About the author, Matt Fradd

Matt Fradd is the author of Delivered: True Stories of Men and Woman Who Turned from Porn to Purity. After experiencing a profound conversion at World Youth Day in Rome in 2000, Matt has worked through full-time lay ministry in Australia, Ireland, Canada, and Texas. He has served as an apologist for Catholic Answers and has traveled all over the world, speaking to tens of thousands of teens and young adults. He and his wife Cameron have four children and live in North Georgia.

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The Porn Circuit

Parenting the Internet Generation Ebook Cover

Science shows us why porn is highly addictive. Learn how our neurochemistry is easily hijacked by porn to create compulsive behaviors, and discover how the brain can be rewired to escape porn's allure.

91 thoughts on “Does Porn Cause Erectile Dysfunction?

  1. I agree with this article. It truly is about variety. I actually think this one reason why there are so many divorces. Our society is the variety society. People are getting bored quicker now. Sleeping with the same woman or man for a lifetime just isn’t exciting. I don’t necessarily think it is causing erectile dysfunction though. People masturbate when viewing porn. They masturbate a lot. Men and women. You get tired when you do that. I think what people also don’t talk about is that porn stars are very attractive sexually. I have met a few. They are not your average girls. They are tiny and have amazing proportions. I know it sounds funny when I say this, but there is something called the golden ratio. Many porn stars fit that. The girls I met where actually at a software convention. One of the booths was porn software. Now, Microsoft and IBM and Apple, all hired gorgeous models for their booths. There were many beautiful corporate women. But frankly, the porn stars blew them all away. They exuded sex. It was quite noticeable too. All the men couldn’t stop looking and all the women hated those girls. It was a very interesting lesson in social dynamics.

    I am not sure what the answer is to all this. Even if there is an answer. The genie is out of the bottle in America. It really is and it is not going back in.

    • Wow you guys are doing such a wonderful job teaching about the effects of porn and masturbation. In this time and age where close to everything is sexualized, I must admit that even I fell prey to this genie for its not only in America where these things happen, even here in Kenya where I hail from. I’m really grateful that I found help in your website though honestly I would not mind someone to walk by me and tell me that indeed others had fallen but now they have arisen new people, with fulfilling marriages and relationships. I may not be married or even in a relationship in the first place but honestly I would not want to put anyone’s daughter through any kind of pain emotionally, physically or spiritually because of what I have been subjected to by misleading peers. So keep the flame burning, Covenant Eyes because without you guys, some of us are without a source of many wonderful and useful information regarding human sexuality

    • J. Stephens, What is your point? There are people who women and men may be physically attracted to more than others. I want to point out that porn addiction is not simply a male issue. There are many attractive males too. And probably an overwhelming percentage of the porn available is not acted out by the physically over average beautiful person. It’s just porn performed by the average.

    • she is not supposed to go back in the bottle.its the nature of us humans..we want the allure and temptation of this world..

    • This is definafely a educational and very eye opening topic to be discused in brief. Thanks for coming with this topic. Will you please explain me how repeated masturbations leads to erectile dysfunction. And in other way can d same help in overcoming premature ejaculation problem.

    • @raman, thanks for your question. What Matt is trying to say is that typically, masturbation is accompanied by other stimulating behaviors, like watching porn or fantasizing. What ends up happening is that the brain becomes trained to tell the sexual organs that “in order to perform best sexually, I need porn or some sexual fantasy to be aroused.” The chemicals that accompany sexual arousal and eventual orgasm hijack the brain into bonding with the images on the screen or the fantasies. In this way, when it comes to sex with a real, live human, the brain doesn’t rev up the sex organs, because it’s been taught to rev only in other, digital or fantasy situations.

      This is what Matt means when he says that the problem is between the legs – but instead, it’s the brain between the ears. Masturbation, porn and fantasies create a chemical cocktail that train the brain to rev up for the wrong stuff.

      I hope this explanation is helpful.

      Chris

    • Hi i think it quite a bit useful as i watch porn lot and at a cettain point in life i suffer from erectile dysfunction. Watch porn every day everytime am free like a crazy porn maniac. Now must quite watching to get myself use to normal life and see my wife.

    • I jerk off several times a day and I have sex usually twice to three times a day with my girlfriend I’m a young man but I do constantly have the urge to have intercourse or give myself the old rub and tug so is their a medical reason like a physical risk or is it psychological?

    • Hello! The article points to the linkage between erectile dysfunction and pornography use. Are you watching porn while you masturbate? If so, then there are numerous physical/psychological (erectile dysfunction, emotional, behavioral) and physiological (brain) impacts from that. Is there a medical reason why you feel the need to have sex and/or masturbate multiple times per day? I’m not exactly sure. You might just have a strong drive. Some people have a strong drive, but it all depends on how much you’re willing to allow the drive to “master” your life. It sounds like it dominates most of your thinking if you are needing to masturbate and/or have sex 5+ times/day. Anything that dominates our thinking like that will eventually rule us and maybe even ruin us. I think forward to a time when you don’t have a girlfriend. Then, you will likely turn to porn for hours a day. I’ve never met someone who watches porn hours a day who has a high quality life. Maybe a question to ponder is – how can I direct the energy the compels me to have sex constantly towards something else?

      I’ve thrown a lot out there for you to think about. Keep the conversation going if you’d like to know more!
      Peace, Chris
      Covenant Eyes

    • Jack, it’s all about the brain.

      The brain is a pretty powerful organ – the most complex and amazing machine on the planet. At a purely scientific level (since I’m not sure if you’re religious), It’s programmed with certain strong, primary desires, all intended to help an individual survive.

      For example, eating, reproduction, etc. When the brain is stimulated with great smelling food, it’s going to (over time) program itself to be drawn to that food. The neurons will start firing in that direction. It’s pretty amazing how we’re made (or “evolved” if that’s your belief).

      Same is true for the stimuli that fire up our brain sexually. If you continually stimulate your brain with “self-sex” (which is what masturbation is) combined with porn, then you’re training the neurons to bond to the screen. It will be “foreign” for your brain to bond with someone else in the future. It won’t be turned on by a real human, because you will start to see your girlfriend or wife as “bad porn.” Men then get to the point where they have to watch porn while having sex in order to have an erection, which in the end, is really just masturbating inside of her. In fact, your brain will start to see anything other than the constantly changing screens of the porn you’re watching as competition, and actually start to create some resentment and lack of patience with that person because she is keeping you away from your porn.

      Sorry for being so direct, but this is what we’re starting to see with more and more research. I just want you to know as much as possible!

      Here’s a video that might help: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

      Peace,
      Chris
      Covenant Eyes

    • Agreed To the extent of maybe over masturbating and even possibly ruining your sexual drive when it matters the most , causing a bad relationship or divorce , .. But theirs a thin line between love and sex , simply .. If sexual dysfunctioncan cause a break up or divorce , why can’t porn driven fantasy’s save a marriage or relationship

    • Hi Javon – if porn is needed to “save a marriage or relationship” then that’s like putting a bandaid on an open wound. It won’t last long. The underlying pain or issue causing the use of porn is still there. Eventually, a porn-driven fantasy will give way to more porn consumption, which will lead to masturbation, etc. It’s a slippery slope. One that I, personally, don’t have the will power to handle.

    • Mazturbation is useful to lower anxiety, prevent sexual encounters with inappropriate constituents, … put off sex for later time… but why not keep the images in the imagination? It’s so bad some men cannot maintain an erection during sex unless they are looking at images on screen !!!

    • Porn is a natural evolution. It is not an evil perversion as the more prudish and over moralistic of society would have us believe and it could actually be the only thing that is delaying the survival of the human race. We are heading into extinction if we continue to add to our population at the alarming rate we are currently. If we now were to persuade all the people who masturbate to porn to stop and go and have relationships we would certainly speed up that extinction. We need time to find the answers to our overpopulation, and porn, erectile dysfunction and other birth stopping factors could be our only hope.

    • Hey Willy. Unfortunately, porn is a real problem for real relationship intimacy. Just this year, Time magazine devoted an entire issue to the problem of porn, and The Gottman Institute came out against porn as well. Neither of these sources are prudish or moralistic! There are many healthy ways to curtail population explosion that don’t torpedo relationships at the same time. Peace to you, Kay

    • Today is my 10th day without masturbation or watching porn, I dunno how many times I’ve tried to quit…but this time it’s for real. I’m done with porn cos when I comes to real life I couldn’t perform, and that my friend it’s embarassing!!!
      Só 10 days and going strong.
      Quit watch porn and masturbate enjoy the real sex wich is way better, trust me!

    • Well even if they are mind blowing attractive. The sexual experience you get while watching porn and using your hand is nothing in comparison to having the woman your in love with and have a spiritual and soulish connection with who is also attractive on the outside as well as the inside. And you can do everything together. And there is ‘real touching, real kissing. Those cyber space women cannot compete with a ‘real woman’

    • I find your observations extremely profound n analogies very accurate. The fact is external stimalution are a double edge sword it’s like catching lighting in s bottle. It may be difficult too apply to traditional relationships however, the genie is out of the bottle and the three wishes or more may be granted !!! if we seek out our potential partners with this new social dynamic in mind .. open sesame .. I think ?..!

    • You missed the whole point of the article & your comments about these sexy women are irrelevant.

      Masturbation doesn’t make you tired, it satisfies a need. it is the constant reinforcement of that satisfaction that “raises the bar” on what it takes to get a man excited, hence the erectile dysfunction.

      Reread the article, especially the part about the dopamine chain.

    • Great question. As we say in the follow up video about porn impacting the brain, the brain is always changing, and just as sure as you have developed a habit of looking at pornography and masturbating, you can develop a habit to avoid those things. It will feel like pushing a bolder uphill for a while, but lasting change is possible.

      This article about porn’s impact on willpower offers some insights you might find really helpful.

    • We are a civilization,supposedly,a race of people here in America.we are a doomed society,one can read all about us,if you dare,,king James,America.whore of Babylon.the wicked west.it is prophesied.that we will continue on in this world.Until finally there comes a reckoning.there will be a time when we attempt to find reconciliation for the lives we have lived.there will be none for some.im a wrong doer,but a lover of right..I seek a cure also for the rampant sin in my life .May that force that governs the universe.the intelligent,good one,teaching,morality,ethical behavior,love one another as I have taught you to love.Have mercy oh wise,ancient,entity,on all of this creation,you created..Moderation,In a form..its own…

    • Hi Michael, google #nofap as there is a protocol for a very rapid recovery from bad brain wiring after porn addiction/

    • I really am getting wise on certain sexual issues here. I have a question though, on how masturbation can cause erectile dysfunction. I only have to masturbate when I had gone without sex for more than a week or more, less than a week doesn’t do it. It’s only my wife who can get me into that state where I can ejaculate and no other woman can. Can this also be a problem?

    • Makhuvak, the vlog is stating that regular porn consumption has been shown to correlate with erectile dysfunction. I’m not sure what you state is a problem. Simply assess whether or not you believe masturbation is a necessary component of your marriage. Does your wife know you do it? Does she approve? What is on your mind while you’re doing it? Here’s an article that might help you self-assess.

      Peace,
      Chris

    • Mohammed – is your love and commitment to your wife not strong enough to keep you from cheating?

    • Porn is very addictive. I fully agree with your article. When comes time to have sex with your girl, your mind is on all the other women who you viewed in the porno movie

    • I’ve heard of this Time Magazine issue several times now. Can anyone’s give me the date of it so I can find it?

    • I think.only knowing the Lord Jesus. And wanting more intimacy emotional, mental and physical all working together.

    • He doesn’t understand how horrible and unloved I feel or does he even care? I would die for this man but he is killing me inside!!

    • I think many men in the grip of addiction become unable to see their wives as real people. They see every woman as an object to be used for their own self-gratification. If this is the case in your relationship, please find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and build healthy boundaries for yourself. Find a group to help you process the trauma. And check into the online resources at Bloom for support and encouragement. No matter what your partner chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and well. Peace to you, Kay

  2. I think J.Stephens misunderstood the fact about ED being caused by porn. He states that people masturbate a lot when viewing porn, so I’m assuming it his assumption (lots of assuming on my part! LOL) that their erections are OK. However, the article is pointing to the fact that porn causes dysfunction in a “monogamous” relationship. You find yourself quickly bored with your wife, once your brain is hard-wired to porn. Thus, the erectile dysfunction. The monogamy is no longer as exciting…

    • This is great, I was torment by the same problem but I am happy to find out there is a solution to all these worse habit. Thanks to you who came up with this topic.

    • This is all total crap, i watch porn atleast 3 times a week and still want to have sex with my wife as much as she will allow me to, while i am watching porn i am looking for new things to try on her so if anything it is making our sex life better… If a person is watching porn because they cant get hard with their wife obviously they are not sexually attracted to her and that is the problem…. Not the porn!!

    • I appreciate this article, however, i don’t really appreciate some of the non-serious comments. I am dealing with this issue with my husband right now, and we haven’t had sex in 7 years. Because he would rather watch porn than have an interactive relationship with me. It is excruciatingly hurtful and has blown my self worth out the window. I am working on myself in this situation, and learning where i draw the line. I draw it at someone who won’t admit there is a problem, and won’t work towards a solution. I planned on spending the rest of my life with this man, and now i will end up in divorce. It’s devastating. But my self worth and sanity are worth more than this, and there can be no healing with continual hurting. This is a serious problem these days, i am sickened by the amount of people using porn and hurting others.

  3. I agree with this completely. About two years ago, I struggled with this very thing. I was focused on porn and images of women via facebook or any outlet for that matter. This was devastating to my relationship and I could not for the life of me get aroused with my then fiancée (which of course added to the issue of pre-marital sex, but i’ll save that talk for another day!). Anyway, I came to find faith in Jesus Christ and it’s truly by the grace of God that I’m able to focus solely on my now wife and be intimate with her. From 2 years ago until now, I’ve had my struggle here and there with ED, but it’s truly not what it was before.
    Also, and I by no means do I mean this in a condemning or judgmental way (as I for years fell victim to this), I feel J. Stephens has to realize that a majority of women in the porn industry (and Hollywood for that matter) don’t have natural “perfect” bodies. Sadly, women everyday are fed this unreal idea that they have to have perfect skin, hair, body, etc, and with advancements in technology are able to “enhance” what they don’t like about themselves. Much more can be said about this but i’ll just leave it at this for now. God bless and thank you for this article.

    • Man oh man, there is an excuse and a subsequent cure for everything in today’s “it’s not my fault” society. Have a problem in your sexual life? Blame pornography, right? Let me remind everyone, it’s not the spoon that makes you fat. It’s the decision to keep putting what’s on the spoon in your mouth.

    • I’m one who is suffering from ED.I’m using to watch porn on internet and i see now that is the major reason for my ED.Not satisfying my fiancee at all.
      Thanks for the help

    • Wow. While it may be true for some men, it certainly isn’t true for all men.
      The only reason I have had to deal with bouts of ED is due to chronic pain and using prescribed medications. Porn does not make my partner seem less attractive. In fact, I enjoy my partner more than I do porn. However, we both enjoy watching some types of porn for masturbatory enhancement. This by NO MEANS interferes with our attraction for each other. We are not bored. Perhaps we are an anomaly, but I doubt it.

    • Hi Roger – it’s just a slippery slope. It might currently be working for you and your partner, but there just aren’t many guys who can “control” porn. It’s an escalatory issue. Our brains were wired for sexual attraction and bonding to that which excites our reward center, and porn highjacks that process. It might be subtle, but your brain is bonding to those pixels.

      Peace, Chris

  4. This is a great example of what happens when we step “over the line” and break Gods Holy and perfect laws. He created sex within marriage as a blessing for us. Leave it to us to go ahead an warp a perfect gift given by the giver of every good thing. The tough thing about sin is that it never delivers on it’s false promises. Pornogrophy (or as I like to call it online adultery/joy stealing/family ruining) leaves men feeling empty, defeated, guilty, tired, and now come to find out, unable to perform sexually. I can imagine it’s already humiliating enough for a man to have to tell his wife he can’t perform, but to tell her that it’s because he chose mental adultery over their covenant marriage, now that’s tough. I pray the men who read your articles would get serious in this battle and do whatever it takes to overcome this sin in Christs name. We serve a great and mighty God who is able to help us overcome this sin by providing unmerited grace. My hope is we turn to him and run from sin as Joseph did with the Potiphers wife and was blessed for it.

    • I partially agree on this, but all the “God” stuff was irrelevant and unneeded. Nice support though!

  5. Hi I’m fighting this with my man, actually he hasn’t come out and told me he has this problem but I know for a fact he does. He’s told me he started watching porn when he was with his ex wife, which that was more than 10 yes ago, we’ve been together for 8 yrs and its been about 2 yrs that I have known about this. He was hiding it, but I saw it on his phone multiple times, he’s promised me to not watch it ever again after I told him I’m leaving that he’s got to pick me or that porn stuff. Well long story short, I can’t leave the man I love with ally heart, he’s a good man, but he’s all about himself sometimes when we have sex, that’s if he can get a hard on. I always thought it was me, I still do at times. He won’t really talk to me about it. He gets frustrated whenever I try to talk to him about our sex life, I’m open about anything and he knows this about me. I will do anything for this man, he also knows this. I need to know what I can do to help him and to help me to. What can I do to get him to open up? Any suggestions from you men out there or women? I’m not wanting to give up on this, but I can’t go on like this, he knows how I feel about porn and he still does it. ( sometimes when I’m in bed with him to) we used to have sex a lot, now its barely once a week if I’m lucky and I have needs to. He doesn’t think about that. He has even told me that he’s sorry for not giving me attention. Please help. Thank you in advance

    • Hi Theresa. I’m so, so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing in your marriage right now. You’ve described some very common consequences of porn use: ED, self-absorption during sex. It sounds like even he can see the destruction that porn is causing in the relationship.

      I wonder if he would be willing to read a couple of free resources as a starting point for dialog between the two of you? Your Brain on Porn might be the best place for him to start. And then here’s a short article on how to be successful in recovery. Ideally, he should then start to work on changing his habits. A group like SA could be good. He could also try working with a CSAT (certified sexual addiction) therapist. There are even online programs like Candeo that people find helpful.

      Meanwhile, you need support for yourself. A group (Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, xxxChurch) and a counselor just for yourself can help you process emotions and think about healthy boundaries. Here’s a recent article from Ella about helping your husband into recovery while also having good boundaries. And here’s a link to our most popular content for spouses, for more ideas and support.

      I hope that helps. Blessings, Kay

    • Counseling is an option, if he agrees. I am trying that, but we will see how it goes with this subject. I feel for you, and relate so much. Except my husband can even get an erection anymore due to so many years of porn use. I really hope things change for you. Keep working on you!

    • I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re suffering. It’s a terrible place to find yourself. I hope you’re finding support for yourself in this: personal counseling and groups (Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, S Anon, xxxChurch) are all great places to find safe, caring people to help you process your emotions and choose healthy boundaries for yourself. You might appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women share their recovery stories. Blessings, Kay

    • I will be very blunt:: but if it were me i would leave him. You deserve a man who will love you with his total self. I was married for 10yrs and were divorce now but we had a good sex life. There was love, tenderness, adventure aND exploration. The way God intended it. You deserve a man that can just get turned on to you. God didn’t create people to have ti watch others have sex to get turned on. We should just get turned on naturally. That is what is normal and healthy. For centuries before TV people were having great sex lives without porn. Porn wants to sell its stuff, it wants to make money, so if it can make people believe that it is a good thing it will. We don”t need it.it is robbing us of naturally occurring sexual experiences.

  6. I am in the same boat as you . But it’s been 3 years for me. I am just putting it all together . I also gave him a choice lol he said me but keep up with the lies .and even use enhancements till one day something told me to Google his email name and that’s were ever thing pop me in the face. Hook up suites swing suites and I didn’t find it till after we married .and the mass up thing I began feeling he was having others at the house as I was working . See this man is 18 years older then me. I put the cards on the table with him. But only to find out it was one way. Yes counseling once and for their own he try to show me he changed but he didn’t it was lies . Will push came I cut off the Internet and lol he found away to get buck on it and more we haven’t had sex is 6 months . I am a young woman that have needs he’s not caring for as his wife but in the 6 months I know he has well taken care of him self . !!! That hurts but he had surgery a aneurysms and they went in on each side of his growing I took off 2 months to help the man I love only to find out my!! Husband was back on porn not a good 7 days after surgery . And this man couldn’t walk are sit long without wanting a pain pill.so at this time I am done . Because from that day it was back on.he have not stopped yet.and I told him about it he just lie.so I told him I was calling Maury and he just look .all that to say I love my husband 2 .but I always love me too..

    • Hi Minnie, I am so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing in your marriage. When you’re confronted by harsh realities like this, I think your best option is to seek help and support for yourself, so that you can process the pain in healthy ways, and decide what healthy boundaries will look like for you. A personal counselor might be a good help–a counselor just for YOU. Groups can also be a good source of support: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, Al Anon, xxx Church. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose healthy boundaries. YOU can choose healing. Blessings, Kay

  7. Hi my name is Karen my husband chose to go over the road truck driving when the economy went down, even though we live in Michigan he has a perfect driving record don’t do drugs nor drink, since he’s been gone for 7 years only hone one day in a half he chose to reach out to just watching orb then got these iPhones which now you can have live video sex, which he’s totally addicted too, never picked up on that it was actual live sex, escorts, lot lizards , then he took it to an affair after our 2 year old son died he’s been caught admitted he was having a affair with to which of all cases someone we new she was married, I lost my son I was out of it I admit for 18 months I just lost my mind, I kept thinking it was his way of grief, I kept making excuses of why I could do nothing for him , I kept saying it was me, he said your ” you just don’t get it” I said your right, then got our phone bill and there was 7689 live videos a month that he was watching as he left for the road, so the next bill was 817 times a week he was master sting to strange woman giving his name email and number to, they new more of my husband than I did!! I was crushed!!! He said he’d never cheat again but I have to except the issue of his addiction or he says we just need a divorce, in which I then spoke to a atourney and because he actually did physically step out and had a live affair, he says I just need to get over it, that he ended it in May , 2015, now 2016 is when I went through his phone and tablet of pictures of him having sex, one of them even posses in a motel he rented, he’s in to multiple partners, he swears his liver sent those to him, he says it’s not going on have me some lame password to his Facebook but later found out he has all put in a iCloud, and hidden sites that require a password, I ask he says he don’t have such shit or knows nothing, on and on he’s home from knee surgery, since a week ago and sex was great, but now it’s back to his phone if I take a nap, I tried to give him a blow job, and I seen for him not looking or master sting it works great, he’s tried every pill, in history he keeps saying its epd… Till my daughter gave me this site to read, I know now it’s not me, but then it is, he wants the porn, the live strange woman not his wife, I just don’t know what’s next other than to give him his freedom, he can stay living in this semi, but I’m not beating myself to death no more!!! I’m sick over it, can’t keep weight on lost over 50 lbs in a size 0 to a 3 pending!!!! Lost of words he twists shit on me saying because this and that, but not because he can’t put his phone done for a min, I now know it’s over for our marriage

    • Karen, I am so, so sorry for all the pain you’re experiencing. Losing a child is devastating, and then it sounds like your husband has made very painful choices for your relationship as well. When you say that you’re sick over it and have lost so much weight, that sounds to me like you may be experiencing some serious anxiety and depression. It’s very common for women in porn-impacted relationships to meet the medical criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder.

      If your husband does choose to continue on this path, and you end up with a separation or divorce, then I’m very sorry about that, BUT–my primary concern is for YOU, your health and your recovery. With everything you’ve faced, I’d say you really need some good care.

      First of all, I would suggest that you see your doctor. With the symptoms you’re describing, I think you’ll need medical care.

      Second, a personal counselor could be a huge help to you as you process through the emotions you’ve been experiencing and will experience. You might also look for a group in your area for additional support: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, Pure Desire.

      Whatever he chooses, you make sure that you’re getting the help that you need.

      Blessings, Kay

  8. That is the reason why my husband don’t want to have sex with me anymore, he is highly addicted to pornography. Even whatever i do he is unstoppable. Now almost 3months we don’t have sex. It really hurts me so bad that my husband just replaced me with porn. He don’t want kissess and hugs, its just like were not existing to each other, and he is uncurable because he don’t want to talk seriously about personal matters. When he arrived home he holds celphone or laptop until sleeping time, and thats also the first things he hold in the morning..
    Life without affection, no kissess and hugs, no sweet talk, no cuddle, is just like hell. Thats what my life is. I’m just a house maid for him. He don’t know how to treat a wife to be a wiFe.

  9. Reading everyone else’s comments makes me feel sick to my stomach. I know in my gut that my husband is doing many of these same things. If a man masturbates/watches porn frequently does he even really love his wife? Does he know what real love is? I can’t imagine looking at other men/desiring them and climaxing with my husband no where near me. I don’t understand it. I don’t care if men and woman are made differently. That is an excuse!! Every person has control over their own actions. Just because I really have an urge to buy myself jewelry all the time doesn’t mean that I should or that it’s ok.
    My husband and I dated on and off for a couple years before we got married. I knew he masturbated quite a bit before we got married and lived together but I assumed that would change once I was there next to him and available for whatever he desired every night. I was wrong. We have been married now less than a year and I am finding myself frustrated, very hurt and confused. I really enjoy sex with my husband. I love him with all my heart and I love to be close to him, I love the feeling and I crave/want it often. But there is nothing that turns me off more than knowing he would rather masturbate in secret, by himself while looking/desiring other women than to be with me. Especially because it’s not like I’m rejecting him or like he has to go long periods of time without sex therefore making masturbation justifiable. No, that’s not the case. I am there every day/night willing and ready when his mood strikes. Unfortunately his mood strikes or should I say strokes him very often but not to include me. I feel like I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried pretending not to notice how often & how long he goes to the bathroom or leaves the house for a quick errand that always turns into an hour plus, I try not to look at his phone…. but after ignoring it for a few months while he handled himself regularly & left me unsatisfied I had to say something. I didn’t want to put him down or make it a big thing but because I’ve brought it to his attention on several occasions and nothing seems to change it is really becoming a big BIG deal to me. In fact its to the point where I think about it all the time. I am constantly internally questioning if he is doing it right now. It’s EXHAUSTING. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel bitter at him and makes me feel so undesirable. feeling undesired by my husband really belittles me and robs me of being the good wife that I know I am and can be. It also robs him of respect. I want to be proud and hold my head high regarding my husbands actions and his honor. It hurts me the most that he knows how I feel about it but yet he daily chooses it over having a real relationship that would be good/right plus keep us close knit in our everyday life. He says he believes that there is nothing wrong with it but I don’t believe that he really believes that. He just doesn’t want to stop. I think that masturbating all the time leads men to have less feeling during sex too. There have been a couple of times (like seriously maybe 2) he abstained a day and his penis was much harder when we were together. It was very nice those two times, lol. I’m now feeling like giving up. We are both 38, maybe I should just stop caring about sex. I don’t know what to do. I just know that sex during marriage should be a wonderful good regular thing special between two healthy married people but it’s not for us. It’s missing the guts of what makes it special. I have no power or control to fix it. He has to want it/work to change it for himself and me. So I guess I’m just stuck and have to wait for him to “get it”? Yet I’m the bad guy to him for making a big deal out of “nothing”. It’s so unfair!!!

    • Hey Barb. Thanks for sharing. I think you said some really important things here!

      First of all, YES! Every person has control over their own choices!

      That is the absolute KEY to dealing with things like this.

      He does have a choice about how he behaves. Now, his brain chemistry may have been impacted, and he may have serious defense mechanisms in place, but he DOES have a choice.

      You also have choices. You can’t fix him, but you can always choose to be healthy for you.

      Here and here are a couple of articles on boundaries. You might also want to look at our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women tell their stories of recovery. Boundaries will always figure into real recovery, I think.

      Many, many women will end up meeting the criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in porn-afflicted marriages. Evaluate how this is impacting you. You may have to make hard choices for your health and sanity. A counselor can help you process through your emotions, and help you think about boundaries. Groups are also a great source of support.

      If your husband decides to get into recovery, a CSAT therapist would be helpful to him, I’m sure.

      It is so unfair, and so painful. I’m so, so sorry.

      Peace to you, Kay

    • It is unfair, and totally selfish! You do deserve more than you are getting! The entire porn scene, leads to egoism. Marriage can’t be all about 1 person, its a sharing of yourself. I feel so warped even having to deal with my husband’s issue with this. Its deceitful, hurtful, emotionally degrading and spiritually damaging! Talk about toxic! I feel your pain, and i hope that you are stronger than me. I am so stuck right now, but someday I won’t be. Hang in there girl, find a way to take care of you. See a counselor, something.

  10. I do not know if it’s just me or if everyone else experiencing problems with your website.
    It appears as if some of the text within your content are running off the screen. Can somebody else please comment and let me know if this is happening to them as well?

    This might be a issue with my internet browser because I’ve had this happen before.
    Thanks

  11. Not woman-blaming here, but I think a lot of you ladies commenting here need to learn how to stand up for yourselves and put your foot down when it comes to certain things. Some men just seem to lack the willpower to change a bad habit and they need to be shoved into the right direction. My boyfriend’s porn addiction was so bad that it almost ruined our sex life. We always have had great sex together, but he would only want it infrequently and would sometimes suffer from ED. I knew he was still watching porn all the time, and finally I confronted him about it and let him know that my feelings about it were not, as some men like to believe, related to jealousy about him viewing other women naked, but about my feeling like our sex life was taking a nose dive because of his excessive viewing of it. He said he understood and we agreed that it be ok for him to watch it once and awhile as long as it wasn’t a constant, daily thing.

    Well, even after that he was still doing it very often, and started getting sneaky about it, but since I am far more computer-adept than he is I was always able to find out. I truly never believed that he was diliberately trying to hurt me. He has always treated me wonderfully, he makes me feel sexy and loved and we rarely fight or argue. However, it seemed to me that he lacked the willpower to stop the constant porn watching on his own, so finally I just put my foot down and basically forbade him from bringing his phone in the bathroom. It caused probably the biggest fight we’ve ever had because he insists he just brings his phone in there because he likes to read on the toilet, but I was plenty aware that 9/10 times he was watching porn and jerking off. I caught him in the act a few times plus saw his browser history. But, my boyfriend is overall a sweet natured guy and so even though he was angry about my request, he stopped doing it for the most part. Our sex life has improve a hundred fold and he rarely has a problem getting an erection now. Once and awhile we even watch porn together if we are just feeling naughty that day. But it is in moderation to stop the addiction from returning.

    He still watches porn once or twice a month, but I let it go because he really did make an effort to cut back with some…persuasion…from me. Now, I want to make it clear here that I am not a control freak. I know it may sound that way because I basically told him he wasn’t allowed to bring his phone in the bathroom anymore, and put a porn blocker with a password he doesn’t know onto our shared computer. I don’t control every aspect of his life. He does what he wants and I do what I want, we have some shared hobbies and some individual hobbies and that’s ok. We are both geeky game-loving people who also enjoy partying in New Orleans. He talks to other girls sometimes while we are out and I don’t get jealous, I join the conversations and have a good time. He is a guy who gets along well with women and I am fine with that. I have many male friends and he doesn’t get jealous either, it’s just part of who we are.

    My point in all of this is, don’t be timid and sulky if your boyfriend or spouse has a habit that affects your relationship in a negative way. Stand up for yourself and demand change. If your man won’t change his habits willingly, then do things that actively prevent him from continuing to do it. The way I see it, asking a man to give up porn if it is badly affecting your sex life is no different from asking someone to give up alcohol or drug usage if it is affecting your relationship. And since porn can be a real addiction for some, some people need active intervention to stop the behavior. Any man who flatly refuses to stop watching porn or isn’t even willing to scale it back a good bit is not committed to the health of the relationship. Men like that aren’t worth your stress or your sorrow. Divorce or even a break up can be wretchedly painful, but sometimes it’s the best thing for your own sanity in the long term. Find a new partner that is willing to commit to you and isn’t going to hurt you for their own selfish wants.

    I hope this helps someone out there that may be in the same position I was once in. Ladies, we no longer live in a society where the man controls the relationship and can do whatever he wants without question. We are their equals and we are fully within our rights to demand change if it’s needed to save a marriage or relationship. Please be strong and don’t let your man walk all over you and treat you like garbage. You’re worth more than that.

  12. When I originally left a comment I appear to have clicked
    the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now each time a comment is added
    I get four emails with the exact same comment. Perhaps there is an easy method you are
    able to remove me from that service? Many thanks!

    • Hi Nora – I’m sorry, I don’t know of anything on our side to do what you’ve asked. I can try to delete your original comment, if that’s OK.

      Chris

  13. I’ve been with my girlfriend for two years now. Yes I do think I have a problem watching porn, but my girlfriend only has sex with me once maybe twice a week if I’m lucky. Then when we do have sex she says get yourself ready or come on let’s hurry. We never have sex when I feel the urge. Only late at night before bed. I am very turned on by her, but she doesn’t seem the same. I’ve had to resort to porn and satisfying myself because she rarely even tries to act sexy and turn me on. Then she calls me disgusting for watching porn and masturbating, but she isn’t interested in sex. Am I wrong for this?

    • Hi, CP – I wonder what would change if you didn’t view sex as a transaction? It sounds like you see it as some quota that needs to be filled. Something intended to satisfy your needs. Brother, it wasn’t created for that. What are HER needs? Sex is a gift to be offered. The habit of watching porn and masturbating because you don’t think you have sex enough is disrespectful and honestly, a horrible habit. It’s ruining her heart and your heart and mind (you’re teaching your brain to bond to pixels). Sex was intended to create oneness with a spouse, allow for mutual pleasure, and if the situation is right, fruitful in the way of children. It’s free and total. Offered to each other. Not some minimum requirement. It’s up to you as a man to treat her as a one-of-a-kind, unique, never-to-be-replicated amazing creation. To be loved and cherished. Otherwise, you should not be with her. But, treat her differently, and it will go well for you. I promise!

      Peace, Chris

  14. I don’t have a girlfriend I never marry and I’m 23yrs and I never release sperm a physically except I released half in the dream and others outside so I was confused since I can’t masturbate and I was thinking maybe watching porn at least 2 times a month would make me release cos I think releasing in the dream is bad due to marine spirit, but since then I had never released why watching porn and I don’t masturbate, so what do you suggest should I go releasing in the dream nor staying without releasing nor be watching porn cos I fill that is the only way I can do it physically in fact any solution to it please since I have never been addicted to it much.

    • Hello, is there anything medical going on, possibly? If I read correctly, it seems like you are struggling at night. What things are you doing just before going to bed? Is your mind clear? Maybe you could pray specifically for your sleep and this issue. At the end, you said, “I have never been addicted to it much,” which just sounds like maybe porn is a part of your habit. I would just encourage you to remove that part of your routine so that you are filling your mind with better “digital nutrition” instead of the junk food of porn.

  15. Hmm, I really don’t understand how porn + masturbation causes erectile dysfunction. Then again, I don’t have a penis or a porn addiction so it’s all very psychologically interesting to me. I can only hypothesize.

    Sex is a natural biological urge, so what is the psychological reason behind porn addiction? Maybe being excessively horny or lonely combined with internalized guilt and shame? So people with porn addiction maybe struggle to communicate and express their sexual desires with other people because of guilt/shame or fear of rejection? How would an anti-porn state of mind actually help a person overcome their inability to talk about or express their sexual desires with others? Hmm.

    Still, I’m not completely pro-porn. I find the excessive youth fetishization to be extremely problematic. I think it’s very psychologically damaging to women both young and old to constantly have ’18’ thrown in their face as the socially acceptable age for women to have sexual desires. All women are subconsciously raised to believe that as soon as they hit 30 they will no longer be valued or desirable and it is awful. There is ageism everywhere and it’s very disturbing.

    SO I can’t say I’m pro or anti porn. I don’t think there is anything wrong with masturbation. Masturbate for peace. Use your imagination for sexual stimulation as well, whether you are just pleasing yourself or pleasing someone else, there is nothing wrong with using your imagination. Imagination could probably help people who have psychological issues with sex because we all want to be in a state of mind where we feel comfortable with our bodies and safe to express ourselves sexually.

    • Hello, BB – I appreciate your honesty! You and I are probably going to approach the porn and masturbation topics with a different worldview, but I’ll share a few thoughts. When it comes to pornography, there is so much more than meets the eye. Sex-trafficking. Child pornography. Peer-reviewed neurological impacts on empathy and intimacy. Is it something I want my daughter to do someday? Heck no. Therefore, anything that I don’t to pass on is on the list of things that I shouldn’t be practicing myself. That’s whay’s wrong with porn. That’s setting aside some of the spiritual reasons that I didn’t get a sense from your post would be beneficial to the discussion, but it’s also part of my own personal worldview.

      Specific to the erectile dysfunction – it goes like this. The brain wasn’t meant to be overrun with dopamine in the way that porn does with click after click of fake but titilating images of people. Over time, this causes the brain to desensitize towards “normal” sexual activity, because it has been trained to want more. More and more. The brain is a-moral. Want you feed it becomes what you train it to desire. Over time, men addicted to porn no longer find real women sexually stimulating. Hence, they can’t get an erection. As it’s said, “real women just become bad porn.”

      Masturbation is a highly divisive topic, even in the Church. There’s clearly a neurological adhesion that occurs during the masturbation process. If I’m constantly fantasizing and masturbating, then I’m teaching my brain to adhere to those thoughts and behaviors. Again, it’s just not healthy when that begins to push against a committed marriage, where my goal is to adhere to my wife in every way. Now, can some couples find some balance where a bit of masturbation isn’t an issue? Maybe. I’ve just never been able to find that balance. I must not have enough self-control, because eventually, masturbation always seems to take over and dominate my thinking. So, I’ve decided to kick it aside. Also, whoever is regularly masturbatiing is also watching porn. They just go together.

      Covenant Eyes clearly stands by its position that a life without porn is a better, more honorable way to live. We have some thoughts about masturbation, but leave that one more for others to debate.

      I appreciate your post. I hope you find answers.
      Chris

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