The Porn Circuit

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Science shows us why porn is highly addictive. Learn how our neurochemistry is easily hijacked by porn to create compulsive behaviors, and discover how the brain can be rewired to escape porn's allure.

47 thoughts on “The Great Masturbation Hoax: Is Not Masturbating Unhealthy for You?

    • You might want to read How to Manage Your D.I.C.K by Sean O’Reilly for a full accounting of the relationship between virtue and vice. Masturbation is most definitely a vice.

    • Ok. But what about men who dont have sex before marriage? So im supposed to never do it until im like 30 yo?
      Thats impossible

    • I did this horrifying act for 20 YEARS and have just as of recently found out all the destructive results it has upon your mind, psychological health and your body. For ANY so called ‘doctor’ or ‘expert’ to dare teach and explain that this sin, this great wrong is actually good for you- may the Lord God deal mercifully and justfully with that person or persons.
      Not only does this vile act cause prostate cancer and lower sperm count….look at what it does to the person: depression, guilt, schizophrenia, dullness of intellect and comprehension, feelings of worthlessness, highly unbalanced nerves and mood….these are just a FEW of the long destructive results.
      Many, including myself, had been told repeatedly time and time and time again how unhealthy this act is. For one, it is a great and offensive sin against God and your own body. Porn is also destructive, as it ruins relationships and the possibility of maintaining a truly happy and healthy one. Stop looking at how it makes you feel in the act. Consider- CONSIDER!!- WHAT THE LONG, POSSIBLY LASTING EFFECTS IT HAS ON YOUR MIND AND ATTITUDE AND INTELLECT.
      Like many, I ignored the warnings because I didnt see and fully comprehend the destructive results it has on my mind! Now, I have to take adderall xr because I have a bad focus and anxiety problem. I can’t focus or perceive things in the way that God created my brain to be able to.
      In the name of God and the sake of your mental and moral and physical health: STOP THIS AT ONCE!

    • So then how can we escape that prison since men are more compulsive to porn on the Internet,how can men fix that and be more compulsive for woman again?

    • Hi Jeff. Good article. I don’t do it anymore, I had an actual sex addiction but now I am faithful to purity. I feel I’d be betraying the mother of my child who has herself overcome that similar vice. I can put it out of my head and I can also say that ejaculation made me depressed after a wank, definitely did. I do have self control difficulties in other areas like food, mental discipline, YouTube.. I am somewhat curious if you know what the validity is on the term use it or lose it? Sometimes I get wet dreams in my sleep when I’m dreaming, I controlled the last one for once. I’m one who can’t fall asleep after ejaculation, strange anomaly. Discipline and introspection help, instant gratification is a way i avoid inner stuff. I have to know why. Sometimes a good woman can urge you on to be the better man, the authentic man, she can give the support you’d be doing it for her too, for both. Women are deep too like, but they reckon we have a feminine side inside like the unconscious, its not all about external stuff if its inside. I know that might sound weak but

    • Hy,
      I have a question to.I am a born again unmarried christian.I entered in christianity with my life of masturbation(Been doing IT from childhood – raised in a home with divorced parents).For a time i was to imature,and didin’t realise IT was distroying me.Since i became a christian i suceeded kicking porn,but remained with the masturbation.Then came the Day God spoke to me about IT.I took the decision to stop.And i stoped,for over 2 and a half years i didin’t masturbate at all.But the desire to do it is still there.Sometimes i found my hands on my penis in the morning when i wake up,i continue to massage until i feal is close to ejaculate and then i stop.IT is almost like masturbation,and after i fel a great shame and repent,but the desire comes Back almost in every morning.And i am sick of this type of living.How can I gain control even over this?And how can i become mature in this area?

  1. I am against all looking at pornography, and I am all in favor of people getting married (to one of the opposite sex and it is not incest). However if someone can not get married or is away from their spouse, and does not look at all at pornography, and does the masturbation in total privacy and does not tell anyone about it, this is SO MUCH better than fornicating. It is important to not let anyone know. Of course GOD Knows, but I believe that GOD does allow it in specific situations. I do not believe that GOD allows the watching of pornography and I believe that GOD does not allow the talking about doing masturbation. One must keep it secret from people. GOD Blessed us.

    • I don’t think anyone doubts sleeping around has for more dire consequences than occasionally masturbating. This article is more about the health effects of masturbation.

    • The thing about masturbation is that there are sexual fantasies involved, and that is lust, its wrong in the eyes of God, there will be no exception, even looking at a woman is lustful to the point of committing adultery, so its the same with sexual fantasies. God will never allow it in any situation for sinning, God detests sin, so do not spread falsehood about that.
      In the eyes of God, even the smallest sin is still sinning, so don’t make a differentiation between them as if fornicating is more serious sin than sexual fantasies. One must learn not to fall into temptation of even allowing sinful sexual thoughts from happening. Although it is likely fornication would generally lead to more serious consequences than masturbation.
      Talking about masturbation in the context of freeing oneself from sexual lust its good as it bring light to the sins one committed, it allows accountability with mature people that can be trusted with that information. This article is trying to deter people from thinking or using ‘health benefits’ as a mean to justify this channel of sexual release.

    • Don’t blame God just talk about advantage and disadvantages God never angry if it is good healthy to you…

  2. Great article — but I think a portion of a sentence got left out of the first paragraph of the C.S. Lewis quote. Right after the close-parentheses, something’s missing that would make the second half of the sentence make sense.

    • Thanks!

      I’ve double-checked the quote, and everything looks in order. If you’re referring to the part of the quote where Lewis says “and turns it back,” he’s talking about how the sexual appetite is turned back in on itself. I think the trouble is with the formatting of his sentence. It is, admittedly, from a private letter by Lewis to a friend, not something he meant to have published publicly.

  3. Very informative article, Luke – I learned a couple of things, thank you! But didn’t you leave out the part about how a sexually-active man needs physical release every 72 hours or so? And this can be achieved sans pornography as well as without the old ball-and-chain, you know. In fact, one needn’t resort to erotic thoughts whatsoever, right?

    Sometimes, it’s just too much trouble waking up GRUMPY (although I’ll admit she’s always game – she’s got THAT going for her!). And to tell the truth, Luke, a guy can get BORED after x years of even a happy matrimony (let alone an unhappy one – sigh..!). Yea or nay, brethren?

    In fact, I’ve long wanted to conduct a very informal survey among evangelical Christian (married) men regarding the conjugal status quo in the intimacy dept. You know, hombre to hombre, man. I’d like to ask all these apparently-contented bros an unblinking question: How sexually fulfilled are you, REALLY? Ha! Care to speculate, my friend? You see, sometimes I wonder what Bro. Beatitude sees in Sister Plain Jane, or Pastor Trumpetsound in his overweight wife. Do those guys really get excited about the missus, or are they just bravely soldiering on for the sake of giving good testimony of “All is well – glory be!”

    What do YOU think, Luke? Man to man, now, s’il vous plait, so shoot me straight with your opinion (as you would in a support-group session for dudes who are seriously unsmitten by the charms of the Mrs.). Much obliged. (But we might find we have a lot of frustrated, yearning, quietly-resigned-to-sexual-dullness men in the church behind the smiles and the handshakes and the Christian well-wishing.) Whatcha say to THAT, Luke??

    • I’ve also heard a man needs sexual release every 72 hours, but I was not able to find any medical studies to back up the claim. If you can, I would appreciate it.

      I do agree masturbation can be achieved without erotic thoughts. I have an article about that as well where I address some of moral and relational questions related to that issue.

      Of course monogamy can get boring, but so can many things in life. Don’t get me wrong: I think we ought to strive for sexual satisfaction in our marriages through some real honest communication. I think spouses should seek to give one another sexual pleasure. And yes, most Christians men are probably tempted with grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side thoughts—perhaps even many times in their married lives. I don’t think it is wise to suppress or deny this fact out of some sort of stiff-upper-lip stoicism. The Bible would never have us turn a blind eye to our discontent in the name of pretentious holiness.

      Since you asked, I’ll give you my honest opinion through a story. I’m friends with a man who’s wife fell ill many years ago. She has gone through seasons where she is practically debilitated. Her energy levels are tanked most of the time. Many times she can barely walk or even get out of bed. I watch as he faithfully serves her week after week and admire his commitment. Is he “getting any” at home from her? Not much. And what’s there certainly isn’t the stuff of erotic fantasy. Is he tempted to lust after other women. Sure he is. He is quite honest and open about how hard life has been for him on multiple levels.

      But what’s happened to him as the Spirit of God has worked through these circumstances is he has become a man of real virtue—not because he denies the fact that he has desires, but because he has sacrificed a specific desire for something more important, and in the end has found real joy. With all his heart he aims to honor the covenant he made with his wife, and as a result he has a love for his wife (erotic and otherwise) that transcends what I see in most marriages. Is this the life he bargained for? No. But he has let his marriage define his love, not his love define his marriage, and that has made all the difference.

      So, Xavier, if you’re asking Christian men who have “Plain Jane” or “overweight” wives, as you say, if they are really sexually fulfilled, I hope it isn’t because you are depreciating a man who “soldiers on” to honor his loving commitment. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a big difference between the guy who is “frustrated, yearning, quietly-resigned-to-sexual-dullness,” as you say, and a man who has found joy in life that transcended whether his wife looks like a supermodel. If the choice is between lust or nothing, that is a terrible choice indeed. But if the choice is between lust or real joy that comes through laying down your life for another, that is another matter altogether.

    • Hello there, Luke! My apologies for taking so long to thank you for your response to my comment, but I’ve been busy making a living and pondering what you told me. I’ve also read the article you referred me to, as well as others on your site.

      Anyway, here’s what percolated from my ruminations: Much respect for the brother with the sick wife for his Christ-like devotion to her! That man is a doer of the Word, not merely a hearer, and that has resulted in his “becom(ing) a man of real virtue”, in his finding “real joy”, and in his “love for his wife (erotic and otherwise)… transcend(ing that seen) in most marriages”. I’m really happy for the guy.

      But what I took away from all this is something applicable in my own life: as Christians, we are all engaged in a bitter struggle – daily – with our flesh (wont to betray us at every turn), with the world – so full of enticements and opportunities to sin, and with the Enemy of our very SOULS (Me, Us, in all our uniqueness and irreplaceability), who whispers sly blandishments one moment, ominous threats the next (whatever works).

      We chafe as we fall prey to or prevail against, from day to day, deadly spiritual poisons (continually kept burbling on a fire stoked by demons in charge of each) such as ANGER, LUST, PRIDE, FEAR, HATE and various others, as tailored to each individual. Now, these being fruits of the flesh, we are enjoined by Yahshua to put the flesh and its works to death… to die to SELF, in effect.

      So we clench our teeth, furrow our brows, and grimly set about to put our shoulders to the wheel, as we attempt to deal the wily, wicked, deep-rooted SELF its deathblow. And we see some progress, as Divine aid descends to assist us in the battle.

      But what happens? We then lose any precious ground gained, see our resolve eroded, our new found closeness to God compromised, when we allow ourselves to masturbate “just this once” (whether it be as “Type B” – or let alone as “Type C”). And it is that the SELF, wanting nothing better than to be coddled, indulged and pleasured, is reinvigorated after having so recently been left bruised and gasping for breath. Masturbation – self-pleasuring – as an acute expression of SELF-preoccupation, is the anti-thesis of SELFLESSNESS, and a most insidious weapon in the Enemy’s arsenal that is used, again and again and with devastating effect on many a campaign for a soul, to sabotage our best efforts of dying precisely to Self. So, how can we make any progress in our spiritual growth? Can we ever be free?

      With us, it’s: Take that, SELF! And that! And that! I hate you for coming between God and me. Say, how about some nice, cool water? Here you go. And let me fan you while you catch your breath… Would you like to rest a while? This sofa here in the living room of my soul is very comfortable… Blah, blah, blah..! What a thing, hey, Luke? You got me to thinking a lot.

      By the way, I did find a reference to the “72 hours” thing, but the main author of the book (Relationships for Life), one Richard Marks, PhD, frowns upon masturbation anyway, and prescribes regular sexual intercourse with one’s wife. (Bummer! Well, only if you have a harpy for a wife as some of us do. Ha, ha!)

      On a final note, Luke, I think you’re a great writer, and obviously very intelligent, but I partially agree with another commenter who feels that the website cuts women too much slack and hold men more accountable than they in the sexual dynamics of a relationship. It shows subtly in the language and tone you guys employ when addressing the issues at hand.

      You yourself sound more tolerant and “chivalrous” when considering female character flaws, and about their RESPONSIBILITIES vis-a-vis men in their lives. Come on, Luke: where’s the fire and brimstone preaching? Tell it like it is to those dames – uncompromisingly – like Paul did. But you might not want to come across as patriarchal, as anachronistically sexist. Fine. But please, Luke, beware the liberal tide of the times that infects unnoticed the mores bequeathed to us by our precursors in the faith. Nuff respect, all the same, Luke.

    • Thanks, Xavier. Your diatribe against the flesh was fun to read. Yes, the battle with the flesh feels about like that a lot of times. My prayer for the men and women is that we can learn to draw from God’s limitless resources when it comes to fighting this battle. I honestly believe, when you are in Christ you are fighting a different kind of war—still a war, no doubt, but a winning one.

      Thanks for checking into the 72-hour idea. I’ve heard it here or there but still have never found some kind of original source or study. Oh well.

      As a final note, I want to address your concern about the language we use to husbands or wives. Do we believe men and women both sin against each other? Yes. Do we think both men and women should treat one another with respect, love, and honor? Yes. I trust you see this in what we write.

      Let’s me tell the story of another marriage—one you might resonate with more than the sick wife story. I know a man whose wife had a severe disinterest in sex. She rejected most of his advances. It got to the point where a year or two would go between sexual encounters. He was depressed, lonely, and desperate for connection. He started using porn on a fairly frequent basis, and when he wife found out, this only further cemented the wedge between them. Does the woman need to be told she is defrauding her husband? Yes. Absolutely. Does the man need to be told he is sinning against his wife through the porn? Yes. Neither one’s sins should justify the sin of the other.

      If I was sitting down and counseling this couple, I would try my best to communicate these ideas to them, and as best we can, we try to communicate these sentiments in our writing. We have many articles here that stress the biblical importance for both men and women to pursue marital intimacy, to serve one another sexually. We also have plenty about not sinning against your spouse by looking at porn.

      If you detect an “edge” in our language on this blog, it is probably due to the fact that we are a blog about porn. That’s not us trying to be biased. It is us trying to stay close to a topic. Staying close to this topic, we want to shatter the myth that the man is somehow a victim of his biological drives and he should get a pass looking at porn because his wife is being odious, cruel, or unaffectionate, much less that she gained some weight or isn’t as physically fit as the sex athletes that star in porn films. The man married to the “harpy” (as you say) has no more license to lust than the single man who hasn’t had sex a day in his life.

      Should we speak with such strong words to women who are withholding sex? Someone should, but by the time most wives come to our blog, they are dealing not just with their own thoughts about sex, but the trauma of their husband’s pleasuring themselves to virtual prostitutes (i.e. porn). We write the way we do to women because we’d like to think we understand our audience. We tread softly because a lot of these women are experiencing an acute trauma that many counselors are likening to PTSD. If they ever get their mojo back, it won’t be because someone told them to just “do their marital duty.” No man wants that kind of sex anyway.

      I hope, for our sakes and our readers’ sakes, that our language to men who struggle with porn isn’t nearly as graceless or harsh as your comment makes it out to be. We’ve written volumes, not saying, “porn is bad, cut it out, you sickos,” but offering page after page of biblical and psychological advice about how to break free.

    • Eh, have I come across so accusatory? I beg your forgiveness then, Luke! No, man, I’m cool with the way you address guys, this being neither “graceless” nor “harsh”. And I dig what you say about the women who are dealing with porn-addicted husbands, and about you cleaving close to your own mission statement. (After all, you and your team have all the right in the world to adopt any focus and tone you deem fit in your blog, and gear it towards the audience of your choice.) I, of course, wish you much success in helping us all understand much better this blight on human society that is pornography, and in so doing, help equip us with the “biblical and psychological” resources to effectively combat it.

      Let me categorically state a couple things, though:

      1. NOTHING justifies the use of pornography, by either sex. It constitutes a diabolically-clever warping of human sexuality and identity that zeroes in with pinpoint precision on the most sensitive parts of our makeup. And I’m also well aware of porn’s sadly crucial role in not only helping to perpetuate human trafficking, but enabling and feeding off it as well.

      2. The Bible lays out pretty clearly the relational setup between husbands and wives, the emphasis being on selfless love and mutual submission. Nevertheless, there IS a hierarchy of authority (hear, hear) laid down, too, and those who jump onto the liberal bandwagon of feminist-inflected “equality” in marriage, will find themselves straying ever further, as society devolves into anomie, from the biblical ideal governing marital relations. Whatever the case, I realize I’ve been considering the issue too broadly, mentally factoring in the above as well as matters of female “attitude”, provocativeness (no fair!), female (gender-based) entitlement, etc.

      That said, the “withholding sex” bit can cut both ways, as you will see from the following real-life case (given your – most welcome – penchant for supporting your points with anecdotal illustrations):

      Strait-laced Christian girl marries sexually-experienced, worldly-at-heart guy (with a dash of flair, hey); wedding night (and subsequent months) ho-hum: wife unimaginative in bed, anorgasmic; guy kinda disappointed, increasingly bored with milquetoast sex (and secretly pining for one ex-girlfriend in particular, lovely and exotic); tempers flare, confrontations escalate drastically, and only kids’ arrival keep couple together; despite it all, sex and romance improve somewhat, both partners subscribing to Christian values; guy, however, accesses pornography occasionally for sorely-needed pizzazz and because he was always a sucker for it, anyhow; wife find out and goes ballistic, guy unapologetic; marital woes continue…

      Fast-forward some 12+ years… couple still together by some miracle but sleeping in separate bedrooms; sexual encounters few and far between, with guy gradually developing aversion to intimacy with wife; years, pregnancy and childbirth, gravity – all take toll on female anatomy, contributing to guy’s disinterest (occasional sallies into a certain “Fantasyland” not helping either); wife increasingly grumpy and difficult to get along with, so guy finds it easier to keep distance (ah, peace and quiet!); occasional pangs of conscience (and own urges) remind guy that wife has physical needs and a Biblical right to sexual satisfaction with husband, so okay… but he is also guilty of rebuffing wife’s advances on occasion.

      So, you see, Luke, there’s guys, too, who withhold sex from the missus, and it has nothing to do with getting back at her, just lack of interest in same-old, same-old. (Maybe there wasn’t much love to begin with but go figure…) Only the Lord knows what the solution is, but do me a favor? Push in your blog for REAL MANHOOD, as in the days of old, when men were men (I’m not talking about troglodytes, but about the indisputable head of the home) and call a spade a spade: Porn and masturbation are for LOSERS, for boy-men who would rather woo their predictable little selves than set out to conquer the strong modern woman who would much rather have a MAN in her life to obviate the need for being so strong herself…

      And having said all that (whew!), let me go see what I can do about Grumpy; no promises, now, but it’s been 12+ years of blah, so I don’t even know if this marriage is salvageable. Thanks for your patience, though, if you’ve read up to this point. And blessings, my friend.

    • Thanks for the story. I’ve heard similar ones from others in the past, and it breaks my heart to hear about such marriages.

      Clearly, in the story you’re telling here, there is conflagration of problems going on, some sexual and some non-sexual.

      And yes, I completely agree that men can withhold sex from their partner just as women can. I hope my previous example didn’t lead you to think I believed otherwise. (This is the problem with giving examples, isn’t it? It is easy to be mistaken for setting up some kind of “everyman story” or gross generalization.)

      As far as real manhood goes, I am as complementarian as they come when it comes to gender roles, so you won’t hear any protests from me about advocating for biblical masculinity. As my friend Matt Fradd often says, “A lot of guys are waking up to the reality that masturbating to images of girls who are only pretending to like you isn’t as cool as you think it is.” I agree with him.

      Your comments remind me of an interview I did with Dr. William Struthers and Eric Ludy a while back where this became the theme of their conversation: a vision of real biblical manhood that trumps the power of sin. It was really interesting to hear this from the perspective of both a neuroscientist who understand how God wired men’s brains and a Bible teacher who understands what the Scriptures have to say about God’s vision for masculinity.

    • Xavier,
      If I’m not mistaken, you seem to be having some issues in your marriage. I am sorry to be forward, I really just want to share some AMAZING books which may be of help to you.
      I would like to kindly reccomend 3 books to you: Theology of the Body for Beginners by Christopher West, Heavens Song by Christopher West, The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. Another book I have not read myself but have seen good reviews on is Holy Sex by Dr. Gregory Popcack and Good News about Sex and Marriage by Christopher West. Ok, that was more than 3 books! Sorry! But start with the first two if you can. Maybe read it with your wife? You can find them online if you google the titles and authors.

      Also, to anyone else reading this comment, these books have changed my life and really given me common-sense perspective and hope. It’s like, everything began to make sense, you know? All the brokenness in the male-female relationship. And these books are practical and truly helpful. Maybe the author has heard of them?
      Blessings,
      Michelle

    • As long as the two in the marriage are happy with each other, looks will take a backseat to emotional pleasure in each other. Surveys have found evangelical wives have the most satisfying sex lives of any group, and often the most frequent.
      Look it up, the stats are out there. My own experiences confirm that as well.

  4. IMO the mistake we make on this issue, other than decrying lust (which is clearly an issue), is spending more time trying to convince fellow believers that our particular viewpoint is right, when Scripture simply takes neither side. It shouldn’t take a rocket scientist to discern that this is a scruple. Arguments for or against when one’s mind is already made up about it, isn’t going to result in helping anyone.

  5. Did we just go back in time to a bygone era where masturbation is evil? Yes, yes we did. This article is nonsense. Here is the reality. Everyone fantasizes. Everyone masturbates. It isn’t evil. It is biology. Freaking biology. Christians go overboard with their craziness. If you are going to keep telling everyone that everything is evil, you are going to have people leaving religion in droves. Which by the way is what you see happening now.

    • I’d love to know which parts of the article you think are nonsense and why.

      Of course people fantasize and masturbate. Of course it taps into our biology. This article is trying to debunk certain medical claims about the benefits of masturbation.

  6. I like your story Luke about the guy taking care of his sick wife, but how many times do you hear about a woman taking care of a man? This is how it is working in the real world with marriages now. The guy gives up his whole being for a woman. The sex stops after marriage and more than likely she let’s go of herself. He constantly deals with drama, drama, drama. He is there to provide, provide, provide. If the marriage is horrible, he suffers, suffers, suffers, Then if he is brave enough to get a divorce, the woman takes everything in the divorce and the kids and he pays to “keep her in the lifestyle he is accustomed.”

    I am tired of holy rollers telling what the man is responsible for and totally forgetting what a woman is responsible for. Frankly, in today’s society, women are not responsible for anything. All a marriage is really is a man signing over his life to a woman. This is why marriages are crumbling and men are dropping out of society and not getting married. The idea of marriage is far better than the reality of marriage.

    Just look at your website. You never address the responsibilities of a woman. You cater to the broken hearted wife who thinks her husband got sucked into the evils of porn. Yet, that woman is not taking a personal inventory of herself and realistically looks at why he was looking at porn. Until you hold women accountable, none of this changes. None.

    • Your over-generalizations are very distracting to your main point, but I get where you are coming from.

      You don’t like it that men are always the “bad guys” in the court of public opinion. I get it. Really I do. But the answer isn’t to swing the pendulum the other way and use the way a man has been sinned against to justify him acting lewd, crude, lustful, bigoted, or aloof. The answer is to tell couples that both share the responsibility to love, honor, and serve each other.

      I know you think we turn a blind eye to women in this regard, but we don’t. We have dozens and dozens of articles, videos, and podcasts for women who struggle with porn (and thus sin against their husbands). We talk to wives about not letting their sex lives die simply because their husband’s struggle with lust. We coach wives about how to react and how to not react to a man’s sin against her. We have told countless stories on our blog about the struggle and responsibility women face to forgive when sinned against. We tell stories of women who pray for and honor their husbands despite the trouble they face in their marriages. We talk to women about the importance of not reducing their husbands’ sins to a matter of lacking self-control or a lack of love. We talk to women about the importance of not playing “porn police” or spying on their husbands as if they were kids. Our most recently re-released e-book deals extensively with boundaries wives need to place up in their marriages so they don’t assume undue responsibility or dish out punishments.

      Do I agree we need to hold wives accountable? Absolutely.

      Instead of letting bitterness take hold because we live in a society where there are double standards (for both men and women, mind you), we should strive to aim for the health of our own closest relationships.

    • Not true at all. I only once denied my husband sex in the almost 3 years we have been married. And only because i was half asleep at 6am. I even felt bad afterwards. Now i find out that my husband has been cheating with multiple women the entire time. I sacraficed everything for him. I was happy to meet his needs because i thought i had a great loving honest man. I guess he fooled me really well, now all i have is a very broken heart and horrible emotional problems that weren’t there before. Sometimes women do everything they can and their husbands cheat anyways. His only reason was to boost his ego with women that meant absolutely nothing to him, which he dropped immediately after i found out. Also i am in great shape for 30 and look much younger because of my size and freckles. What do women do when they put everything into their marriage as the bible tells us and our husbands still want more? Now im struggling with the fact that i will never love him the way i did before, if i can even love him again at all. Now im stuck married to a man that betrayed me more than i could have ever imagined. BTW his problems started with porn.

    • I’m so so sorry. You’re not stuck! Your husband has broken his wedding vows repeatedly. If you choose to stay, that’s up to you. But know that you are also free to go. Peace to you, Kay

  7. hey Luke!!!
    Just want to say thank you. and I’m praying God’s blessing and wisdom for you. I’m glad I’m not alone in trying to live the sex life that God honours and that brings the most joy. It’s tough but even though i mess up often the times that i am victorious by far beat all times ive given in to sin. There’s a reason God asks for what he does. But the best part is that we do it by Grace and Grace alone. Our salvation is complete in Christ, and simply because Yahweh, Loves us with a complete perfect love. And all we can offer to the Father is our human imperfect “love”. Thank you Jesus!!! God bless!!!

  8. OK guys, time for a woman and a wife of almost 28 years to chime in with her “two cents”! First, thank you, Luke, for your stand for truth and the compassionate way you share it with both men and women. There is so much I could say that I’m not sure where to start. Yes many wives fail their husbands sexually. Yes, some wives “let themselves go.” They gain weight (kind of hard to have babies without doing that!) They may not be as exciting or responsive in bed as they once were. But those things don’t happen overnight. Unless a woman is a prostitute, she needs to feel truly connected to her man in order to respond sexually. We girls enjoy sex too, but we need relationship to be eager. Fact is, most married men using porn and other forms of lustful pleasure have traveled that well-worn path long before committing to marriage. The husband’s views about sex have already when shaped and twisted by sin with the result of a brain being chemically addicted and altered as well. He drags that baggage into his marriage, and the wife usually has no idea that she has competition for her husband’s heart and affection.
    Long before I learned of my husband’s use of porn, etc., I knew something was not right in our relationship. There was a disconnect emotionally and spiritually, but I did not understand why or what to do about it. I started to feel “used” sexually and feel repulsed by my husband’s touch, yet I loved him, was praying for him, and feeling guilty about how I was feeling. I tried hard to push past those feelings and be there for him sexually. The point is, no matter how I tried to talk, pray, etc., nothing was changing my husband. Finally I became resigned that this was just the way our marriage would be. Only God could change him and help me not be a bitter, naggy wife. It was at that point, 17 years into marriage, that God began a work in my husbands’s heart. I was devastated to learn of not just porn use, but of the use of prostitutes. Just as Luke was explaining, the use of porn/fantasy and masturbation will never satisfy! A real woman who will also “play the part” will eventually be sought out. Of course, that also cannot be enough, but an addict is stuck seeking the next fix. Needless to say, I cannot put into words the anguish and sense of betrayal I felt when I had tried so hard to do right by my husband. I do not intend to imply that I was the perfect wife. I did not always respond biblically and honor my husband. I had a lot of anger to deal with following the initial disclosure. Learning to forgive him, and to continue to live in that forgiveness has only been possible through God’s working in my own heart.Fast forward 10 years. We are still together – scarred but joyful in the work God is doing in our lives. It has been a long, painful journey with many failures both for myself and my husband. We are still healing, but we both are committed and believe that God “is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think.”
    So guys, if you really desire to have a God – blessed marriage and true sexual satisfaction, you have to face your own failures and do the hard work. That is why Luke and others like him are focused on the man’s resposibility. Stop the blame game! You didn’t marry a “harpy”! She has her own work to do, but she didn’t get that way all by herself! With God’s help, focus on your sin and let Him start to change you. Then, maybe, if she is willing to work hard, your marriage can start changing to reflect God’s unconditional love and faithfulness. But no matter what, don’t you want to hear Jesus say, “Well done, good and faithful servant!”?

    • Well said. I would also like to say to some of the men reading here, your wife didn’t change. YOU changed. You pulled the ‘bait and switch’ on her. You made promises, vows, and give your word to do and be certain things. Then after the marriage, YOU changed. Or rather, your true self came out. You failed to tell your wife when you were dating her that you were a sex addict, a porn user, a liar, a manipulator, a deceiver. You got lazy. You refused to work on the relationship. And you think your wife’s the only one ‘who didn’t take care of herself’.? LOL. What about your ‘beer gut’? What about the fact that you don’t shave before you come to bed. You think your wife likes being torn to pieces with that stuble? You think your likes that you fail to even brush your teeth before you try to have sex with her. You think your likes that you use her body like a spittoon and then roll over without even a ‘thank you’. I’m so sick of these men that want to whine about the ten or twenty pounds their wife gained.
      The bottom line is you need to look to YOURSELF first for reasons your wife won’t have sex with you. Why would she want to sex with someone who has sex with THEIRSELF!!!!! Someone who won’t take the time to put in a little effort into the relationship, but yet wants his little ‘private time’ in the shower. Quit the masturbation, period. It’s the same as cheating.

  9. Thanks to all who shared and thanks Luke for addressing these very real issues. Currently on the radical mentoring blog, there are 7 articles written by a couple from both perspectives. I think they could be a great blessing to any and all who would read them and they could be a stepping stone in communication for any couple. Check them out at the Radical Mentoring website. One last thought, both men and women are broken. By His stripes we have been healed. Through Christ and his work on the cross and because of his resurrection there is hope and as we find healing in Him for our brokeness we can experience all that he created us for.

  10. I have a strong belief in God and I’ve noticed that the less I masturbate the stronger is my connection with God. I belong to a religion called Sant Mat. It’s like Christianity but a lot more mystical. We believe in Jesus and the Buddha and to many living saints that are on Earth here and now which have become enlightened through practicing lots of meditation. Anyway, the point is we have a special way of dealing with sexual desire. We channel it up the spine into our organs and brain. This brings increased vitality and a more grounded existence. We can connect right to the chi of the Earth with our saved sexual energy. So my point is that there are huge benefits to saving sexual energy if you know how to channel it. Thanks.

  11. Thanks so much for this article! So many of the men I work with in groups have a hard time overcoming this false belief. The information here is very useful.
    BTW- Has anyone else mentioned that the boxes on the side screen for Facebook, Twitter, etc, interfere with the articles? They cover up words on the edge and make your site difficult to read. Perhaps it’s just my system, but I thought I’d mention it!! Very annoying.

  12. http://www.webmd.com/men/guide/male-masturbation-5-things-you-didnt-know i find it clearly satan, that the MAIN websites that the facebook generation uses as a “go to”, all will swear masturbation has few bad things. this is the same gfeneration that will hurl little boys into anal sex, telling them they are born gay at 9 years old giveng them costly sex change operations! they are tryin g to create Sodom, where God would destroy most. Sodom was men and boys. so thats where we are headed. the next thing will be lowering the age of consent. they will start with heterosexual things. like the girl who was a former sex hooker who had sex in the bathroom with multiple kids in school? they will start asking, why is the act in itself illegal and why is it child porn if they film themselves. such questioning will be a hidden intent to bringing in the new bathroom laws and allowing kids to engage in sexual behaviors with adults who will also be allowed in those same bathrooms (at locker rooms for example) web md says NO NO N O, masturbation is Good! notice how google operates…if you search for “is masturbation unhealthy” you will come up with either religious peoplel saying its bad, and all the rest including well known sites saying its good. BUT if you google “hemorrhoids masturbation”…UP COMES THE TRUTH. all sorts of professional studies showing that frequent (daily) masturbation WILL CAUSE IT. and of course hemorrhoids unchecked can lead to cancer. so “can masturbation lead to cancer?” the answer is yes. just like drinking soda can, due to acid reflux and esophageal cancer development. why is there a deliberate attempt at thwarting the true science from the facebook generation? (the millennials) satan.

  13. i was pretty much born alone i had friends but i never really talked to girls before or had a girl that was really interested in me, i spent 5 years of my life trying to be the perfect guy, trying to be that guy in the movies, and i was pretty successful, but once a girl said she liked me, i did everything i could to impress her, im pretty young so all the relationships ive ever been through were through the internet, there are no girls at school, and i dont see myself talking to random people on the street so i decided to find people online.

    i never was happy with any of the relationships, it usually was built around making the girl happy giving all the attention she wanted treating her like a princess, but i never got any love back, a one sided relationship, ive been through two relationships which lasted quite a while but they all revolved around me giving the other person love.

    the only satisfaction i got was the idea that all my time im spending might lead to a beautiful relationship, in the end when you start to complain about your problems and how you feel you can clearly see there was no love in the relationship in the first place.

    to get through problems in life i take the easy path and masterbate till my problems go away, but ive realised it really does become a problem when your tastes start to change and the things you want arent normal , as well as that your mind does turn into a vegtable being controlled by these emotions. losing self control becoming addicted.

    there is no true advice for me, ive thought about every solution possible, it just feels like every day im fighting myself.

    but, im trying to change, trying to talk to women on the internet was the worst idea in the world, it just makes you feel more lonely and depressed because they have lots of men trying to talk them as well spoilt for choice.

    i cant get away from the internet and i cant get away from my loneliness, its my hope and my depression.

    this post was good and i found it to help give me evidence on how i should approach my problems.

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