About the author, Carl Stewart

Carl Stewart is the author of the Amazon Kindle bestseller, The Porn Antidote: God’s Secret Weapon for Crushing Porn’s Grip, and Creating the Life and Marriage You Dream Of. Carl is a counselor and coach in an overflowing private practice where he works with men and marriages devastated by pornography and sexual addiction. He has advanced training and supervision in Emotionally Focused Therapy–the most empirically validated marital therapy which is uniquely suited to restoring marriages affected by sexual betrayal. Carl is a speaker at men’s events, marriage retreats, and parenting seminars. Check out Carl Stewart’s website and blog at www.thepornantidote.com.

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Hope After Porn

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Porn use (and even adultery) doesn't always mean that a marriage is over. Get this free e-book to read how four betrayed wives found healing for themselves and for their marriages.

51 thoughts on “3 Reasons Deception is More Destructive than Porn for Your Wife

  1. This is one of the best articles I have read so far. During my husband’s first disclosure, he told me a lot, even things that I did not want to hear. But, in a weird way, through all my pain, I felt relieved. I always knew something was wrong but, I never knew what. I was devastated but I was very happy that he was telling me the truth. But after his truthful disclosure, he went right back to “protection” mode, with lies, half-truths, lies by omission and I feel…every deception trick imaginable. I sometimes discover the real truth and his response is usually, “I didn’t want to upset you.” Of course my response to him is, “What you really mean is, you didn’t feel like dealing with my reaction, right?” And then, we are back to square one and, I feel that I have been betrayed all over again. I would much rather hear the truth, even if it causes me pain because, at least I feel as though I can trust him. We have been riding the emotional roller coaster of recovery for a long time now and, he just doesn’t get it. I am going to let him read this article later. I hope it helps. Thank you. I think your article is fantastic because…it’s all true!

    • Hey Jeanie. Can I ask, does your husband have a counselor? Sounds like a CSAT therapist would be helpful–someone who understands how to push past the denial. And, do you have a counselor just for you? So many times, I see wives not getting the help that they need to process emotions and build healthy boundaries. Dealing with recovery long-term can be so traumatic to a spouse–just want to make sure you’re getting help! Peace, Kay

    • I’m glad this helps in some way. The pain of repeated betrayals is brutal- every time a little trust builds up it is demolished. I pray that the Lord works in your husband to do what is probably terrifying for him to think of- be honest and clear even when it hurts you.

    • I whole heartedly agree with your comment and the article itself. I am now in marriage #2…second verse same as the first. This time I have been married 9 years next month and have just dealt with it longer than in my first marriage. My first husband blamed it ALL on my…my current blames it on his past and his inability to be what I want him to be (in a negative sense…like I want perfection) but what he gives me is not even close to what I believe ANYONE deserves in a marriage…its the porn, the money, the alcohol, the bank account, and credit cards, and lavish purchases and spending as well as all the money he throws at people to bail them out of their crap. I finally got the courage to ask him for a separation. I have a daughter and I have the Lord…so I am trusting in my individual counseling, I can gain some rest and recovery from the undertow I have been in for over 7 years and in our counseling together, to find the answers we need…primarily, is he willing to fight. I am willing to wait, but this time he needs to do the work and do it on his own without my constant KNOWING that I am being deceived. At least now, I can watch from afar. I could add so much more to that, but I just wanted to let that breathe.

    • This is probably the best I’ve ever read on this subject. And I’ve studied a lot! Trying to understand myself and what’s going on psychologically with ME, after deception. Most writings give insight into understanding men and betrayal. Not often have I read anything that speaks so accurately to women and so perfectly understanding of the psychological effects of living in a post betrayal, continually deceptive environment. Praying for complete freedom from this trauma.

    • I am desperate for help in my marriage of almost 22 years. The way we are heading because of me not being there fir my wife in her healing from my sexual sins we may not make it to our 22nd anniversary. I read this article and got deeply convicted bit i need help and i need it soon. Can anyone please help me before i loose the best thing that has ever happened to me second to my relationship to God. Please help

  2. This is the most accurate article and the most important article I have read in relation to my addiction. Every husband who is suffering with the addition of lust and pornography needs to read this article and then read it again. The greatest damage to a relationship comes from the lying and the deception. I know this to be true because my wife told me this ” more than any of your sins of lust, pornography and all the acting out, what hurt me the most was that you lied to me over and over again.” Yes the TRUTH will set you free! Thank you Covenant Eyes and thank you Carl Stewart!!!

  3. Tears, to see in words, what has has been the story for so many women, and men that have had to deal with the psychological abuse from their spouse over addiction. Thank you for the article.

    • It is deeply sad to see couples suffer through the results of deception. I’m thankful that there is still a path to healing even when there has been so much devastation.

    • This is one of the best articles I have read. Yes, the pain of repeated betrayal is brutal, crushing, faith shaking…. Now what?? How many times do you allow (as a wife) for this pain to be repeated?! How many chances do you give your “repented” godly husband another chance to crush you again? How many times do you continue to cling to God believing and praying for change only to again have your heart slaughtered and disappointed again?

  4. All the articles on CE are wonderful and helpful. But I have to say, it is always a breath of fresh air the hurt partner’s feeling and pain to be validated! This was spot on! My husband has been on the porn wagon even before we were married (I didn’t know it at the time), but I found out shortly after we married. So it’s been 20 years of this roller coaster. And I finally got to the point of no longer feeling **anything**. I told him the ‘light’ went out, and that our marriage was completely dead. We have separated, and it’s been 9 months. I just want to hit a few spots for those who are in my shoes:
    1. The article is very true that the pain is in the betrayal and lying about it. BUT, that being said (and I know an article can only address so many things at once), after 20 years…..there turning back to porn (and it’s very real consequences, in our case, of losing his job because of it) will be just as damaging, even if he comes clean.

    2. Jeanie, I feel your pain! I wanted off the roller coaster, so I told him he had to leave. No, it doesn’t get rid of the porn, but it got rid of dealing with him on a daily basis (trust me, after 20 years, porn has greater affects than just the pain of lying, a husband will treat you as a second class citizen).

    3. I know that a man (or woman) turns to porn because there is a big gaping hole in their needs, that will never be filled by their partner! They need help to know where that hole is and how to let it heal.

    4. Please, please, please, any woman out there who is getting counseling from a couple who has been in your shoes….if this is a first time offense, I would say give it a go, BUT if you’ve been dealing with this for years on end,get professional help!!!! We had a couple counseling us, since the church believed that any believer who is versed in God’s word could counsel…..this is NOT true. I didn’t think it was possible to hurt any more than I already was, but the counseling I received was very damaging. Regardless of what your christian couple counselors tell you, if you have red flags, or they are not allowing you to feel you pain and express it…get the heck out as fast as you can!!! I kept being counseled that I had to forgive (which is true, but should be done in MY timing), BUT that I had to be the best wife I could be, including the physical part. NO, NO, NO!!!! They were totally against any boundaries, and just kept telling me again and again that I was sinning! This is NOT counseling this was bondage. Do not feel guilty! Run from anyone counseling you in this way!

    I know that was not very positive, but I pray it may help someone else! I know I can’t be the only one who has been down this road. As a side note….It’s been nine months of separation, and God IS using it to bring healing, and for Him to do the work that only He can do. My husband is making progress, though I will say that I have no patience whatsoever with the fact that he is still looking at stuff. BUT that being said, he is making his own boundaries, it is getting better, and it is helpful to know that your husband WILL relapse (it’s part of the process). It has been helpful when he is honest about it. There is hope. I still do not know if our marriage will stand, but there is hope for getting over the pain and hurt! Hang in there!

    • Hi Kerri,
      Thank you so much for what you wrote. Other wives need to hear what you said- your experience. Unfortunately- well intentioned attempts to help from the church can be even more wounding and destructive

      I’m glad to hear that the separation has been fruitful. God never wastes pain- and He is patient with us as we heal.

    • Angela,

      I feel your pain… that cycle is a nightmare. I was in that storm, trying to be a good wife, trying not to give up on my marriage. There is a certain amount of empathy necessary to be in a healthy relationship. When someone is detached enough to injure and reinjure endlessly I personally think it’s time to take a step back… Set boundaries. I don’t know what that will look like for you but I can speak from my experience… writing you now, removed from the storm, in God’s perfect peace, even without transformation from my husband.

      In my case of 14 years of psychological, emotional and verbal abuse and a continued addiction ensuing, I did the unthinkable. I felt stirred for the first time by God to let my husband go… to let him go to his creator, to the one who knows him best. I asked him to leave the house. I thought it would be scary to be alone, I thought I’d feel embarrassed before others, I thought the workload of the house and kids would crush me… none of this was true. I joined a support group called Heaing Hearts at Mariners Church in Irvine Ca and God met me, consoled me, became my Father/protector and Romancer/companion… my everything. I felt weightless, I fell on my knees before God and he gave me clarity, and vision into the spiritual world and the real enemy ruling my husband’s thoughts and actions. With the correct opponent sized up I’m now going into action against the forces of darkness and praying for my husband’s full salvation.

      I’m reading The Armor of God by Priscilla Shirer. It helped immensely in recognizing the root of this storm. Satan takes satisfaction in our weariness, in our being battered while in his storm. We’re tormented, unable to see clearly, find peace or be powerfully used by God. He is “the adversary” Job 1:6. He is the tempter, Matt 4:3; Thes 3:5. He is the father of lies, John 8:44. “He seeks to distract you, discourage you, divide you from others, and disable you from experiencing everything that is rightfully yours as an adopted member of God’s family. He wants to terrorize you until you are rendered incapacitated, miserable and incapable of living in the benefits of a victory that has already been won.” We must be able to discern this disruption and be alert and on our guard against the true enemy.

      Praying for you, that you would hear God’s voice and take comfort in where he leads you as you trust him only. He is your shelter in the storm.

  5. This article is spot on to exactly what I have been telling my husband for over 8 years. I can deal with anything he has thrown at me but I can’t deal with the lying. It has destroyed our relationship, my trust in him and/or in most people for that matter. Sexual addiction and the trauma it has caused in my life has changed me in a way that I never though possible. Thank you for putting in to words what I have been feeling for so very long!!!

  6. Wow! A man who understands! I have been trying to communicate these same concepts to my husband for nearly 4 years since D-day. The emotional roller coaster described has now turned into physical health issues for me. Nearly constant fear of the next ‘slip’ or ‘relapse’ has been the cause. Only 1 week ago I had to go through this process AGAIN after I caught him. This led to the typical self preserving denying, minimizing, justifying and compartmentalizing that I am forced to endure to get to the truth. I don’t know how much more of this I can subject myself to. I will ask my husband to read this and pray he will have an epiphany. On a side note: these responses by wives and partners are the results of Betrayal Trauma; clearly explained in another CE article by Dr. Skinner. I only hope more professionals will begin to understand that wives and partners are clearly suffering due to their husband’s and boyfriend’s sex and/or porn addictions.

  7. This is a very destructive force that is affecting peoples lives. I work as a CSE Child Sexual Exploitation Project work and educate in schools about the risks of becoming addicted to Pornography. I believe this is not just a physical stronghold but more so a spiritual stronghold. The devil is no fool and targets the mind of people who are addicted to porn. The brain over time gets rewired and like one who is hooked on drugs you are trapped and can’t just walk away from it. There is a very clear link between porn usage and Child Sexual Exploitation. Over time the ability for porn watched at the start of its usage to stimulate the user diminishes and this cycle leads to more deviant behaviour and many have gone on to watch more violent abusive porn that is degrading to women. Not just that but also indecent images of children. This is a downward spiral that will take you further into the pit of sin that it represents. Men who are consumed by watching porn need to be spiritually set free in Jesus name and this will only come through true repentance which means a change of heart and direction. A choice has to be made about what they value the most. Their family or their habitual use of this destructive mind altering demonic lead force that has ensnared thousands of people. It really is time for men to rid themselves of this third person in their relationship.

    • Thank you for your response. It is definitely a heart issue and will never be changed without Christ being the center. I’ve been dealing with my husband porn, lies, and a BLATANT DISREGARD for how porn has effect our marriage. I no longer trust him at all or any man. I am broken down and realize only the living God can change any addiction. But you have to want it changed. Until men realize the damage, stop blaming everything else and take accountability it’s never gonna go away. Even in the garden they passed blame but ultimately they still were kicked out. I’m tired of begging, pleading for my husbands sexual attention and getting rejected because porn has such a grip on him. I’m tired of feeling not good enough visually or any other way. I’m tired of my needs not being met because he’s selfish about meeting his own. I’ve jumped thru every hoop put before me to draw him away from this demonic sin but ultimately it’s his heart. When you look, welcome, lie,deny any sin in your life is going to consume you. This sin seems to be considered the norm for our society. Men aren’t running from it, there embracing it, not holding themselves accountable. It’s adultery no matter how you wanna view it. God’s word makes it clear. To deny that already shows that your heart is in the wrong place. I pray for every woman going thru this because this seems to be every Woman’s battle!! I pray for the men who are earnestly wanting to be out of bandage to be BOLDLY HONEST with your wife. God gave her to you,she really is your biggest supporter.
      Draw on Jesus together, fight for your marriage, not each other.

    • AMEN. I have heard so often (even from The Pulpit) that “David looked upon Bathsheba” as a continual excuse for lust. Apparently they bi-passed Job who made a Covenant w The Lord to punish him if he Ever looked upon a maiden with lust in his heart. God help us all! My husband lived a double life until I found out 36 yrs in. After nearly 5yrs of my own recovery I can truthfully say… A man with that level of deception is Untrustworthy & Unsafe PERIOD. Reprobate as The Lord says in His Word. Any Redemption will be between him & God. He “played” at recovery…the NarNarcacissm ssm is his God it appears.

  8. As the husband in this situation, I am still stuck on the lie of self protection. I am seperated, and still unable to not make it about me. My relapses are few and I immediately tell my wife – even though all my old temptations of lying, minimizing, denying pull hard at me, I have been able to not give in and to tell her. I now know my bigger sin is making her feel guilty about our situation. I continue to hurt her by not protecting her and appearing to be the good guy. I am the guy in the movies who everyone thinks is a great dad, husband, neighbor, but the wife somehow finds out he is secretly a killer. She sounds crazy as she tries to tell everyone and feels unsafe and fearful around him. I am that killer. I don’t set out to be and I deny it. My hope is that I can figure out how to protect her instead of me. It may be too late, if it is, she is beyond justified. I have changed who she is. She was an innocent trusting loving person and I have taken innocence away. I am working to change and repair what I can and I am in counseling as well. I am not the good guy- my wife is the wonderful, patient, great woman who deserves much better than what I have been.

    • Shaun, I want to encourage you to press on. Have you surrounded yourself with the right weapons to keep you protected and accountable? Is she surrounding herself with the right care during this trying time? God is for you! The cross of Christ gives us hope and healing.

      Peace,
      Chris

    • Mattie,

      I feel for you. I’ve been through a 14 year marriage of straight betrayal. In fact my husband lied to me in order to get me to marry him. I felt so trapped and deceived.

      It’s been 2 years since I asked him to leave. I was destroyed and rageful at the years he stole from me. In this time alone I’ve sought out God for my healing like never before. God showed up… He actually revealed Himself and His love for me and it is beautiful and real. He showed me His plan to use me in my husband’s life. My husband is dispondant, Satan’s foothold is firm. So God and I have joined forces haha, my prayers and his angels, to break this stronghold. I see Satan and his plan and I see God and his plan. I don’t see my hurtful husband anymore. I prayed for new vision to see the spiritual realm.

      These plans are the same in every scenario of sexual sin and marriage. I read Captivating, it changed my life. We as women are called to be life-savers/givers of life, ezer kenegdos. The good news is this entails zero injury on our part! From my peaceful place I forgive my husband, freeing myself from Satan’s snares, and I pray for my husband’s full salvation, for the strength of God’s angel armies as they go on full attack on his behalf, for God’s ultimate plan to take effect, for the Holy Spirit to open his eyes to a fuller life in Christ, not just honoring to me but to God as he furthers His Kingdom on earth. Big plans. I love God’s big thinking!

    • I’m so glad you were able to make healthy choices for yourself. God never asks us to be abused or to be slaves to the sin of another person! Thank you for sharing this message of hope and freedom.

  9. I’m sorry, but this doesn’t address deception as a coping mechanism for a wounded man. A wounded man will continue to run from the pain his wife is causing him, even if that means by deceiving her. Is it wrong? Yes. But it’s the same cycle as suicidal thoughts: I want to get out of this pain, but I know it’s wrong. I would love to see a blog post on that subject (not suicide, but coping with poor treatment from a spouse by wishing to act out sexually).

    • Hi Job, thank you for the suggestion. To help me understand better, as you’ve struggled through this, have you discovered any healthy alternatives to acting out sexually when in that situation?

      Peace, Chris
      Covenant Eyes

    • Hey Job and Chris,

      I think we’re all assuming that everyone commenting with struggles in sexual purity is sold out for Christ. I think the first question should be where are you in your walk with the Lord? Have you let him into every room in your heart? Do you ask Him for direction in all you do and say? Is he your everything? Are you putting Him first? How much time a day do you devote to seeking Him… His guidance in your life and His protection over it?

      I’d be so bold to say that no one asking for help on how not to lie has sought full surrender in Christ and answered to Him first. When we know that God is our total security, when we have the confidence that God loves us and called us His own we don’t fear what our spouses will think of us when we tell them truth. We aren’t living for their acceptance. If every man here found completeness in Christ, if they loved themselves as much as God loves them, I think these comments would sound much different. I think all of these, yes all of these inquiries about how to engage with spouses could be solved w/ a deep reliance on God and following through with how He calls us to take risks and live in love and die to self. We need a deep walk with the Lord for advise, books, support groups, & counseling to be of any help. It’s so simple, put God first… don’t just say you do. Hold His commandments high, put on the armor he has given you, and fight this spiritual battle with his weaponry. Every question on this page will be solved. Christ himself will work in you.

  10. This article just spoke everything that I have felt and thought. One of the things that I pay the most attention to is the lying and the deception. More times than not, I already know the truth and I just wait for that moment for him to either tell me before I address it or wait for him to tell me the truth once I address it. Some people say things like “it’s a small lie” or “it’s not the end of the world”, well to us who have to constantly deal with a lying spouse, it’s like the end of the world. I tell him to think about his response before he responds to me. I have on occasions told him to think about how he will respond because he knows that I can find the answer or may already know the answer. So there have been cases where he had no choice but to tell partial truth but he still did whatever he could to hide the rest. That thing of accusing him of doing something I suspect, but then I get fought off with “I’m trying” or “everything will be an issue” or even those tears is just real. I have thought of myself crazy or “maybe it’s me” on too many occasions and even when I found out about gaslighting, I found myself still doing it. The starting over, we grow, then we go back to start. One thing I learned with dealing with my first husband’s drug addiction is to watch the addictive person’s actions and what they say. I can use his own words against him because the story changes so many times. This is a tough place to be as a wife who wants nothing more than a healthy marriage and to please God. This article just spoke volumes and I thank you for getting it!!!!

  11. This article is truly amazing to see in words. It’s everything I have felt for the last 6 years finally put into words in one article. Too bad it’s coming too late for me and my husband, I’very already requested a divorce and I could never trust him again. I wish, out of the list of 13 counselors we tried, someone would have said some of these things.

  12. Reading this actually made me cry tears of relief. Relief that what I’m feeling and going through is not absolutely crazy!
    I’m feeling so much of this and I’m just so relieved to know that other women feel the same as I do.
    I wish there were more resources for women out there and from some different perspectives. I’ve been reading a lot of books, even ones from the wives’ point of view and while I’ve found some of the information helpful, I’ve always felt that much of it didn’t pertain to my situation.
    May I be completely honest here? I have a hard time identifying with many of these women because, frankly, it seems as if they’re all very pure, sexually speaking. Not one of the women whose stories I’ve read have admitted to having sexually impure thoughts or having struggled with any of it themselves. I realize it’s more about her feelings of betrayal, anger, hurt and I definitely still feel all of those things, but many of them have given the very strong impression that sex is something her husband wants and needs, but for her, not so much. It’s pleasant when it’s happening with an attentive and loving husband, but not something she thinks about much or needs in any real way. And, she certainly doesn’t have any temptations with porn, herself; she’s simply disgusted by her husband’s desire to indulge in it.
    My story is a little different. I’ve never been sexually pure, so I don’t know what that’s like. I was sexually abused as a very young child and my entire childhood is colored with sexuality. As a teen I was very promiscuous and my husband and I were married when I was 16 due to my pregnancy. So, I was “damaged goods” going into our marriage.
    I can’t tell the whole of it here, but my marriage has not been like theirs and I haven’t been pure like them. I’ve struggled with my own sexual sin while also feeling the hurt, anger and betrayal of my husband’s. The only difference is that he has continued to look at porn and hide it and lie to me while my acting out occurred while I was still young and immature. Our marriage was very rocky in the beginning – we were both just kids and we acted like it. We were absolutely awful to each other. It’s a wonder we’re together at all! However, I confessed my wrongdoing to him many years ago, but he still doesn’t confess to me until he’s caught, when it comes to porn. So, I really understand the “…there is always more to discover,” feeling.
    But my recovery is impeded by the added guilt of my own sins. Not only do I have the normal anger, hurt, resentment and sense of betrayal, but also a strong sense of guilt. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy, feeling ugly, fat, undesirable, unwanted, wondering what is wrong with me that he has to look at porn, but underlying all of that is a deep feeling of shame and questioning whether I brought this on myself. Am I being punished for not being a good, pure and faithful wife? Maybe he’s never going to be able to stop because I’m not like the women I’m reading about; their husbands can recover because they’ve been good, faithful and virtuous wives while I’ve been impure from the beginning. Guilt and self-loathing have become my constant companions along with this gnawing feeling that there’s more that I’m going to find out.
    I didn’t actually intend to write all of that – I just wanted to say that this post was very meaningful to me in terms of helping me to see that many of my feelings and thoughts are the same as other women have felt and it helps to know that, at least in that respect, I’m not alone. I hope I can find more resources geared toward women in general and maybe some things that I can identify with a little more.

    • Hey there.

      Your story just breaks my heart. I want to say first of all that being a survivor of child sexual abuse does NOT mean you’re an impure person. I do understand that you acted out as an adolescent, but as a therapist, I would see that as simply a continuation of the abuse that you suffered as a child. Did you make choices? Yes, I know that you did. But you were a CHILD, an ABUSED CHILD.

      And more than anything else, A PRECIOUS CHILD.

      You are still a precious child today.

      And none of your choices diminish your worth or make you undeserving of love and support.

      I think therapy would be enormously helpful to you. Find a counselor in your area who’s experienced in treating the trauma of child sexual abuse. Look for a trauma-focused support group. Check out the online support resource, Bloom.

      You might also like to read Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk’s wonderful book on trauma: The Body Keeps the Score.

      Peace to you, Kay

    • Wow- thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad the article helped provide some relief. Coming out of a home where you experienced ongoing sexual abuse beginning at a young age really messes with the mind. The shame of the abuser is absorbed by the one being abused- and it becomes a constant companion.

      I have great respect for telling your husband when you fall short- that you have control over. I hope that he will risk to do the same for you.

      Patrick Carnes has a great book that may be helpful in untangling some of the damage from growing up in an abusive home: “The Betrayal Bond”.

  13. Being constantly lied to about practically everything and being constantly rejected/rebuffed and made to feel like a rapist or a pervert because of a physical need and desire which
    1.) GOD Himself put in me, and
    2.) I waited for until marriage also = death by a thousand cuts. Just saying.

  14. True- God Himself put the desire to have sex in us..and He called it good. Waiting for marriage puts you in an unfortunately small category. Longing for this kind of connection and being demonized and rejected after waiting for it cuts to the core.

    In all of my work with sexual addictions, I have learned that nothing happens in isolation. It is never as easy as “stop doing that”. You have to address the wounds that lead us to escape into these dark areas. You have to address the wounds for the wife AND the husband.

    Praying for healing for you.

  15. How do you get your husband to tell you the truth, I have tried everything and nothing works. I goes well for a couple of months or weeks and then its back to squire one. I have given him all the articles in this website to read and then it goes better. I talked to him, cried, yelled set ultimatums and its like he doesn’t care what it does to our family or to our marriage and honestly I don’t know if I can take it any longer……….

    • You can never control another person, or force them to be honest and healthy. That is the sad reality we all have to face at some point.

      However, you CAN control your own choices. Look honestly at your situation, at the impact it has on you and decide: what do I want my life to look like? Then create healthy boundaries for yourself that build the kind of life that works best for you. Here and here are some articles on boundaries to help you start thinking in that direction.

      When you make changes in your life, you need support! Find a counselor who can help you, find a group, and check into the online resources at Bloom for Women.
      Whatever your husband chooses, you can make wise, healthy choices for yourself.

      Peace to you,
      Kay

    • I agree, boundaries are key for a person in an unhealthy relationship. The book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is a good place to start.

      I asked my husband to leave the house and gave him over to God. I then took my focus off of my husband for the first time and put all my energy into pursuing God. I’m putting on the armor of God to fight this spiritual battle, and He is bringing peace and protection over my life. I would also encourage you to take your eyes off of your husband and focus all of your attention on your walk with God. Your husband is falling for Satan’s tricks, and Satan happy to use him as a puppet to bring about pain and destruction. It’s Satan you need to take up arms against. Satan doesn’t want you to realize this, he wants to keep your husband in a dark tailspin and you in utter frustration. Ultimately he want to keep this divide between the two of you and this repeting cycle of faults and hurt and mystery propelling all involved in a downward spiral… Eyes off of God. When you see the spiritual battle you’ll rely completely on God to fight this battle for you… The only way to overcome this type of warfare. Trust God, as you “be still and know that he is God” ask him to intercede for you, pray his angel army will come down and break Satan’s stronghold, and be steadfast in asking for restoration so that you and your husband can not only heal but be used for a mighty purpose to further God’s Kingdom. When you let God go to work on what only he can do he will honor you and the desires of your heart.

  16. Shaun….”Worthy of Her Trust” by Jason Martinkus is one of the best resources.

    Kerri…Your comment was so insightful. Maybe you should write a blog for CE.

  17. Worthy of her trust was the first book my sa husband brought home read and asked me to read. He said trust is most important and that he was worthy. 2 and a half years later he still lies. And just says he is making progress not profection. He may not be paying prostitutes or having affairs anymore ( of course I can’t be sure) but i still catch lies. When will it end. Less and less Love left

  18. As a recovered sex addict I find the article fascinating and very helpful in identifying exactly how exacerbated my Wife’s trauma. The problems I have are:
    (A) telling the truth. I lie by default. I always deny. Ok you say – stop it. As a person who has had this trait since childhood it is very very deeply ingrained. And I do it without thinking. Any ideas for stopping
    (B) how do I respond when my wife is hurting after being triggered. I just don’t seem to get this right.

    • Richard,

      (A) Go to therapy and work on the lying. Work on what you’re protecting with the lies. Do the deep work that truth-telling requires.
      (B) When your wife is not triggered, ask her how you can best respond when she’s hurting. What does she want? Here’s an article about building relational trust, with research-driven information from John Gottman that might help.

      Hope that helps,
      Kay

    • I hope this is received as intended, in love. I felt nudged by God to respond. As a wife of a porn addict I ask you to first look at your relationship with God. This is key… All of your questions will be perfectly answered by Christ as he speaks to your heart. Are you a believer? Are you pursuing God’s call on your life? Do you wake up each day and ask God to guard your heart from Satan’s arrows and give you the courage to protect your wife’s heart? God has created you to be her spiritual warrior. Do you believe in spiritual warfare? Satan is using pornography to corrupt your mind and win your soul, and your lies to destroy your wife and cripple her walk with God, rendering you both ineffective to being useful to help in God’s kingdom on earth. When you realize you are in an actual battle for YOUR LIFE and commanded to protect your wife’s, your perspective will never be the same. God wants you to first seek Him, and seek Him constantly. He wants you to surrender all you are and all you do to Him first… yes, before you are accountable to your wife. He even asks for you to surrender your sexuality to Him. When you consistently lay down your life and ask God to forgive you for misuing your sexuality that he gave you and for hurting your bride that he gave you, he will open your eyes. He’ll enter your daily walk, convict you of certain things and guide you into deeper relationship with Him primarily and secondly grow in you an empathetic heart for your wife.

    • A) & B) solutions offered by Kay will never work without a fully surrendered heart & deep relationship with Jesus Christ.

  19. This article is spot on from the wife’s perspective from what I personally experienced. I do wish it spoke to the husband’s lies as not only destroying the wife’s heart, but first and foremost their relationship with God. When they are playing God they can’t attenpt to be the men they were called to be for their wives. I’m a born a again believer… my husband is Catholic, and he lied to me through 3 years of dating and 14 years of marriage. I experienced psychological and spiritual abuse as I tried over and over again to accept someone who was burning me, claiming they were walking with God and telling me I should be a good, forgiving, Christian wife each time. He never got help though I begged him to throughout our relationship. At the mention of internet protection he said simply, “you can get it for you but I don’t need it.” Two years ago I asked him to leave. His dad told him to go to my church’s support group and he did. I have not seen a new spiritual walk. He’s been living with his parents and I’ve been raising our 3 young kids. If anyone who is reading this has any Godly discernment on how to navigate these waters I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you!

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