I recently read a brief article by Dr. Phil called “Is Internet Porn Cheating?” I’ve reprinted the article in full below:
- It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.
- Consider how it makes your partner feel. If it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it’s gone too far.
- Pornography isn’t real, it’s a fantasy. It’s makeup, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone! It’s also somebody’s daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. She’s demeaning herself, debasing herself, humiliating herself and she’s being exploited by people who are funded by you. It is a sick, demented, twisted world. It’s not healthy, it’s not natural and it’s not normal.
- Viewing Internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level.
- You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship. Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship.
Ask yourself or your partner:
- Would you do it with your partner standing right there?
- Are you turning outside of your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship? You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, so find out if you or your partner have a problem.
- Do you justify the behavior by saying, “It’s harmless,” “Everyone does it,” or “It’s just the Internet”?
- Does it intrude on your relationship?
- Which is more important: pornography or your relationship?
I really appreciate Dr. Phil taking a stance like this. So many counselors and psychiatrists are trained to never say always (few counselors today will put a foot down and say that pornography and cybersex is “always” wrong). It is refreshing to read advice like this in popular media.
I was married to a porn addict for 40 years. It started the day we came back from our honeymoon. There was little to no sex and if he didn’t get his fix, he was too crazy to live with. I found it over and over and over again. He masturbated so much he cut off the blood flow to his penis. Pills worked at first but he ended using them for his pleasure and killed his penis altogether. I gave him time to change. He didn’t. I left. I could no longer live with someone who made me feel worthless, unloved and ugly.
Also I’m not for porn or against it I’m just saying you’ve probably got a bigger problem in your relationship than porn your just using that as a distraction from the real issue you don’t want to acknowledge communication is key to any relationship an trust me porn is not the issue some people can become addicted to it and it can cause problems like ED because his stimulation becomes visual not touch work around it try new things it’s not hard to work him away from porn to yourself but you have to put forth the effort for him and him vise versa for you or hell watch a porn together spice it up a bit for y’all that does get fun an this is coming from a woman who is happily married with an enthralling sex life that porn won’t ever come between thank you
Really people let’s get real here men watch porn hell some women watch porn it’s nothing but a thing and if you let porn come between you and your husband to the point of separation then you’ve been looking for an excuse to leave anyways. My husband watches porn some men have watched porn since early teens it just is your man will still love you he’ll still lay with you if he’s made his vows with you or is in good standing as a boyfriend to you an still lays with you when your ready for sex leave the porn alone y’all are using it as an excuse to get mad about when your probably the reason he doesn’t confide his needs to you probably because you always say no or I’m tired or not right now or another excuse your man wants to please you an please himself to if you say no he’ll turn to porn at least he’s not turning to a chick next door
That is so not true…
I had an 8 year relationship with an porn adiict who I had sex with daily and he still cheated
Now I found myself yet in another relationship with one who jerks off with porn and hardly get any…asked if I would do myself due to low sex drive
I think women need to wake up and not excuse this behavior like as if we are their cause for it.
Today I made the decision to leave the love of my life, his excuses were the same- it’s normal- all men do it, etc.
When he said no one tells him he can’t watch porn, it’s harmless was the last straw. Having him get texts and emails from the sites and the pictures I found on his phone made me sick, then try and turn the tables on me- it’s my fault I went thru his phone. A very sad day.
I am so, so sorry. What a very sad day indeed.
Even though this is so hard and sad, though, I want to commend you for your courage. And I want to thank you for coming here to share with us this step of incredible strength and bravery that you’re taking. It is so difficult to leave a relationship with someone you love. But sometimes it is just necessary to allow that other person the consequences of their choices.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Praying peace and healing for you, Kay
My husband has been looking at and downloading porn. I have asked him many times why. He said they do weird things. But, my problem is he masturbates watching them. Should I feel degraded,cheated on, and feel Idont do my part as his wife? Cause I do feel that way. He told me he would not look or download no more. He is still doing it. He has lied twice to me. How can I trust him to be faithfull in our marriage. When we do try to be together, most of the time he has trouble keeping it up. Is it porn use or his age of 43. Please any advise. Troubled marriage!!!!
Hi Diana. Well, the first thing I’d say is that there is no “should” about how you feel. Your feelings are your feelings. It’s really common for wives to feel exactly the way you’ve described here. As far as the erectile dysfunction goes, I’d say it probably is the porn use, unless there is some other medical condition present. ED is a very common side effect of porn use. I don’t know if you can trust him to be faithful or not. Some men only look at porn; others escalate into acting out with other women. You’ll want to think carefully about the boundaries you want to have around this issue.
Here’s an article you could pass along to him with some ideas of how he can take responsibility for his recovery, if he is willing.
We have lots of resources for you here, as you consider what to do next. Here’s a list of some of our best blog articles for women. You might also appreciate our free downloads, Porn and Your Husband and Hope After Porn.
I would say, you need to get some support for yourself, as well. Personal counseling is a good option, and many women find groups really helpful as well. S Anon is a good option for spouses, and some women have also found Al Anon to be useful. Celebrate Recovery is a program many churches offer.
Yes, it’s cheating. Yes, you should feel pain. My husband is finally going to help himself out. BUT, he has to admit it, and want help.
my wife has no problem with me watching porn. i watch it daily only to masturbate, because she doesnt have the time to always have sex with me every day and i respect that. i am not an addict. dr. phil is only pandering to an unintelligent audience and telling them what they want to hear. i am quite certain dr. phil has no clue what good sex even is. why would i follow sex advice from someone who doesnt have a good sex life themselves?