One of the greatest gifts in my marriage is that it is free of porn. It sounds like an impossible feat in today’s culture, yet I want to give you hope that a porn-free marriage is both attainable and beautiful.
If your only wish this Christmas is for a porn-free husband, that is a good and holy desire for you, your husband, and your marriage. When the struggle for a porn-free marriage seems unbearable, please don’t give up hope. There is freedom and healing for your marriage; there is hope.
From Friendship to Relationship
My husband Mike and I recently celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. Mike and I met at a Catholic young adult group. I remember being immediately attracted to him. He had, and continues to have, such a peaceful and quiet humility about him. When we first talked, he looked me in the eyes, and I immediately felt my dignity and worth. Though he did not know me, he looked at me with such love. It was exactly how I pictured Christ would look at me.
That was what first attracted me to him—that look of love for not just me, but for all those around him. As I got to know him more, my attraction for him grew. His profound inner peace, his gentle voice, his strength, and his bright blue eyes led me on the greatest adventure of love my heart has ever known.
Mike pursued my heart in a beautiful, intentional way. He made sure to become my friend before formally dating me. I wanted to date him immediately! Yet Mike took the time to get to know me. He listened to what I had to say, he drove six hours to meet my family, and he asked questions that allowed me to share my dreams, desires, and goals. All of our conversations were incredibly edifying and left me desiring more.
When he did ask if I would date him, my response was, “thank you.” And though we joke about it, I truly meant that response with all my heart. I was thankful that he wanted to date me. I was grateful that he desired to be my friend first—something that no other man had done before. I was joyful that he took the time to pursue my heart as a gentleman of God.
I had never been more certain of anyone in my life. There is a holy, heavenly peace that consumes you when you are with the person God has chosen for you as a spouse. There was no doubt in my mind that I was with the right person. In fact, I have never been more sure of any other reality in my life.
Marriage takes work!
We dated for five months before Mike asked me to marry him. We were engaged for a year before we got married. Throughout those days leading up to our wedding day, Mike continued to lead me, to pursue me, and to love me. He guided me towards Christ, and I knew this man was my way to heaven. Mike is my vocation. Mike is my prince.
The source of the ease and joy of our love story is a combination of both God’s grace, our hard work, and our mutual dedication to one another and each other’s well being. One of the reasons I was able to say “yes” to Mike so wholeheartedly was because of how diligent he was in creating the life he wanted to live and how he continued to strive to improve himself. Our “yes” to one another on our wedding day was the fruit of years of labor on both of our parts to present the best person we could be on that altar.
That dedication to holiness and purity did not stop at our wedding. Each day, as we are bombarded by images and words on social media, the news, and in our culture, we have to fight even harder to remain mentally, emotionally, and spiritually chaste for God, for ourselves, and for each other.
Related: Porn in Marriage
Mike and I both realize that we are fountains of grace not only for ourselves but for one another. Because two become one in marriage, what I consume affects Mike and what Mike consumes affects me. The more grace I am open to, ask for, and receive, the more Mike obtains. The fruit of living a life of grace and continually seeking holiness and asking for forgiveness when we fall is powerful, not only for ourselves but also for one another.
Here are some ways that we have helped protect our marriage and have kept it porn-free:
The first year of marriage we spent without social media.
We both inactivated our Instagram and Facebook accounts. That led to edifying conversations, learning more about one another with fewer distractions, and mental peace. Social media can be loud and distract us from the present moment, from the person in front of us, from our vocation, from our husband, and our wife. This small sacrifice helped us build a strong foundation. Even if you are out of your first year of marriage you can do this at ANY time! Just this past spring we took time off social media, and we were reintroduced to those special graces once again.
At the end of every month, we ask each other five questions:
1. What was your favorite part about this month?
2. What was your least favorite part about this month?
3. What is your goal for the upcoming month?
4. How can I help you reach that goal?
5. What is one way I can serve you better this month?
Sitting down with one another, looking each other in the eyes and asking these questions, have helped us grow. By asking each other these five questions, we have aided one another in overcoming habitual vices. Even more, we hold the other accountable all while striving towards goals, dreams, and desires.
Related: The Real Answer to “Do All Men Watch Porn?”
This past year, we got rid of our TV.
It was Mike’s idea and we put up one of our favorite paintings in its place. We are now able to control what we visually, mentally, and emotionally consume, and when we consume it. We still watch shows on our iPad and movies on our projector, yet it’s intentional and we aren’t at the mercy of commercials and the addiction and escape that comes with owning a television.
Yes, it is a sacrifice, and yes, it’s not for everyone, but even having set times or alarms to help control what you watch and when you watch it will bear fruit in your marriage and your life. If getting rid of your television seems too extreme, start with a prayer each time you turn on the television, or make sure you tell your spouse you love them and ask about their day before turning it on.
Having like-minded friends who are striving for holiness.
Cultivating friendships with couples have allowed us to grow in our marriage. Surrounding ourselves with friends who live out their wedding vows and call us on to holiness has inspired us and motivated us to do the same.
Getting to the root of our vices and sins.
This has helped both Mike and me flourish in our marriage. Both of us came into our marriage imperfect and our goal is to help perfect ourselves and one another. We are both broken people and each broken area of our heart, if left unaddressed, creates even more broken pieces. Getting to the root of hurts, pains, and brokenness will help heal the ways we express that pain. So often porn is a product of something deeper. Make sure to reflect, acknowledge, and address the root of the vices and sins we carry. We can be free of these sins! We are so much greater than our deepest sins. Yet we must humbly acknowledge our brokenness and seek help and healing.
A porn-free marriage is possible and if it is your wish this Christmas, continue to strive towards making it a reality. It takes discipline on the part of both spouses. It takes sacrifice. It means acknowledging that we are broken and need to get to the root of that brokenness to heal. It means asking forgiveness when we fall. It means striving to protect your marriage and working towards flourishing.
Editor’s Note: Sometimes, even if all precautions are put into place, porn will still invade your marriage. Please know that Claire’s words are not a guarantee in avoiding porn. Her words are meant to be an encouragement to those who are currently married or approaching marriage. If your husband is viewing porn, please also read this blog post!
You have shared some practices that are beautiful and thoughtful. I believe your intention in doing so is to encourage couples to connect with one another and build relationships that are uplifting and bring each other closer in the relationship and with Christ.
I wanted to share with you that, as a spouse of someone with a pornography addiction, none of these things mattered until he was ready to acknowledge his addiction, own his part in the devastation to our marriage, and turn his life to God for healing. And none of that was something I could fix or encourage by doing any of these practices. It’s that simple and real. In my experience, and that of dozens of other women I’ve shared this journey with, an addict can fake connections, deceive their spouse, present themselves as a man who is actively seeking God, and still be caught up in the awful horror of pornography addiction. And when the addiction is discovered they can cover their tracks, find fault with their spouse, disclose just enough information to ecclesiastical leaders and family members to maintain their reputation and downplay their complete responsibility for their choices.
This is common among all addictions, no matter the gender, age, or status of the addict. And wives, in particular, are vulnerable to outside beliefs about their potential role in their spouse’s addiction that are based on well-intentioned ideas of those who have not experienced this. The truth is that nothing outside of the individual with addiction working their recovery can heal and fix the issue. A wife is never to blame for her husband’s addiction. She can’t heal it or prevent it. Being more connected with her spouse is not the solution. Turning to Christ for healing is the answer. For her, for her husband, for the family and children who are impacted by addiction. And as the individuals seek healing – then connection can help heal and save marriages.
One person cannot create a porn-free marriage. And, both people in the marriage have an individual accountability to protect the relationship. There are spouse’s with pornography addictions who are doing some or all of the positive methods to build connection you shared. There are spouse’s leading congregations in worship who struggle with addiction. There are spouse’s who, to the outside world, present as healthy and connected individuals.
I am so happy for you that your marriage has been porn free! That is a blessing and I am glad you are not facing the heartbreak and devastation of a spouse with a pornography addiction. And your message will positively influence many couples to build their connection with each other.
I hope you are able to hear this in the spirit intended. As the spouse of a man with pornography addiction this article was painful to read. My heart hurts for all the women who will read this and chase down the idea that they can fix or prevent their spouse’s pornography use by doing all of these things. And they can’t. They can invite change, they can foster in their heart a spirit of love and connection. And they can come closer to the Lord. These tools are powerful in a healthy marriage. They are powerful in becoming a healthy person. They can be damaging when presented as a solution for making sure your marriage is pornography free.
Hi Tami,
On behalf of the author and Covenant Eyes, I want to apologize for any feelings of hurt that you felt while reading this post. As I edited this post before publishing, I made sure to put a note at the bottom that clarified what you wrote in your comment. I am thinking that perhaps it might beneficial to put that note at the top of the post, before women start reading.
At Covenant Eyes, we know that sometimes porn will invade your marriage, no matter what you as the spouse do. I do think that Claire’s words of wisdom are beneficial to every couple, especially those who have not felt the weight of porn in their marriage. And for those who have, there are obviously many more factors that come into play when finding healing, but I believe that Claire had nothing but good intentions in her writing.
Blessings, and Merry Christmas!
Moriah