The 40 Day Challenge Part 3: Run With

Pornography is the tip of a very large iceberg. There are many online temptations that don’t get the same press pornography gets. Yet they are just as scandalous and wage a silent war on our souls.

The Gray Areas of the Heart

Those in the trenches helping other men overcome lust and other sinful habits know the secret: the dividing line between black and white is often not the type of content found online, but how we interact with that content.

Brian, a former porn user, shares his own experience of a common problem with Facebook. “My niece is an actress in LA and has lots of friends in the fashion business. Here’s a picture of her on her Facebook profile at an after-party from a show that she did. There are two beautiful young ladies with her, smiling at the camera. I click on one of their names, and it turns out that she’s an underwear model, and has pictures from her portfolio on her Facebook page.”

Brian then asks himself the penetrating question: “So why did I click on her name? I didn’t know her, and don’t think we can really be friends, but I was curious. Of course, my curiosity had nothing to do with her as a person, but as a beautiful young woman.”

For Brian, his concern isn’t splitting hairs over the definitions of what is sensual. His concern is the state of his heart. “The question any man has to ask himself is ‘why?’ Why am I so interested in the beach pictures from the last college retreat? Why am I curious about what lies behind that link?”

In this sense, the difference between black and white isn’t necessarily the image on the page; it is in our own hearts and motives. Visitors to any image-rich website should remember to heed the ancient proverb inscribed at Delphi: “Know thyself.”

The Image Intrigue

“Plausible deniability.” This is biblical counselor Alasdair Groves’ concern about so-called gray areas. “I’m just Googling something harmless—the kind of thing that if you saw me type it in to the search box you wouldn’t think much of it. But I’m inwardly aware that it might turn up some racy or explicit results, and I’m trying to pretend that’s not why I’m doing the search.” Groves says this is typical activity for someone who used to look at porn but has experienced some personal growth and self-control in his or her life. These hidden motives are evidences of a heart that wants to have its cake and eat it, too.

Jeff Fisher, founder of puritycoaching.com, calls these “Yellow Light” behaviors. Red Lights are clearly defined boundaries. Green Lights are safe zones. But Yellow Lights are heading in the direction of a Red Light behavior. Fisher gives several examples of this:

• Surfing online, hoping to find images, but not “technically” clicking on them
• Not clicking on a link, but going to a place where pop-ups or images are present
• Watching a romantic comedy hoping to catch a glimpse of something
• Going to IMDB.com, watching trailers and searching for actresses’ bios

All of these can be Yellow Light behaviors.

The Diversion Deluge

Not all so-called gray areas have to do with lust or titillation.

According to a survey from Pew Internet, nearly three-quarters of online adults go online for no particular reason other than to pass the time or have fun. But how much is too much?

“I think Facebook—and really any social site—is endless babble and ranks up there with porn as an indulgence,” says Lawrence Arledge, an engineer with Texas Instruments. Those who sit cloistered in their homes and spend too much time connecting online are lonelier now than ever, says Arledge. “The social implications of letting such sterile interactions dominate one’s life are not fully known.”

This does not mean social networking always leads to anti-social and isolationist behavior. Rather, we should be on guard about our “hyper-networking” tendencies: When does time online consume my mind in a way that it starts to hurt my face-to-face relationships?

“The real enemy is fantasy—the state of hypnotic fascination that monopolizes my time and prevents me from engaging in productive activity and real relationships,” says Nate Larkin, founder of the Samson Society. “And almost any website can serve that purpose.”

The Gaming Gambit

While violence is usually the hot topic when discussing the benefits or detriments of video games, online and console gaming can lead to other moral compromises.

“Online gaming is especially seductive,” says Nate Larkin. “There are few things more painful than hearing a wife’s despair over her marriage because her husband is so hooked on gaming that he refuses to engage in real life.” Gaming can isolate people and compromise relationships.

For some, the sexual content in video games is a potential pitfall. Even if one steers clear of blatant sexuality in mature games, one still has to contend with the bare midriffs and revealing outfits of animated female protagonists. Such a Yellow Light behavior can lead to moral compromise.

Accountability for the Gray Areas

So-called gray areas, says Brian Gardner, are extremely common for men who have broken free from pornography in their life. When the battle over pornography is won, says Gardner, the sin in our hearts picks a small battle to win. “If sin can gain a foothold there, it can take back its territory in small nibbles. The goal is the same, however, we must remain watchful over compromise.”

“People who are doing well in accountability groups are learning to talk about the Yellow Light behaviors,” says Fisher. “When I started checking in my Yellow Light behaviors with other men, I hit another level of seriousness in my purity journey.”

“If I’m avoiding pornography but wasting hours on YouTube or Facebook or Pinterest, or even a galaxy of theological websites, I’m still wasting my life,” says Larkin, “and a good accountability partner will call me on it.”