One of the biggest lies I told to myself while in adult chat rooms was that I was not really cheating because I was not actually physically with the women. No matter how many times I told myself that story, it didn’t change the fact it’s nothing but a lie.
In my case, it opened the door to an online affair that lasted more than a year. An affair of this type is different than a physical affair, but can still create an emotional bond.
The wound that we create in our spouse when we let someone else into that intimate part of our lives is very destructive. Trust is destroyed and rebuilding that trust will take a long time.
The violation of the emotional boundary can be harder for women to recover from than many physical boundaries that were broken. In our marriage, that was certainly the case.
Once the affair was exposed, I realized it needed to end. I had to take radical and immediate steps to stop it. Was it easy? No. The emotional bond was real and it was going to hurt. Did I deserve sympathy? No.
These steps are a must.
- Immediate cessation of all communication with the other person. Change your e-mail address(es) and password(s). Give that new e-mail account information to your wife, including the password.
- Be aware, certain things may trigger unpleasant memories in your wife’s mind. Be sensitive to them. Songs, names, places, and so on. Avoid them like the plague whenever possible.
- Install Covenant Eyes software on all your computers with an Accountability Partner in place.
- Spend time with your wife that would have otherwise been in front of your computer. This helps rebuild trust. It can open up communications in areas that have been long closed.
- Create open access to computers. Move them into common spaces.
This recovery process will take time and it will be bumpy. Keep communications open. Be transparent with your time.
These steps are a critical starting point. Doing these things will begin to restore trust. It won’t happen overnight, but if you are honest with your wife, it can return.
Photo credit: idogcow
Dan Wobschall is the founder of Every Man’s Hope. He has been married to Julie since 1984 and they have three daughters. Dan’s mission is to share his story of the healing and redemption—of both his soul and his family.