2 thoughts on “Setting Boundaries with Your Porn Addict Husband

  1. Hello,
    I really appreciate what you all are doing because it gives me hope for my marriage. Here is what’s going on with my situation and I hope you can shed some light on what I am doing is healthy and what is not. About 6 years into our marriage I found out that my husband was do sexual emails and sexting. We sought out counseling and tried to mend our marriage, he used covenant eyes app to help hold him accountable along with a few men. A few months later I found out that he paid for a sexual act (but not intercourse). We worked through that situation, basically I had his credit cards and access to his emails and I basically felt obsessed with his secrets. I always felt there was something he wasn’t telling, I never felt like I got the truth about his acts.
    Eventually I trusted him again and gave him back his cards and I stopped watching his phone and emails. About 3 years later I found out he was doing it again and this time I was numb, I was angry and sad but also felt like why should I cry, i was the idiot that took him back. He promised to change every time I caught him and it seemed like he did but he just found new ways to hide it.
    Then around Christmas 2017 I found out he was doing it again, I was convicted in my heart that he never stopped there’s more to this issue so I paid a company to find all his social media and email accounts. I found an email I never knew of and answered the security questions to gain access to him email and found out that in our 10 years of being married he has been unfaithful for 9. He lied about it started at 5 years married. So this time I confronted him but this time I didn’t reveal what I knew, I just told him that I paid to dig up dirt on him and he has not told me the full truth once. He then admitted to sleeping with over 40 women (maybe more, they’re a blurr) and that the issue started out as porn in high school and has now led him to where we are at.
    At first I was angry and rattled off demands like no more cell phone, no more credit cards, getting checked for std’s every month and he agreed to it. But after thinking about it for a couple hours I realized that ik am not his mother nor do I want to be. We promised that we would never kick each other out of our marriage bed, if we were angry that we would work it out enough to go to sleep next to each other. But I told him that I don’t want him next to me in the bed, because it hasn’t been our marriage bed for a long time, it’s my bed, I have been the faithful one and I need space. I told him as far as he’s concerned i am no longer a wife but his acquaintance, he is not to speak ill of me infront of the kids nor will i and we both will show respect towards each other. He complied and is sleeping in another room. We told our kids that mommy and daddy are arguing right now, like how they do with each other and need a timeout, mommy and daddy are having a timeout to be nice to each other.
    He has sought out counseling, got tested for std’s, has a program that tracks his location and what he does on his phone. Before he had 1 or 2 accountability partners and now he has like 6 and counting. Before he didn’t want people to know but now he is telling guys he trusts and joining bible classes. He has asked to do daily devotionals with me. Has respected the no sexual intimacy but has shown kindness and empathy when I am down. He answers my questions and keeps telling me that I am someone special to him with out getting annoyed. He has said he hasnt noticed until now how anything we did was something he wanted to do and he’s sorry for being so selfish. He’s better (not getting annoyed as easily) with our kids, he’s helping out with the house work and finding hobbies to do.
    My concern is how can I trust him again? I love him deeply and I enjoy spending time with him. It almost feels like he’s trying to impress me like he did when we were dating. How will I know that this is his turning point? If I accept him back how can we fight porn sneaking back into our lives?
    Thank you

    • You trust people who are trustworthy, and it sounds like your husband is an expert at being UNtrustworthy.

      It sounds to me like he’s got a lot more going on that “simply” having 40+ sexual relationships over the years. To be able to lie the way he has, persistently and without remorse? That looks like a very serious maladaptive pattern to me.

      I personally would want to make sure that he is seeing a fully qualified, experienced, licensed professional therapist. In addition, I would recommend a full range of psychological testing with a qualified professional so that you can have an accurate diagnosis. This is not a case for a church counselor, lay counselor, “biblical” counselor, etc. This is a case for an experienced PhD-level qualified professional.

      I’m not surprised he’s “trying to impress you like when you were dating.” He knows how serious this is, and he’s hoping you won’t figure it out.

      I don’t know if there is a turning point, and you need a well-qualified professional to help you make that call.

      I would recommend checking the registry at Psychology Today, for someone in your area with expertise in this area.

      Peace to you,
      Kay

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