong feeling he has been doing this through our marriage but have no proof and sometimes feel like a nasty suspicious woman. Counselling here in the UK is very expensive so that is out. My son and daughter are supportive and think I should get away from the marriage. Both are Christian.
I don’t want to sin but can’t take much more of this loveless, sexless marriage. I have been widowed twice, both marriages very happy with very loving men.
Pauline, I am so, so sorry. And with this one, I have to side with your son and daughter. It sounds like this man had serious problems before you ever met him, those problems continue, and he refuses to deal with them. Telling the truth about a broken marriage, while extremely painful, is NOT a sin! Here’s Luke Gilkerson’s article about porn and divorce. I think you will find it very helpful and comforting as you take that step toward separation.
Peace to you,
Kay
Porn really does affect relationships, and I’ve been struggling for the past 7 months after discovering my partners addiction, and I found there to be minimal help or support available for partners of porn addicts, so I made a forum that is geared to the partners of porn addicts recovery. http://partnersofpas.boards.net
sadly, we are coming into over 30 yrs of marriage this year and we are active duty military family. my dh had an emotional affair when we were @10yrs and grieving a child loss. I tried to forgive him and we went forward. There were good and not good times. he is an omitter about many things and I kept trying to trust but his behavior was off many times. we would fight and love just as passionately and I would throw the past at him and then I would try to forgive and move forward, eventually we agreed to table the D word and settled into a routine. I don’t think either of us are truly happy, if we are honest. I do think we love each other, though. fast forward to 3 weeks ago and I find a porn site on his phone I borrowed in a store and of course I explode, I was abused as a child and porn was a big part of it. How could he do this, but this time he exploded all over me and shut me down. he ranted that I had never forgiven him and was holding onto every little thing among other things and I had to admit he might be right. he denied using that browser and I wanted and needed to believe him but my gut was churning. we tried a special date night a few weeks later and it was ok but we just don’t connect anymore and sex is pretty much non existent for a few years now. the desire is there but we have let poor health (I have dealt with chronic ute’s, vag infections and pelvic floor issues) and other things consume that desire. I know what the Bible says about denial but we talk about and it seems ok even though both of us wanted to. Mind you I am far from material but I was hoping for a little token but when he came hm for another many Valentines w/a diff excuse for no token, wanted to get you a flower but the store was sold out, I scolded of course they were sold out yesterday, then we went out as a family for dinner and then to 2 stores and not once did he try to pick me up anything, but we still had a tentative date postponed from numerous other times to get together/have sex/we don’t even refer to making love anymore, but he fell asleep while I showered and woke up long enough to give a raincheck, quick peck, cop a feel and I pushed him away. I felt rejected and disappointed, but let me say this I am later in life and intercourse is painful many times and if follow through I hurt for days or we just try for 5 mins and I have to stop. (I am looking into an alternative to hormones, while they helped, I didn’t like the chemicals–but I had been planning and prepping with moisturizer for a few days) I am also battling a uti that keeps trying to get me (used to have them regularly along with vag infections-but not since the sex had tapered) annoyed I came downstairs and decided to play solitaire on his iPad, I don’t know why but I looked at his browsing hx and to my disgust there was a porn sight bookmarked to his reading list, couldn’t see any other sites except acceptable ones. I wanted to crack him on the head with the iPad then I panicked and tried to get into his mac and pclaptop-I couldn’t figure the passwords. I prayed and tried to go bed and hoped it looked different in the morning, the kids were up late making a racket and I ran out to the kitchen yelling at them, coming back then slamming the door, startling him and screaming something about sorry to disturb his wet dream–I was furious. Note he has always been an early riser but has been getting up progressively earlier, he takes his phone into the bathroom, I can hear his phone blips and I’ve gotten up several times to see what he’s doing but he tells me he’s not on his phone and to go back to bed. That next morning he got up @ 2:30am and was out the door by 3am. I sent him a snarky text, yes I was mad, I refused to answer his texts or calls most of the day and was finally able to confront him that night. got a flat denial and I don’t do that answer. I tried to tell him these are people’s daughters and children of God and to think of his own daughter and would he want some person watching her like that. I was still furious-he told me it didn’t matter what he said, I had tried, judged and convicted him and he was right. he agreed to phone and internet accountability whatever I wanted but I could tell he was really upset. next morning he gets up even earlier and leaves (same bathroom routine and then out the door), he had duty that day. I slept and got up, got into the MacBook and everything looked ok, until I clicked on the last date, I was deluged with the nastiest addresses, ever–I continued to peruse different dates and they were fine/confusing maybe I was crazy and he could have been hacked-I should mention he had been on an overseas billet w/out us. then I click on another date and it seems fine until midway thru and then I wanted to vomit–local hookups and such. I took pics and sent them to him, decrying our years together and calling him a few choice words-God forgive me. He is baffled, cannot imagine how this happened. I’m being unreasonable. he must have gotten hacked…I get into his gmail and I’m finding all these sites, not visited daily but dating back to 2013, funny thing was all his devices hx’s were erased but he didn’t erase the caches. I am so glad in a sense and then I look at his timeline/gps and he is all over the place, taking hours to drive what should only be minutes and strange areas of apparent stops. dates don’t match with when he said he had duty and some of the stops are hours or even overnight- I want to believe they are just tower pings but then there’s my aching gut again. Forgot to mention I have found that he had IPVanish and some other engines. I can see an address timeline that match with the caches on the ipad but then the porn sites are missing and he had private browsing and do not track on his equipment. He has looked at Craigslist-claims they were for furniture and he has done that everywhere we were stationed and 3 months before he shipped out he was looking at Casual Encounters where he was going, all after viewing porn. In Dec he searched a local Craigslist Personal and they weren’t selling furniture. He was supposed to have duty but his gps shows him leaving the base and being gone for over 7 hrs. I stripped my ring off, it felt wrong to wear it-he stopped wearing his a while back due to work but always wore it on a necklace, he’s been leaving it behind more and more. I packed all his stuff and told him he needed to go and I need space. He is heartbroken, He says he did not do this, that I won’t listen and that I’m gonna breakup our family and turn his kids against him. the mass amount of apparent evidence says otherwise. Now the phone and text records have him talking to women I don’t know and making 1-2 min calls to numbers I can’t look up. I’m still looking at them-I went to prayer and prayed for him on Sat. The more you pray the less likely you are to hate, which I did tell him when I sent the first photos to him. He came and got his stuff, I refused to see or talk to him, the kids said he cried and he sent me a text telling me he loves me always and he believes God can fix this. He would read the Bible app before and after viewing the porn. I am so confused. I feel so many things right now. Angry, hurt, betrayed, humiliated, devalued. I changed the locks on the house. All I want is for him to own this but he is adamant he didn’t do this. Could that be true? What if I am crazy? I can’t stop thinking that he may have been hooking up for a while. I am going to my Dr tomorrow for a checkup. He has agreed to counseling, I think…God Help us, we need a miracle. I feel like I’m drowning and I’m in a nightmare I can’t wake up from. We have another teen who had some issues with click bait from a vacay and dabbled in porn for a few months and I think he is trying to blame it on that but in checking the dates don’t agree and there was no accessability for the hx dates. We are installing Covenant Eyes on all our devices starting today. I also am using OpenDNS and it is working. I still love him and am holding out that this is some sort of malicious attack but he has since turned off all his GPS and it is killing me to wonder where he is and who he is with. I pray but I feel nothing but alone and I cry a lot. It was hard for me to write this, let alone send it. I’m so ashamed and embarrassed. Also he only exhibits 6 of the 10 signs-could he be having a midlife crisis?
I am so sorry. I hope with some time apart to think, you’ll be able to understand what’s really going on here. It’s certainly difficult to believe that this could all be some kind of…mistake? Particularly when you have a relationship history that’s troubled, and you’re not emotionally or sexually connected as a couple, I would tend to trust the mountain of evidence you’ve uncovered here. “God can fix this?” Well… God never, ever overrides our free will. We always get to choose our behavior, and if your husband is serious about repairing the relationship, he can choose to do so. With God’s help, yes; but your husband has to do the work himself. There is no magic wand. Just a lot of work in recovery.
Meanwhile, I would suggest that you find a counselor for YOU, someone who can help you process your emotions in a healthy way, and help you decide on healthy boundaries. You could check into a recovery group for yourself. And you might appreciate the online support at Bloom for Women.
Whatever your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy.
Peace to you,
Kay
I feel so frustated and like giving up. We’ve been married ten yrs n my husband is a senior leader in the church. I complained of his lack of affection and even suspected he was cheating but there were no evidence. In 2013 he gave me one of his phones to use after mine got lost and i discovered he had been watching porn. When i asked about it he denied. I let go of course after some convincing lies. Recently i have been using the laptop to do a project and i hav made weird discoveries. In his search history it was full of porn sites he had visited. In his pictures saved in drive there was a picture of his erect penis, i recognized by the bedsheets. In the dustbin i saw two funny looking photos and decided to revive. I saw they were photos of his erect penis taken on webcam n shared on you tube. I asked him about them and he denied taking such photos. He says those are not his photos yet i could recognize his tshirt, pair of shorts and our sofa. His constant denial is driving me insane. Ironically, he is waiting to graduate with a masters degree in counselling psychology. I hav asked we seek professional help and he says he has no problem. He now says i suffer from paranoia. That i think i know all the answers, and that i think i am always right. I’ve cried for days on end. I don’t know what to do. He rarely has interest in me sexually and the naive woman i am thought it was just his type. He once joked about it n said he could as wel hav become a priest without struggle if he were a catholic. He hurts me more when he talks of me creating things that do not exist. I told him we pray about it he said he doesnt need any deliverance as he has no problem. I’m devastated. I don’t know who to tel and how to even say it. We are staunch born again christians and this is just too much. I have lost trust in him and cannot believe anything he says. I can’t imagine sex with him. It would feel dirty. I cant even pray.
I feel like leaving him. I am willing to walk with him if only he can put his pride aside n admit he has a problem.
Pls help, i am desperate
You are not paranoid. He is gaslighting you. Don’t go along with that kind of mental abuse. You’re absolutely wise not to trust him: he is not trustworthy. He’s not able to tell himself the truth, much less you or anyone else.
I think your idea of a separation is a really good one. I think when you’ve got a situation like this, where clearly he has very significant problems, and he’s unwilling to face them, a separation gives both of you time to consider what the way forward will be.
I would encourage you to find a counselor JUST FOR YOU, someone who can help you process your emotions and create healthy boundaries. A group for you would also be great, and you might also like the resources at Bloom for Women.
Your husband needs a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT). Marriage therapy will not help until he is well into recovery.
Trust yourself. Find support for yourself. No matter what your husband chooses, you can make healthy choices and walk in freedom.
Peace to you,
Kay
I’ve literally spent the past 4 hours reading every comment on this article .
I’m 43 and was married for the second time almost 2 years ago .
I knew my husband had not had sex with his previous wife for 5 years …he claimed it was because she had put on 65 pounds , which she really did . However , I didn’t know he had a porn addiction until before we were married .
We were having sex all the time and honestly because nothing was different and he was wonderful , caring , loving , supportive and having sex with me , I wasn’t very concerned.
Three years later …he’s still very loving , caring , supportive , affectionate BUT we have sex once a week now . I’m very fit , have had a breast augmentation, look about 30, have had face fillers , wear sexy clothes , make up etc …ITS NOT THE WOMENS fault !
I love my husband but I have to say , this is getting old quickly . I was single for 13 years before I started dating again and I’ll do it again .
It’s such an incredible waste when good marriages are ruined by a mans refusal to get help for their porn addiction .
I don’t let it ruin my self esteem or take me to dark places because at the end of the day I love me .
Ladies , when we get sick and tired of being sick and tired …we will finally leave .
My experience as a porn addict who has all but ruined my marriage is this:
It was not my wife’s fault in even the slightest. She is gorgeous, sexy, beautiful, etc, and has a strong sex drive.
But yet, I resorted to isolation and porn, and I denied her sexual intimacy, because I was always already “spent”, so to speak. Complete selfishness on my part.
It makes me sad when I hear men blame their wives for their porn addiction.
That is all for now
Thank you for being so honest. It’s refreshing to hear someone take responsibility for themselves, and frankly, that’s the only path to healing.
I’m not sure if this comment thread is still open… but I needed some advice.
My husband and I have always had a very loving relationship. We have been married for 6 years now. We are both Christians and over the years while dating and even while married we would talk about the negative effects of porn on a marriage etc.. I was always made to feel like he would never watch porn due to his being so openly vocal about it being bad etc.. for the most part he is a Godly man and has never in 6 years given me a reason to doubt or Mistrust him. We used to be intimate regularly when we first got married, but after the first year life happened and things slowed down understandably. By year 2 I started noticed a lack of interest in sex and every time I initiated I would get shot down with some excuse or another.. days would go by and occasionally he would give in.. by our 4th year I started getting frustrated with our once a month( if I was lucky) by the 5th year I started getting defeated. I had 2 miscarriages in our 5th year of marriage and it put a further strain on our marriage. I resolved to just stop initiating altogether and would just take what I got if I got anything at all. It just so happened we decided to start a family and I got pregnant pretty quick.
Sex now became even less of a priority for him. Fast forward to 7 months into my pregnancy.. I had been exhausted several days in a row and so I would take a nap every afternoon or sleep in some mornings. On one particular afternoon he tucked me into bed and told me get some rest while he was going to get some work done. I woke up a few hours later and walked in the other room only to see him quickly close out a screen. I was highly suspicious but I decided to wait and see if I could catch him in a day or two. I pretended to see nothing and we continued on with our day. Two days later, I hadn’t slept all night and took a mid morning nap because I was exhausted, when I woke I crept into the next room and again he got startled by my presence and he closed out the screen. I walked over to him and asked if he was hungry, and that I would fix us some lunch and he proceeded to talk about lunch plans while rubbing and kissing my pregnant belly. As we got up to head to the kitchen I leaned over him and grabbed his mouse to open his web browsers and he tensed up trying to get me away from the mouse. He finally grabbed my hand and turned me to face him and he admitted he had been watching porn.
I literally felt my entire world around me collapse. This man whom I loved so dearly had taken advantage of loyalty and trusting nature. I had never felt betrayal, disappointment, sadness and loneliness all at once like that before. He promised me he had only watched it two days. It wasn’t an addiction he swore. I left the house defeated not knowing what I was going to do, how could I ever believe another word of his. How could I trust him to be a strong leader for me and my unborn child when he had lied to my face and tried to hide it. After several hours of trying to collect my composure I sat down with him and asked him why. He claimed he has low testosterone and it affects his ability to get in the mood, so he tried to look at porn to see if it was going to do anything for him. I took his word at face value. But I’m not entirely sure I believe him. I have trust issues and it took me a really long time to break my walls down to let him in. I told him to fix his mistake he needed to get an accountability partner, we needed counseling, and he needed to see a dr for his low T issues and that we needed to communicate better about what we were going through so we didn’t have to go through this alone. I explained how demoralizing it was for me to always feel like I was throwing myself at him only to be rejected for the last several years and to always feel like he didn’t want to peruse me. I am 10 years younger than he is, physically attractive woman. I just felt so betrayed and hurt that it was easier for him to turn to porn than to communicate with me. It’s been 2 months since this all happened but he’s not made any changes or moves to rectify the problem. We just don’t talk about it anymore. I just don’t know what to do. It won’t be long before our little one is born and that just adds more excuses not to deal with the issues. I had spoken to him last month about following through on what we discussed and he agreed but still nothing. I’m just incredibly frustrated and feel like I have done all I can do on my end to forgive him but I need for him to take some initiative too.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I want to recommend this article in hopes of continual healing from what you have experienced. https://www.covenanteyes.com/2017/09/29/healing-from-betrayal-trauma/
When i married my husband of almost 3 years now, there were things from his past he didn’t tell me about, things that would have changed my mind about marrying him. He was however honest with me about struggling with lust of the flesh(we are both Christians) i assumed from what he said that meant being tempted to looking at other women. I told him that porn was a problem in my previous marriage, he assured me that porn was not an issue of his at all. I trusted that. I was helping him look something up on his phone, he is not smart phone savvy, as O was typing in what i needed to look for, some history popped up, that is porn related, i was shocked but didn’t say anything. Knowing his nature, I’m almost positive I won’t get an honest answer, I’m scared to even confront him about it.
When you’re ready, consider your boundaries. Here, here, and here are some articles to help get you started. A therapist for yourself would be helpful, and the online resources at Bloom for Women are excellent. No matter what he chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole. Peace, Kay
I have been reading most of the post and I don’t know what to think. It’s like reading my own story just in someone else’s life. I’ve been married for 20 plus years, and the first 2 years I caught him watching p***and then he said he wouldn’t do it again. I knew he was, but we had two small children life is busy, and I became ill…. But once better things return to normal and our sex life was fine I thought. But I caught him one night watching p***right after we had sex. This blew my mind! What was he doing? What was he thinking? It made me feel like nothing. I confronted him and his response was would you rather me go all over town? I had no idea that he would even contemplate it. For she apologized again said he would not do it anymore and I believed him… I loved him I still do and I know I knew then that he loved me. Fast forward 2 10 and 12 years ago and all the sudden he had ED… His testosterone levels were low so we took whatever means necessary 2 make things normal again. Once again he was not deprived, when you’ve been married as long as we had you experiment, you both try to spice things up and that didn’t bother me. But now I am 49 he is 46 and he has no interest in sex intimacy or even sometimes conversation with me. I know that he would rather take care of himself and his phone is locked, I have no way to get into it to see what he is doing. But about two weeks ago he had made comments that were very let’s just say he was in the mood… About an hour later he went into the bathroom and masturbated. Of course he didn’t think I would find out and he just started saying he was very tired which is what he says all the time, but he left evidence. It’s gross but there it was. I confronted him he lied I told him he could not lie out of this, it’s right here. I asked him why when he had insinuated sex. His answer, I just wanted to rub one out and I didn’t even think about you, I’m sorry. He does not realize what that one sentence has done. Yes I know he’s watching p***, and no it is not my fault! When you have an addiction to anything deep down you know it’s your problem and you have to fix it. I’m scared that he’s so far into this then I’m not going to be able to take you much longer. I don’t even feel seen or heard most of the time and I have for the last time I asked or initiated sex. And even if we do have sex he’s not present, I don’t know how to find out or how to actually get the proof in my hand because he’s just going to lie about it and after 23 years I’m terrified of this, of p***being the reason that this much of my life and this man that I love is no longer going to be in it…. And for any man out there that says if he felt loved and cherished and taking care of he wouldn’t be watching p***, you’re probably a narcissist…. No I take that back you are a narcissist… Any suggestions any help, any advice on how to find out what he is looking at?
And yes he does have to take something 2 have sex but not to masturbate. I’ve often wondered about that and even asked him his answer was I don’t know anyways very agitated. I’ve learned a lot by reading the article and then reading so many other people’s experiences and I’m glad that I did read it cuz now it shows me that I’m fine oh, he’s the one and yes I’m putting blame on him right now, nobody’s perfect I’m not perfect or marriage has not been perfect but when it comes to looking at p*** and ignoring your wife when she is standing there willing and ready and asking and yes it’s your fault. I am 46, but I’m not hard to look at not being conceited it’s just true. I am no Miss America, but I’m not a piece of nothing that is so unattractive that my own husband cannot even want to touch me..
I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re going through. I’m so glad you can see the truth of this situation.
I would say, you don’t need to see the evidence on his phone. You know what’s going on, and you know that he’s not willing at this point to do anything different.
The question then becomes: what do you want to do? What is okay with you, and what is not okay with you?
That’s a question about healthy boundaries. Here, here, and here are some articles that will help you think about those boundaries.
You might also want to find a therapist who can support you. And there are wonderful online resources at Bloom for Women.
Trust yourself, set your boundaries.
Peace,
Kay
Wow. I read the first 10 or so responses and to be honest. Its extremely one sided. Before everyone harps on me lets give a little insight. Ive been with my wife for 13 yrs. Married for 5. As we have aged questions have come up of fantasies and such. At first Ill admit I didnt want to talk to my wife about “fantasies”. Its a male thing. We like to hold things in or fear scrutiny. Admit it. If a man does not act how you Invision them then we are screwed. And not the fun marital way. In my situation my wife is an alcoholic. She was before we got married. I didn’t see the signs early enough but I vowed to be by her side. She has her ups and downs just like our sex life. But some nights we are on the same page then she chooses alcohol over our relationship. Then I turn to porn. Each couples situations are different, anyone who says that they are identical to anothers is leaving out honest information. Obviously if the relationship turns violent and or physical then get out and call the authorities. But if your not listening to your husband as much as he’s trying to listen to you…..then the blame is where you don’t want to admit. My main point is before anything gets drastic because you believe he has a porn addiction. Seek counseling. It helped my wife and I with our communication. You may be missing his cries for help…
God bless and have a good day
after 25 years of battling this with my husband..i am leaving…not divorcing but separating..I am damaged and traumatized by what I have seen. The lies, gaslighting and mockery are horrible…His anger has become unbearable…I stayed too long and have lost so much….heartbroken..
All the while he leads Mens Bible studies and plays on the worship team. His perfect image and reputation are more important. He lies to the counsellor and to the pastor saying he has dealt with it and it was just a small problem…that is a joke…5 hours a night is a big problem…I am done..
I’m checking this out this site as this morning I was faced again with my concern, my wishful thinking that his secret porn won’t be a problem going forward, or maybe it’s harmless… yet I’ve read, heard it is serious.
Should I stop now.. not marry this man with his secret, which I’ve happened upon, but he would deny or become livid if asked.
He was up earlier than usual this morning, and always has morning time alone it seems, either in the bathroom with tablet or on computer at table. Or phone with who knows who.
This morning I went downstairs, which don’t usually do at that hour, and he was at computer with shorts and tablet held oddly in lap. Wasn’t that happy to see me which would be other times — think I interrupted his ritual, he seemed uncomfortable. This has become a routine, him up hours prior to me, and more so past 3 weeks, and also we’ve not had sex for almost 3 weeks. He doesn’t express interest, I must initiate.
When he left suddenly to get dressed for work (He jumped up and almost bolted upstairs), I noticed computer hadn’t shut down. He was acting odd and I’ve known about his secret, so wondered if this explained his behavior and it did. He was transferring some female titled file to a hard drive (he has 3 attached to computer –definitely hiding alot), but the computer was on hold, he thought it had finished transfer ;(
He hides it = #1 concern = a secret = affects our relationship/me/him in many ways.
He has so many of the behaviors I’ve briefly seen scanning the comments-
Decrease in sex, secret time alone in the bathroom, always up before others at his computer/devices, has many downloads on his devices of porn (has accidentally left them open so how I know), otherwise devices always locked, on occasion forgets or doesn’t realize didn’t shut down, I walk by, appalled, hurt, feel deceived, feel like not enough — but I know this is him, he has a problem. I don’t want his problem, like other addictions they worsen — correct? Asking all of you that thought it wouldn’t interfere with your relationship…?
Who is this man that acts like he loves me, wants to be married, but why, why marry someone/me, I wonder? Does he think I’m ok with lack of sex, am I the fake GF or wife? On numerous occasions before knowing about the porn, have asked if he’s not attracted to me, etc..given his lack of sexual or even touching as we used to do. Gives some physical excuse or he has to sleep…
I talked with him about my own needs/wants and he said I need to make it happen, need to initiate, help him be interested. Not the person I met. But I didn’t know he was already involved in this type of stimulation, often with other women behind my back.
All the signs and more, now better understanding why he doesn’t have much money? How much to buy all these files, or is he stealing them? This is an addiction, not drugs or alcohol but he comes from family with those issues. Has managed to avoid those addictions, yet has others. I thought was a caring person many years ago when we met. Over the years, seems changed, becomes distant, had secret affairs he denies with Many women, seen the temper escalation, short fuse over ridiculous things, has been angry and violent in past, throws things, then calm for many months or even only a few outbursts in a year. Yet I know even that is not ok.
I am afraid to marry this person because of his secrets, denial, lies and dishonesty which I know about but he thinks is covering up so well. Then he acts great again and I think he’s over the secrets, porn, outbursts and then it’s back maybe for only a night or day. But the porn has never stopped, seems getting worse from his patterns.
Should I ask about it, or I’m thinking just run. He will deny, lie, get angry.. Porn is a secret, his secret, and it does feel like he’s cheating on me in yet another way. Knowing about this makes me not want to have sex with him — is he using me while visualizing one of his porn scenarios, is he actually With me? So hurtful, feels like such a Lie.
Maybe it keeps him from cheating again with a real person? Is that a justification they use?
But it doesn’t matter if real or virtual, I become not real, he’s not with only me intimately, and I can’t be all the many women and whatever it is he needs from fake vs real.
This isn’t my fault, or us having a pressured relationship. He’s controlling everything the way he wants it to be. The secret/lies are proof of that.
I didn’t know about his porn, or the women he was cheating on me with, when he said were exclusive — later found out because left devices open. Oh yes,.. more… he’s also been on dating sites while living together and just recently. When asked about it, he said was an old account — totally lie because the location showed up as current. Said I’m the only one, he’s not With anyone else, I was clear having internet relationships are With someone else, all he does is say what he thinks I want to hear.
Asking him for the truth is asking for a lie. I just really want the truth so I can SEE the Real him. That’s fair. He hides all of this, why, to keep me?
There’s so much more that I realized today writing this — for everyone to be aware of, maybe it’s not only Porn — More!
He saves conversations, pictures of women he’s been with, nude pics of them, has their names and phone numbers in his devices, says just friends — yet they are all single, and our long term relationship is a secret to them.
He knows women in so many states, have seen in messages says single and no sex for 2 years, all while living together during that time, have seen exchanged nude pictures, keeps Files on women from the past, likes and loves other women’s pictures on social media but not mine, hides our relationship.
Is he going to stop all of this when we are married next week or in a month?
Also, He has those 3D googles, which I believe watch/participate in Porn on that? He drops “easter eggs” sometimes saying someone told him can have virtual sex 3D on these things! So those googles have been out a lot more lately and at his computer today. ;(
As writing this, realize it isn’t only Porn for this man, or are all of these behaviors extensions of P addiction? His problem extends across so many areas and boundaries. All comes back to a person I can never feel Real with because he isn’t Real. He’s in a fantasy world, and I don’t know which is the real him, and it may seem so obvious and so easy to break it off from reading this, but remember it’s a well kept secret he hid from me the first 4 years, then found out little bits at a time once we lived together. And he acts so different outwardly/socially appropriate, says all the right things, states values, etc…EXCEPT in those irritable escalation times — then very nasty for a short time.
So sad because I do love the nice part of him, unfortunately he’s a package, and the other part is a secret, and I don’t know which part is the Real him or the majority .. So scary because it’s probably the part that isn’t good…
On getting married, which even this morning he talked about (why? I don’t get it) —
Think I’ve been fantasizing we’d talk, he would be honest, admit Any of this — then there would be hope, maybe I could get through it..beyond it, lalalala … but, if that were the case, if had a conscience, he would have already and wouldn’t be here, correct?
It weighs on me every time an inkling of it services, I am never 100% relaxed or confident in our relationship, feel as many times he is SO loving and would never do anything to hurt me, equally feel he could be 180 degrees in a second and walk away without a problem.
He loves his devices and always on one, but maybe the porn and social media attention is why. We are not We, we are him and his problem. And I am actually left alone with a partial person that isn’t really there for me, and has a connection problem.
I just read “R” situation from Jan 2019 — so much she said I have experienced and relate to.
I get how hard it is to make the break especially if married. I have the choice to get out, or in deeper (if I’m being real — is this anything that can get better?)
Kay — please give me your feedback. I feel that I need to run from this man, it’s so confusing because we have good times, are comfortable, it feels like he loves me and cares, says the right things… then I see the Proof, which I want to see, as R does also. Why is it so difficult?
I’m so sorry, Kelly. What a painful and difficult reality to be faced with. I think you’ve got to trust yourself. You know the truth of what’s going on here. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
Here’s what I’ve learned over the years of working with women in abusive relationships: if they abused you 100% of the time, of course you would leave. There has to be a period of good behavior to keep you engaged in the relationship.
Of course “nobody is perfect”, they’ll always say. We’re not asking for perfection, though. We’re asking for personal responsibility and a commitment to follow through on the vows you’d make in a marriage. We need partners who will, in good faith, work on their own issues. We need partners who care about how we feel, partners who will build emotional trust by turning toward us, rather than ignoring us or, worse yet, gaslighting us when their behaviors are discovered.
It’s hard to give up on the dream of what a person could be, what a relationship could be. But it’s way harder to deal with persistent addiction over years and years and years.
I would encourage you to find a therapist who can help support you through this with good boundaries (here, here, and here are some articles). You’ll probably also appreciate the online resources and support at Bloom for Women.
I think you know what the situation is here. Trust yourself.
Peace to you,
Kay
After reading several of these stories it made me realize that I am not alone. It is also very concerning to me because it seems as though most of these situations do not end well or do not become resolved at all. My husband and I have been together 5 years and married for three. I never withheld sex, I am loving, caring and attentive to his needs. I am the one with the high sex drive. He says he just doesn’t think about sex very much he’s always worried about work which I understand. He has a very demanding job. I have on more than one occasion checked the history on his phone and I noticed that he looks at porn fairly often, sometimes right after he leaves the house on his way to work. Occasionally looking at porn on his lunch break ( which he is in construction, so that means sitting in his truck in a McDonald’s parking lot or in some other random place ) which that does not make sense to me if he is not thinking about sex very often then why would he be looking at porn? I never made a big deal about it never even said anything to him. He would come home and complain about his phone being out of data, and I would laugh and think to myself ” that is your own problem and not mine to worry about ” one day he asked to use my phone to look up farm equipment for sale I didn’t think anything of it I let him use my phone and I went to take a shower. We continued with our day. Later on my curiosity got the best of me and I wondered what had he really been doing on my phone. I checked the history. Yep, porn. I was mad. I went and put a porn blocking app on my phone. No way was I going to let him look that stuff up on my phone. As time goes by, we rarely have sex. Only when he feels like it. And it isn’t even that great. Its like two minutes at the most and generally only he gets off. He thinks I can become aroused on a whim and then actually have an orgasm. Um, no. Fast forward to a few months ago. He drops his phone at work and it wouldn’t make calls anymore. He comes home complaining about it. I offer to let him use mine, and I’ll take his. I don’t make many calls anyway. After the fact, I realize now he can’t look up porn anymore. I sign into my google account on the “new” phone to check email. I realize both phones are signed in to my Google account. Google knows everything, and remembers everything. I realize that I can check my Google activity and see what both phones are doing at anytime throughout the day. I see that he looked up porn. I know it is not capable of showing anything because it is blocked. Of course he is not going to come home and tell me that he tried looking up porn and it wouldn’t work. So he started looking up YOGA on YouTube. Next best thing I guess?? How desperate must you be to look at girls in yoga workout clothes doing stretches but you tell me you hardly even think about sex. Hmm. I confronted him about our lack of a sex life, asking if he was mad at me, he says no and asks why..I told him because it had been over a month since we had sex so I thought I must have upset him in some way. He says he’s just worried about work and doesn’t think about sex that much. I’ve tried sending him naughty pics. He doesn’t really respond or say anything at all. I have to ask him if he liked the pics and he just says yes. I’ve tried lingerie. He looks at me the same way when I wear sweat pants. It blows my mind. He’s good to me otherwise. Not much of a romantic but then again he never was. I have gained a few lbs over the years and I literally mean like 10 lbs. He still acts like he did before I gained the weight. I’m not sure what to say or do. I’ve talked to friends of mine they say he’s probably just too lazy to have sex. Maybe that’s true. Yesterday he came home from work and says His phone mysteriously did a factory reset all by itself. I’m sure his history is full of porn, just from the last few days. I have not checked. I already know what I’ll find. I’m concerned about myself because this has done a number on my self esteem. I’m not ugly. I have never had a problem getting men to notice me. Even now. But I don’t care about them. I’d like my husbands attention I just don’t know how to get it. Should I be concerned or am I over reacting?
I have saw the history in my husband’s phone and pornhub is up there. I believe he has been watching it and yes, it bothers me. But he won’t admit to watching it. We still have sex and the sex is still as good as it always has been but I’m getting frustrated because he just won’t admit to watching it. The fact that he don’t even clear out the history, well did he want to get caught or does he just not care.
I dont really have people in my social circle that I can talk to, so my struggle continues. It would be nice if Covenant Eyes would help with a support group system for others to talk to through their program. I feel like your story, except that I cannot reach out in the way you can. Thank you for your post. It was the first one I have responded to.
-Steven
Hi Steven!
Thank you for reaching out! Although we do not offer our own support group tool, I do want to recommend a group that the author of this blog post (Noah) offers! Check out Beyond the Battle and consider joining an upcoming group!
Above all, be strong in prayer! Keep fighting against porn. I am praying that you will be able to find a group of supporters to walk alongside you.
Blessings,
Moriah
Awesome and 100% true insight. Thanks.
I also struggle with SSA and I want a breakthrough . ❤ Julian
Julian, Check out the website livehope.org. It is a part of Living Hope Ministries in Arlington, Tx. I have found it very helpful in my struggle. Also Celebrate Recovery is a great program. Go to Celebrate Recovery. org to find a group near you.
This was the BEST TESTIMONY I have ever read. It really makes me step as an ally. God is do good. Tell Noah I support him with prayer and wish him every good gift from God and if he wants he can text me anytime
This is a great story and I can surely relate. We do need accountability partners. I found my help at a local Celebrate Recovery group. This is a Christian based recovery program very much like AA, but Jesus Christ is the center of the program, and one and only “higher power”. I highly recommend this program for help. And of course Covenant Eyes is a wonderful asset, but we still need that one on one personal accountability.
Such a good article. Thank God my church has a Celebrate Recovery. I too, had a porn addiction. Mine lasted ten years, and I even struggled as a leader in CR. But I can honestly say I have been clean for two years now! God bless you Noah and your courage to direct other men into freedom! And I thank God for Covenant Eyes, without which I’d still be.in my addiction.
Thank you for your honesty. I am in a very strange position as I am an older missionary woman counseling a 30 yr. old Christian young man who was deep into porn for four years. Finally he came to me, because I am closer to him than anyone else, and confessed and asked me to be his accountability partner. God is moving us along to victory, but I am open to any counsel along this line. It is a new field for me, of course, but by God’s grace he is making exceptional progress. Still, I am very open to counsel on how best to move forward. And I see, through all, that he will need ongoing help, even after victory is achieved.
I gotta say that everything you said is what I’m struggling with now. Trying to find some good men in my church or other men that I know in other churches that can help me. I’ve told a few guys including my pastor but they’ve all fallen through to check up on how I was doing with my lust/porn problem. What you did to get 15 men to help you challenged me to do this as well. I Just need boldness to expose this sin again in my life. Especially as I am a leader in my church.
Yes, this is all very good.
As St. Josemaria said he prefers to talk about the positive side which is purity. And priests are available for spiritual direction. Which is awesome! And of course like you said friends, very important. And they can be a good source of help also and you can be a great source of help. God will be the one to help you in the long run. Trust in God and consult a priest for spiritual direction if you have not already. And they will not tell anyone you don’t want to hear about everything. A good friend can tell you what works for them but also cunsulting about it with a priest or someone you trust is GREAT for everything.
Joey, Try to find a Celebrate Recovery group in your area. This is a great place to find those accountability partners. Though this group, I have been able to gain freedom of an addiction of over 60 years! It is never too late and it is possible.
This is a beautiful article. I greatly appreciated this profound insight, “your soul’s longing for validation will also move on to other sources of satisfaction once you take the buffet of porn away.” This has certainly been a second step for me in the battle for purity. God Bless you Noah and your ministry. JMJ
Thank you Noah for responding to God’s call to be pure. Thank you also for not settling for mediocrity or status quo in your struggle with sexual sin. I am 3.5 years removed from acting out (counseling, Castimonia.org, Celebrate Recovery, and accountability to other men). Yet, I also know in my walk that I too have to continue to be transparent and watchful. God is faithful, He did not create us to live in shame or defeat.
Yes. Great story.
We destroy shame best through the grace of a group of “A Few Good Men”!!
Thanks
when you mentioned typing “Temptation” it got me…something I used to do..but didnt think others did too…Im encouraged to keep celebratig victories gracefully.
This article is well written, and gives us tools to face this monster of a problem.
My situation is tricky…one of my temptations (tattoos) is something I have dealing with for thirty plus years. I fell spiritually when I sinned against my first pastor. Because of this, the second church I went to had a worship leader who was going to get a tattoo that would tempt me. I tried to stop it, but the senior pastor got mad at me. I misquoted a Bible verse, for it should have been: 1 Corinthians 8 13: “Therefore, if food makes my brother stumble, I will never again eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble.” NKJV Recently, the son of my current senior pastor got at least two tattoos. Luckily I am keeping the tattoo temptations at bay since my second church. I do want to stop this, but I am in a tricky situation to say the least.
Well-written and very important article, thanks!