Why Watching Porn Won’t Fix My Marriage

I think we will start off by stating the obvious. If you are desiring to watch porn to fix your marriage, that means there is something that needs to be fixed. Using porn to fix it points to the assumption that the bedroom is where you may be having problems.

husband wife looking at each other

Intimacy Is a Common Problem in Marriages

Intimacy problems in a marriage are not uncommon. They are very real and difficult issues that tear many couples apart. The bedroom typically is where intimacy problems tend to reveal themselves in a marriage. This is where we are most vulnerable and exposed (no pun intended).

All too common the problem in marriages is true authentic intimacy. The mistake that many couples make as well as society in general is that intimacy equals sex. It seems to make perfect sense that watching porn together would improve your sex life, and you may be thinking that extra stimulation or new methods is just what the doctor ordered.

But the truth is that watching porn together (or separately for that matter) is actually the worst thing you can do for your marriage. If your wife was just some object to be “used” or was a “thing” you wanted to use for your own pleasure, then watching porn may actually work. But that’s not what your wife (or husband) is.

Related: 5 Ways Sex Gets Better After Giving Up Porn

Your Divine Partner

Your spouse is a person. And not just a person, but a man or woman of God. A divine partner, given by God, to bond with. A person to bond with emotionally, spiritually as well as physically. In other words intimacy. Having your wife were sexy lingerie does not make her transparent to you as a person. New and creative sexual positions do not help you learn who she as a person really is or help you to see her as the beautiful woman that God created.

If you’re a woman, the man playing out a scene from a porn clip as an aggressive stud who can control you isn’t going to make you see the man that God created him to be, nor will it make you see him as the gift God has for you. This behavior will not reveal a man that shows respect to his wife and cherishes her every thought, every hair on her head, and truly cares for her heart.

For a man the number one goal is to help his wife become more like Christ, and for a woman the number one goal is to help her husband become more like Christ.

Culture of Objectivism and Selfishness

Porn creates a culture and behavior of objectivism and selfishness. Porn in time makes each partner see the other one as a something for their own pleasure rather than see themselves as a gift to their spouse. Additionally, from a physiological and biological standpoint, the porn you are watching creates confusion in the brain.

When consuming porn, your brain dumps dopamine to create a link and a memory to the activity as the desired pleasure rather than creating a link to your spouse. Also while watching porn the brain floods the brain with oxytocin. This serves to bond you to the porn image rather than to your spouse.

Then when you go to your spouse your brain is confused because in the past it has linked to images on the screen for the source of sexual connection. This additionally creates an instinctive perception of your partner as an object as your brain is being trained to view sexual images and experiences exclusively as something for your own pleasure. No mutual connection, no intimacy.

Related: 4 Ways Porn Kills Great Sex in Marriage

These behaviors and traits that your brain is learning will only make your partner feel more emotionally distant than they already are. It will also create a reduced self-worth of both partners, thus furthering the problem you’re having to begin with.

Two Joined as One

As I stated in the beginning, true authentic intimacy is what you’re probably both craving. All couples, and all individuals, crave this. As humans, God wired us for intimacy. He wired us to desire to be in union—spiritual union and emotional union with others.

True authentic intimacy is what is missing in most marriages. I know it was in mine, and it is in many others that I counsel. True intimacy reveals transparency in both partners. Intimacy is scary.

Most of us don’t want anyone to see our true selves, the person inside that feels inadequate or unworthy. But the result for both partners to reveal that to each other and still be loved is more powerful that the best sex you can ever imagine. Porn is no risk and no real reward. Intimacy is risk—it’s scary—but the reward is tremendous. When you and your spouse connect in true intimacy, with transparency, then you desire to unite with each other as “two joined as one,” and the sex is secondary. The real joy is the emotional union and the union of two souls. You literally “feel” joined.

So maybe you’re saying to yourself, “So where do I get it and how does it work? “ A basic overview of the building blocks of intimacy can be found at here.

Gift of Self

In a nutshell, the general focus is to be a “gift of self” rather than a “gift to self.” Look at Jesus. He gave himself completely for his bride—the church, which is us, mankind. Christ took nothing. He only gave. We mankind, in the image of God, are one of love, mercy and sacrifice. Marriage is the union of man and woman under God, an earthly reflection of the Holy Trinity—a bond that cannot be broken.

If both partners live with the mindset of love, mercy and sacrifice while using the building blocks of intimacy—the gift of self, a safe environment, emotional bonding, and unity—then this makes viewing porn to fix your marriage like putting cement in the gas tank of your car because it isn’t running right. It not only won’t fix your car, it will make matters much worse.