About the author, Kay Bruner

Kay Bruner has been married to Andy for over 25 years. For 20 of those years she served with him at Wycliffe Bible Translators, working in the Solomon Islands preparing a New Testament translation into the Arosi language. They have four children and two poodly rescue dogs. They live in the Dallas area where Andy works for SIL International, Wycliffe’s sister organization. Kay is a Licensed Professional Counselor with Rapha Christian Counseling. She is the author of As Soon As I Fell: A Memoir. You can read more of her articles at kaybruner.com.

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Hope After Porn

Parenting the Internet Generation Ebook Cover

Porn use (and even adultery) doesn't always mean that a marriage is over. Get this free e-book to read how four betrayed wives found healing for themselves and for their marriages.

15 thoughts on “When Porn Shattered My Fairytale World

  1. “I trust him to be human. I don’t trust anybody, including me, to be perfect and sinless. The question really is, when we hurt each other, what will we do? Can we face up to the hard work of truth and pain and grief and forgiveness and restitution and reconciliation?”

    I could not agree more. I wanted a fairy tale, too, but I got a story that brings more glory to God than anything I could have ever imagined. Thank you for sharing your story.

  2. I understand that neither him nor I are perfect and we are both going to mess up. That being said the trust is still gone….how do we rebuild that? I have been looking for resources and can’t find any. I’m not sure where to turn. Are there any practical ways to start rebuilding the trust in a marriage?

  3. What an amazing story of God bringing two people through such a difficult trial. I am encouraged by it, and it reminds me of how in God’s Kingdom the right thing to do is usually the hard thing to do. But in the end it always yields a good harvest and has lasting results. I know from my experience with this addiction that the attitude of total surrender to Christ and self denial is not easy in our culture, but making it a practice ultimately leads to peace. It just takes a while for our minds to be renewed ( Romans 12:2) but it is possible, by God’s grace.

  4. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. My husband has viewed pornography in the past, and he told me about it before we were married. It’s hard, but I’m SO thankful for God’s grace. We’re both sinners. I would also add, if somebody is struggling with pornography, get a TRUSTED accountability partner. My husband also has covenant eyes on his computer which helps a lot.

  5. Yay! God redeem us from our sins. I feel like Andy at times.

    I’m so happy that we can be open and honest about this pernicious problem. I have Covenant Eyes on my laptop and smartphone (I wish I never would have gotten one). I’m brutally honest with my accountability partner(s). The temptation, nevertheless, is still strong but I know my responsibility. As John Owen said, “The chief responsibility of every Christian is to avoid entering into the temptation to sin (Matt 26:41 rough paraphrase). That is my goal tonight and for the rest of my days.

    Postlude: As a single male in my early 30’s, I recognize that there are seasons of my life. My goal is to pursue purity prior to marriage so that I can maintain it during marriage. May the Lord hear my prayer and help me purse holiness and sexual purity (Eph 5:3; Heb 12:14).

  6. My husband installed CE on our computer, and it seems to be a great relief for him to know discoverey is certain in that area. Unfortunately, the rest of his actions do not line up and the lies continue in all areas of life. Too bad he can’t download a lie detector…
    I’m so glad to read a story where the husband is motivated to change! How wonderful for your family!

  7. What a great article that gives perspective from the spouse who is sinned against. I really appreciate the section about replacing lies with truth. It’s such a simple idea but terribly difficult to live out. It’s so worth it though. I’m afraid I disagree with downloading Covenant Eyes as one of the first things. It’s a very powerful tool, but it is just that, a tool. The first thing is to find an accountability partner or counselor who isn’t your spouse. Based on what I have read, your spouse shouldn’t be your partner since they are most likely already under great strain.

    • Hey Tim,

      I think Andy’s advice of putting Covenant Eyes on your computer actually includes the accountability partner step. Our Accountability service only makes sense when an accountability partner is present: a report going to nobody is worthless.

      I would agree that a spouse does not make the best accountability partner, especially not after an initial discovery of porn viewing. I think there needs to be balance in this. On one hand, no wife should be put into the position of her husband’s purity coach or the one who rides him about his sexual sins. That puts her in the position of playing cop or being his mommy, and that is very unhealthy for a marriage. On the other hand, a man should not be tempted to have a secret “recovery life,” just like he had a secret porn life before. He should be open and forthright with his wife about whatever she needs to know to build trust again.

  8. Reading these stories and testimonies brings tears to my eyes and that lost feeling deep down within. I lost my wife (divorce) after I was caught. I blame NO ONE BUT MYSELF! I too had CE on my laptop and phone, but my addiction provided me with a solution. I just purchased on e-bay an iPod touch. This allowed me access to the web and it was small enough to hide in my truck. Well it all caught up with me in June of 2012! Although this may sound like a sad story, I lost an awful lot but gained so much more! I checked myself into the VA psych ward because I was suicidal and thought my life was over. Well God sent an angel to me and made me realize that I had never truly been alive before, but once I asked him into my life and repented…,…MY LIFE BEGAN! Yes I lost my wife (story book fairy tale of two old friends reunited after 20+ years) but I also lost my desire for porn! God truly is the ONLY ANSWER, your tool is an essential part of recovery and I recommend it to anyone who finds themselves struggling with accountability. Let’s face it……sex is thrown in our faces on a daily basis and the world seems to think it’s OK. Well it isn’t and as Christians and children of God, we need to help each other rather than judge! We are tools also and are intended to be used accordingly. So if you have a spouse, a friend, or suspect someone using porn, be SUPPORTIVE and help them loosen Satan’s stronghold. Christ defeated Satan on the cross, so let’s not give him any of our resources by condemning our brother or sister. God bless you all!

  9. I feel that there is another piece of the porn issue that isn’t being addressed often. Viewing porn is participating in sex trafficking (as it is recorded). Even through XXX sex stores existed before, the sense of terrible shame from becoming an active participant in something so harmful, was enough to stop most men from participating in pornography. How and why has that changed? Some sort of rationalization – lies being believed?

    I lost my three-decades-long marriage because of my ex-husband’s porn addiction. He began to believe the lies of porn, and the natural result was violence in our home in real life. He was a seminary graduate. I still can’t believe that porn’s addictive pull became so strong that he chose it over me (and our kids). It blew the lives of our whole family apart.

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