Hope After Porn

Hope After Porn Ebook Cover

Porn use (and even adultery) doesn't always mean that a marriage is over. Get this free e-book to read how four betrayed wives found healing for themselves and for their marriages.

91 thoughts on “Straight Talk to Husbands Who Watch Porn

  1. Love this article. It’s really powerful, and it gets straight to the point with the stories. No repeats. Just a solid blow to the conscious of the porn addict. Excellent job, Luke!

    • I am so sick of the duality in the issue of sex (mostly within “christianity”) and shallow (hurtful) judgments of bigots. So the overwhelming majority of women will feel low self worth and devalued and undesired if their spouse isn’t disgusted and ashamed by porn… so what? That only speaks ill of what the majority of women are – to wit: the overwhelming majority of men would cheat on their wives if tempted by whatever their attraction is and they knew they could get away with it. Cheers to all you few women who either endulge with their husbands, would never react with shame and disgust if he admitted interest but would work through it TOGETHER, and those for whom it would never be worth talking about because what they REALLY have could never be touched by either one having imperfections. Cheers to you – you have and get to enjoy (not porn – speaking of the most beautiful thing in human existence) what the majority never will. And of course cheers to the few men that never would.

      I TRULY wish I could say cheers to you all… ENDULGE! Cheers to the men (and women) who do it behind their partner’s back. Unfortunately the truths behind porn are sick, and unloving – and even the other end of it (viewing) is overwhelmingly addictive, destructive, and well… satanic.

      And of course doing anything behind a spouse’s back that would hurt them is a mockery of love and trust.

      There is a God, and for once in my life I can say that it’s unfortunate that He is not just – He is Merciful. Yes (bigot) I know He is both, you and your shallow mentality belie the point – that although to those ripped apart by it bigotry and shallow shaming words and heart are FAR sicker than (almost) anything in the realm of sex in the end your sin is as blotted out as the rest should you so desire to choose.

      To give all the readers of this that are shallow bigots what they seek (an excuse to put me and my heart’s cry in a box, file it away as “understood” and sickly judge “yup, darkness hates the light”) – but actually more for the very few that might need to hear because of an entirely different heart – here is the oversimplified version: Few, damn few if any, men, have ever felt what I have towards my bride, nor let her in to every thought and part of my heart. Few could – few are like me and even fewer have met such a beautiful soul. And I have lost her, because of porn. Not because of an addiction I was unwilling to face. Not because I was unwilling to “give it up” (or for that matter give ANYTHING) for her sake. But basically because I could never, truthfully, before God, own that it was literally the same thing as adultery (at least in the heart), nor could I honestly, before God, tell her that I would never again be tempted by it. Few will believe or understand this, but it is for those few I really write anyway – I NEVER, EVER in a billion years would have cheated on my wife, nor did I struggle with lust. If I manage to remain alive through this period of my life I hope that I one day will be used to slay the satanic hatred spewed by good-intentended voices within “the church” – but again, to be truthful, I will likely never have the ground to stand on as an honest assessment deems it likely I will drown myself in whatever drug or filth promises to kill the pain, as I confess I simply am weak – but not in the way 90% of you will judge.

      Her beautiful soul, for any women that might fall somewhere between the two oversimplified categories of “overwhelming majority” and the few – truly believes she is seeking, obeying and following the Truth, Way and Life. And she is… the best she can. And yet in the mix one of the deepest loves that has ever been between two humans is a casualty – WAKE UP! IN JESUS’ NAME HEED THAT AS A WARNING AND NOT SOMETHING YOU “GET”! If ANY part of your heart doubts your natural (church-endorsed) self-protective oversimplifications and judgments, if ANY part of your heart twinges “but I love him” – FOLLOW THAT VOICE!!! TO HELL WITH THE CHURCH AND WHAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW – TO HELL WITH ANYTHING ELSE – LIVE FROM THAT HEART – RISK IT ALL – Even if you do it and end up finding you did it to a man that wasn’t one of the few, one that wasn’t worth it – YOU WILL HAVE NO SHAME – AND GOD WILL HEAL THAT HEART… it’s the other choice that rot your heart and succumb to blindness and worse, at least for the rest of this life.

      And to any men (and boys) with open hearts – stay away from porn. It’s stupid – but don’t ever judge those that haven’t as if you know what their real sin is, and don’t ever partake in satanic bigotry, oversimplification, and shame – spewing. When hearts are finally revealed you would rather be guilty of the former.

    • my husband did sports in high school and said most the guys sat in the back of the bus on away trips and watched porn. I feel sad that for most boys, porn is their first ” sex education” . It is like is is over, before it even started.

  2. A cliche. It takes all sorts to make this world and all sorts will do as they please. My wife and I are half way discussing my mild(whatever the size) use of porn. We have a pretty good relationship from my perspective. As I heard from my wife not in hers. We have a calm relationship so I didn’t feel shame, as always I heard what she said and I have started to tell her what my thoughts are. This is as far we have got.

  3. THANK YOU!! Thank you or putting into words the things that I feel about pornography and for helping me to feel justified in my hurt. It is killing real relationships and I feel hurt to the core for all relationships with porn in the middle, including my own. May God continue to give us grace.

    • @Liz – Thanks! That was the whole goal of this article. Too many times we hear from women who are made to feel unjustified in their hurt, and both husbands and wives need to understand there are legitimate reasons why they should be concerned about pornography.

  4. Hey I’m a 14 year old guy and I don’t have a lot of money. Is there a way for me to get covenant eyes (or any accountability software) cheap or at no cost?

    • @Eric – Yes. We actually have a hardship program for people in your situation. Just give us a call and we can give you more details. 877.479.1119.

  5. I would just like to say thank you for all the information. My husband and I are on the verge of divorce, because of his porn use. I have caught him over & over. He keeps telling me he is going to quit. It has been five years now and he has not quit. I love him, but I am better off without him. I deserve better. I did not realize there were that many wives going through the same. Thank you. Darla

    • I am going through the same thing. I am very sorry you are going through a divorce. I am actually pregnant and expecting our first baby and he is watching pornography, and I threaten to leave him and it doesn’t work. He is very defensive and says I am the only girl in the world that gets offended by this and that I just need to get over it! It’s just not that easy. Especially now when I am extremely moody and sensitive. I just don’t know how to make him stop.

    • I’m RIGHT where you are Darla. We’ve been married going on 5 years, and I’m at the point of wanting to just leave. I found out exactly one year later what he was doing. It’s crazy because he’s actually a GOOD husband and great father, but this unresolved pornography issue is killing me and I don’t see how I can stand it anymore.

    • I am in the same boat. I told my husband ” I don’t care if everyone in the world thinks it is ok, I don’t and I am the woman he vowed to love, honor and respect!” Watching porn and lying about it breaks everyone of those vows. I am trying to forgive him and support him in his struggle, but it is not easy. A friend recommended a book ” Every Man’s Battle” she said it helped her husband overcome his porn habit.

    • i am allways finding him watching porn, 6yrs now,,i used to feel sexy, now i don’t even know how to approach him…we had a wonderful first 6 months of our own intamicy, till he stopped pleasing me,,,so took me a few years, but i’m done pleasing now , cause i bet it doesn’t even please him, i’m not the one’s he fantazising over….he hardly touches me, so i quit too…says he loves me, but,,dunno, that’s a deal brake for me, i feel myself leaving, don’t want to feel like that,,but i know my heart is going away. so sad, cause he is perfect, and can be the perfect lover..must be me is what it’s boiled down to, guess i’m not attactive or sexy enough no more

    • Don’t tell yourself that, Stella. A man entrenched in porn will never find a woman that lives up to his fantasies, no matter what she looks like. Porn trains men to want a fantasy experience. Porn allows a man to choose whatever kind of woman he wants, however he wants, how every many of them he wants, whenever he wants, customizing her however he wants, all for his own pleasure with no thought of another person’s desires or needs. No real woman is that clickable or customizable.

      A man can change, but only if he wants to change.

    • To Stella – your worth an attractiveness and even how he feels about you have NOTHING, NOTHING to do with this issue. I don’t know him, but regardless please don’t believe THAT lie OR the OTHER: that his struggle speaks to HIS worth or value of you, necessarily.

      To Luke – you can’t heal with poison.

  6. Pornography ruined my childhood, the beginning culprit in being molested and further abused. After years of recovery and pain, it now it has re-surfaced in my “happy” marriage.
    To ALL THE BLINDED MEN AND WOMEN who believe it is okay, check statistics on how rape and molesting begins. It also dehumanizes, demoralizes and degrades women to the fullest capacity. It ruins lives and souls. It ruins love and trust. It ruins families and children who need a daddy in the home.
    Women crave attention and the feeling we are beautiful and loved, how would those same husbands feel if we innocently “clicked” on websites where another man fulfilled those desires, telling me how much he loved and adored me and I interacted and responded back? …… or maybe I shouldn’t speak so clear about that, it will open another money making door for greedy pigs to feed on human desires without consideration of how many lives it ruins.
    The bottom line is- if a website for women like that was out there, I wouldn’t go there….EVER- even if I had a deep urge or desire for it- because of the commitment I made to my husband and God. That’s what the problem is- its that “something” that’s missing. And the fact we were fooled into believing they had “it” too. I dont know how my story will end. I’m sick and destroyed.

  7. THANK YOU FOR YOUR WONDERFUL SITE AND ARTICLES, however it begun it helps so much with that burning pain in my chest right now. 3 days of hell needed a comfort and u gave me that.

    • Thanks, Janny. I hope you continue to look around and find more information that is helpful to you.

  8. My husband is addicted to pornogrophy and is an alcoholic. I have been trying to help him in both areas but he has refused everything. He is distant, cold and unloving. I have stuck by his side for the last 22 yrs. but I’m at the end of my rope. Our relationship has been one sided, I take care of the bills, the kids, and of course there’s no intimacy of any kind, not even a kiss when he gets home from work. I am a Christian and have been hoping and praying that he will one day repent and want to change. I am bound to him by our marriage covenant and I want to honor God in it, but I honestly would rather live bymyself for the rest of my life than put up with this for the next 20 yrs. I would appreciate any advice on how to help him to repent, or what I could be doing…I feel like I’ve tried it all…but it’s always me trying…I don’t see any hope for us in the future…

    • Hi, Andrea

      Your desperation and exhaustion is very evident in your comment. It is something I have encountered often in the past few years. I’m sorry you have struggled so long without any hope.

      I normally don’t do this, but you are exactly who I had in mind when I wrote Redemptive Divorce.

      After enduring my own struggle with a wayward partner, I found that I was not alone. Many other believers suffer as you do now. Eventually, I found a biblically sound, legally responsible, grace-oriented way to break this cycle of misery once and for all. I gave this process the name “redemptive divorce.” The book explains everything in detail. The advice is theologically sound, remains true to the face-value, straightforward teaching of Scripture, and offers practical counsel on how to use the courts in a grace-oriented, yet responsible manner.

      You can find it here.

      Give it a look. Pray about it. Then, let us know what you think, either here or at MarkWGaither.com.

    • please, leave ur husband, you deserve better, people who we struggle for, who refuse help and or our love don’t deserve a second of our attention! Stupid book not going to fix her husband, u people make money on someones unhappiness and pain, you make me sick!!!

  9. Thank you for the encouragement in this issue and the article! I have almost been married a year. We got married very young but have been together for about 6 years. I found out he watched porn when we were a good four and a half years into our relationship and it bothered me then. It was an unresolved issue because it fell on me that I didn’t “want it” enough for him I guess. He has been enlisted in the military and been away from me for a good six months last year. We got married and I now live with him away from all family and the back home friends. I came home from workearly one day to only catch him in the aftermath. Porn gives me a bad bad feeling in my stomach and grosses me out. I feel degraded as a women because I would never ever do the things he watches. He told me he wont watch it anymore but it was just to make me feel better. He hasn’t quit. He is going to Guam in October for 6months and I know for a fact of will be part of his life there and it not only angers me but makes me feel so so uncomfortable. I’m so thankful that I never have to worry about him cheating but I guess his trained fantasy is more than I can compete with let alone control. I’m at a loss…. any feedback would be appreciated, I’m definitely going to keep searching for more information!
    Lane

    • Hi Lane. Yes, I encourage you to look around more and see if you can find any other helpful information. I recommend you download the e-book mentioned above for starters. You are right: “his trained fantasy is more than I can compete with let alone control.” He has trained his mind for a fantasy experience custom-tailored to his own desires. But the fact is no one, especially him, should make you feel as if you have to live up to the unrealistic fantasies created by the airbrushed, acted, and edited world of pornographic media. He is the one who needs to escape the fantasy trap and come back to reality.

      I don’t say this to make it sound as if reality is somehow a dull experience. Real marital intimacy can and should be passionate, personal, fun, and joyful. Unfortunately, so many men (myself included) have spent years feeding themselves on the fast food of porn. We’ve become “sexually obese.” Conditioned on this, men don’t recognize the pleasure of sitting down to a fine meal of marital intimacy. Their libido is exploited by this kind of media. Porn makes men into terrible lovers.

      If this is something that bothers you (and I believe it should), then first talk to him about how you know he hasn’t stopped. If he said he would stop and hasn’t, he needs to be confronted about this. Then I would talk to him about why him watching porn makes you feel the way you do. I highly recommend these two articles by Mark Gaither on our blog. They will offer you some insight about how to talk to him: “What’s wrong with a little porn?” and “Is Porn the Same as Adultery?

  10. Great article. Thank you. Very informative. As i have been looking for answers why my partner of 7 years is quiite addicted to porn or anything that has to do with sexy / flirtatious women in their bikinis etc. For years i have been looking for answers…i was under the impression that i am the one with a problem, he told me i had to chill out and stop being so insecure. This is not an issue of insecurity. I told him one day…he should just be on his own so he can do al the things he wanted and make all those fantasies come to reality. He is in his 50s but he like very young women ..those women in the porn/mags etc.

    I am ready to move on anytime, just waiting for the right time. If i am destined to be on my own..so be it . rather than be with a man who gets excited or amused by looking at other women porn or not.

  11. I am 27 and unfortunately grew up watching porn. I have realized and admitted I have a problem to both myself and my fiancé. I was around the age of 13 when I first discovered the relationship ruining pornography. It has caused so many problem within my relationship/family! The biggest problem being: I love my fiancé T*****y more than anything in this entire world….if only she could see, or believe that. Porn has made her feel our relationship is fake or fraudulent. I know my love for her is strong and real, but she does not. Pornography has indeed ruined my life! I hope and pray there is time to rebuild and fix what porn and I have broken….trust, respect, compassion and love.
    I NEED HELP, ADVISE, COUNSILING, ANYTHING….PLS I don’t want to lose her!

    • Hi Jacob. Thanks for your comment. I sense your desperation and I challenge you to take big steps to regain your fiancé’s trust. I would ask her specifically what rebuilding trust might even look like. It will probably involve steps taken to cut off your relationship with pornography and steps taken to build intimacy with her. She may not even be able to answer your question easily, and if she doesn’t know what to say, then make an action plan yourself. Cut off all porn access points. Tell her you plan to get to the bottom of your addiction to porn and then take steps to get that help. Tell her you will do this because it is the right thing to do, regardless of if she is ever able to give you her trust again.

      I encourage you to listen to this story from a couple I know who nearly lost their marriage over this issue. I think you’ll resonate with Darren’s story. I hope it speaks to you in a fresh way: “Dealing with Porn in a Marriage: Darren and April’s Story.”

  12. Words are difficult. My thoughts are like leaves blown to and fro, in a blustery wind that doesn’t allow me to focus on one mere leaf, but the swirling myriad …

    My daughter told me about Covenant Eyes, which is to say that her father’s addiction to pornography has been a problem for so very long and had such an affect on her that in her own, young, marriage she has asked her husband for more than just promises, but guarantees. He’s made himself accountable to Covenant Eyes then, for her, to help assure her that what happened between her parents won’t ever happen to them. He loves her too much to ever see her so demeaned. I’m grateful to him for that, and for his willingness to understand how her father’s addiction shattered the marriage and the family, as well as her fear of having the same happen to theirs.

    The matter of Covenant Eyes wouldn’t have come up – which is to say, she may never have told me, had I not told her that I suspected her father of sexually abusing our youngest and disabled child. He who cannot speak for himself. I made it clear that I have no proof – only suspicions, but that these suspicions, along with her father’s frequent accessing of “teen” porn sites – sometimes twice a day – have prompted me to seek the means to end our 30 year marriage. Counseling is out of the question. We’ve been there and done that. Due to his inability to be honest and assume responsibility for his actions he continued to blame me. Many of you who have posted here know how it goes – “If you were woman enough …” “If you took better care of me …” “There must be something wrong with you…” No counselor could break through. He was raised by a man who taught him well that there’s nothing more to life than sex, and that sex is love and love is sex. Aside from a sexual relationship he knows nothing about relationship, which is why he’s never had a relationship with either his daughter or his sons.

    I say this about his father knowing the family dynamic as well as I do. His younger sister, and quite brokenly, confided that her father had sexually assaulted her when she was young. Though I was the wife of his son, he attempted to sexually assault me too. When I slapped him, my husband’s father, for his advances, my husband became angry – at me – insisting that his father was a “harmless” drunk and I should just let it go. I couldn’t, and no longer allowed him into our home, or around the children, alone. It’s been a problem, and it has to end now. Right now.

    Tonight, though, I struggle with what to do in the here and now. My first inclination is to take the logs I’ve obtained of all of the porn sites, to include the teen sites, my husband has accessed to the State Attorney. I have more than 20 pages full going back 3-4 years, having only recently happened upon them when a virus came down on all of of the computers (wireless/network) and I had to try to figure out why. Now I know.

    I don’t want to access the sites my husband has been frequenting in an effort to determine if the involvement of the State Attorney might be called for, depending upon the age of the teens he’s been watching. I do have the logs of the sites, as aforementioned, printed from his Google account. He accesses the porn now via his android cell phone and cable TV. I wouldn’t know if he could access child pornography via DirectTV. I think not, but am not certain.

    Might there be someone at Covenant Eyes to whom I could send some of these logs to see if the teens he’s watching are underage, so I know better how to proceed?

    None of this is going to be easy. But, I’m just going to put one foot in front of the other and trust God to see us through.

    Thanks for your time. Also, all of you here who have posted know that my greatest of all hopes and prayers are with you.

  13. Been married a little over one year. Found that my husband looked at porn after telling me he had no desire to see other women like that. The women looked nothing like me. He lied at first then said he sid not look to masterbate but looked because he did not feel like I found him attractive. He said when he looked he felt attractive. We have had a very active sex life. He says I don’t have to worry that he will not look again and that he only thinks of me and wants it to only be between us. I can’t seem to let go and afraid that lack of trust will make it worse since he was honest about his feelings. He also said it was extreme ly hard to admit to me why he looked. It is hard for me ro believe that he dis not look for a sexual reason.

    • You say your husband looks at porn because the women staring back at him make him feel attractive. Whether or not he classifies that as a “sexual reason” for looking at porn is of little consequence. The real question is whether he is making strides to gain your confidence, to make you believe that he is looking to you for his sexual satisfaction.

      It is very common for men to look at porn because the fantasy world makes them feel attractive. That is, I imagine, one of the main reasons men look at porn. The fantasy world is a place where he can feel like he is the center of another’s sexual universe.

      It would be good to know what he means by you not finding him attractive. It is great that he has been honest with you so far, but my prayer is that he will really be more honest with himself and find out why, in a sexually active marriage, he enjoys the buzz he gets from watching porn. What about the pornographic fantasy does he like? The attention? His wife gives him attention? Is there something about what the girls in porn say or do or look like that makes the attention so alluring to him?

      Speaking as a man who used to be addicted to porn, I know exactly why that fantasy world drew me: I was the center of attention from women that I considered “trophies.” These were women who looked like the cheerleader I could never have in high school, so porn supplied me with a fantasy world that made me feel like a “real man” who could merit the sexual attention of such beautiful women. I am happily married today, and have no doubt in my wife’s attraction to me, but the world of porn will forever be an alluring thing — not because I don’t get attention from my wife, but because the attention I get is not on my terms. Marital sex is wonderful, but focused on mutual giving. Pornographic lust is also pleasurable (and empty), but driven by selfishness. There’s no other person to please. The porn is all about me.

      I can’t say whether this is your husband’s experience; this is only where I am coming from.

      As for building trust in your marriage, I highly recommend you pick up a copy of an e-book I edited a while back called Hope After Porn. It is written by four women who’ve been in your shoes.

  14. the first time I learned about my husband’s porn was a year & a half ago three weeks before we got married. As I was leaving him, his parents stopped me, and like a pendeja, I stayed. My husband hasn’t made love to me in over six months. Worse, when he does want it, he treats my body like the BS that he watches on porn. It’s humiliating and I can’t compete with it. I am a beautiful and loving latina. I am a homemaker, which makes it difficult for me to get up and leave because I depend on him financially. I just recently sold my car to help his business from a financial fiasco. He tells me he is too stressed to be intimate.

    Instead of being intimate with me, he would rather watch porn. I have had it. I want to leave tomorrow. My problem is that I made a promise to God that for better or for worse…. My husband refuses to stop and has told me to deal with it or leave.

    I’m forty. He’s 39. He works, I have MS and minor disabilities.

  15. I am currently on this situation atm.. my partner and i have been together for 3yrs, we have a baby boy and sex isnt there all the time cause im usually tired from watching our son, working and doing home duties… I caught him watching porn before which made me feel so ugly, not giving him enough and betrayed as I have just recently given birth to our son that time. He said he would stop and promised me.. He said he only did it to release as this is something ‘men’ do. but it made me feel so insecure and lost trust in our relationship… I thought he’s finally changed as our sex was starting to become more often… although some days i get really tired from work and watching our baby. then when i had a look on his ipad i saw that he’s been currently watching porn but he tried to delete the history but he left one out by accident.. I felt soo betrayed and ugly that he would still go watch porn eventhough im making all the effort to have sex with him every now and then. I want to leave him but its not that easy… i want my son to have a father. sometimes when we have sex i feel like im being used as a tool so that he can release watever urge he’s got…he does all this weird things youd get from porn and i feel like there is no love in our sex except using me as the girl that would do anything. I feel so used, ugly and betrayed that when i see him all i picture is a perverted man. that i cant trust him with anyone because i feel like if hes doing something that hurts me and ive clearly spoke to him that it hurts me and make me feel less.. he still doing it.. later on he could just get someone or anyone to just do it with. or just give in to temptatns gecause he has no self control now… i dont know what to do and it seems as if no one would ever understand me when it comes to this matter…

    • You’re definitely not alone!

      I recommend two things. First, go read Porn and Your Husband. It will give you some suggestions for next steps for your relationship. Second, go find a good counselor or pastor for advice. Make sure it’s someone who treats porn as a real issue, not just “a healthy or normal behavior” (it’s normal, but it’s not healthy). They’ll be able to give you tailored advice for what to do next.

  16. All of you “christian” woman should repent! The marriage vows say death do us part. The bible says God hates divorce! You need to Love your husband as Christ loves the church. Divorce is of Satan! No Christian woman should ever think about it. Most countries in the world don’t even alow divorce! I believe Jesus would say who ever can cast the first stone can get divorced!

    • The Bible permits divorce in two situations: adultery (Matthew 19) and unbelief on the spouse’s part (1 Cor. 7). When a husband is unrepentant in his use of pornography, it definitely falls in the category of the first situation, and quite probably reflects the second situation.

      That being said, the goal of separation and even divorce should be, ultimately, reconciliation. In fact, we’ve heard stories where separation has been the wake-up call the husband needed to stop using pornography.

      By the way, the verse you paraphrase, Ephesians 5:25, actually reads “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her…” Perhaps if husbands did a better job of following this command, their wives wouldn’t need to consider divorce as an option.

  17. Hi. I found porn on my husband’s phone and it felt like a brick hit my heart all I could think was is this what he wants? Is he thinking about these perfect woman when we are together? He rarley wants to make love to me and blames it on stress. We do have very stressful lives but if his sex drive is so low why would he be looking at these sites? I confronted him and probably not in the best way but I was hurt. He said its normal and it’s a man thing and to let him be a man. He drew a comparision to the fact that he doesnt cheat, doesnt go to strip clubs, doesnt go to bachelors parties. I don’t understand this? Should I feel watching other real woman have sex a small thing compared to what he could be doing? I have body images issues from having 3 kids but I dont want him any less and he has never said anything poor about my appearence but just the fact that I do consider this cheating. I don’t know what to do. Should I just be grateful he isn’t having sex with this women just watching? He’s so quick to tell me he doesnt love me and would be better off without me because I dont talk to him the exact perfect way he would like and offers me no slack for being hurt or stressed out myself. I don’t know. My exhusband use to look at porn ALL the time and then when that wasnt enough he DID cheat.

    • Hi Sad in Florida,

      Your husband is justifying his behavior. It may be “a man thing,” but it doesn’t make it a good thing. It is, sadly, normal, as your husband said, but that doesn’t mean it should be normal. Yes, he isn’t doing more outwardly destructive behaviors (cheating on you, going to prostitutes, etc.), but that does not minimize the damage he is doing looking at porn.

      Chances are his low sex drive is actually related to his porn use. Heavy porn use will decrease a man’s desire for actual sex. This is something you husband needs to understand: you aren’t against porn because you’re against his sexual pleasure, but because you are for it. Is this really the kind of man he dreamed he would become: sneaking off alone to masturbate to pixels on a screen rather than making love to his wife? He needs to understand how porn is robbing him of real pleasure.

      As for you, it would be great for you to find some support: friends or mentors or counselors who can help to reaffirm you and give you good advice. It sounds like your husband is a bitter man and I would highly recommend both of you have some kind of marital counseling. I pray your husband will see the damage porn is causing him and his marriage, and I pray he will wake up and start treating you right. I pray also for you, hoping you find the face-to-face support you really need.

    • Dear Sad in Florida;
      First of all, let me say that I am sorry that this has happened to you. Your reaction is normal and warranted. Furthermore, your husbands behavior is not “normal” as he puts it. It is typical of men but not normal. The lies in our world have taught us that seeking sex and pornography is a normal male thing. The truth is that he is really seeking true intimacy and love. (believe me, I was there just a few years ago). Despite the world views, sex does NOT equal intimacy. Your husband has an emotional and spiritual hole in his heart that he is desperately trying to fill and he likely doesn’t even know it. His methods (typical methods by men) of trying to fill this hole through porn, affairs, prostitutes etc. are ineffective and leaves one empty thus creating the insatiable urge to do it again, and again, all while being totally blind to the devastation we cause to those who really do love us. Our focus is on us and our needs. We are focusing inside rather than outside. If your husband is like me, and like most men looking at porn or worse, he is afraid of true intimacy, afraid of really “being known” even though that’s what he truly craves inside his closed heart. Porn is safe, it will never reject him, it will never criticize him. But on the flip-side, it will never truly accept him, it will never know him, and it will never really fulfill him and give him what he really and truly needs. He needs a wake-up call as to what he is really doing and how he is affecting you and his family. The destruction that he his causing not to mention the ultimate damage of this sin to his soul.

      You should not accept his behavior and say that “at least hes not doing worse”. Lust is lust, sin is sin, rejection is rejection. It still destroys your marriage and your family. Years ago, i used to say horrible things to my wife about her being overweight. Today, I truly feel that my wife is beautiful. I see her inside, I see hear heart and the beautiful person she is. And that true love makes me want to be close and intimate with her. Even though sex between us does happen, I crave the true intimacy not the sex.

      If your husband is willing to take accountability and do the hard work of looking inside himself then both of you can turn your marriage around.

      If your interested, I wrote a candid book on my addiction and my recovery. Its called “From One Addict to Another”. I would be happy to mail you (for your husband) a free copy of the book. You can contact me through my website at addict2addict.org. If your husband reads my whole story, he may just get what hes doing and how its effecting you as well has what he is actually looking for.

      I will pray for you and your husband.

  18. Hi everyone. Thought I would post my story, its kind of long so I apologize in advance. I will start by saying that YES the majority of “stuff” has happened in the past. That being said, I started dating my husband when he was married (I know horrible I know). But I didn’t give him sex, we hung out and flirted alot, kissed. I knew he was into porn then and when his wife finally divorced him and we became exclusive and moved in together. It bothered me but I bought into the whole, I have needs and I’m a guy and hey I didn’t want sex all the time as I had endometriosis and alot of pain. In fact remembering alot of the sex way back then, it hurt! So yes, although it made me feel like crap, what could I do, let him have his fun. Fast forward to when I was in my late 20′s and two kids later .. we got our first computer.because I didn’t and still dont drive so I wanted to find a job I could do at home. Well a little while after we got the computer I still had no job, my husband had made complaints about that since “that is why we got the computer” aside from him looking at porn and camgirls and what he says .. searching women who look like me lol but I’m right here! Ok anyway, One day he throws it out there that he thinks I would be good at being a camgirl and shows me a couple of websites. If ya can’t beat them join them you say? Thats exactly what I did. For 10 years no less I was taking naughty photos, having livesex on camera and appearing on shows like Playboy channel and Howard Stern. We even met up with one of the owners of a site I worked for for a hotel photo shoot that just turned into sex which was videotaped. He whacked off to that tape for years. I stopped all adult sites and appearances when I was 37. Then I hit 40 and it felt like a ton of bricks hit me in the stomach. I’ve guess I had gotten so used to the high of what I used to do and sex being all around us during our intimate times (of course at night while the kids were sleeping) that after a few years of feeling like I was living an honest “good” life working customer service on my computer .. that I started noticing my husbands wandering eye and it hurt. He was still in porn mode especially since he has a vasectomy and had to get rid of stuff before his check up to see if he was sperm free. He would whack to porn behind me as I took calls and tried to work (my office is in my bedroom). And it just felt bad to me. His cousin would send him naked photos and of course he had his own sites he got to see what he wanted to see on also .. it just made me feel so diconnected from him and created one hell of a grip on me that I can’t release. Even if he looks at another woman I feel sick because if feels always about sex. He has erection problems and has for a long time with me. There are a dozen excuses for it that some of should have cleared the air .. I love sex now. I want to do it all the time well I did .. thats starting to diminish as I just dont feel sexy enough for him. It really wasnt about porn for the past two years its just about his need to see sexy or half dressed women and really make it known from his facial expressions that he was mentally tearing that up. My kids are grown, one moved out. I’m bored. And Im terrified that this will be the rest of my life. My husband sneaking admirations of women whenever Im not around and when I am, how blatantly obvious he makes it when he pretends not to look .. but he really is. I have software on the computer so he happens to run into a hot celeb once in a while because of course they are on the sites he has to go to for his email or all of his other fantasy crap. I like to call them time wasters. And all the while, I feel cheated and I feel my kids were cheated growing up because their daddy stayed up half the night entertaining himself and slept the day away on his days off. Leaving me to be the one who did MOST of the housework and most of the raising the kids. And our son has Aspergers, what a difficult child he was. I got through it. Now he is making changes, he calls them adjustments. I feel like what that word means is he doesnt pull up junk o the computer anymore because he knows I will see what he has seen. He does come to bed with me now because I stay up half the night with him and we have much more sex now. But if Im not around he still claims that hes not looking and he loves me and doesnt want to hurt me but I dont feel like I can trust that at all, nor do I really know why its killing me. And he hates hearing about the past since he is trying so hard for me. Thats how I got this way. ALL of my life with him had came to a head, all we have been through, all that I felt I’ve been through alone. Like I said, hit me like a ton of bricks when I hit 40!

    What I want to know is, if there are so many women out there who are going through this … where can we come together? Where can we form an alliance or free support for each other. I cant afford to pay for counseling and I thought if we all got together .. heck even just to go our for lunch, dinner or drinks once a week or so .. that would really help all of us to let it all out and feel part of something at the same time. I know if would help me. Girl power! lol. Im 43 btw but I still like to have a good time. I have no girlfriends but one who lives far away from me and I dont see her as often as I’d like to. Since I dont drive, I’d love to know whats local and what other ladies would like to form a bond. Can email me at my email address listed. Thanks for listening to all of that. I feel better for a couple of days once I get that all out .. then boom something else happens and Im sure its more ME than my husband at this point .. but I simply cant trust, have caught too many lies. Thats what happens!

    • Hi Amanda,

      Thanks for sharing your story with us.

      I don’t know many places for women to gather to talk about these issues. There are groups that are designed for partners of sex addicts, like POSARC and S-Anon. There are also church groups that are broader in focus, Celebrate Recovery.

      There is, of course, a great irony to your situation. For years you helped to produce material that led the lusts of men, many of them married. Now, you are experiencing more of the hurt that comes when your husband doesn’t “have eyes for only you.” It sounds like you’ve talked about all of this with your husband, but what has he said in reply? He obviously doesn’t believe lusting after other women is wrong, but what has led to your conviction that it is? Have you told him why you are hurt by it?

  19. My heart hurts for these wounded women and children that are all part of the seed planted by porn. I have been married 22 years the last two I have stayed after catching my husband in porn I stayed letting him get help to work through this. It has been two years of my waiting on him to talk to me two years of my reaching out to him two years of his continued lusting which he has done for years, friendships with women pet names ect at work and masturbation.First I will tell you as women, let Christ be your groom now. He will show you what a husband is meant to be. Let Him help you with you. God will not change your husbands heart no matter how much you pray i have done that for years, He is not a God that forces Himself on any one. What I have learned is we can pray for a softening of there heart, laborers across his path and a hedge of thorns around him. Scripture says we can ask for that and I do. Pray for there eyes to see. There is no situation that is exactly the same but he pain disbelief betrayal fear and death of a marriage is common ground. I have stood and God promised me in the word He would never let me be deceived by him again. Let the Holy Spirit lead you. I knew when my husband was still into the lie and sadly he was. As long as the evil is left to linger in your home the seed of it will continue to impact us. I am done. I am so many things that there are no words for but I have fought for this marriage for years to no avail but what God has raised up in me through it is amazing. This is past hard but to live with such a horrific sin is an insult to God and a horrible witness to my family. My story is long with many twists and turns to long for this site. So I kick the sand from my shoes and ask God to lead me as I have him leave.

  20. The comments I read about it’s not sleeping with other women is a lie! Looking at porn you are sleeping with everyone one you see including the men. Your masturbating to it is seed falling on barren ground. Open up the word !! It would be better to pluck out your eye than to let it lead you into sin!. It does not matter the excuse or the reason is is an evil thing that is driving marriages to hell!. If you loved your wife would you die for her? Many would say yes but seeing this killing her in front of you has not stopped you. Get Christ get in the word listen to only christian music talk to her pray together get accountability partners turn your back to it and reach out to other men! Let the sin become a tool to reach other souls your destroying you your wife your family! Get scriptures print it out place it every where With Christ you can do all things. God help us God help this country.scripture says in the end times we will do right in our own eyes.
    .

  21. What is the reality that these men actually change? I’m 40 years old and have been married for almost 20 years. My husband is a good man and father. He’s a leader in our church and always willing to help others. Everyone loves him.

    We’ve been dealing with his pornography use for our entire marriage. Although I didn’t know it until about 5 years in. The first time I found out he was very angry. Reluctantly went to therapy to pacify me. We went through this every few years.

    After the birth of our daughter 11 years ago I found more stuff. This time he was truly remorseful. I was heartbroken and in tears. He voluntarily spoke to our pastor and a few other men, became part of an accountability group and really saw how it was damaging our marriage.

    That brings me to now. We are 3 months shy of our 20th anniversary. He is in our praise band at church. I find these sites he’s been visiting again. He said he was ashamed and had already been trying to put them behind him. That’s why he recently joined a new Bible Study.

    At this point I’m just tired. It’s the same thing over and over. I wonder if he can ever change. He’s so good at lying I wonder if he’s lying about other things. I think of leaving but then I wonder if all men are like this. Would I just be going to put my trust in another man only to be lied to again. Also I don’t really want a divorce because they are messy. My own parents divorced 3 times and it was awful. Plus my kids love him. It would break their hearts,especially my daughter, if I left him. They do not know about his secret life. So a divorce would be a shock for them.

    I am just so tired of trying. Do I just accept that it will always be this way? Do I hope one more time that he will change and be honest with me? Or do I just leave and stay alone? At least I would know that someone isn’t betraying my trust.

    • Hi Numb,

      What your husband is struggling with is sadly common among Christian men. There are, of course, many men who sin in this way year in and year out. Others find freedom (I’m one of them, as have many other men who’ve written on this blog).

      It is impossible to say (not knowing your husband’s story) what more he should do. If I was sitting across from him, I’d ask him a series of questions.
      1. Do you have regular (weekly) accountability with another godly man or men about pornography, lust, and the thoughts and intentions of your heart?
      2. What have you done to sever access to the pornography?
      3. What have you done to avoid the rituals (i.e. getting on the computer late at night, etc., etc.) that often lead to toward temptation?
      4. Have you cried out to God for help? (I mean, really. Not just thinking about it or feeling bad about it.)
      5. Have your sought out discipleship in the church to help you get to the root of the reason why you look at porn in the first place?

      As for you, Numb, many would tell you to ditch your husband. Many wouldn’t blame you for doing so. But you are no fool if you stick around and watch the transformation that could take place in him. I encourage you to do that.

      Your husband definitely needs to rebuild broken trust. This is his job, not yours. Your job is to spell out for him what rebuilding broken trust looks like to you. What does he have to do and continually do to rebuild your trust (beyond just the porn stuff)? What can he do to demonstrate that his heart is changing?

      I hope this helps.

  22. My husband watches rape porn, even though he knows I’ve been raped and abused throughout my childhood, and he is the only man I’ve ever been in a relationship with and slept with.

    When I found out I confronted him and he said he was sorry and would stop, but a year later, I found he had still been watching it the whole time. Again I confronted him and threatened to leave, I was so upset. But again he promised to stop. Now he doesn’t seem to get that just because it doesn’t say rape in the title it’s not rape, the videos he watches are just so degrading to women. I mentioned this and now he still watches porn but I haven’t seen anything bad though I know it’s just a matter of time. He watches it every time I’m out of the house even if we have just made love, how is that supposed to make me feel? He says that all men watch porn, that he can do whatever he wants with his body. I said yes he can, but I don’t have to put up with it. He says it’s just fantasy and he wants time to himself where he doesn’t have to worry about pleasing anyone else, but there’s more productive things he could to with time to himself, something that doesn’t cause the woman he loves so much pain.

    He tells me all the time that I’m beautiful and sexy and he tells me he loves me but how can I believe it when he watches porn all the time? If I say outright it’s porn or me, what if he chooses porn?

    • That is a critical question, isn’t it? Are you willing to put your foot down in a way that means you might lose him?

      I’m so sorry to hear your story, Kana. It is terrible what your husband is doing, both to you and to the women who are being abused in those videos. His endorsement of that material only further enslaves those women and only harms his marriage.

      He is right: many men watch porn, and it is a cultural norm. But that does not mean it is right. There are many things that are common activities, but just because something is common doesn’t mean it is healthy or good.

      It sounds like your husband has changed his tune over the years. Before, he said he would stop. Now, he defends his actions as normal.

      I highly recommend you read this series, especially part 3. It will help you to take some next steps.

  23. Porn has always been an issue in my 5 year relationship with my bf we have 2 kids and the reason I haven’t married him is because of this. Hes a freelance arist & says that he does it for refrence/art only but I know that may not be true because he would hide it from me and delete it. So just last week I decided to allow him to do what he has always wanted draw cartoon/anime pronography with certain rules in place but he has failed to abide by them. I have never.seen him put this much effort in anything which really hurts he doesn’t even put as much effort in gigs that pay but yet he will view porn and draw for hours on end yesterday he was up until 10-4am which really upset me because he has never worked on a paying project this much ever! The only.reason I allowed it is because he’s always wanted to draw this but he just told me about it about 2 years ago & always says how much money he would make and even though I always said no I always found he would look at porn so that’s why I finally said yes but to be honest it hurts me how much he is into this shit having him stare at women’s private part all open and there huge breasts and beyond explicit images of them hurts a lot. I don’t know what to do I feel like if he does not do this he will be miserable for the rest of his life and regret it.

    • Jen,

      Don’t feel as if you are trapped and unable to do anything about this. For your situation, I’m going to recommend you download this e-book and read it. It will help to bring you some clarity. I know you aren’t married to him, but your relationship is much like a marriage and has the same dynamics. I hope this books helps.

  24. Hello,
    I want to first say that I’m married to an amazing man of God that has my heart. We have a beautiful eighteen month old daughter, and are now 4 months expecting from a planned pregnancy. We are going on four years of marriage and for the first two years had a very plentiful and healthy sex life. My first pregnancy with our daughter however did bring about some marital problems. Even though I am a woman of God I was experiencing a lot of things spiritually alarming. Our sex life came to screeching halt. I felt worthless, shameful, and undesirable. I had always had problems with self esteem prior to my marriage. He started becoming friendly, and very familiar with women in his workplace. I felt threatened by these women, but I held it inside for so long because I thought I was just being jealous. I did find a candid picture of two of the girls ay work in his phone, which was a little peculiar. I finally did talk to him about it later and we prayed together about it and he told me that my feelings were not unfounded, since these women did mean to cause our marriage harm. He since then promoted to a manager and is now working at a different store. Praise God. Though since we are now expecting again I just recently found that my husband had looked at pornography. I confronted him about it, and we talked very peacefully about it. I told him I wasn’t angry at him, I know this has to be embarrassing and I realize that it is a real struggle for men. I just feel really hurt. Especially because of the pain I went through for our first pregnancy. It is important to me to exhibit grace, not be the victim, and not feel maliciousness towards other women. Though I can’t shake the feeling of hurt. The only reason i know is because I went to look on his ipad to find some shows on a netflix app for our little girl and there was a page open that read “free porn.” I calmly addressed him about it and I had to explain, which made me feel that if he could have denied it, he would have. What really hurts me is that day he let me nap and put the baby down, he came to bed sometime after wanting sex. Only for me to find that he looked at porn beforehand. It makes me wonder about our previous sexual encounters. He often stays up late and plays video games, and sometimes will come to bed and want to take me very quickly while I’m asleep. Which I don’t mind because in my little pea brain I feel like “He loving me!” But now, I wonder if I was just a conduit to his arousal from the pornography. I honestly do not know how often he frequents those pages, I don’t want to ask because I don’t want to nag, and poke, and prod. I honestly don’t know what a porn addict is, or if he is one. I do feel very fearful. A part of me just wants to initiate sex more, in hopes that it aids in preventing temptation, but the other part is afraid to bear my pregnant body to him. Especially since from here to six months I am only going to get larger, gain more, weight, and feel less desirable.

    • Hi Callie. So sorry to hear about this discovery of your husband’s porn problem.

      Of course, it is good and healthy for both of you to initiate sex often in your marriage, but he has to be intentional about not looking at pornography as well. He has to see it as a problem himself.

      This book might be a big help to you. It’s called Porn and Your Husband. It’s a free downloadable book that will walk you through some of these tough questions.

  25. Hi Everyone, I just read some stories and honestly tears came into my eyes like water fountain just turned on. I am so sorry for what you ladies have been going through. I would like some advice because I just don’t know what to do. Today is the horrible day that I also found out my husband has been watching porn. The sad part is that all this time, I thought he was religious and loved me. I trusted him so much. The worse part is that it has been going on for more than a year. Since I found out, I’m only thinking about divorce apart from crying. I feel very veryyy confused. I don’t know how to deal with this. Usually I share everything with my sisters, or family, but I feel so embarrassed to tell anyone. He’s searched up porn sites, viewed youtube, porn sites, and images of actresses. I just can’t believe him. To me, porn is very similar to cheating on your wife. THe only difference is that you are not touching that person with your hands, you are touching the person with your imaginable “hands” or your desires. It feels just like he slept with someone. I have only loved him and can’t even imagine him loving someone else. Maybe he doesn’t love them, yet imagines to have sex with them??? How gross and hurtful? I just can’t live with the thought that my husband would do such a thing. I always found him calm, gentle, loving, and respecting me. How can he do this then? If he had done it before our marriage, maybe I would have understood. But even after marriage? It makes me feel like crap. I have always made myself available to him. I don’t understand why he would do such a thing to me. and it didn’t happen only when I was not available. Sadly, he’s been doing this even when I was available. I don’t know how to confront him. I always found my self pretty, and had confident. This just made me lose my self esteem. I feel like crap. I would like to offer some advice to males who watch porn and are reading this:

    My entire purpose of sharing my feelings was for Males WHO WATCH PORN. Please don’t destroy your relationship, and don’t lose your loving wife over some internet crap. It is hundred times better to stop right now before its too late and she finds out. I don’t know if I will be able to forgive my husband. Because addiction is hard to quit, and porn does get addicting. Save your relationship if you can, while you have time. If your wife found out already, beg her til she forgives you and make it up to her in every single way possible. and NEVER disappoint her again. Thanks for reading.

    • Hi Amanda,

      Thanks for writing. I do hope men stumble on your words and take them to heart, because they need to be heard.

      You said you were looking for some advice, so I’ll try as best I can to reply…

      1. The reason why watching porn feels similar to cheating is because it is a type of unfaithfulness. He has been unfaithful to you with his eyes. You are right to feel betrayed because that is exactly what he had done to you.

      2. Your marriage is not beyond hope. Countless couples have stared this unfaithfulness in the eye and chosen to work through it, chosen to forgive, chosen to rebuild trust. I do not know what is in store for your marriage, but I do know your marriage is not beyond hope. (You can listen to interviews from many couples on our blog to give you hope: Darren and April, Chris and Cindy, and Traylor and Melody.)

      3. Your questions are very common for a wife who is facing this problem. I highly recommend you read this series of posts by Ella Hutchinson. She addresses many of these issues.

    • I too am in the same boat as most of you. It has crushed me every single time I have found that my husband turns to porn and it has sickened me to the point where I am ready to divorce him so he can be free to watch whatever he wants. I hate the way he is making me feel. I feel not good enough, ugly, fat, boring and many other things that I know I am not. I don’t even have any desire to touch him anymore because I feel like every time we have sex, he is thinking or imagining someone else he wants. I don’t even know anymore if he really wants me or something else. Of course he says he wants me but how am I supposed to know if he really means it or is just saying it to make me feel better? It absolutely does make me feel cheated on and I feel like I want to cheat on him. And if I do that, whether he finds out or not, I know this marriage will be over because I will not be able to stay with him if I am going to be dishonest. It happened before when we were together 20 some years ago. He was giving a girl at work a ride home sometimes and I was convinced he was cheating with her so I decided to cheat on him and eventually was not able to live with the idea of being dishonest so I broke up with him. I found out he wasn’t cheating with her but it was too late. I never told him until we got back together in 2005 and he didn’t take it very well even though it happened 20 some years ago. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I always have the feeling he is secretly looking at something or someone and I can’t take this feeling anymore. He gets mad when I catch him or he says the same thing other guys say… all guys do it and I know that’s not true. We end up in screaming matches over this which I can’t take at all anymore. He always says he won’t do it but I just feel like that’s what he thinks he needs to say to make me feel better. I do have to admit that he doesn’t do it very often but that doesn’t make me feel any better about it. This is affecting everything in my life and I need to do something to change this immediately or I am going to go crazy.

    • I had a chat with a psychologist/social worker a while ago, and she has a saying : “if you spot it, you’ve got it”, meaning if you see something in someone that upsets you, the issue causing the frustration is actually yours, not theirs.
      There’s a recurring pattern in your post : “I can’t”, “I feel like”.
      I don’t want to generalize and I’m not close enough to your relationship to contextualize a lot of this accurately, but it seems the two big issues you guys are/were experiencing are deeper than pornography : insecurity and dysfunctional communication. You said yourself that you’re boyfriend didn’t cheat on you, but insecurity made you do something horrible. They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So is its opposite. You can be looking at the most beautiful flower, but if you’re eyes want to see it as a dried up cactus, that’s what you’ll see.
      In the same way jealousy and insecurity can ruin everything you look at.

  26. As the Bible also says, there’s a time and place for everything…I think this applies to porn as well. Watching porn doesn’t mean you’ll start cheating on your wife, take her for granted or withdraw from the marriage sexually or emotionally.
    Come on guys, watch it with the cliches and generalizations !
    Different strokes for different folks…

    • Obviously, we disagree on this (as you can tell from the above article). This article doesn’t say all men withdraw from intimacy with their wives because they watch porn, but that this is a risk. Watching porn is unfaithfulness to your spouse.

    • You are in denial if you believe that it is not affecting you or your spouse. The Bible clearly shows that even looking at another woman is sinful, so clearly a time and place for everything would not include watching porn! Get real.

    • Hey Jen, thanks for taking the time to reply.
      I hear you but I think you’re misunderstanding me – I’m not trying to assert that porn does not affect me, my wife, or my marriage. Anything we come in contact with affects us, from somebody’s second-hand cigarette smoke thru to yes, pornography. That porn has an effect on me and my marriage does not mean that the effect is necessarily a negative one – that depends on the person(s) involved. Jesus himself says in the Bible that it’s not what goes into you that makes you unclean, it’s what comes out of you. So just because I consume sexual material does not make me unclean. I’m unclean if I treat my wife badly, or behave in a way that does not please God. And no, I don’t believe that God has a problem with someone expressing curiosity about sexuality. I believe that discomfort about sexuality is a human trait, not a Godly one. Thoughts?

    • Maybe you should be googling your brain on porn. Then maybe you won’t make your comments you just made. There is science that proves what it does to the person ane relaionships, Also what it does to the brain.

  27. Since before puberty I have had a sexual fascination for women’s necks.
    I don’t know how it started, and I have never suffered abuse.
    Pornography created a way for me to gratify that obsession in horrendous ways. It has influenced my behavior to the point that I have watched it almost daily. More than once in a sober fit of satanic lust I even assaulted an animal when I had no access to pornography. When I became engaged to my dear wife I thought it would end. Now I’m a married man with a sexual obsession who secretly watches porn when I can no longer battle temptation. My wife deserves better, but I can’t bring myself to tell her what I’ve done. I’m a coward. I feel I have the strength to stop, but I have no motivation because if I haven’t told her, it doesn’t matter when I stopped; I still did it at some time, and it will hurt her more than I can bear.
    She has spoken against pornography firmly, and I let her know that I agree. And I do. But I am a true hypocrite.

    I considered whether I would have the strength to join a monastery and devote my life to repentance after she divorces me, but I’ve decided…
    I’d rather either suffer my whole life in the flames of guilt, and go strait to hell,
    or take my own life and go there still, which would by my just portion…
    Than to see her heart break before my very eyes.
    I’m just not that strong. God please help me.

    @ Jan:
    Jesus could never justify something as beastly as porn, you freak. Keep thinking like that and you’ll end up like me. I was normal once. I WAS NORMAL ONCE. Jesus said to lust is to commit adultery in your heart, so you have broken your vows as I have. curiosity is no excuse for sin. But none of this matters. You’ll say your part, and I’ll say mine, and you’ll do what you want, and what you say for yourself will have NO affect on the consequences in your future.

    God help me and Jan.

    • Hi Me,

      I know the thought of telling your wife sounds like it is worse than hell itself. Believe me, I get it. That is a confession no Christian man wants to make. It is terrifying and heartbreaking.

      I know it must seem like a sacrificial act to put your wife’s happiness ahead of your eternal happiness, but what it sounds like you’re doing is putting your wife above God. You sound as if you are willing to brazenly sin against God, keeping everything a secret from you wife, so you can help your wife to avoid pain. You know I don’t know your heart. I’ve only read this brief comment of yours. But ask God to search your heart: are you willing to betray your marriage vows by watching porn, spiraling deeper and deeper into sexual bondage, keeping everything a secret, just so you can continue in the sin and spare your wife some heartbreak?

      Going to hell won’t help things. Hell is the place where the insanity of our sin and self-absorption reaches an eternal climax, always lusting but never satisfied. Your wife doesn’t want that for you. You shouldn’t want that for yourself. Don’t spit in the face of Grace. Jesus is able to save anyone who comes to Him.

      Change is possible. Change is more than possible because we worship a God performs the impossible. This is an addiction, but God can overcome addictions. But change will involve you letting the secret out. I know that sounds like a high price to pay, but it is not as big of a price as your wife is paying right now. She may not know about your addiction, but it is robbing you of the man you could be, thus robbing her of the husband she could have.

  28. I know you’re right Luke. Deep down I know it.
    Please pray for me. I don’t know how or when I’ll tell her but it will have to be soon.
    We hope to have children soon, and I want her to know who could be raising her children before that happens so she’ll have a choice as to who or what will take that job.
    I don’t know how to do it. I’m so scared. She makes me as whole as I’ve ever been, aside from this dark rift I’ve hidden.
    Please help me find the strength to tell her, and to be alone without causing harm to myself, because the temptation will never be greater than at that moment.
    I need so much help.

  29. Hey Me,

    I’m really proud of you for your desire to obey God. One of the most encouraging things in the world is when God drives us to the point where we must choose Him or death, and then He gives us the ability to do the impossible and choose him.

    I want to challenge you to keep confessing even in the little struggles–in fact especially the little struggles to the godly guys you have as accountability partners in your life. Staying in the light is SO important.

    Let me leave you with three thoughts:

    1. Lust/porn are symptoms of a worship problem. As Luke often says, you worship your way into this problem, and you must worship your way out.
    2. I highly recommend Heath Lambert’s new book Finally Free.
    3. I think Zechariah 3 is a passage you might want to read. If you are committed to loving God today, you could hardly find a passage more encouraging and convicting in all of Scripture.

    I’ll be praying for you as often as I can remember. Trust God to complete this work–and obey Him as you seize His promises!

  30. I recently found a USB stick with some porn on it. My husband claims is years old and he hasn’t viewed it, except the day he found it for one minute then he felt disgusted and shut it off. The thing is he didn’t throw it away, but looked it up, where I found it. I believed him, because he seems very remorseful, but I wonder why it wasn’t thrown away and I am torturing myself with the images I have seen of the perfect bodied women, so sexy and my husbands dream. I also have this sick need to want to view it again just to hurt myself more. I want to see what she has that I don’t, even though it’s obvious. I am the mother of 3 of his kids, and 6 months pregnant with our fourth. I feel like I need to trust him, but can’t.

    • Hi Becky,

      I am so sorry your eyes were subjected to that. It can put some lies in your head, for sure.

      Keep in mind, one of the reasons men get sucked into porn isn’t just because of the bodies of the women. What they are drawn to is the whole experience: they can see whoever they want, how ever many women they want, all completely customizable, all clickable, and none of the women have needs of their own. Porn is not just about lust, but about power. My point is that no woman, no matter how she measures up to society’s standards of beauty, can compete with an harem of women on a thumb drive. The problem is most definitely not you.

      Assuming your husband is telling truth, it is good that he showed remorse and that his gut response to seeing the porn again was disgust. I don’t know the depths of his porn habit in the past, but it shows great progress to go for a long time not watching any porn.

      He didn’t destroy the thumb drive because he wasn’t completely repenting of his sin. At the time when he hid it away, he wanted to reserve the right to come back to it some time. Perhaps he forgot all about it for a while and stumbled on it himself. I don’t know. Either way, I hope leaving a back door to temptation open has taught him something valuable. What is important now is the two of you talking about ways he can rebuild trust.

  31. My husband and I have been together for 9 years and I have known about his addiction for about 5 of thoes years. I have confronted him about it in the past but he denys it. In the last 2 months I have noticed a spike in his porn watching acitvity but I haven’t said anything about it yet. He buys the movies on our TV, I see the bill but he thinks I’m too naieve to realize what the $20 movies are. I think tonight will be the night I talk to him about it. We have 4 kids together, the youngest is 2 months and I just don’t have much of a sex drive and he seems to be offended by it.
    I realize I have been neglecting him since at the end of the day I am too exausted. He hardly talks to me and when he does it’s only in a sexual nature. He dosen’t cuddle with me anymore, he turns away from my advances. The only time he seems interested in me is when I’m washing dishes and he will pull my pants down, jerk off behind me then cum in my undies. That irritates me. There is no foreplay, no talking or kissing then he walks away and I am left with a mess in my panties. I feel hurt and unwanted like I’m not good enough anymore.

    • Wow. What your husband is doing to you is about the most unmanly thing I can think of: using you for sexual pleasure and then turning around to get pleasure from women on a screen. Pathetic.

      If you do confront him (and I recommend you do) go into that conversation with as much info as you can get. If you can get access to the movie titles, do it. If you can check Internet history in the home, do it. Find everything you can so there’s little wiggle room for him to lie or be evasive.

      He may outright admit it. I recommend you read this book if that’s the case. It’s free to download on our website and it is specifically for women like yourself.

  32. I have been married to my husband for 6 years. Going into the marriage I had no idea about his porn addiction. We have struggled tremendously throughout our marriage because it’s on going. I’m tired of being lied to. Here’s the problem- this last incident he did come forth and tell me that he “slipped” but he lied about the frequency and type. He seems to be into some pretty graphic rape porn. Honestly, it scares me. It’s just gotten more and more graphic. I have tried to be understanding and work with him but I don’t know if this is where I should throw in the towel?

    • I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this, Tiff. Unfortunately this is the direction a lot of porn goes: more violent, more degrading. Does he know that you know about his lie?

    • Your husband (judging only from the details you gave and inference) is struggling. It is a complicated struggle – and you do need to confront ANY lies in a marriage, especially those related to sex… however please also don’t swallow anything you hear from even “Christian” sites or books – the one-sided carte-blanche oversimplifications that resonate with how you FEEL (valid) can be as sick and satanic as the world he is flirting with… if not more. I pray you will unreservedly continue to give him your whole heart and love as though you’ve never been hurt – that approach will never bring shame upon yourself, and if it brings pain it will be worth it in the end. It DOES without question need to be dealt with, but understand if you even have a towel to “through in” because your husband isn’t perfect or has sin – perhaps you have some soul searching to do yourself. Whatever flavor (denomination) or depth your walk with Jesus is, a human heart given to another is worthy of no less – and only you and God can work out what has been given to you and thus owed back – be very cautious in making that assessment and I highly recommend you be wary of ANY voice that resonates with what you feel. It is ABSOLUTELY without question you do not deserve to be made to feel like not enough, and that porn is dangerous – but so is ALL sin, and emotional abandonment is no less.

  33. confronteI’m gonna be a bit short with this. Just want to know where my husband stands in between either having a addiction to porn or is it normal and how am I to feel/address it. I’m 27 he’s 32. We been married a yr. I confronted him about watching 2months ago. We sorta agreed from my point and his point of view. Now last night I checked his browser on phone and there’s a lot of browsing.. I can constantly have sex with him 4times a day if he would feel the same. We have maybe once a week then we were dating it was 2/3times.. now not so much. I tested him actually. Went 8days without making a give to him. He didn’t even budge. Idk what I’m lacking and why he feels he’s gotta be connected to that. I get I’m tired or I just wanna relax tonight. Right after he just took jes edge off… I hear this all the time any man would love to have a women like me. I’m a bit of a sex fanatic. It’s not like I have to have it. But mostly I love it with my husband and want to enjoy it now before my drive runs out… any help anyone??

    • Renee,

      Nothing you are doing is driving him to the porn. You didn’t cause this and you can change it. This is something he must choose to change in his life.

      It comes as a surprise to many people that men will still look at porn even though their wives are beautiful by society’s standards and are sexually very available. This is because looking at porn isn’t about just wanting sex. It is about wanting a fantasy.

      I highly recommend you get this book (you can download it for free). It is all about women in your situation: Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives.

  34. Luke – can I correct you, without it being taken as an attack? You are wrong to categorically say it’s about wanting a fantasy. Could be, maybe was for you… but you cannot just say that’s what it is – and I correct you not to split hairs or get my 2c in (believe me if I was getting my 2c in my post would not fit) – I say it because the struggle is for some far more complicated than anything I’ve ever seen addressed, and you are speaking to lives that may very well hang in the balance. I’m not even saying you’re necessarily wrong, but only he can tell you.

    Renee – don’t believe (everyone here will agree) it has ANYTHING to do with being about you not being enough, your fault, or anything alone those lines. I would also encourage you (as most here will DISagree with) to NOT read anything – or listen to anyone but God and your husband. Be understanding, and honest. Above all woo him to be honest with you – give him a safe place to be real with you, it is VERY hard to tell someone you love something you know will hurt them – practically impossible if they don’t believe you will understand. He is not necessarily not worth fighting for… and focusing on you – what you should / should not have to deal with, what you deserve, how you feel or what is right / wrong is not the way to healing.

    • Hi Scott,

      Perhaps the issue is related to the way I’m using (or not defining what I mean by) fantasy. Porn, by definition, is fantasy (as least as far as I’m using the term here), in the same way we would say all movies are fantasy: it tells a story about things that happen in an alternate world. Can you help to clarify what you mean?

  35. This is a demonstrative evil industry. I have determined to pray, the WEAPONS OF OUR WARFARE are mighty to the pulling down of strongholds… WE WRESTLE NOT AGAINST FLESH AND BLOOD BUT PRINCIPALITIES AND POWERS AND RULERS OR DARKNESS. I believe we are praying for ourselves, marriages and families, we must pray that God and His great power destroy this entity, from the financing, producers, acting-victims, users, and the internet/websites, and human trafficking, i.e., “the seller of souls” this is huge !!! Our Lord IS our redeemer and restorer, HE is also a warrior!

  36. I have been married to my husband for 27 years now and first discovered his porn just weeks into the marriage. He has told me in the past that he’s quit but I always find it. He has hidden it in some pretty creative places and when I find it, I’m not usually looking for it, I just happen to stumble upon it looking for a hiding place for a gift, cleaning or whatever I’m doing I always seem to find it. I always threaten it’s either me or the porn but of course I can’t leave because I really do love him and would feel so horrible to do that and also I cannot support myself. He has always said he needs the porn to masturbate when he’s feeling stress, can’t sleep or when I’m having my period. He has even admitted to masturbating at work and he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it! He has been having a hard time finishing sex with me and I know it’s because I don’t measure up. I just don’t get it, it is very hurtful and he knows it hurts me but he continues with his porn He has even said to me that I only think I am hurt. He has also stated that he thought he had married a “modern woman” and when I questioned what that was I found out that it is a woman who not only is okay with porn but also watches porn with her husband. I had never given him any reason to believe I would be okay with that so I believe he was just trying to make me feel like I was old fashioned and not like other women. The latest thing is that I may need some expensive dental work so the trade off is he’ll pay for my teeth (I work also so I too will be paying for my dental bills) so I won’t harass him about his porn, I hate that he is using porn to bargain with, especially with my teeth! There have been so many fights over the years and then I feel so guilty about being so angry that I forgive him and then not only do I hate myself for being such a witch, I then hate myself for not sticking to my guns with the porn issue. I really don’t understand why men like this even bother to get married, sometimes I swear he loves his porn and his hand more than me! I feel so bad and guilty about it all and yet my husband doesn’t seem to have any of these bad or guilty feelings. I’m not the one who’s turning to porn so why do I always feel like the bad guy?

    • You feel like the bad guy because you are insisting he remove something from his life that he enjoys and that, quite frankly, many men enjoy, so it feels like you’re totally out of step with the rest of the world. In a sense, you are, because porn has sadly become the norm today.

      Since I don’t know all the conversations you and your husband have had, its hard to know where to start, but here are some thoughts for you.

      1. He needs to hear why porn is so detestable to you. Say, “You wouldn’t like it if I was sharing my body with the world online for other men. [Hopefully, he agrees with that.] You wouldn’t like it because I would be taking what is exclusively your blessing and sharing it with others to use me like an object. You know I’m worth more than that. This is why I don’t like porn: these women are being used as objects by other men. You are taking what is meant to be exclusively my blessing—that is, your mind, your sexual energy—and you’re spreading that around to countless women. When we got married, we took a vow to ‘forsake all others’ and this completely violates that vow. You may think it doesn’t because you aren’t interacting with these porn stars, but that is a difference of degree. The motivation is largely the same, but without the same risks: you lust for these women so you use their images to orgasm.”

      You could also say, “I don’t really believe this is the man you dreamed you wanted to become. Instead of feeling the desire for intimacy and coming to me to let me satisfy you, you sneak around masturbating to photos. Is this the kind of man you want to be? Is this the mark of a real man? I don’t believe this is what you really want. I want to be your only lover. I want us to learn to enjoy sex together, to learn to please each other, to learn to really satisfy each other in ways that porn could never do.”

      You could also say, “I also know a few things about how porn harms people’s minds. You may not buy that idea, but look at how porn has emasculated you. When you can’t reach orgasm with the woman you pledged to stay with until death do you part, there’s nothing natural about that. You aren’t an old man with health problems. The problem is in the way your mind has molded to prefer porn over real sex. If you don’t believe me, read this article, ‘Why Marital Sex is Better Than Porn,” or this one, ‘Neuroscience Speaks: How Using Porn Destroys Your Willpower.’”

      2. You need to take care of your own heart. Whatever he does, you need to put up some boundaries in your marriage the prevent him from trampling all over your heart. You can learn more about boundaries in this video and this article.

      Please let me know if this is helpful.

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