Hope After Porn

Hope After Porn Ebook Cover

Porn use (and even adultery) doesn't always mean that a marriage is over. Get this free e-book to read how four betrayed wives found healing for themselves and for their marriages.

10 thoughts on “Broken Trust: A Christian Response to Your Husband’s Porn Problem

  1. Hi there,
    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this article. My husband and I have only been married for 8 months and I found out about his addiction 1 month after we eloped. My first struggle was not knowing if I could ever trust him again, so hearing this confirmation is so uplifting. Although the struggle was hard, I truly recognized my husband’s repentance and forgiveness throughout everyday that passed since the discovery. Now, I would give anything to be back in that moment, although the hurt was still fresh. It’s as if the tables have turned and I am the one who was unfaithful. I am constantly questioned and doubted everyday. A little has been revealed that now he is worried I will seek revenge or seek someone else because of his wrongdoings. I am more hurt now that when I discovered his infidelity.

    Any recommendations?

    Sincerely,
    Struggling Wife

    • Hi Struggling Wife,

      Thanks so much for your comment. You ask some good questions. Tell me a little more about this situation. Are you saying that he is genuinely fearful that you are going to take revenge on him, or are you saying that he is just saying that in order to shift the attention to you? You might say to him, “I’ve told you that I have forgiven you, but you don’t seem to trust that I have. Is there something I am doing or saying that is giving you that impression?”

  2. I ask the same question , is/ was she married to a sex addict ? Also , does she counsel sex addicts? I have never heard or read that trust is a sign of forgiveness. Trusting an addict who has not earned trust can cost you your life, the lives of your children . Being married to one for a very long time and teaching myself to ignore the nagging gut feeling has been a hard behavior to overcome. Trusting my doubts is actually what finally led to Covenant Eyes, to seeking resources for him to read or talk to someone, and subsequently his partial confession. Other than my gut I had not one drop of ” evidence ” to go on.Ignoring it may have cost my husband even more. To tell a wife to stop “checking” seems to go against all that Covenant Eyes is built on. One excellent counselor said , if there is nothing to hide what are so irritated about? Goes for both spouses it would seem.

    • I could be wrong about this, but it seems like she is saying that trust and forgiveness are two different things: trust is earned, but forgiveness is given. However, she is also saying that there is a difference between being unable to trust (because your husband is not trustworthy or hasn’t demonstrated trustworthiness) and being unwilling to trust despite all signs of trustworthiness. Being unable to trust is a matter your husband proving his trustworthiness (adding to the Trust Bank). Being unwilling to trust in spite of have a full Trust account is possibly a manifestation of revenge: “I will hold my lack of trust over your head for the rest of your life, regardless of what you do or don’t do.” Is this a fair reading of the article?

  3. Who tore whose household down and why do you even quote this here. Some of us have chosen to forgive and trust again too many times. These are addicts. This article makes me mad.

  4. i wanted to clarify what was upsetting to me about this article. And i may have over reacted. Certainly i am very thankful that the author cares and wants to help. i really appreciate having a place to turn to in my pain and have understanding after living all these years feeling crazy trying to navigate what i thought were temporary situations that now i see has done such damage to our family. For many years i decided to trust even though everything in me said he was lying. The signs were there but i didn’t want to be a woman that tore down her own house- so i kept wanting to believe the best and now here i am 30 years down the road and the monster- addiction- grew while i hoped for the best until i am presently looking at damage not only to him, but to me and most importantly- to my kids. i look back and think how in the world did this happen because it surfaced over and over again and i kept thinking it was being dealt with, temporary remorse and promises. Often hearing that i needed to trust so we could move on. So my read on this blog is contrary to what i wish i had done. i wish i had trusted my intuition and gone after this like a tiger to try to get resolution. My husband fed this type of reasoning to me while continuing in sin and lies. And the damage multiplies with time so i would say to other women- Be very sure and do not relent from pressing the issue because a man who is in recovery and truly repentant will not see that as “tearing his house down”. but rather protecting his family and himself from the roaring lion that is bent on ripping his family apart!

    • I think that’s where the “trust bank” concept comes into play. Women who neglect the importance of letting her husband rebuild trust can be terribly burnt in this process (as you yourself painfully know). However, when the author says, “The day will come when you will simply have to trust that your husband is being faithful and true to you,” she is obviously speaking to the woman who is on the opposite end of the spectrum, the woman who is resistant to trust, who never feels like she will be able to trust again.

      I talk to both kinds of women every day. Some just trust their husbands out of obligation or fear or love, not realizing that trust needs to be earned. I also talk to women who are married to husbands who do everything in their power to regain trust, but they can never let their hearts trust again. Both the blind giving of trust and the unchangeable withholding of trust can kill a relationship.

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