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How to Talk to Your Man About Porn (Even When He’s 6’10” and Worth Millions)

Last Updated: March 10, 2021

Dan Armstrong

Dan Armstrong has been featured in local and national publications regarding the issue of pornography’s harm on society. He has spoken at several national conferences regarding purity, protecting your children, and being educated on how technology and porn impact the brain. Dan and his wife have five children.

Sabrina Parr made headlines when she began dating two-time NBA champion and Dancing With The Stars contestant Lamar Odom in the summer of 2019. The fitness trainer and life coach has been an athlete her whole life. In high school, she was a two-time state track champion and five-time All American at Collinwood High School in Ohio. She’s a business owner and entrepreneur.

Sabrina loves competition. She thrives on it. It gets her out of bed in the morning, pushes her in the gym to be better than the day before, and challenges her to improve daily. But there was one thing she couldn’t compete with: porn.

“He was reaching for his phone more than reaching for me,” said Sabrina about Lamar. “I had a problem with that. I want to be 100% desired especially if I’m lying right next to (him). I really didn’t understand why that was.”

Sabrina didn’t understand the addictive pull pornography has on people—the unlimited selection of anyone you want, doing whatever you want, with no commitment or fear of rejection.

“It did give me a sense of insecurity of just questioning what I need to do or who I need to be,” said Sabrina. She wondered how she could change her appearance, actions and behaviors, or tone to make her more attractive to Lamar. It gave her a lot of anxiety and discomfort.

After some thought, she realized it wasn’t her problem. She could not become something unrealistic. She realized Lamar needed to get help.

“Anytime I would bring this up to him, he would experience a lot of shame,” said Sabrina. “(He) did not want to talk about it. Just kind of shut down, didn’t have the answers. And later I learned he didn’t have the answers because he’s never been asked these questions. Ever.”

Her initial confrontations led to the opposite effect she was hoping for. “I think the shame created more pornography watching. It was just a vicious cycle,” she said.

Sabrina said a dishonest relationship wasn’t worth staying in. “My first initial instinct was to leave. I don’t want to deal with this. I shouldn’t have to deal with this. Look at me. I’m enough.”

She said it was difficult to understand why Lamar was turning to porn, but soon realized he was using it to deal with his pain from the past.

Lamar’s mother died when he was 12 years old. His dad was a drug addict. His son died at six months old. He medicated the pain with drugs, porn, and women–a lifestyle that nearly killed him. In 2015, he experienced 12 seizures and six strokes while at the hospital. His loved ones were told to say their final goodbyes. He eventually recovered and began working on changing his life for the better.

“I learned why he was doing it. Instead of just saying you’re doing this and this, okay, let me get to the why. So now we’re just dealing with things that trigger him and replace the response with healthy choices, which is still a work in progress, trying to figure out what works instead of porn,” said Sabrina.

They realized conflict and loneliness triggered Lamar to watch porn. “I had to stand my ground to not become his porn,” said Sabrina. She told him, “You have to fight through these urges, Lamar. You have to find something else. And he would do that.”

Sabrina works alongside of him to help him get through his urges. She’s his ally. When they notice temptation arising, they go for a walk, exercise, watch a movie, or get some ice cream together. They also installed Covenant Eyes on Lamar’s devices, so he knows Sabrina will see what he sees on his screens.

Porn isn’t a popular topic to talk about as a couple. It’s common to not discuss it at all. For men, it can be embarrassing, uncomfortable, and confrontational. Women also face a plethora of reasons why they don’t bring it up to their partners, and they often feel that it could end their relationship.

Sabrina understands why women are hesitant to talk to their partners about their porn use, but she’s convinced women must bring it up to help the men in their lives. (Still not sure how to start the conversation, get some more tips in this article.)

(You) just got to be not afraid to have conversations about what’s bothering you. Try to have a conversation with him. An honest conversation. I think you’ll know if he’s lying depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship with that person. Just try to talk to them and, without judging, don’t come off, ‘Why would you be…,’ like understanding, like, ‘Help me understand why you watch this. What does this do for you? And how can I help?’”

“Just watching Lamar learn these things is the turn on. It’s what makes me attracted. To watch him overcome this and not be like ‘oh, we’re dull because this porn is gone.’ He’s found other ways,” said Sabrina. “That was the difference between a very low relationship to now we’re very high.”