13 thoughts on “Husbands Who Watch Porn (Part 3) – When they don’t want to change

  1. Thank you for your articles. I have been fighting my husband for 18 years over this. He swore when we got married he would quit. I found out 13 years later he still was looking at mags and the internet. By accident I came across his pictures. He has since promised 3 times to quit and I keep finding clues. They start when he acts distant and then I find the links in the computer history. I have cried hundreds of times over this and have about cried out.

    He knows how it hurts me and still won’t quit or even admit he has a problem. It is nice to see I am not alone.

  2. This is so sad. I thought I might find a few wives that suffer with this, but I have found countless numbers of us. I am crying as I write this. I haven’t been able to cry since this last discovery of porn on the computer. I found more porn…I have been married for ten years. There hasn’t been a year that I haven’t found it, usually there will be signs, just like Helen said and then WHAM there it is. SMACKING me in the face.

    This last time though about a month ago, hurt me so bad I haven’t been able to cry. He promised that we were going to have a new life. We got pregnant about 19 months ago and have a beautiful little boy.

    We moved out of Alaska, where he said he would get depressed and that is why he resorted to it. I have to say though he always looked at it and we lived in California before that. I just love him so much, and I can not picture being without him. He knew before we got married I couldn’t except that behavior. There was never any misconception. Just him lieing about it. I should have known upon the first time. I think maybe I did. I just wished that if he had me, I would be his desire. He hasn’t been sexual or affectionate since I got pregnant. And before, we were lucky to have created a child.

    He lost his strong desires for me the day I took his name. While we were dating he couldn’t get enough of me. I sure feel duped. I am physically fit. I support him and try not to talk about my discomfort too much. I do talk about our relatioship and what I want and desire. I ask him what he wants and desires. But, he shows me nothing, talks about nothing. All he says is he wants to stay married and that he still finds me attractive. Why doesn’t he want to be physical then??

    I touch him and kiss him, but there is no real response. He doesn’t push me away, but he doesn’t pull me to him either. I feel ugly most days.

    This last time I found his porn, I wanted to take my son and leave. But, we now have his aged mother living with us. I feel trapped. I am looking for a job and have no idea what to do. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to feel the joy I once did. Please, if anyone can give me direction….I just want some advice.

    I wish we could get together in a group. Coffee with kindred spirits sounds so refreshing. People, women that I could identify with. Does anyone know of such groups.

  3. AHHHHH!!!! I am so frustrated, hurt, angry, depressed, sad, etc., etc. Just last night as I was getting on the computer to help our six year old son with a homework project and a “warning” popped up declaring that my browser cache was full and that my computer would not function properly! How is this so? Our office computer hadn’t been used in months! WRONG! Come to find out it had been used pretty regularly. He did skip our anniversary and my birthday. Why do we keep going back to this. Of course, this makes me feel unattractive, unwanted, unlovable, and like I have to compete with all of these other women for my husbands love. All of this, and we still have a good sex life (he even admits this) we have fun together, we laugh, and genuinely seem happy most of the time. This is the only thing we ever fight about! I just asked him a month or so ago if he was still struggling with this and how he was doing, he said fine, no problems at all, so I believed him. Why? I knew he had lied about stopping in the past, so why did I believe him this time? I feel so stupid, I let my guard down. I want to believe him everytime he says he has quit. You are probably asking, why am I not helping him? I have tried, I have given in to his “desires”, his requests, I have done what he has asked me to do (several, several times a day). I have begged him to go to counseling, to go to our preacher, listen to cd’s, read books together (I have read them alone). He decided this wasn’t working so he told me to stop “helping him”, that he has to do this on his own.
    I have a wonderful husband, we have been married for 13 years and we have two beautiful boys. That I am hoping to raise and instill values so that their wives aren’t siting at a computer someday pouring out their feelings. We have a great home, a successful business, a stong background in our church (5 generations), a great sex life, and a marriage that everyone says they are so jealous of and only wish that they could have a little bit of what we have. Just this one tiny, minute detail, that we keep hidden so well and have (tried) to deal with for the last 11 years. You see, this problem came to light to me after the second year of our marriage (right after “The Affair”). My husband has since told me he was first introduced to porn when he was fourteen and molested about the same age. I hate this for him, for us, for our children.
    I know I sound so angry, and I am, but I have also once again, had the same flood of emotions (since 5 pm yesterday) that I have to go through every 4-5 months! I am so tired of this! I have heard it all before, I’m going to quit, I love you, I don’t want a divorce, I do want a divorce, I can’t quit so you may as well leave, I can quit, I don’t want you to leave, Don’t take it personal, it’s not about you, If you would lose 30lbs everything will be fine, I love you the way you are, I am so jealous of the way other guys look at you and it triggers my cybercheating, etc…, on and on and on!
    Up to this point, the only one I have confided in is my best friend, who confided in me just recently that my husband called her husband (we all go to the same church and have been friends for years, they also council young married couples) and asked him how to stop. I thought this was a cry out for help, he has never even taken any type of step. So,when I found the stuff yesterday, I called her and her and her husband offered to come over and talk to us both. My husband agreed to this and things went so-so, he said our marriage was worth stopping and that he can stop it on his own (have heard this before), but this morning he adamantly refused counseling (together or separate), refused books and cd’s, the only solution he came up with was to move the computer to my sons room. I don’t know if this is a solution or not??? He says he loves me and he hates seeing me hurt and that he wants to stop for us and for himself. I love him so much, I don’t even want to think about my future without him. I don’t want to go through this anymore! Every few months, I’m just so tired of it. I don’t think I have the strength to leave him. I don’t want t leave him. I just want him to stop it. How are we supposed to teach our kids when we can’t keep it out of our marriage?

    Wow, what a rant! sorry, this is a first for me, but if he won’t get help I’m going to have to. I want to grow old with this man, he treats me like a queen. I know he loves me and I absolutely hate that this has a hold on him.

  4. I would like to apologize on behalf of other Men with this problem. Maybe that’s not right, but I feel so bad for the Women here.

    I have been struggling with this addiction since I was a teenage boy.

    My Wife and I have been working through it for the last several years, and I have made major strides, but cannot say that I am completely free of the pull.

    I cannot say anything to make you feel better. All I can do is say that I feel badly for you. I did this to my Wife, and though she works with me on this, I have never seen her feelings put into words. The messages from Women here help me to understand how I have affected my Wife.

    Please take care of yourselves.

    God Bless.

    • Hello Mike,
      Thanks for writing in on behalf of the husbands. As someone who has struggled with this in the past, I believe that we are never really free of the pull towards pornography. It is always there. I remember the words of author Andrew Comiskey on this: “I have discovered that God does not free me from all my weaknesses. Rather, he frees me to cry out to him as I struggle to do what is right. Then he is faithful to release his power again and again and again.”

  5. I thought I was the only one that felt hurt and degraded by my husbands use of porn. Admittedly he doesn’t use it all the time but when there is perfectly good sex at home I don’t understand the need to look at other women. He says its not the women but the act and that he needs to get off, but then why would he look up MILFs and girl on girl if the girls themselves didn’t excite him? It feels like he’s cheating. If I stared at naked men in order to get off, he’d feel hurt. And all of the looking at porn affects our bedroom life too. Hes rough and inconsiderate about what I want. He talks to me like I’m a whore and he makes me feel used. I stopped having sex with him when it started to get out of control and he began spending every second that I was at work looking at porn sites. Why can’t I be enough??? Why can’t he want to make me feel good instead of making me do what he wants even when it hurts me??? I can’t stack up to those women and I know it. Those videos give men such an unrealistic expectation of what women want, no wonder the plastic surgery rate is so high and womens self esteem is so low. We feel like we have to measure up to the plastic barbie dolls in order to be attractive. Why get married if you want something different? Why do we need to compete with that?? Can’t we just be enough???

  6. I have been struggling with this for almost 8 years. I knew my husband looked at porn before we got married. We were in a long-distance relationship and I told myself that was how he filled the void. He’s not a regular user, he binges. Serveral weeks at a time might go by without looking, then he’s shoulder deep in it and acting out. it has ruined our sex life. He seldom wants me. There are a million excuses – he’s too tired after working all day, I don’t initiate sex enough, etc. Half the time we do have sex I feel like a prop, I know what the other women here have all felt – unattractive, lacking, depressed, helpless.

    When I tell my husband how it hurts and affects me, he says I have no idea how it affects him, torments him, etc. I tried to explain that I feel helpless because there is nothing I can do about it, the choice isn’t up to me but I still have to deal with the aftermath. He said to stop acting like a victim. He has NO IDEA how this hurts me. Of course I care about what it’s doing to him, but he has the choice to do something about it, to strive to get free of it. I am emotionally exhausted from this…

  7. I had no idea that there were so many women going through the same terrible issues as I am. I have found stuff on the computer over and over. There is always the excuse of..someone else used my computer, I don’t know how it got there, it was in a file I was downloading, all of which are complete lies. He has only admitted to it one time. The only reason for that is because it was a site he was paying for and I found it on a bank statement. He never really told me all of the truth because he told me that he only did it one time and it was a different month than when the account was created.
    I feel so angry all of the time. I don’t trust him at all anymore. He won’t talk to me about it and I feel like he is always sneaking around and looking at porn behind my back.
    I never noticed his actions but after reading some of the responses here I can now identify with his weird behavior. It was one year ago that he admitted that he had did it. He said, he did it because he was bored. Gosh…I feel so stupid. I know that he is still doing but I can’t get him to admitt it. He told me that he never wanted to tell me because he knew that it would hurt me. I can’t get over this because I feel like he has never been completely honest. I just don’t know what to do anymore. It is affecting the way I am with our children as well as myself. I feel as though there is no light at the end of the tunnel….I feel so lost….

  8. For those who may not know there is a group SA just like AA or NA – 12 steps to recovery. Sexual Addicts meet and get a sponsor. Then their spouse or partner meets in a seperate group for those who love somone who is a sexual addict.

    http://www.sanon.org/

    You can order the 12 steps and working the program book. Women find a group, go if your husband wont go you go. It will help you learn how to handle it and approach it, you will be amongst women who have been there and it helps you be strong and empower you. It is hard to confide in a family member or friends because it is such a secretive addiction, amongst these women you can talk, cry, read and learn. Take care of you, take care of you!

  9. Does anyone know of any resources on dealing with the lies and manipulation around this issue? My husband and I have been married for over 4 years and he has struggled with this for more than 10 years. After catching him countless times and going to counselor after counselor, he manipulates most of them (including the current one) that it really isn’t a problem, that I am “crazy” for the pain and anger I feel, and that since he apologized before (though he continued to act out) that is all he needs to do, and its my fault that I haven’t forgiven him and that our trust isn’t fixed yet. I’m struggling with staying in the marriage when I can tell that he is not “broken.” Me finding proof doesn’t seem to matter when he just lives a lie to everyone else, making me out to be the one with the “real” issues. The issue just seems to keep getting bigger and more complex, and I’m getting worn out trying to stay with his unrepentant heart. Any advice is welcomed as the videos, articles, and radio talks here have been so helpful.

    • Dear Tired in Chicago,

      Thanks for your question. No doubt many wives are hurt just as much, if not more, by the lying and manipulation around this issue. I won’t pretend to understand the pain you are experiencing, but I do know many women can identify. You are not alone.

      No doubt your husband needs to be confronted with the gravity of his awful deception. A good counselor ought to be able to see past his maneuvers if he goes for more than one session, but from your description he also sounds a good manipulator.

      The best advice I can give is reach out for help from those who have been there or have experience with this problem.

      You may want to visit a counselor personally so they can help you work through some of this pain and help you formulate a plan for how to successfully confront your husband. For good Biblical counseling go to NANC.org to find a counselor in your area. For a more secular approach, visit AASECT – The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists.

      You might just want to talk over the phone with someone who understands and can give sound advice. The ministry of Faithful and True has phone coaching groups for women. They are an excellent ministry with years of experience in this issue. In addition you can also try the phone ministry of the Heart to Heart Counseling Center, a group that had helped many, many women.

      You might also look into joining an online forum to talk to others who have been through similar situations. New Life Partners is a Christian group dedicated to offering support to wives. Their website also is full of recommended reading, testimonies, and online resources. Another forum, PornAddictHubby.com, is very similar, also full of good resources.

      For good reading, go to PureIntimacy.org and read, “What to Do When a Spouse Refuses Help.” There are a number of good articles on that website geared for women in your situation, plus of number of articles that he could benefit from. You might also like Meg Wilson’s book, Hope After Betrayal, or Debra Laaser’s, Shattered Vows.

      I hope this helps, and I pray your husband is granted the grace of repentance.

  10. I guess I am most worried about the downward spiral of pornography leading to an affair. My husband has gone from looking at clips, to trying to contact local women. About a year ago, I almost left him, and now, we have a fancy new computer, and I just recently installed CE, and woke up this morning to a deleted browsing history on the computer, and generated the report to find he went on another networking site to see local women. I know we need help, we are young in marriage with 2 small children, I just don’t know the best way to confront the issue.

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