The Safe Digital Family Challenge

In the 1960s, psychologist Diana Baumrind identified two essential qualities for raising healthy children: “parental demandingness” and “parental responsiveness.” Using these two qualities, she and her team developed a grid for understanding parenting styles:

• Authoritarian parents demand a lot from their children, but they are not very warm. Some are abusive, but many are simply rigid and harsh.
• Neglectful parents give their children neither structure nor support. They simply aren’t present at all.
• Permissive parents are very warm and responsive to their children, but they demand very few things. These parents might be called “pushovers,” allowing their child to follow every whim and impulse.
• Authoritative parents place high demands on their children, but they are also responsive and often explain the rationale for firm decisions. They don’t indulge their children but love and affirm them with warmth and tenderness.

Our goal as parents is to be Authoritative—safe and understanding people for our kids to come talk to about difficult issues while also guiding them (firmly when necessary) in godly growth.

Unfortunately, many Christian parents tend to fall into the trap of being Authoritarian, especially when it comes to issues of sexuality. (Since it’s the most common parenting type among Christian parents, we’ll focus on it here.) There are many reasons for this.

For one, many churches have avoided discussing sexuality beyond stating that it’s reserved for marriage and anything outside that is a sin. Parents may assume that general teaching is enough for their kids and fail to offer any further information.

For another, many parents themselves grew up under this parenting style. Even if they want to do better, they may not know how.

Finally, there is a lot of shame associated with sexual sin, especially in church settings. A parent who catches their child watching porn may overreact out of the shame of feeling like a failure for raising a child who would sin that way.

Regardless of the reason a parent is Authoritarian, kids in these homes start to believe their parents don’t care about them. When outside pressures come, they bottle it up—thinking they need to “suck it up”—or they seek refuge and solace elsewhere.

In the face of sexual temptation, kids with Authoritarian parents may cling to the judgment-free, affirming, sometimes anonymous embrace of sex or pornography. In other words, legalistic parents unwittingly chase their children into the minefield of sexual sin.

So, if you’re an Authoritarian parent, how do you move towards being Authoritative?

Here are a few starting points.

1. Own your failings. If you have a conversation with one of your children that goes badly, admit your fault in the matter. Apologize for it. Reach out and repair the connection with them.
2. Be proactive. Admit to yourself that we live in a world where sexual temptations are out there. Teach young kids the proper names for body parts. Tell them why you don’t want them watching porn (beyond just calling it a sin) and how you want them to respond when they do see it. Teach both your daughters and your sons how to respond if someone tries to touch them inappropriately.
3. Celebrate your kids’ successes. People gravitate towards people who make them feel good about themselves. If your kids did a good job on a school project or performance, or if they went out of their way to do an extra chore or help a sibling, give them a high five for it. If your child admits to doing something bad, even if it’s something you clearly stated as wrong, praise them for their honesty even if you still have to discipline them for their behavior.