Beth Davis’s Story: Jesus Set Me Free

Like so many people, I was exposed to pornography at a young age—maybe eleven or twelve. I wasn’t looking for it and no one showed it to me. I stumbled on it accidentally. 

I knew instinctively that it was not meant for me, but my curiosity was inclined to pornography. From that first encounter, a pervasive sense of guilt and shame invaded my life. I began to seek it out regularly.

From the outside, nothing changed. Life went on. I attended Mass every Sunday, competed in speech and debate, and performed in local theater. I was an eager student and had many friends. But the deep shame and insecurity I felt drove me to hide and self-medicate with porn and masturbation. 

In high school I became involved in my church’s vibrant youth ministry program. I don’t remember hearing about lust or pornography in talks or sessions for the girls. It seemed everyone assumed porn was a guys’ issue. I didn’t know any women who struggled with pornography so, naturally, I believed I was the only one. This misconception only furthered my sense of shame and isolation. It felt like there was something wrong with me, that I was disgusting or perverted. 

I kept this secret part of my life for years. The shame suffocated me and the cycle of self-abuse continued. I didn’t know how to stop, and I had no one to turn to.

Until I met Jesus. 

Encountering Jesus

I encountered Jesus as a Living Person for the first time in my high school Confirmation program. There was something so different about people who know Jesus personally, and I was surrounded by them. I was inspired by my leaders’ joy and kindness; they cared for me. I started reading Scripture and praying.

I fell in love with Jesus.

At the same time, I was suffering under the weight and the shame of pornography and masturbation. I had this dark thing in my life—it felt very disintegrated to me. But over time and with all gentleness the Lord called me deeper and deeper into His heart, into freedom. More and more I wanted Him to be my whole life.

By God’s grace, I wasn’t afraid to admit my struggle with pornography when I went to Confession. The heaviness of my sin and shame were a constant companion, so I was grateful to have this anonymous, confidential place to unburden myself and receive Jesus’ mercy and forgiveness to start again.

Continuing the Struggle

Even so, for many years I didn’t have any hope of freedom. I didn’t know it was possible. When I did hear someone share about pornography, it always included a caveat: I fall, I’m human. So I assumed that I, too, would struggle against this for the rest of my life.  

But with the grace of the Sacraments and a deepening prayer life, pornography had less and less of a grip on me. I experienced longer stretches of sobriety, but I continued to struggle for nearly 10 more years. 

I had no vision for total freedom, and I couldn’t imagine what healing would look or feel like. And I had very little support in my struggle. Something in me believed deep down that because it was my fault, because I chose it again and again, there would be no help for me. 

But by the grace of God, I brought my struggle again and again to Jesus in the Sacrament of Confession.  

Experiencing Freedom

A very wise priest once heard my Confession while I was working at a Catholic summer camp. We took a leisurely walk from the kitchen to the meeting room, and after confessing my sin he counseled me that masturbation was a “sticky spirit.” He told me to be on guard because lustful spirits tend to glom onto us and encouraged me to be vigilant. 

Suddenly a light came on.

This is the reason I couldn’t get free from this. Apart from my own weaknesses and desires, apart from my addiction, there’s a whole spiritual dimension to this struggle that I hadn’t seen. We have an Enemy who wants us to stay in bondage. And he uses our wounds to do it. 

And as a child I hadn’t sought out pornography, pornography had found me. That was a wound. And through this wound, a demonic spirit had gotten a hold of me. Every time I fell into this sin it strengthened the bond. But Jesus vanquishes those spirits and washes away sin and shame. 

After being prayed over by a priest, I realized after a few weeks that I hadn’t felt tempted, nor had I been triggered by anything even suggestive. And now I understand that there are demonic spirits of pornography and masturbation, that I couldn’t do it alone–Jesus had to deliver me. 

Twenty years of Confession primed the pump for this miraculous moment. It wasn’t that single prayer that finally amounted to my freedom, this was just the moment that the dam broke. The Lord completely delivered me and set me free, thanks be to God!  

My life is utterly different from that day. My body feels different. I think and see differently. Not only did Jesus set me free, but He right-ordered my sexuality. My desires had been so entangled with and influenced by things that I’d seen and read and by our pornified culture, but Jesus is the restorer of innocence and the healer of memories. 

And that beautiful restoration continues to this day. Now I want to talk about it and pray for people to be free every chance that I get. I firmly believe that my miracle was not meant for me alone. It is a sign of hope that Jesus will do it for you, too.