Advanced Ally Training

Last time we talked about how porn use is often driven by a sense of purposelessness. Now it’s time to get really practical and personal.

Sit down with your friend and take a piece of paper. At the top, have your friend write out their personal mission statement. Divide the rest of the page into two columns.

In the left column, list out all of the triggers you can think of. Some will be emotional (like HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired). Some will be more tangible, like certain TV shows.

In the right column, write out every practical step you can think of to support that goal. Think creatively! If the goal is something like “improve my writing,” for example, you might include things like “Subscribe to a writer’s podcast” or “Install a grammar app on your browser” or “Write at least 100 words a day.” If it’s “Open my own dogsitting business,” you might need to be more creative, like “Work out 3x a week to build energy to keep up fast dogs” or “Take an online class to learn how to write good ads for my business” or “Volunteer at the local animal shelter once a week.”

Finally, look over the triggers and see what you can do when a trigger hits instead of looking at porn. Maybe you could turn off your phone and pick up a notebook and journal for a while. Maybe you could run next door and ask the neighbor if you can take their dog for a walk. As an ally, your job is to encourage your friend to do that activity instead. Will it feel natural? No, of course not. Will it take a while to get used to doing something else? Definitely. And it may take a while for your friend to figure out what does work for them. But we’ll go more into that next time.