The 40 Day Challenge Part 3: Run With

One day, two nerdy friends were discussing the untapped potential of science fiction as a literary genre, and they came to an agreement: Based on a coin toss, one would write a space travel story, and the other would write a time travel story.

With the publication of Out of the Silent Planet, Jack kicked off his non-academic writing career, eventually publishing timeless classics, The Chronicles of Narnia. And instead of writing a time travel story, “Tollers” wrote The Lord of the Rings.

The secret that Lewis and Tolkien stumbled across is the power of community. Due to their friendships with each other (and other writers), their books became enduring classics.

The Life-Changing Power of Fellowship

What does this have to do with quitting porn? Everything!

You already know that one of the keys to breaking porn’s lure is to share them. Our allies help us identify the heart issues behind our porn use: the work stress, the depression, and other “cages” that drive us to porn.

But the best allies discuss more than our pornography use. They share goals and dreams, and place behaviors (both negative ones like porn and positive ones like hobbies) firmly in the context of who we are and, more importantly, who we want to be.

Limiting conversations to porn recovery would be like Lewis and Tolkien limiting their friendship to academic topics. Those conversations would have borne a certain kind of fruit, but we likely wouldn’t have either The Chronicles of Narnia or The Lord of the Rings. An ally relationship focused solely on quitting porn would likely be successful—but it has the potential of bearing much more fruit.

Three Ways to Take Accountability Beyond Porn

1. Share all your goals.

Chances are, you’ve already discussed a goal with your ally—maybe the simple (and logical) end goal of freedom from pornography, or maybe something smaller and more specific, like “I will not take my smartphone into the bedroom or bathroom.” But consider your lifestyle long-term as well. What do you want to do in your life, personally or professionally? Who do you want to be? How is porn holding you back from that?

For example, maybe you’ve always wanted to restore a vintage automobile. Porn is probably holding you back from that goal in at least two ways. The time you’re spending on porn could be spent watching instructional videos or working on the car itself. The money you may have spent on porn could be used for tools for the work.

Whatever your goal, apply this sort of thinking to it, and talk to your ally about it. Have them ask you how that goal is going. Even if it’s not their thing, their support will still feed into your enthusiasm.

Remember, it’s okay if goals change over time—possibly even before you accomplish them. Maybe you discover that vintage cars aren’t your thing, or maybe you never thought about hobbies before. Make a goal to find one you enjoy.

There are many life-giving activities out there. Ask your ally to hold you accountable to them, and ask how their own hobbies are going too.

2. Share your NSVs.

In weight loss, there’s a concept called an NSV—a Non-Scale Victory. For example, a binge eater may report eating and enjoying one cookie instead of five. Another person may report reduced joint pain and more overall energy. Or they dropped a pants size. These all may be related to the number on the scale, but they are not defined by them.

In porn recovery, a similar idea applies. Let’s call them Non-Sobriety Victories. Most people define sobriety victories by default as “time since last relapse” (days, weeks, and ultimately years or decades). An NSV is a joyful side effect of that sobriety. For example, maybe you were strongly tempted to view porn but took a 20-minute walk out in the sunshine instead. Maybe you’re feeling more clear-headed and energetic than you have in years. Maybe instead of feeling shame every time you think about your Bible, you’ve begun reading a daily devotional. For that matter, the fact that you’re on Day 36 of a 40 Day Challenge and haven’t quit yet is another NSV. Share it with your ally and celebrate it!

3. Share your lives.

You are more than your porn use. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, you have a family of origin. You have friends, neighbors, and coworkers or classmates. You have a favorite restaurant and a favorite type of movie. You have hopes and fears.

As much as you’re comfortable, open up about these things to your ally. Share about your workplace stresses. Ask for advice about that person you want to ask out. Just be careful not to share anything you don’t have permission to share. (For example, if you’re married, your spouse may not want you sharing intimate details.)

Notice, though, that we said “share your lives”—lives plural. Invite your ally to share about their life too, and ask them questions. Counselors (such as Marnie Ferree in her book Making Advances) report that people with sexual addictions sometimes struggle to make non-sexual friendships. Your ally is a safe person to practice friendship with. In addition, you might not have had a good model of healthy family dynamics while you were growing up. Your ally might be able to provide that example so that you can break the cycle in your own home.

These are just some examples of ways to expand your accountability relationship, but they provide a good picture of what a truly healed life looks like—a life where your struggles with porn are long forgotten. This is the sort of friendship that spurred on Tolkien and Lewis, and this is the sort of community Paul envisioned when he wrote, “Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice. Become mature, be encouraged, be of the same mind, be at peace, and the God of love and peace will be with you” (2 Corinthians 13:11).

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