Restored Vows

One of the most important practical steps to recover from betrayal trauma is to create boundaries. Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend describe a boundary as a personal property line, the line where you end and someone else begins. A boundary defines what is your responsibility (your feelings, attitudes, choices, and behaviors) and what is your spouse’s responsibility.

One of the most important boundaries Brandon and Tonia set was using the accountability service provided by Covenant Eyes to monitor what Brandon did on his computer and phone. They picked a different friend of Brandon’s as his ally to hold him accountable, reducing the burden from Tonia’s shoulders. (In fact, we at Covenant Eyes highly recommend that someone other than the spouse acts as the ally—it reduces additional hurt to the spouse, and keeps her from having to act like a police officer or mom.)

Now is a very good time to consider implementing this boundary in your own marriage. Choose a trusted friend as an ally and take this important step. Yes, it may be a hard step at first, but it will be worth it. Click here to sign up today for a free 30-day trial.

You can learn more about how Covenant Eyes works in marriages here.

Another boundary they established was 30 days of separation. Tonia slept in a different room, refrained from any intimate activity, and didn’t even ask how he was progressing on his porn use. This allowed her to create a safe space for herself—physically, mentally, and emotionally. That degree of separation may be extreme for some of you, but it’s important to note that many recovery experts recommend 45-90 days of abstinence. This means neither of you can weaponize sex. It also gives him time to detox and reboot his body, as well as providing time to pursue intimacy in non-sexual ways.

Other common boundaries include seeking counseling, leaving the room when the tone of a conversation gets heated or when blame-shifting starts, or setting limits to avoid triggering material (like keeping the phone in the kitchen after 9 p.m.)

As you consider (or reconsider) boundaries in your own marriage, remember to set both negative and positive consequences. For example, you may set a rule like “If he removes Covenant Eyes from his phone, I will call his ally to see if the ally is aware, and if we need to downgrade him to a dumb phone.” Alternately, the rule may be “If he meets weekly with his ally, I will verbally affirm that I see growth in his life and will seek ways to show I trust him more.”

Those positive consequences are very important. Barriers provide an objective measure of behavior to rebuild trust, so show him that you trust him more as he works on his behaviors.

(Use this link to get your first 30 days of Covenant Eyes for free.)