Hope After Porn

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Porn use (and even adultery) doesn't always mean that a marriage is over. Get this free e-book to read how four betrayed wives found healing for themselves and for their marriages.

28 thoughts on “Hope After Porn: “Grasping for Air, Hungry for Grace”

  1. Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story. It truly is amazing how strong the Lord is when we are weak. He is always there to lift us out of the dark places that we either find ourselves in, or put ourselves in. I know that the Savior does heal, He heals what no one else can when we are willing to let Him into our lives and help us. There is not anything better than hearing experiences about healing through the Savior! The church I belong to also tries hard to help families prevent pornography from entering the home and showing the way to forgiveness to those who have found themselves in its trap. In particular there is a short video of a family (whom has a similar story to yours, actually) and an article about protecting children from pornography that comes to mind that I would like to share. I hope you get a chance to look at them and I would love to know your thoughts when you do (: Again, thank you so much for sharing and for the example of your strength in turning to Christ!
    http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/mormon-messages?v=3736551143001

    https://www.lds.org/church/news/new-fhe-lessons-help-teach-children-about-pornography?cid=HPTH110614463&lang=eng

  2. Did it ever occur to you that maybe you were not giving Darren the hot sex all men have fantasized about since they were 10? Every man wants creative dynamic dynamite sex that leaves you tired and worn out in the morning. If you had provided that on a regular basis, he would have been so focused on other things rather looking at sex in a cold screen

    • Hey Dele,

      Good question. Actually April did do that. She talks about it somewhat here. It was then when she realized that her husband was more drawn to porn than to sex: what he wanted was the endless novelty, the variety, the clickable and customizable experience that Internet porn provides, the experience of pleasure without the need to give or tend to the desires of another person. No one woman can complete with a lust for that kind of pleasure.

    • You need help. I cannot believe what you said. Your words are absolutely and totally a lie from hell. It isn’t about her at all. He is the one with the problem.

    • Good God, all this righteousness, all this condemning people, really, I do not understand that people expect the Lord Almighty to say after their passing: no problem, you didn’t watch porn, so you passed the exam, come into heaven now! Let’s get one thing straight: I do not like the reaction of Dele in any way, but dear God, the reactions to his reactions, and the whole atmosphere of this website, the stories, really, what a waste of time.

    • Although, I really appreciate this and can whole heartedly relate. The software really doesn’t track everything, not by a long shot. I think the idea of the software is great but does not prevent or track proxy site use or the porn that can be found on YouTube or another social media platform. I wish there were something more dependable, for the accountability aspect.

  3. Thank you so much for sharing this story April…it will give hope to those struggling with the same demons. I was addicted to Pornography but didn’t know it until I had lost my wife, children and job. It was only until I realized the gaping hole it created in my life that I could admit to myself, and the Lord almighty, that I had a problem and needed help. It allowed me to begin the long process of repairing my damaged family. That was twenty years ago…I’ve been happily re-married to my original wife for 15 years, and now look forward to seeing my grandchildren on Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays at my children’s homes. Don’t lose hope! If you want to fill the void of a gaping hole you’ve created, set your mind to it and let the lord guide you through it. God Bless.

    Phil Ashio, Bethesda MD

  4. I actually divorced a man due to porn addiction (among other, actually more profound issues). Like most pure porn “addicts,” (and I hate to label bad habits that are not physically addicting as addictions), his begavior was extremely problematic to his life. He spent thousands of dollars on porn, he could not maintain a job because he spent so much time surfing porn, he greatly preferred porn to real human interaction, etc. I think looking at porn in general is a perfectly normal, even healthy thing if done in moderation. Drinking a conservative glass of wine every night yields measurable health benefits. Drinking a bottle every night is problematic. There is a difference. A 13-year-old boy sneaking peeks at porn magazines is extremely normal. And if you feel the need to drive 40 miles in the rain in PJs to your husband’s job just because you found porn on his browser history, then you are setting unrealistically high standards that most men cannot live up to. Sex addiction programs are full of two types of people: Those with hardcore, life-mangling sexuality issues who have a genuinely hard time functioning in society. And those who just go strictly to please their spouses and roll their eyes the whole time.

    • I guess it’s a good thing Darren found a change of heart in all of this—he stopped being the man who rolled his eyes at therapy and decided he needed to find freedom from his nagging addiction. Now he teaches others how to find joy in their lives without porn.

      The real reason why she drove 40 miles in the rain to see her husband was not just the porn. It was the secrecy. This is what many wives find so traumatizing: that the men they thought they could trust are suddenly no longer trustworthy.

      In one sense it should be “normal” for women to expect a man to look at porn—at least in the sense that most men do look at it. In another sense, it is not a behavior that should be normal at all. Porn is fundamentally flawed: it rips sex away from its relational context and packages it in pixels—it commodifies and industrializes sex, much the same way prostitution does. It objectifies its makers and thus teaches its consumers to objectify others.

    • Porn is not normal it is sexual immorality and dehumanizing of women. Watching other people have sex is a perversion and a destroyer of the intimacy you should be working on with your spouse.

    • Marie, I am so saddened to hear your view on the matter. Looking at sin is not “perfectly normal.” It may be popular because society has made it the norm but it is a problem of the heart. Scripture tells us so in Matthew 5:28 “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” I never heard of a man, or woman for that matter, look at porn and there not be a lusting for the object in the photo, or the not so modestly dressed woman walking on the sidewalk that leads to wandering eyes. Porn has even been proven that it cannot be done in moderation. Just because someone isn’t sitting down at a computer or magazine doesn’t mean it isn’t crossing their mind. Scripture also tells us that in Matthew 12:34b “for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.” It doesn’t take long for the things we try to hide come out. And it makes no difference in age either. Unfortunately Darren was introduced to this sin at a young age. He might have even had hopes of changing when he got married, many men do. But April even had the same issue with pride. She tried to keep it all afloat but finally when she could no longer do it on her own she left. She stated she hid that pride for years. We know pride comes before destruction. In her world everything was just about destroyed but through Gods grace He was able to work on Darren at that time which in turn she was able to be worked on by God. This is a well written article because it doesn’t pose blame on one particular party. It shows grace, given by God, to heal and to nurture a marriage that was broken. And i am sorry that you endured a rough marriage. I am not saying this to pretend I know all your circumstances. I hope you are healing through faith and grace.

  5. This is nothing more than and ADVERTISENT for software that is nothing more than spyware. Men look at porn. Get over it. My wife knows I look at porn, but she doesn’t leave me because of it. This “story” details a woman leaving her husband because he committed the dastardly act of watching porn. Porn can be degrading to women, but porn is nothing more than fantasy. My wife knows I masturbate. Yes, i said it! I masturbate, and my wife knows it. She knows that because I look at porn, she is in control. Why? Because i tell her what type of porn i watch. Then, she laughs it off. Some porn is degrading to women. That is an issue we should all address. But porn watching is DEFINITELY not a reason to leave your husband. Men have masturbatory needs, and so do women. I know it might come as an utter and total surprise, but WOMEN MASTURBATE TOO! Instead of cursing the rest of my comment, i’ll just say it again. WOMEN MASTURBATE TOO! MASTURBATION, MASTURBATION, MASTURBATION. Who knows, it might actually help you get over your fictional abusive father. But if it isn’t fictional, then there is deeper things going on that the Bible won’t be able to help with. This just in. The bible doesn’t mind if you masturbate. In fact, instead of treating it as a crime equal to murder, why don’t you both masturbate together.

    • you forgot to add that some porn is degrading to men also. Porn degrades men. Porn degrades women. The watching of porn means nothing more than the watcher wants his or her private parts to be stimulated.

    • Good point. It degrades human beings in general. So you’re saying that you think it is okay for people to watching material that is degrading to all human beings in order to find erotic pleasure?

    • Hey Jordan,

      Thanks for the comment.

      I agree that men and women have sexual desires, but I’m not following why you think they have “masturbatory needs.” Social scientists find indigenous cultures in the world where they don’t even have a word for masturbation because they don’t do it. Masturbation is a self-stimulating habit, not a need.

      Also, please don’t read into this story that watching porn was the reason she left her husband. She left him because of his unending habits of secrecy and lies, his deceptions, and the way porn had warped his mind and heart.

      I’m not exactly sure why you call it a “story” (in quotations). If you’re insinuating it isn’t true, then please talk to the author. Her husband’s ministry website can be found here. He talks openly about this from his own perspective. You can read his guest article he wrote for us a while back if you want to check it out.

      I feel a need to clarify your misunderstanding of the Covenant Eyes Accountability softwareit is totally unlike spyware. Spyware is installed covertly, often without the owner’s knowledge or permission. Accountability software is installed with the computer owner’s express permission and knowledge (as in Darren’s story above). Spyware is a kind of software that is invisible to the person being spied upon. When accountability software is used, the person using it has full knowledge about its presence. Spyware sends information without the user’s knowledge to unknown parties. Accountability software sends information to an individual of the user’s choosing (an accountability partner, a friend, a spouse, a mentor, etc.).

  6. My boyfriend of 4 years watches porn and it never bothered me until I woke up to him pleasing himself when I was right there. I felt like he chose porn over me. We have a healthy sex life and I would love to wake up to him touching me in a sexual way. The reason I’m reading this article to begin with is that I’m in a delima and not sure how to handle myself. My boyfriend came to my work and told me that he had a rough day and wanted a midday session. I hurried home But he wasn’t “in the mood”. I knew he jacked off and was frustrated that he didn’t wait for me. He has withheld sex from me for 6 days. We normally have sex at least once or twice a day. I have been throwing myself at him and he won’t even kiss me. I left this morning to take my son to school and asked when he would be waking up. That’s usually the “at least once a day”. I told him I would be back within a hour and wanted him to wait for me. I left my phone under the bed with a voice recorder on. That’s the first time I even thought to do something like that. When I got home he was in the shower. I asked him if he would still have sex with me but he said he had a conference call in 30 mins. I asked him if he jacked off and he said no. I explained to him that I have desires too and I want “us” back. I pulled back the shower curtain and asked him again. He looked me right in the eye and lied to me. I listened to the recorder and he started watching porn 6 mins after we left. Its not a big deal to me for him to watch porn as long as we are being “us”. I have needs too! I feel like he’s being selfish and now he lied about it. I don’t know if I should call him out on it or let it go. ??

    • I think the most important thing to consider here, Ashley, is the question of healthy boundaries in your relationship. What is really healthy for you, sexually speaking? What do you want and need in the relationship, when it comes to emotional connection (and your sexual relationship should be a part of that emotional connection, not the substitute for emotional connection!)?

      It seems like you’re experiencing what a lot of women find: porn quickly turns into a self-serving habit that breaks the emotional heart of the relationship. If your partner is willing to make changes, he might appreciate some of the free downloads here, such as Your Brain on Porn, which can help men understand what’s happening to their brains when they look at porn.

      I’d recommend a couple of books, as you think through these issues: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman, and Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. (I know you’re not married, but if you have been together for 4 years and have a family together, the dynamics are pretty close!) Hope those things help. Blessings, Kay

    • First of all you should both repent. Porn is a sin, but sex before marriage is ALSO a sin…
      Get your things right, and god will be with you!

  7. I’ve been with my husband now for 22 years, married 16. 2 beautiful daughters 21 and 15. I love my husband but think I’m now at the point where I’m not in love with him anymore. We don’t talk, touch, hug, kiss. I don’t want to anymore. I was usually begging for all this, there is no emotion left in him, I can talk about so much and pour my heart out to him and not even get a response or just an I don’t know what to say. I found out about his porn addiction 2 months before our wedding in 1999, been together at that point since 1994. I was devastated, but thought this is normal, alot like April’s story. I dealt with walking in on him masturbating, telling me I’m crazy, etc. All the lies, secrecy, finally turned to betrayal 2 years ago. I found out he had a website page that was for hooking up. Paid money, texting girls. Found the texts stating what he wanted to do to these girls, stuff he used to say to me. I was heartbroken. Then he comes to me and tells me he not happy anymore, I’m not giving him enough sex, he is lonely. Are you kidding me? How can I have sex with someone who is cheating on me. I went into a deep depression, lost 53 lbs. In 6 months. Vomiting everyday. My poor kids had to see me like this. I changed and did everything he wanted, finally to figure out that this isn’t me, who I want to be. I became stronger. I am still with him, but the feelings I used to have are starting to fade. I love him as a best friend but not a lover. It makes me sick to think of having sex with him. We don’t talk, he is always working. I finely figured out that in all these long 22 years I have been a single mom, raised my girls, took care of my home and him when needed, but totally forgot about myself. It’s time for a change. And for those who think porn is normal, maybe you need help, because if your with someone now, you won’t be for long. And if your not, we’ll don’t look for a long lasting relationship, it’s not gonna happen. Port messes up you whole thinking process of what women and sex should be.

    • Jennifer, your story just breaks my heart. I’m just so, so sorry that your husband hasn’t been able to recognize the harm he’s caused to himself, to you, and to the relationship with these choices. It’s so true that porn can destroy healthy expectations around sexuality, while for the user, it all seems completely normal.

      I hope you’ve found help and support for yourself in this. Your story of depression is so very common for women in this situation; in fact, many women will meet the criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Personal counseling–just for you–can be really helpful. And trauma-focused groups can be instrumental in recovery as well.

      Whatever your husband chooses, I hope you’ll choose to be healthy and whole.

      Blessings, Kay

    • Wow! Speechless! Thank you father in heaven for reviling truth to all your children. You remind us everyday, guide us in your way, build us up in the image of Christ by you grace. Gods truth. Faith, hope and “True love triumphs all things”. Amen. Thank you everyone for sharing. I needed to read this

    • Jennifer, I know that both staying and leaving are hard, but if you feel the need to leave it is justified. Cheating is a Biblical reason for you to leave and also, if you feel abused you might find understanding at cryingoutforjustice.com

  8. I was initially disappointed by the early comments in regards to Darren and April’s story. We encounter porn on a physical level, but we also forget that Darren and April are followers of Christ Jesus. There is a spiritual element to this issue that needed to be addressed and that Darren and April would have walked through that process in order to save their marriage. Darren and April, thankyou for sharing your story. I was a person controlled by porn for many years. I am single, but it gave me no excuse for my behaviour. In reading your story, I saw warnings that I must observe to protect the relationship I enter into. I also saw that the spiritual aspect of relationship must be the driver of relationship, i.e. relationship with our Heavenly Father is first and the relationship with out partners are governed by Him. When we go astray, He lovingly brings us back to wholeness, as He did for you. Thankyou for sharing your testimony.

  9. Porn is wrong, period. It removes all emotional connection and focusses purely on the physical. It is nothing but objectification. Once you become addicted, it will be the ruin of you. It becomes very difficult to view those that you are attracted to as people. You tend to view them merely as a means to satisfy your sexual urges/fantasies. It takes the power of God to overcome this addiction. Depending on how addicted you may be, it could be a quick recovery or it could take years. You can be clean for a very long time then BAM! you backslide into viewing it again. You must stay in the Word, pray continually, and walk continuously with the Lord everyday.
    I myself first saw porn at 10 and became addicted by 12. At the age of 23 I finally hit bottom. Screwed around with a teenage girl and served 4 yrs for it. I was able to become and stay clean in prison and for another 2 yrs after coming home. But I have backslid several times. It’s difficult to stay clean
    You must figure out what it is that causes you to view porn. Once you know that, you will be on the path to freedom. Stay strong brothers and sisters! Jesus said, “In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world. ” John 16:33

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