Porn and Your Husband

Porn and Your Husband Ebook Cover

Did you catch your husband watching porn? Learn the answers to common questions, tips to productive conversations, steps to setting boundaries, and how to determine the next steps for your marriage.

40 thoughts on “Christian Marriage Advice: 5 ways porn will hurt your marriage

  1. Thank you for the encouraging and spot on article! I was married for 15 years to a wonderful man…someone I thought was “all that”. But “all that” changed when I found his secret. Anyone (including you Erin) will know that after the “initial” waves of anger, hurt, pain and sorrow once a woman has found her spouse’s secret…she then wants full disclosure. I’m not sure why, but I found MYSELF wanting to know more. The details of which no woman truly “wants” to learn about…it is, after all, disgusting! But the need to know becomes so strong as “she” looks for the reasons why “she” wasn’t enough. Of course now that the “she”, the innocent, has found his secret, he has to go into damage control. Control being the operative word here! His need to hide and discount everything she has just found is as strong as her need for full disclosure. The innocent spouse becomes controlling and demands account passwords. She becomes the FBI’s supreme stealth student; learning all she can about ways to spy on her offender and craftily looks for signs that her offender is acting out. She becomes more attractive, seductive, doing things she would never have before to become that “every woman”. Something of which no woman is able to “be”. The more she tries, the more she begins to hate her own being. The desire to please eventually fades and she falls into a deep depression. The very things she has worked hard to learn and learned to use has only backfired and her controlling, manipulative ways have lead to even more problems in the marriage. There are only two ways to “complete” freedom…the path to my freedom came in the way of my spouse wanting out of the marriage. which at the time came as a huge relief. But then regret.

    The other path to freedom is his desire to change and abstain. He has resolved himself to full transparency and full disclosure. Only then can there be intimacy.

    Regret? …I still have regret that my marriage to him is over…but the reoccuring nightmares of how it ended and why, are still fresh and never far from my mind.

    To all who are reading this…I hope the torment and pain that is still present in my writing comes through…4 years out as X Mrs. 2nd Best. <3

    • @X MRS. – You are by no means “2nd best.” The fact is no one woman can compete with an online harem of women, all digitally edited to the users least specification, all without their own needs, all existing to cater to the sinful cravings of the man, all catering to his pride and selfishness. Even those whom culture calls “beautiful” can’t be everything to a man entrenched in this problem. Think about it: Tea Leoni, Christie Brinkley, Elin Nordegren, Denise Richards – all of them couldn’t compete with a harem of fantasy women.

      Thanks for sharing your story here. I am so sorry things didn’t work out for you and your husband.

    • I feel your pain, I am going through a lot right now with my husband looking @ porn as well as him looking at other social networks. It is so hurtful that I cannot even begin to describe my pain. I have lost total trust and I feel as if my marriage is going to end all because of this. I have come to the point where I don’t know what else to do, I have spoken to him about it, but I know deep in my heart it is not going to change. I am beyond hurt and I cannot find any way to make myself feel better. I have been tempted to just give up and move on because this is not the first time. This is such as difficult decision. :(

    • Hi Gee,

      How tragic! Before you completely give up on your marriage, we have two free e-books you need to read. The first is Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives, which gives practical tips for healing your relationship. The other is Hope After Porn, which compiles four stories of wives whose husbands used porn (and in some cases actually acted out in person), but who eventually found healing and reconciliation for their marriages. I hope both of these e-books bring you hope!

    • OMG You described me. Woud you do it again in this manner? Any words of Christian wisdom would be greatly appreciated. AJ. in Cold Colorado

    • I don’t mean to be a problem for any of you ladies but I hear many of you talking about how bad and hurtful your husbands are because of their porn addiction with very little compassion whatsoever. Your husband is certainly wrong for watching porn but sin taints the entire human race. Some people are more prone to lust, others to drunkenness. What are you prone to? No sin is greater than another and because you also are a sinner you should have more compassion for other sinners. Yet, we human beings would rather gossip about someone else’s faults to make ourselves feel more awesome than we actually are.

  2. Thank you for this great article. Marriage comes with its challenges. It takes work. It takes dedication. It can be great, it can be happy, but it can also be hard. If we think depth about this then must we will create a much more long live happy married life..

    • I feel just like Gee but my husband try to blame me to give him more attention . I have in the past and it happen again I know it not me and told him he cannot turn it around he need to do something with this problem or it the end because my trust is gone

  3. Please pray for my husband’s addiction to porn. He is Christian but he sees nothing wrong in watching porn and pleasuring himself. I am falling apart, praying to God every day. Please pray for my marriage, and that my husband is enlightened by God – that he realizes that porn is not good, that God wants him to stop. Please pray that God gives him wisdom and strength to stop wishing for and watching porn! :( Thank you. God bless you all.

    • This is a great article! I just ran into a minor porn issue with my husband, and I sent this article to his phone and he understood the damage that porn can do. I thank God for websites like these. Be blessed!

    • I know how you feel. My husband started looking at porn after I had breast cancer and had to go through a mastectomy. I didn’t know and was surprised because he was very supportive through everything. He didn’t tell me I walked in on him looking on the computer for porn sites. He says he stopped but he doesn’t feel he did anything wrong either. I feel like I can’t trust him because he hide it so long (over 10 years) and because he doesn’t think it’s wrong. I have been praying a lot to help him but also to help me to understand that it’s not me.

  4. Am am a 51 year old male that has more recently started viewing porn to keep myself sane. I would 100 times prefer to be intimate with my wife but she is not interested. Have tried everything I know to encourage intimacy. Even spending thousands on romantic getaways besides little things on a daily / weekly basis. Have gone to Christian counceling of her choosing and after many sessions the councelor told me privately he could not see going any further because that even though I really put forth a really good faith effort toward working on my own self and my marriage my wife however only complains and doesn’t view herself as needing to make any changes. He told me privately that if most of the wives he councels had husbands like me their marriages would be much better. After my wife was not told what she wanted to hear she quit the counceling and refuses to see any more. I know what I am doing is wrong and God desires us to be together sexually, but my physical needs are overwhelming especially because I am very attracted to my wife. When I view pornography I purposely search out women who look and remind me of her. At this point I have come to the conclusion that the porn is bad for me because it is enabling me to stay in a bad marriage by taking the edge off my sexual urges rather than getting the courage to leave. I am against divorce so it seems at this time like the lesser of 2 evils. I would appreciate any criticisim or advice for me in my situation.
    Sam

    • I am no expert but i see you are 51. Assuming your wife is near your age could she be going through the change? Menopause causes some most embarrassing things. It can also cause a complete lack of sexual desire. Intimacy is lost. The natural feelings of excitement and desire stop. There is just simply no interest. It can also cause things to happen or not happen to a womans body that makes sex painful in some ways. Love has nothing to do with it. She may even know of your new habit but because she cant engage she chooses to look the other way. It is not in her to hurt or deprive you. She needs your understanding and patience more than anything. Once she gets past it her desire will probably return. Women connect emotionally. If her emotions are in turmoil no matter what the cause then sex is not a desire. It may not be her. It may not be her fault. And it certainly isnt you from the sound of your letter.

  5. before my husband and I got married I knew he had this problem and did not want to marry him because I did not want to struggle like my mother did with my father (been divorce) my husband did not give up so easily and I gave him a shot but made it very CLEAR I will not accept this and he told me he throw it all away. Will after 3 years now 8 years married) I found out he was looking at this trash and I was PISSED off and confronted him and then it lead to him talking and going out with real women. We both had filed for divorce but here we are still married with a daughter that is 3 but my question is how do I trust him again? I have cried till I had no more tears to cry to Our Lord and here we are 8 years married and I still don’t trust him at all. It hurts me so much and I’m dying inside.

    • Hi anjelita. What your husband has done to you is deplorable. I’m so sorry you have experienced this.

      Trust can only be rebuilt if he manifests trustworthy behavior. Talk is cheap. He needs to show that he is trustworthy by taking all the steps he can to show you he is distancing himself from porn, other women, and all other kinds of infidelity. These are steps he needs to take. He needs to show you he is surrounding himself with the support he needs to quit this habit. He needs to show you that he’s fighting for your marriage. That is the only way trust is rebuilt.

  6. I am a somewhat newly married young woman. We have been married just about a year, and have a baby son. Today, when my husband went to take his shower for work, I opened the bathroom door(As we both often do if one of us wants to ask the other a question and we know we’re just in the shower or something.)anyway, I went in with the intent of asking my husband if he wanted me to fix him some breakfast before work. What meets my eyes on his iPhone, is the “Paused” screen of what looked like naked women. In fact, I knew I saw A LOT of skin. I knew that he was watching porn, also by the shocked look he had on his face. He wasn’t “Enjoying” himself, but he had it on as he was about to get ready to go in the shower so I assume he probably planned to. We ended up having a confrontation. I told him my personal beliefs on how I don’t feel porn is necessary when he has a faithful, willing wife at home. In any case, before he left for work, he grabbed my hands, and looked into my eyes and sincerely apologized. He told me the porn wasn’t worth it. He told me he didn’t want me to have to catch him watching that, and that he did not want me to feel that he didn’t want me. I was very happy to hear this. I know that look in his eyes, and only a couple of other times when apologizing over something I felt was wrong has he looked at me with guilt like that. I accepted his apology. I highly doubt he’ll watch it again after seeing how badly it hurt me. We are very young, I’m almost 20 and he is 23. I didn’t mention our age earlier because I didn’t want excuses made for him as people so often do for younger men. We were engaged OVER 2 years before being married and having a baby, so in that time; if he didn’t want to commit to marriage he had time to decide he didn’t want it. We both talked early in our relationship about marriage and children at a younger age. So nobody felt “forced” into marriage in this case. I guess I told everyone here about this because I wanted some women to see this, and realize that some men DO make this mistake, for whatever reason, but DON’T INTEND to hurt their wives. However, I made it clear to him that it did. I’m pretty sure he knows that if I ever catch him watching porn AFTER he apologized the way he did, there will be a serious point in our young marriage. I always believe that even if I don’t catch him doing something, his guilt will sooner or later add up. And in fact, he had been acting a bit strange and col the past couple days. He admitted he was watching it, but that he doesn’t look at those women and compare me to them. In a way, it bothered me to think of the man I married as a ‘typical’ young man, with no respect for women. He told me that I am not like other girls, I did not marry and have a child with the wrong man. I hope this is the last of our pornography issues. I will do my absolute best to let go and move on from this incident.

  7. Also, maybe it is worth adding we haven’t had any issues with intimacy. A man can be satisfied and still do this. It hurts, and is a low thing to do. We have a great intimate life. So I’m not sure what to blame for this, but I do hope we can move on from this.

  8. Hi I am in a situation at the moment where my boyfriend of 2 yrs has been watching pornography. While he was honest about it in the past when I’ve questioned him he has recently lied about it. The first time I spoke I asked him to tell me when we he failed and he assured me he had it under control.

    He recently added me as his ‘accountability partner’ for an app that monitors porn websites. What he didn’t realise is the app backdated activity and that’s how I found out! I’m at the point where I think the right thing to do is end it. I feel the trust is gone and it hurts me too much.

    What are your thoughts?

  9. Thanks Luke, luckily we aren’t married yet. I’ve decided that he needs to work on this by himself. If its Gods will he will guide us back together

  10. I am not sure this will even be seen since the other posts are a bit older. I came across this site as I was searching for answers and am having a hard time leaving it without commenting.

    I am having the same problem many of you are. Before we married I knew my husband viewed porn occasionally. I knew because he would call me a day or two after and say how guilty he felt and he wanted me to know. Fast forward eight years. I know he views porn. When his work schedule allows it, on a fairly regular basis. He has a bikini girl calendar hanging in his office. A few years ago we went to counseling and this issue was brought up multiple times. He would scoff, get mad, and his defense was that all guys did it, it is a guys right to do it. He never seems/ed to care how deeply it hurts me. I am afraid to bring it up yet again because I know he will get mad and defensive. I hate the thought of living like this for the rest of my life but am too prideful and scared to do anything more about it.

    • Hi Rebekah,

      So sorry to hear about this in your life. It is awful when a man trounces all over his wife’s heart in this way.

      Your husband is right about one thing: all (or at least most) guys do look at porn. He’s wrong that this justifies using it. The fact that he’s scoffed at the idea of quitting, especially in front of a third party, tells me he’s not ready to give it up at all. He believes this is just what men do.

      You have a choice to make: You can either continue living with things as they are (including the tension), or you can choose to practice some tough love with him. I highly recommend you read “7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask,” especially part 3 of the series. I also recommend you read, “When Love Has to Get Tough: 5 Steps for Wives of Porn Addicts.”

      Once you read this, write back and let me know what’s going through your mind.

  11. How did you and your husband get through it? Did you both seek help/counseling? Or was is all through steps you took by yourselves/with each other?

  12. Reading this article has really helped me. I’ve been married 5 years and have found porn on my husband’s phone several times. He knows that I feel like him watching it is the same as cheating. Recently I found tons of pages on his phone. He bold faced lied to me even after I showed it to him. Blamed pop up ads and spam. He swore and promised that he didn’t do it that the phone just had a mind of its own. I am not an idiot. It has broke my heart, my trust in him, and my spirit. I’m only 35 and have been open to anything and never rejected him, although he had rejected me too many times to count! He isn’t interested in sex with me but he watches porn, or his phone does. Not funny btw. I’m at the end of my rope. I’m blonde, tall, thin. I’ve toned, dressed sexier, etc…. Trying to grab his attention and no reaction? He says I’m pretty and he’s lucky to have me. So what’s wrong with me? Please add any comments to help me through this or understand. I see this as cheating and my marriage is on the rocks and he doesn’t understand why! I would normally never take a chance to post anything on the Internet but I’m out of options. Thank you for this article and I’m downloading the ebook now. Signed, dangling by a thread :(

    • I think you are right to be suspicious. I know computers and phones can do wonky things, but multiple pages of porn is not likely due to popups.

      Speaking as a man (a man who regretfully used to watch a lot of porn), on a surface level, one woman cannot compare to porn because porn is a fantasy experience. Kasey, you might be gorgeous by any of society’s standards, but a lot of beautiful women are asking the same question: “What’s wrong with me? Why is he still looking at porn when he could have me?” Internet porn allows a man to look at hundreds of women, as much as he wants, looking however he wants, doing whatever he wants. It’s like a woman in a harem of 1000 women trying to convince her husband that he should only have sex with her. What the man is drawn to is the variety, the novelty, and the 100% customization of the experience. He may love real sex, of course, but in the end real women aren’t as clickable and customizable as porn.

      Plus, porn is solo-sex. Porn promises pleasure without the work of actually pleasing or knowing another person. It is easy pleasure. No romance is involved. Porn conditions a man to love the cheap thrill over the long haul of love-making.

      I say this to shame men. Porn makes a guy feel like a man without requiring him to really be one. He can imagine he’s having sex with the hottest girl on the planet, filling his brain with all sorts of pleasure hormones, but in the end it is all a lie. He knows its a lie, of course. It’s like watching professional wrestling: the viewer knows its fake but he’s asking to be fooled, to suspend reality so he can be entertained for a brief period of time.

      Men should not live in fantasy. They should make love in reality, pleasing the women they’ve married.

      All that said, there are reasons why men escape into porn (beyond just the obvious). For some men, they crave the fantasy of respect, where they feel man enough to merit the dream girl. For other men, they love the feeling of intimacy without the risks of rejection. For some, porn is their big stress reliever, their refuge. For others, it is their way of “rewarding” themselves, something they give feel like they are owed for all the sacrifices they make. Men who want to quit often can’t just quit cold-turkey without first examining their underlying reasons for going after porn.

      For many, porn is a true addiction, something that has messed with their chemistry of their brains enough to where they feel actual withdrawal symptoms. This is not something that just goes away. It takes work.

      Either way, you should find support for yourself in the midst of all of this. Do you have any friends, a pastor, a spiritual leader, or a counselor you can talk to right now?

  13. Luke, thank you for your response! I greatly appreciate it. I have both a male and a female friend that I confide in. The female friend says she agrees that it isn’t right but I feel like she is more on his side. My male friend says to pack his crap and send him down the road. I’m so torn. I tried showing him this page (without my comment) and he refused all denying he had done nothing wrong. It’s sad but a strangers opinion right now means more than anything. My friends haven’t been in this situation and I’m truly torn. I know in my heart that he looked those sites up and he continues to lie to me. I have (with his consent) blocked mature sites from his phone now. This isn’t fixing me and the hurt that I’ve endured. I don’t know where to go from here. Again, thank you for responding!

    • If he continues to deny that he’s actually watched porn, there are a few courses thoughts to keep in mind. Chances are good that he actually is looking at porn (it’s not just a glitch), in which case he will be found out again. It’s only a matter of time before you find more evidence.

      How was the phone blocked? Does he know how to unblock it? What kind of phone is it?

      As more evidence surfaces, you are right to approach him about it and tell him that you don’t believe him. (Perhaps you feel like you’ve already reached that point.) Kicking him to the curb may not be the answer, but putting up clear boundaries with him is important. He needs to know that you don’t tolerate it. Since he’s claiming he didn’t nothing wrong, this shouldn’t even be a point of contention for him.

    • Addicts (all sinners, really) are liars. We don’t just lie to others, we lie to ourselves. We begin to believe our own lies. We want to believe everything is okay even when it isn’t okay.

      For you, I think it would be really good to sit down and think about how best to respond to his sexual betrayal. Without a support system, this can be really tough, but I think it is worth it. There is an excellent video series (and its free) you might like to watch called “True Betrayal.” The Christian counselor who does this series talks a lot to wives who are in the same position as you are in. These videos will really help you to think critically about how to handle this situation. I can’t recommend it highly enough.

  14. Thanks again for replying. I blocked his phone through Verizon parental controls. I even tried the sites to be sure they blocked in front of him. I have still tried to touch on this subject and he continues to deny it. I spoke to a therapist today and she is going to meet with us pending him agreeing. I told him I spoke to her and he just huffed it off to avoid answering. I’ll check out thelinks I just want the truth regardless. The lying is just adding to my grief. Thank you so much!

    • “Allowed”? If you’re asking from a Christian perspective, I would say no. If you lust after another person while making love to your spouse, it is sinful. Pornography seems to encourage that very thing.

  15. That was one of my sins. When my wife did not give me what i wanted sexually i turned to porn…i ask God to help me with what I am doing simply because my wife is not interested period..but i know my flesh has its need and im not going to lie even if i dont want to feel it. ..but thats life for ya…it sucks…what else you gonna do…i hate it because i would have to pray when i am in a horny state which i think its disrespectfull to go to God with anyways..have faith that God will turn this around..and work on your sins…be patient that all i can do..or anyone else…i guess….

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>