Hope After Porn

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Porn use (and even adultery) doesn't always mean that a marriage is over. Get this free e-book to read how four betrayed wives found healing for themselves and for their marriages.

25 thoughts on “How to Confess Your Porn Addiction to Your Spouse

  1. Dear Husband,
    You know that I have too often caught you using porn, flirting with women, and pursuing any hottie that gave you the slightest attention over the years while being married to me. You have never confessed to doing these things…I have always caught you red handed. You tried to deny, minimize, blame shift and gas light me if I dared to confront you with what we both already know. I stood my ground with the Truth in spite of the demeaning insults that you threw at me.

    I have been waiting ten long years to hear you…for once…come to me with brokenness, humility, and confessing without being caught. But it did not happen…you cannot and will not allow yourself to be broken. What are you afraid of losing???

    The years of lies that you so boldly fed to me may have served YOU well, but those lies destroyed ME…slowly eroding the affection and love for you that I once cherished having. You said that you want a divorce because you cannot measure up to my expectations huh? Well, obviously the door swings both ways, because it has always been painfully obvious that I cannot live up to yours either…and now, the feelings are mutual. I wanted faithfulness…you wanted variety. I wanted intimacy…you wanted to do acts that are abominations…things that even animals don’t do. I wanted only what God has sanctified in marriage…you wanted the forbidden.

    Please do not bother to burden me with giving your “confessions” until the day that you are ALREADY A BROKEN MAN over these sins. Maybe then I will believe you…but only if you are prepared to fight to win the Victory rather than continuing to enjoy titillating skirmishes while strutting around aimlessly on the battlefield. If you are not prepared to forsake the world in order to save your soul and our marriage…then I am relieved that you finally had the decency to leave me. I can now have peace. And you?

    • I just wanted you to know that I am praying for your marriage, for your husband to turn from darkness to light, from porn to God. I’m praying for your heart, for protection, nourishment, and peace.

    • Hey Tammy. I think many times there’s so much emphasis placed on the husband’s need to stop looking at porn–which needs to happen!–that wives are often left without the help they really need.

      First of all, find a good, safe counselor that is just for YOU. Not a marriage therapist, but someone who is just there to hear you out and help you create healthy boundaries for yourself.

      Secondly, you might also benefit from a group like Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, or online at xxxChurch. Many, many women suffer symptoms consistent with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in a situation like this. Please make sure you are getting the support you need.

      Third, realize that there are steps you can take toward health for yourself, no matter what your husband chooses. Here’s an article Ella wrote recently. And here’s a link to Hope After Porn, where several women talk about their process in recovery.

      The reality we all have to face is that we cannot be responsible for another person’s choices, only our own. We can’t be healthy for them, we can only be healthy ourselves. I think the deep key to survival–and eventually thriving–in a situation like this is to be fanatically committed to our own personal responsbility for our own emotional processing and healthy boundaries. Blessings, Kay

  2. My wife is going through menopause and I am struggling with total abstinence since she doesn’t want to have any affection, I have been involved with pornography in the past month. I had freedom from this addiction for 12 years but I backslid. I don’t know if I can afford this program because I am having some financial struggles.

  3. I know fundamentalist Christians live in some puritanical world that no one can live up to, but let me tell you how the real world works. Pretty much everyone is looking at porn. In some way, shape, or fashion. Be it hardcore or soft core. My advice is that marriages and relationships are hard enough and don’t make it harder. Here is the reality no Christian fundamentalist ever speaks of. Human beings are hardwired for sex. In a male, the sexual desire region of the brain is 2.5 times larger than in females. Visual stimuli is much more potent in males. Makes have literally 10 times the testosterone as women. Do you really think men are going to stop looking at porn? Heck now. Then, there are the women. Women are doing the most porn and manipulate via sex and beauty. This is a proven fact over the ages. From Delilah to Kim Kardashian, there are millions of examples and more importantly, tens of billions of pictures that prove this.

    What I read in these comments is women feeling like they are not the center of attention. It is all about me, me, me, me me, when it comes to women. They really don’t care about the men. They care that it is not all about them. There are very real reasons why men are escaping to the porn world in America. Massive amounts of obesity (women in porn are on average 50 pound lighter than the average American woman — that is almost half a person lighter). Men are constantly devalued in this society, so if you are going to be devalued so much, why on earth should you give your wife the best because she is just going to devalue you even more. I could go on and on, but you get my point.

    Let us look at America plainly. America is a nation of addicts. Doubt this? Let us look.

    Drugs
    Alcohol
    Sex
    Porn
    Work
    Religion
    Food
    Etc.

    What caused all this addiction? Tremendous unhappiness and a puritanical view of life that condemns instead of accepts that we are all human. Until churches and religion begins to accept and understand and not point fingers or scare people into following by the promise of hell —- none of this changes. Christians simply need to get real about reality about life on this planet. It isn’t the little house on the prairie life they push I assure you of this.

    • to Dont Confess – It appears you are not man enough to use your real Name. I don’t know why you post your opinion in this blog!?! You said “Pretty much everyone is looking at porn.” So how old is YOUR mother? She must be looking at porn… I believe that Covenant Eyes is trying to help the folks who choose to stay away from porn. Please go back to your “real world” of porn & fantasy. And quit spamming this blog! thank you

    • 1. “Pretty much everyone is looking at porn.” Even if that’s true, what’s the old adage about if you’re friends were jumping off a cliff?

      2. “Human beings are hardwired for sex.” True. I have yet to post an article by any author on this blog who would disagree with this statement. But what does this have to do with looking at porn. Just because you’re hardwired for sex, why does this make looking a porn a good idea?

      3. “It is all about me, me, me, me me, when it comes to women. They really don’t care about the men.” Interesting take on these women’s comments. It’s also probably how a lot of women feel about their husbands and boyfriends looks at porn.

  4. I understand that you are entitled to your opinion, but I believe the picture you’ve painted basically means two things
    1) we as men are helpless in regards to our sexual drive/desire
    2)We are hopeless to change/control our sexual drive/appetite
    I’m a Christian, I don’t have a religion I have a relationship!! And as such I believe God is greater than any addiction. I believe that I (we) can overcome the power of sin through God’s might, and the power He gives me to control myself! There’s no denying that we(men) are visually stimulated, but that doesn’t mean we should allow ourselves to be totally driven by our instincts and impulses. We don’t have to be helpless or hopeless! I’m sure I haven’t expressed my thoughts as well as I want, because I’m very emotionally stirred by this topic, I currently am waging a war with porn and lust…and I want everyone to know we can have victory through Him!!

    • Response to Martha —

      1) There are literally tens of billions of porn pictures done by hundreds of millions of women. Those women eventually become mothers, so if mothers are not looking at porn, then they are doing it. Don’t try to shame me by throwing mothers in my face. Guess what? Women are the ones doing the most porn and most certainly are looking at it. Doubt this? Go count the pictures, then look at porn, strip joints, massage parlors, escorts, web cam girls, hookers, models, celebrities, etc. It is time you see women for what they really are doing and not what you want them to be.

      2) I am not spamming this blog. I never use my real name on the internet. I do not want junk mail or sales calls. My points though are still very relevant and very real. ALL OF THEM — can be supported by facts. I am sorry you don’t want to hear facts and live in your dream world.

      3) I post my opinion because I have an opinion. Covenant Eyes is a good site, but it is all one sided. Not looking at the current situation does not lead to improvement. It is just a bunch of people agreeing with each other and lying to each other. That is it. Progress does not happen that way. Sorry, it just doesn’t. Realistic discussion leads to improvement. Take porn for example. It is always the males fault. Always. Right? That is how it is portrayed on this site and others. Has the situation improved? Nope. It has only gotten worse. Well, why hasn’t it improved? It doesn’t improve because we never address the female side of this issue. Never. Hate to tell you but when you only address one side of an equation, then you can’t solve the equation. It will always be out of balance.

      Response to Dnell —-

      1) The biology is quite conclusive on this. To think that men will not find women desirable is folly. Do you really think women are going to stop flaunting their sexuality? Take the trend now towards yoga pants. Women are wearing them everywhere. They serve no functional purpose. A woman could wear jeans just as easily. So why are they wearing tight fitting yoga pants that leave zero to the imagination?

      2) Who told you your sexual desire and appetite is wrong? Let’s face facts. What does the average people do every day. They sleep. They eat. They screw if they can.

      If God didn’t want you to have desires, why did he make you this way in the first place? What sense does that make? If you want to live a different way, that is fine. It is your choice, but I get tired of Christians trying to mold people into some sort of ideal. What sense is there in a God who gives you a high sex drive and then he creates a book that tells you to curtail all the things he gave you? It doesn’t make sense at all. None.

      Then, your comment is very interesting. It is so male centric. Ever notice how there is not one article on this site telling women not to do porn? NO ONE EVER ADDRESSES FEMALE RESPONSIBILITY — EVER. Guess what? If women did not take off their clothes, there would be no porn. But this is what women do, they manipulate via beauty.

      The whole porn issue reminds me of the whole “music is of the devil” issue that fundamentalist Christians did in the past. There is always an evil Christians have. If it is not witches it is music if not music it is alcohol if it is not alcohol it is gays if it is not gays its porn. It gets tiring after a while.

  5. There is a certain truth in Don’t confess’ point of view, given that we live in a fallen world. From a non-Christian point of view, it even makes sense. It IS true that ungodly women do try tyo ensnare men via porn and lust. It is also true that porn is uniquely designed to entice men to sin, because of their visual nature. The problem with his argument is that it is a non-Christian perspective on a Christian website. I do not expect men who are not Christians to ever give up porn or anything else their hearts desire, simply because they have no real reason to. As Christians we understand that we are to live in the world, but not be part of it. After all, “if for this life only we have hoped in Christ, we are of all men most to be pitied”.

  6. I have to agree with Dont Confess. We tend to think of women as the cute little girls when they are children and we get blinded by their beauty when they are older. America has a tremendous double standard working in the country. Women can do no wrong. Men can do no right. But here is the reality — women completely use sex to get what they want. Just like the bible said — nothing is new under the sun and there are many stories of women using sex to manipulate and deceive. Here is the reality most people do not want to admit to themselves. Girls in high school often date much older men and are screwing them, but we turn a blind eye. In college, girls are getting drunk at ever increasing numbers (females are now out drinking men in college) and they are screwing like rabbits. Wonder why there are more rape claims now? Well, women are drinking more than ever in college and having drunken sex. Look at just about ever rape claim. They always include drinking or drugging and the woman can never really remember details. Then after college the evidence is everywhere. Just like Dont Confess said — it is easy to see. All of his examples are valid and they dont even account for the hidden numbers of women screwing for money that we dont count as escorts and hookers. Yet, America still denies. We are in a constant state of denial as to what is really happening in our country. We deny to maintain an illusion. That is all. He is also very right. We only deal with one side of the equation and repeat the same tired old mantra. Men are bad. Women are good. Men are evil and we defile women. It is such a bogus, old, and wrong mindset. It is not even nearly true. Your daughters aren’t those little girls who played house at the age of 7. Stop thinking of them as that. It is amazing how in America no one really gives a damn about boys. It is always the girls. Just wait until women start coming home dead from combat. It is okay if boys go and give up their blood and lives for America. But not our daughters. You just wait and see what happens because I assure you, American women are not fit for combat. Not at all. This nation is the most spoiled nation in the world that doesn’t even understand what suffering truly is.

  7. The women who “do” porn – many of them get into this industry because of their own brokenness or they are enslaved by those in the human trafficking industry. It’s all a cycle – driven by money. You could say that if people didn’t buy the porn, there would be no money to make the porn. The truth is that it’s all sin – to create it or to consume it. This isn’t about blame. This is about allowing God to transform us so that we hunger not for the things that do not fulfill, but for God, who satisfies our every need with our relationship with Him. It’s hard work sometimes – to be satisfied with Him – because there are so many places we can get a “quickie” to feel satisfied. But it is worth it because what He gives us never ends.

  8. What everyone is saying here regarding the culture that we live in is absolutely true. The problem with dwelling on that does not absolve me of my own guilt.Every generation of Christians throughout history has had it’s own particular challenges with regard to sin. The sexual promiscuity of this age rivals, perhaps even exceeds that of ancient Rome. However, as Christians we are called to flee immorality. I cannot use the state of our culture as an excuse before God, of my own sin.

  9. This is a reply to “Don’t Confess”

    I have not read everything that Covenant Eyes has on their website, but I have to say that porn is mainly a problem males have though females can and do struggle in this area…I have seen testimonies by them. I am one that has (and still does) struggle with porn. I have good days and weeks, then there are those times I tend to struggle with thoughts for whatever reason…usually boredom or stress seems to be triggers if I have access to the internet. I do get the impression that you are implying a “do what thou wilt” attitude, forgive me if I am wrong. That sort of attitude will destroy and those that gave into their sexual passions in the Old Testament were judged eventually. Their is a large misconception to what Christians are by the secular world. The laws of the Old Testament were to show us that we can’t be good enough in and through our own effort. Jesus completely tore this thought apart in the New Testament. The religious folks of that day “attempted” to keep the law on the outside, but inwardly they were as wicked as one who did not. You know God makes it so easy for us, but we make it so hard. Jesus compared himself to the brass serpent on the pole (John 3:14), all they had to do was look at the pole and those that were bit by the serpents would live….how much faith do you think it took for that? One of the men dying their on the cross with Christ acknowledged Jesus for who he was, his (the man) sin and asked our Lord to remember him. Those of us that are born again will see this individual in heaven. I struggle from time to time with why God will not take this problem away for good, but then I remember what Paul said when he asked The Lord to remove the “thorn”….The Lord stated that his grace was sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9) “…for my strength is made perfect in weakness”. What an awesome passage and I have to say that if I had 100% victory in and of myself I would glory in myself…and this is pride, which God hates. It is this that humbles me and draws me closer to my savior and able to speak with another brother about this problem. Jesus was tempted himself (Hebrews 4:15) “…but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.” To throw caution to the wind would be what our adversary (the devil) would want. The Bible is God’s written word not to discourage us or give us an unrealistic hope, it is to encourage us and give us hope…read the last book, Revelation, “we win.” Despite our failures, we have one that took away our sin (past, present & future). Yes, I fail and I will fail again but does that mean I throw in the towel because the world, the flesh and the devil says that it’s an impossible idea? It is impossible and that’s why Jesus sacrificed himself….”with men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:26) Paul struggled with his flesh, read Romans chapter 7, Paul struggled to the point of saying “…who shall deliver me from the body of this death.” then he thanks God through Jesus…”I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.” Jesus stated about the spirit of man (Matthew 26:41) that the spirit was indeed willing but “the flesh is weak”. Jesus tells them to what “don’t confess?” No, he tells them to “pray that they enter not into temptation” I thank God for Covenant Eyes, we need help and God has given to those of us that struggle in this area a tool that can assist us for our spirit is indeed willing but our flesh is week, be it male or female, anyone can use this software and get help. The devil is using pornography to destroy…we are not on a witch hunt the word “fornication” in the Greek is “porneia”. I challenge you to find anywhere in the Bible where that word “porneia” (where we get pornography) is used and how it has “any” positive area in a Christians life. We as Christians are not perfect, our Lord is….and thank God perfection is not a requirement (in and of ourselves) to get to heaven, but accepting the “finished” work Jesus has done “once and for all”, praise God, is! The world may be embracing everything you stated and women may be using sex to their own advantage, but there’s a payday coming and I pray that they will see their error and repent before it’s too late. They have a soul and that soul will be alive somewhere for eternity, be it heaven with our Lord or hell with the devil and his angels as it was created for to begin with. Not to rule, but as punishment. I did not say that, the Bible, God’s word said that. Brothers in Christ, please pray for me…I have recently tripped-up after 111 days clean. Please pray that our Lord gives strength to us that we as the leaders of our home can protect our families from that which is seeking to destroy from the inside. Thank you Covenant Eyes for your continued work, may God bless and give you wisdom to keep us that struggle held accountable.

  10. If you say, “Marriages weren’t designed so individual people could solve their individual problems. Marriages were designed so two people could help refine and love each other like Jesus helps and refines us,” than why do counselors across America split a couple up for counseling? He works on his problem while she works on her problem with his problem. Not logical! For 25 years I’ve done conjoint counseling with 1000s from across America with great success.

    • Hi Harry,

      I’m a counselor and I do want couples to split up for sex addiction therapy. I often see women who’ve been to couples’ counseling. Their husband is “clean and sober” and the marriage is “saved.” However, the woman has had ZERO attention to her symptoms of trauma. And many, many women will meet the criteria for PTSD in situations like this.

      I think that women should be encouraged to do whatever they need to do for their own healing. If that means a counselor of their own where they can process their grief and pain, so be it.

      Peace to you, Kay

  11. OR here’s an idea… don’t get “married” if you are addicted to porn. You are ALREADY going into the marriage breaking one of the key vows, “forsaking all others” …

    This generation is saturated in porn and for so any reasons it’s out of control.

    But I take extreme prejudice against men and women who MARRY their spouse WITHOUT THEM KNOWING THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE!

    A, If you are getting married to someone, this shouldn’t be a secret to begin with. Your spouse has EVERY RIGHT to know what you do with your lust, sin, and privates that does NOT involve them and WILL NOT involve them. Because they should have the right to KNOW. You would want to know if it was the other way around.

    B. DO NOT get married if your addiction isn’t under control. I can not tell you how many men and women I’ve counseled who use the old “I’ll stop when I’m married” or “I do it because I can’t have sex…”
    – bologna. You do it because you want to look at porn. What are you going to do if you marry someone and then illnesses prevent them from having sex? Stop lying to yourself about your porn habit. You do it because you want to… You don’t “need” sex to survive, you need to learn how to be sacrificial in your marriage and one of the ways to do that is to come clean about your porn addiction BEFORE marriage and get it cleaned up and out BEFORE marriage.

    LONG before. Don’t bring it into your marriage! Do you think God is happy about that? That you’re standing at the alter saying, “Forsaking all others” when two freaking days ago you were watching women have sex and two weeks from now (after settling and the honey moon) you’ll be doing it again? Trust me, He ain’t happy in fact, this WILL incur problems and judgment for your marriage. And you will be hurting your spouse without even trying because guess what? God sees you as “one”… So when things start happening and the marriage is going terribly, or other battles arise don’t sit there and “boo hoo” and “Lord Lord, why why”… NO! You are in secret sin that dishonors you, your wife/spouse, and hurts BOTH of you.

    Stop the bologna. Get some real facts about porn and porn addiction – from Fight the Real Drug or Shelley Lubben and knock this crap off!

    Do NOT marry someone if you are still addicted to porn and they don’t know about it. That is SOOO ridiculously unfair to them, and horrifying to discover/ find out if they believe that they are your one and only. You will just cause so much hurt.

    PS… this article says “wait for your spouse to forgive you…” LOL… Sure. Yeah, you do that. Also be prepared to be divorced. ^ Read my comment again if you’re not understanding why.

    • Thanks, Lisa. I agree that marrying without disclosing, marrying without taking responsibility for your own recovery–those choices are a simple recipe for disaster.

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