My heart was pounding. My hands were sweaty. I knew I needed to be honest about my struggle but it was the last thing in the world I wanted to talk about. Especially to my parents. As scared as I was of being honest, I couldn’t bear the weight of my secret any longer.
As a teen, I had been really struggling with my thought life for a while, and lust seemed to be my constant companion. These sinful thoughts and imaginations also lead me down the path of masturbation. I tried to stop many times, but couldn’t seem to break the pattern in my life. I knew my thoughts and actions weren’t holy, pure, or honoring to God, but nothing I did seemed to work.
That’s when I heard something that turned my world upside down.
My Turning Point
I was at a conference and heard the speaker talking about the powerful act of bringing secret sins into the light. Exposing them had a way of breaking the bondage they had over us. I wanted that! I knew what I needed to do.
Choosing to bring my secret sexual struggle into the light was the turning point for me. God gave me the courage to be open and honest with my parents and ask for their help.
From that point on, everything changed. My struggle was no longer mine alone to bear. I had support, prayer, encouragement, and accountability. The next few months and years looked very different. I didn’t walk perfectly, but I walked in victory much more consistently.
If you’re currently wrestling with a secret sexual struggle, I understand the weight and burden it can be. Whether it’s pornography, masturbation, erotica, sexting, lustful thoughts, or something else, you don’t have to fight this battle alone.
Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” God’s good plan for His church is that we would bear one another’s burdens by walking with each other through the hard stuff.
Jesus wants victory and freedom for you! And through Him, this is possible.
Romans 6:13-14 says, “Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.”
I want to share with you four specific ways you can deal with your secret sexual struggles right now. These four things are pulled directly from chapter 11 of my new book which is titled, “Real Talk: Porn, Erotica and Masturbation.” To get the full version, I hope you will grab a copy of Sex, Purity, and the Longings of a Girl’s Heart and dig into this entire chapter on your own. I truly believe it could be life-changing for you.
1. Pursue Genuine Repentance
For each of us, the first step toward victory from lustful sin is to recognize that we have sinned against God and are in need of His forgiveness. 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Our God is full of grace and forgiveness, willing to receive and forgive any who seek Him.
2. Bring Secret Sins into the Light
Sin thrives in darkness. There is something powerfully freeing about bringing secret sins into the light. Proverbs 28:13 says, “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” God promises to give us mercy if we expose our sin. Whether it’s porn, masturbation, erotica, or something else—if you truly desire freedom, you must expose it.
3. Seek Ongoing Discipleship from a Godly Woman
After bringing your struggle into the light, don’t revert back into your own private world again. Breaking sinful habits is hard. Don’t fight your battles alone.
Find a godly woman in your life and ask her to disciple you in God’s truth. Depending on what your specific struggle is (i.e. porn, masturbation, erotica, etc.), consider reading a biblically grounded book together on the topic. You could also pray together regularly. She could provide an “open door” of accountability where you text or call her any time you’re tempted toward your struggle.
4. Make Radical Changes
Depending on the frequency and severity of your struggle, you may need to employ some radical changes in your life to avoid sexual compromise. For example, if you struggle with pornography, consider only using your computer or phone in public places, installing a strong accountability filter on your devices, and/or taking a break from technology for a while.
If you struggle with erotica, be intentional to throw away any tempting books/movies, delete erotic content from your media devices, and avoid getting on technology when you’re alone. If you struggle with masturbation, evaluate where your temptation strikes the hardest. Maybe it’s in your bedroom, shower, or when you’re tired. Come up with a plan of action on how you’re going to handle this temptation.
Being honest about your secret sexual struggle may be the hardest to do, but it is the first step toward breaking its grip on you. I pray you will take these four steps seriously and begin your journey toward freedom today.
Related: Before You Tell Your Parents About Your Porn Struggle
Thank you for your vulnerability!
I appreciated this very much! Particularly your inclusion of different sexually-related struggles. Much needed.
As a biblical counselor your post got my attention. I see people every week habituated to sinful behavior. I work to help them “put to death” those habits. I wrote post about a person habituated to anger that you may enjoy. The process of putting off the habit of anger can be applied to any sin. https://biblicalcounselingmarriagefamily.org/anger-habit-change/
Let me know what you think?
David M Tyler,
My email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Thank you so much for your openness and the link to your book. I am so very grateful that you included other sexual sins, I need that.
Again thank you so very much
Um wow this was a great and fascinating and prosaic personal read; thanks Kristen… for all the bit I understand about John and confession you have really taken it to a deeply challenging and provocative level here… thank you is all