The 40 Day Challenge Part 3: Run With

What can an ally do to effectively help someone caught in the trap of a nasty porn habit?

Joel Hesch of Proven Men Ministries had to face that question in a recovery group. He writes:

Recently a married man from a support group I lead had two setbacks (or relapses) with porn on the same day. But rather than quitting, he sheepishly retorted, “It was just what the doctor ordered!”

One of the hardest things to understand or accept is that setbacks may be a part of the process of breaking the porn or sex addiction cycle. In fact, a setback is an opportunity to grow deeper. It’s only Satan who wants you to give up or doubt that God is on your side.

Setbacks remind you that you can’t win on your own. You need both God and helpful encouragement and accountability from a friend.

When you have a setback, and when porn appears yet again on your report, you need someone to speak into your life. But even if you have a good ally, sometimes it can be awkward or difficult for them to know how to respond to a setback. These are hard conversations!

Whether you’ve been successful at avoiding porn for a while or whether it feels like you trip up every few days, take some time to talk to your ally about how to work together through setbacks. Here are eight steps to get you started:

1. Set aside time to talk.

Don’t try to squeeze the conversation into a busy day. Plan a time to talk face-to-face or over the phone.

2. Share uninterrupted.

It may be tempting for your ally to start jumping in right away with advice (and that’s part of what you asked them to do). But they first need to listen. Share your thoughts and struggles so they can see a bigger picture of what is tripping you up.

3. Figure out how you are best encouraged.

Think about how you would answer this question: “When these things happen, what it the best way for your ally to encourage you? How can they support you?” Encourage them to encourage you in that way. The more you meet with your allies for accountability, the more intuitive they will become in knowing how to help you.

4. Look for the small steps.

Being able to open up about something that you are ashamed of is a step in the right direction. Ask your ally to keep encouraging you to open up, and to look for small changes and point them out over time.

5. Plan preventative steps.

You and your allies should both have been investigating your triggers. Together, brainstorm ways to put a wall between yourself and the temptation. (Make sure you actually listen to your friend’s advice too. Don’t just dismiss it as impractical. Since they’re outside of the situation, their advice may be less clouded by personal feelings.)

6. Tap the power of positive motivations.

Have your ally ask, “What do you have to gain in life by avoiding these temptations? Instead of giving into this temptation, what kind of person do you want to become?” Ask your ally to help you find a bigger vision for your life—to be a better spouse, a better parent, and a person of consistent faith and courage.

7. Tap the power of negative motivations.

Have your friend remind you of what you stand to lose if you keep falling to temptations (your job, your marriage, etc.) Try to resist the temptation to be defensive and confrontational. If they said something that angered and hurt you, don’t lash out at them. You may need to tell them that you need to change topics until you’ve had time to process what they said. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Prov. 27:6), but you may need space to recognize it.

8. Recognize when others are needed.

Sometimes others need to be brought into the accountability relationship: a spouse, parent, mentor, counselor, or spiritual leader. Recognize when you need help or when others need to know.

In the end, one of the keys to success is to open yourself up and be honest about your failures, and humbly listen to your allies. As Joel Hesch writes, “There is power in linking with others and openly sharing your lives, including struggles and setbacks. That is where true strength of character resides and why it’s an important part of recovery.”