Should my wife be my accountability partner? The experts give their answer
Covenant Eyes Radio – Episode 66
In a recent survey we found about 30% of our members have their Covenant Eyes Accountability Reports sent to their spouses. But we often get questions about whether a woman should be her husband’s accountability partner, specifically in the areas of lust and pornography.
I had a chance to ask some of the nation’s experts this very question. We spoke with:
- Joe Dallas, author of The Game Plan and Program Director for Genesis Counseling
- Fred Stoeker, co-author of Every Man’s Battle and Every Heart Restored
- Mark Laaser, author of Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction and founder of Faithful and True Ministries
- Amy Smalley, co-author of More Than A Match and co-founder of Smalley Marriage and Family
In short, these experts all gave the same answer: No. Listen to this podcast to find out why.
See also: “Should my wife be my accountability partner?”
I can’t get podcasts 64, 65 or 66 to load to my iPod.
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[...] recent podcast from Covenant Eyes addresses this by asking experts in the field. The answer across the board is: [...]
Our experience has been that it has worked for my wife to receive my accountability reports. We don’t sit down and do a Q & A as in an accountability check-in type atmosphere. At the same time, the level we get at is how I’m feeling and overall how are things going.
My wife wants the reports because for her, it helps build trust and she sees a daily example of my effort to stay pure. She also gets to experience the victory too.
Developing good accountability partners has been a long road and full of hard work, but it’s worth it.
I can’t imagine that going through a weekly gestapo interrogation of a husband’s activities is going to help a recovering wife.
@Peter – We’ll notify the iTunes folks and let them know. Sorry for the inconvenience.
@J – I agree. It all depends on what sort of “accountability” relationship you envision having with your wife. Receiving Internet reports is one thing. Doing a soul-searching Q&A is another.
We have not yet signed up for Covenant Eyes, I am on here looking it over. There are two things I wanted to say about this article though. As J mentioned, I feel like I want to know where my husband has been so that I can rebuild that trust that I have lost, but, on the other hand, when he does go to some questionable places, with me as the only person he is accountable to, I hear, “I am REALL sorry, I shouldn’t have gone there.” Which is true, but if he had someone else to be accountable too, it might not be as “easy” for him.
@Sabrina – Thanks for your comment. You are right. Joe Dallas mentions this at the beginning of the podcast: “I don’t personally believe in a wife being a husband’s accountability partner, but I do believe a husband is accountable to his wife—and that’s not a contradiction in terms.” Mark Laaser mentions it as well: “The husband is accountable to the wife to stay sexually pure, but I don’t think the wife should be a part of his network such that she’s engaged at the same level other men are going to be.”
Their point is that a man should, of course, be open with his wife about his struggles and make every effort to show his progress, but he needs a network of men who will do the hard work of accountability. This is key: real accountability is engaging. Healthy accountability is encouraging and compassionate, but not passive or enabling. It is aggressive against sin, but not legalistic or condemning. Accountability is about finding real brotherhood.
You are right to want to encourage him in his fight, but ideally he needs other men around him who will be his regular encouragement. One of our videos mentions this: a woman can really be relieved knowing other men are receiving her husband’s Accountability Report, knowing they are going through it with a fine-toothed comb, knowing they are helping him be a man of integrity.
@J – I found this quote from Focus on the Family’s PureIntimacy article, “How to Develop Effective Accountability.” Thought you might like it:
“The spouses of partners who struggle with sexual sin and addiction are severely stressed, and should not serve as their partner’s primary accountability relationship. Often, based on their discovery, they struggle with invasive or compulsive images of their spouses acting out, and additional information will only harm them further. Equally important, the addict has only one spouse and her role must be safeguarded. Accountability partners can be found elsewhere. Both spouses and the accountability partners need to understand that the partners stand in proxy for the spouse during times of disclosure, serving the marriage as well as both husband and wife.”
@ Luke,
Good post. I like that part about the accountability partner standing in proxy of the wife. That’s huge. That also lines up with what I’ve read and heard through counseling about how disclosure works as well.
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