“My Boyfriend Loves Porn”: the Story of a Shattered Relationship

(Warning: this article contains some graphic language)

You wear a seat belt for protection. But you don’t get addicted to riding in your car without it. You “get accountable” for protection…but in this case, without accountability, pornography addiction could be lurking at your door.

Why do people, especially men, become addicted to porn? It’s pretty simple to explain that one: naked women and our sinful nature.

So, like a seatbelt in a car—and even more so in the face of possible addiction—we need accountability on the Internet.

Meet Brad and Emily

Here are excerpts from one addict’s story (true story, actually happened to me).

I’m sitting in a coffee shop in Lansing, Michigan, and at the next table were a young man and woman, maybe 20 or 21 years old. I overheard their names, Brad and Emily. Emily was sitting back-to-back with me, our chairs touching, talking to Brad, whom I could see to my left out of the corner of my eye. I pretended to be busy on my computer.

Brad, speaking quite loudly, said, “I love pornography. I know I’m addicted to it. I look at it all the time, I just love it.” It was Emily’s response that caught me off guard. “It’s good. I understand and that’s really okay.” As you’ll see, it wasn’t “really okay.” It became apparent that Brad and Emily have been a couple for some time.

Brad: My kindergarten teacher asked me what I want to be when I grow up, and I told her a porn star, and she couldn’t believe it.

Emily: Wow, that’s really cool; that’s really funny.

Brad: You know, my favorite pornography is [censored] porn, I’ll watch it and then masturbate two or three times.

Emily (showing no signs of emotion): That’s great that you can talk about it.

Brad: I want to be President some day, and the first thing I’m going to do is make it so kids are trained in pornography.

Emily: That’s brilliant! I wish all guys were as honest as you are about that.

At that point, Brad discovered me sitting there, and he said, “Oh my God, is our conversation bothering you?” (As the President of Covenant Eyes, I see an open door and walk in.) I respond, “Well, actually, I’m in the business! This is actually intriguing me.” At this point, I enter the conversation…

Brad: Really, you’re in the business?

Ron: Well, actually I run an Internet accountability and filtering company. Many of our members struggle with pornography and they are trying to get out of it.

Brad: Oh, yeah, I understand that, and it is an addiction, and I’m addicted, but I love it!  This is my life. Some people think it’s wrong, but I really enjoy it. It’s not hurting anybody.

Ron: Emily, how do you feel about his pornography addiction?

Emily (instantly and seriously): I hate it, I hate it.

(Brad was obviously caught off guard by this response.)

Ron: What is it about it that you hate?

Emily: I can’t compete against these women. He won’t have sex with me. I try to have sex with him, but we won’t even have sex with me.

Ron: Brad, do you see that there is a core issue here, and that is whether it’s right or wrong? Do you see that in her mind, it’s wrong?

Brad: Well, I try to get her to watch porn with me and she won’t. All she has to do is join with me because it’s a lot of fun.

Ron: Emily, you do not belong in this relationship (thinking of what I would say as a father to my daughter). You need to get out of this relationship right now. Brad, do you understand that in her mind, this is wrong, and she can’t compete against those women? You are never going to find a real woman who can live up to the expectations that you have as a result of those false images.

Emily: He won’t even have sex with me.

Ron: Emily, why are you in this relationship?

Emily: It’s been three years, and I’ve left several times…

Brad: And she always comes back!

From the moment I asked her how she felt about his pornography, Emily started crying, and did not stop until Brad walked out of the door of the coffee shop, abandoning her.

Brad: I’ve been clean, I haven’t cheated on her once!

Ron: Do you know that Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount that if you look on a woman to lust for her, you are committing adultery in your heart?

(Emily nodded agreement, sobbing.)

Ron: It’s a heart issue, it’s not whether you physically do it, this is a heart issue.

(Emily nodded vigorously.)

Brad: Do you mean that if I look at those two girls over there with lust, that you would think I’m cheating on you?

Emily: Of course!

Brad: Well, I can’t handle this anymore. I am out of this relationship! I have to go masturbate.

Emily (as Brad was gathering up his things to walk out): You’re leaving me?

Brad: Yes!

Emily: You’re leaving me because I pushed back about your pornography?

Brad (halfway out the door, turning again toward us): The girls of porn don’t push back! 

(Emily, continuing to cry, waits a moment, and then also leaves.)

When Your Husband or Boyfriend Loves Porn

Like Brad in this true story, men are often shocked to find out their wives’ reaction to discovering their pornography habits.

What men need to realize is that sexual sin, including the viewing of pornography, almost always leads to permanently broken relationships.

Think about it, men…two guys can get into a knock-down, drag-out fight over a football game, even to the point of hitting each other. Two years later those same two men might be found side by side watching another game, beer in hand, friendly as can be. That’s how men are. But if you mess with my wife, I guarantee our relationship is broken forever.  That, too, is how men are.

It’s how women are, too. But with women, men’s adulterous lusting after pictures is about the same as actually conducting a physical affair. So no wonder women react so vehemently to their man’s affection for the women of pornography.

By the way, the husband-wife relationship is meant to be an image of our relationship with God, so we should also recognize that in the sin of pornography, we are in a very real sense sinning against God by lusting after the false idol of sexual gratification outside of our marriage.

Why do we need accountability in 2013?  It’s pretty simple to explain that one: naked women and our sinful nature.

Pure Minds Online | Issue 28 | January 2013 | More in this issue: Secrets and Shame | 10 Biblical Proverbs About Accountability | Think on These Things