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How does it make a wife feel when her husband looks at porn?

Last Updated: May 20, 2014

Luke Gilkerson

Luke Gilkerson has a BA in Philosophy and Religious Studies and an MA in Religion. He is the author of Coming Clean: Overcoming Lust Through Biblical Accountability and The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality. Luke and his wife Trisha blog at IntoxicatedOnLife.com

Today, as Internet access has become more common, pornography has only become more prevalent. Over half of divorce cases today involve one party having an obsessive interest in Internet porn. More and more men withdraw from real intimacy with their wives and into digital worlds of fantasy. This is not merely a statistically significant problem. It is a heartbreaking problem.

When your husband looks at porn

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April Speaks…

One rainy, October night I was home alone and Darren was in one of his classes. I’m not sure why I looked at the history on our computer: I guess I wanted to prove my gut instinct wrong. What I saw that night changed me forever—it changed me as a person, as a woman, and as a wife. I scrolled through hundreds and hundreds of websites that proved to me that my “godly” husband was just as broken as all the men in my family…

Each time I caught him he got better at hiding it. Each time I caught him I died a little more on the inside. My respect for him was dying, too. We were both hiding who he really was because neither one of us wanted to face the truth, albeit for different reasons. My reason was pride. At the end of the day, I didn’t want anyone to judge me, my husband, or my decisions…

I thought his problem was because of me. I was the one from the troubled home with all the baggage. Maybe if I was skinnier or taller or blonder or more endowed he wouldn’t need to do this anymore. I honestly believed that I was the damaged one. I spent those 10 years trying to change for him, trying again to meet his needs in every way. Surely, I could find the combination or the cure that would get rid of this issue forever.


Cindy’s Speaks…

I’ll never forget the first time I walked in on my husband looking at Internet pornography. Immediately my heart sank, and I remember this sick feeling wash over me. The thought that began to plague my mind instantly was, “How will I ever be able to compete with her?”

If I think about that day I can remember exactly what the woman looked like. How she was posing and what her facial expression was. I would tell you what she was wearing but that’s just it…she wasn’t wearing anything. She was very well endowed and made me look like I was just about to get my first training bra. Her long, gorgeous, blonde hair cascaded over her shoulders but not enough to cover up anything.

I knew my husband, Chris, struggled with lust because we’d been married for five years. His admissions seemed to be vulnerable and honest but I’d later find it was just a smokescreen. I didn’t realize how hard it would hit me to walk in on him in the middle of him fulfilling his lustful moment.


Laura Speaks…

When I finally scanned the history on Ryan’s computer, I found some images that he had recently viewed. Even though I wasn’t surprised, I did feel freshly hurt and betrayed. I felt the familiar rush of jealousy, of wanting to look intently at every two-dimensional woman to discover what she had that I didn’t have, what she did that I didn’t do, or what she was that I couldn’t be. I clenched my jaw and set my heart in disgust towards my husband: my heart was filled with bitterness toward this man who wasted our time, energy, and resources on lust while I worked so hard to take care of our family.


Nicole Speaks…

NicoleI discovered pornography on my fiancé’s and my computer three weeks before my wedding day. We weren’t living together, but he was over to my house frequently. I grew up in a pretty conservative home with an idealistic vision of marriage and finding porn on our computer was quite shocking to me…

…I continued to discover porn on our computer. A well of fear and desperation led me to confront Jon about these activities. At first he denied them. He had explanations for everything I found, and I wanted to believe everything he told me. Yet, something didn’t quite add up, and I would push him until he acknowledged that he had in fact visited the porn sites. This led to seeds of distrust from the very beginning of our marriage—not only my distrust of him, but of myself and my instincts

Read their complete stories…

Download the free e-book: Hope After Porn: 4 women share their stories of heartbreak…and how their marriages were saved.

  • Comments on: How does it make a wife feel when her husband looks at porn?
    1. Gee mathias on

      Am not married yet though am in my twenties but i think am a porn addict,i ve prayed and search all possible way 2 stop it but no way,pls help me..Am shy 2 share it 2 any1 4 help cos i might spoil my rep..Pls help.Thank

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        @Gee – Thanks for stopping by. I highly recommend you check out any of our free e-books. They will really be able to help you start the process of sorting through these tough questions.

    2. Jerry Sinclair, Faithful & True on

      Luke,

      Great article, very powerful. Every man needs to read this!

      Gee, you can contact our ministry for help and direction too. 904 443 0246 You can’t win this battle alone.

      Jerry

      Reply
    3. sapphire on

      i’m sure most women could tell if/when their husband had been in porn–their husbands are/seem less sexual with them…we/they know. My husband KNEW I was pregnant BEFORE I did because he said i felt ‘larger’ inside. When I thought i was pregnant, he knew i wasnt because i didnt change inside…we would usually have sex at LEAST 3 or 4 x a week..Our daughter is 17 years old now, and i’m HOPING she finds a man who isnt messed up with porn since its all over these “SMART PHONES”.
      I heard it even causes impotence in young men! and they NEVER function normally again

      Reply
    4. sapphire on

      THANKS FOR GIVING Gee mathas that number—-i would HATE to see young men caught up in this….even women might turn into lesbians thru this filth..

      Reply
    5. diamond on

      I don’t really see a problem with porn if its in the right contexts. I think that there is a huge difference between being addicted, and just occasionally watching it. I am a male and also uniquely a very good communicator. I tell my wife everything and communicate everything with her. We watch porn together sometimes, and it turns us on/relaxes us/gets us in the mood. We think it is erotic watching other couples have sex, and it gives us lots of ideas to try out for ourselves. And this is not something I make her watch. She willingly asks me if we can watch porn together pretty frequently. And we are both okay with it.

      I think that anybody who thinks that porn is the root of all evil really needs to understand how to put things in context.

      Sure, husbands sinning if they are lusting over other women alone, but I think that some men are just curious, or their wives don’t make love to them enough. Either way, I think that the best way to deal with the situation of catching your husband in the act is to communicate with him, and offer to watch the porn with him. This breaks down the barrier and will surely open him up to you more. At least this way, he will want to talk it out more.

      The worst thing a wife can do is act like it is a devilish evil sin, and play the depressed wife/ guilt trip. Guilt will most likely not help your husband change his ways, but I assure you that showing him some empathy and understanding, and willingness to listen to him in a loving way to find out why he is watching porn is a great way to help him change.

      Anyways, I wont act like I know it all (I surely don’t). But these are some things I have learned over the years, and I think that this can help wives with their porn-crazed husbands.

      Reply
      • Bird on

        “The worst thing a wife can do is act like it is a devilish evil sin…”

        It is a devilish evil sin. It changes the brain chemistry of the viewer. It works just like a drug, and they develop a tolerance to what they are seeing and need something a little nastier to get the same rush. Porn ruins..RUINS…marriages, not just for the viewer but for his/her spouse too. I think this was a naive comment, frankly.

      • ash on

        I must say I partially agree with you Diamond and Bird both arguments are partially correct. It just depends on the individual or shall I say couples situation. There is a huge difference in watching pornographic material every now and then, everyday or multiple times a day. Watching it everyday is an addiction, and is WRONG. Using porn as a substitution for your wife/husband is also WRONG, ie: giving your partner less attention. Get professional help to help identify where the problem lies. I personally watch porn every now and then,

      • Dan T. on

        I think the take away here is the communication aspect and the willingness to talk and be open and accepting. Here is a part of my story, I was struggling with Porn, my wife confronted me, I grudgingly admitted the problem, resolved to stop, but the impact on my wife was sever. She was physically ill of some time, did not eat for 3 days, barely talked to me for over a month (short of necessary polite communication, and forget about sex). I was porn free for 2+ years when I first slipped up and relapsed, I did not dare tell her about it, I was scarred of the results so I tried to recommit and move on. . . only it has not worked very well. While I can avoid porn for several months at a time I can see the pattern in myself as I consistently fall a look at porn again, and again. I am scarred to tell my wife again, I am scared of her reaction, and what it will do to her. I am trying to stop but I am not being very successful. I am open and honest in all other things with my wife but this is one point where I’m terrified. I know I have a problem, and it really is me, but I think if my wife’s attitude had just a little more compassion, and willingness to communicate and work with me instead I think it would be better for both of us.

      • Christine on

        Wow….so sad. It is totally cheating. It doesn’t bother you? That she is fantasizing about having sex with these other men and or the women and intensely desiring to? This is actually demonic. The best thing ever is getting delivered of demons of lust and perversion is amazing….God delivered me. I can now focus on my man and get pleasure from just him….which makes him feel wonderful. And I feel fresh and clean. To be the sole desire of another (truly forsaking all others) is fabulous. Lusting after others makes me feel nauseous now. I was totally addicted to lusting before. After other men and women….thank you Jesus for delivering me!!

    6. ash on

      My husband does it as well, we even watch together and I am fine with it because it doesn’t change either of us we’re still very much attracted to each other, still satisfy each other sexually and are still veryyy much in L O V E(:

      Reply
      • sharon on

        @Ash .. that will change in ur future he will in up cheating on you. Pornography comes from Satan and anything from him will never have a good ending. Its his way of tricking people into hell. Even if u do have it great together the devil will get u one way or another. When ur husband sees a girl that looks good like those porn stars and the door opens for him, he will walk right thru that door and u may never know it

    7. Stephanie on

      My ex husband is a porn addict. We were married 17 years until it was completely destroyed. For years and years, I never thought I was good enough. I would then “up my game” and still never good enough. I did and tried so much just to try and please him. It made me feel utterly worthless. He divorced me eventually on the grounds that I couldn’t sexually please him… And I believed it. That I had no worth or value, and that after 4 kids and 17 years I had nothing of value to give to my husband. He told his family and my family that sex was so bad with me that that was the reason he turned to porn. Two years later after divorce I am healing. I have learned so much about myself and learned to love who I am and I see the worth in myself. He recently got married and apparently told his new wife the same, that sex was so bad with me that he turned to porn, but it was great with her. Until she recently found him viewing porn, and a history of it in the Internet to last a lifetime. Now… This new wife has to deal and struggle with the same issues I had. I completely feel for her. She is devastated. There is no picture or video in the world worth destroying the people you love with.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        It’s so good to hear that you’re healing after your divorce. It’s such a powerful thing to get past those lies and find yourself in a place of freedom! I really appreciate your sharing that voice of encouragement for women who are coming along behind you in similar circumstances. Even when your ex can’t heal, YOU CAN! Thanks so much for sharing that incredibly important message. Kay

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