“I’m single, so what’s the big deal with watching porn?” A message that says it’s more acceptable for a single person to use porn than someone in a relationship sugar coats the same lie with a different colored sugar.
The truths I share in this article apply to both men and women. The personal, relational, and physical harms that stem from pornography are real and felt by both genders. Certainly, single men and women need to be informed of more than five truths about porn use, but these five are potentially the most impactful truths for singles.
Pornography use rewires the brain.
Our brain operates on a system of neural pathways that send signals to and fro in the mind and body, releasing chemicals and signaling physical responses. I’ve simplified this process for illustration purposes here.
Men and women release a chemical called oxytocin at orgasm which creates a bond in the mind with what or whom the sexual release was with. In women, the amount of oxytocin released is much higher. The divine design is for the bond to be between husband and wife. The brain, however, does not know the difference–in porn’s case, it just bonds the man or woman with an image on a screen.
This builds a neural pathway in your mind that, over time, becomes difficult to extricate oneself from. Porn has a real physical effect on your mind. Fact. (For more information, read this article on hypofrontality.)
Porn desensitizes our value of people.
People are turned into objects of pleasure for our eyes and body. People, including our spouse, become a tool to achieve orgasm and self-pleasure. Porn turns sex into an experience of getting something rather than an experience of giving. The use of porn is all about the user. God created sex, and it’s beautiful when experienced in a giving mindset.
Related: License to Lust–How Porn Trains Objectification
Pornography presents a false definition of intimacy.
When many of us hear the word intimacy, we automatically think sex. Intimacy is not spelled “sex.” It is a significant part of an overall husband and wife relationship, but it’s not just about sex.
There is a whole soul, mind, spirit, and body connection involved in intimacy. True intimacy sprouts when our greatest need of being fully known and fully loved is lived out in marriage.
Intimacy grows in daily ways in a relationship. Opening doors for her, having coffee ready for each other in the morning, holding hands, words of encouragement, and so on. For a deeper dive, read my Covenant Eyes article, “Intimacy is not spelled S.E.X.”
Sex portrayed in porn is deceptive and violent.
A healthy relationship is void of any violent elements. However, over 85% of all pornography produced today contains violence, especially towards women. Porn gives you a highly distorted view of God’s created beauty within sex. When we model our sex lives off of what we see in porn, it opens the door for all kinds of hurt and pain. God created sex to be good, and remember, it’s about giving, not getting.
Related: Porn and Sexual Violence–10 Facts from the Experts
Pornography deconstructs who you’re meant to be as future spouse.
Mark 10:45 says, “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” As we are to become more like Jesus Christ, it would follow that both men and women would take on His likeness. Sexual intimacy with your future wife or husband is about giving to one another, not taking.
The perfect time to become the husband or wife God has for you to be is today. As a single person, every choice you make regarding how you handle your God-given sexuality prepares you for marriage. Good and bad choices alike.
How much is your integrity worth to you? Your sexual integrity is part of the answer to that question. Your future spouse knows how much it’s worth to him or her, and I suspect the answer they’d give would be along the lines of “priceless.”
Related: Your Sexual Purity Isn’t Just About You
Your future spouse, marriage, and, yes, children are waiting to meet the spouse or parent they will desire and look up to. Porn will do everything in its power to destroy the man or woman you want and need to be.
Watching porn as a single will do nothing to positively prepare you for marital sexual intimacy. It will do the complete opposite. I know first hand how true this is.
If pornography or another sexual stronghold has a grip on you, take the first step toward freedom. That is a step in becoming the spouse and parent God has designed for you to become.
Brother If I can be frankly honest with you, singles dont need to hear more reasons to not look at porn. So many single christians are desperate to stop but they have no idea how. none of your points said how to stop looking at porn, they were all why to not look at porn and in many ways they were very poorly aimed at singles. I get that you have been married for 32 years, and likely dont remember being single but do these points actually help singles you councel have long term success? Lets look at your points.
1. Porn rewires the brain.
Dont you think that point is mute when the average age for exposure to porn is 8 and all adult singles are 18 and up. Why do you have this point when most singles addicted to porn have been addicted to porn all their life?
A better point for why you should stop looking at porn is that not looking at porn rewires your porn addled brain in very benificial ways, and then explain what those ways are to a group of people who have never had a sober (from porn) day in their adult life.
2. Porn desensitizes our view of people.
same as point one. Most of the people you talked to have never been sober from porn in their adult life and you need to point out how getting away from porn is going to make them see people in a new better light.
3. Porn presents a false definition of intimacy.
I absolutly love the title of this point, but then you forgot your audience. Quit frankly if you were talking to married people this point would not be bad, but you are talking to single adults so you fail spectacularly.
Intimacy is not just sex, and its not just for married couples. There is intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy. Sex is a minor part of physical intimacy. Singles have the oppertunity to develop intellectual emotional and spiritual intimacy with people and are commanded to do so in the local church in I Corinthians 12, and galatians 6.
I have not looked at porn in nearly three years and a lot of it is due to me trading porn for intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy, this is something you should be talking to singles a lot about, and I dont mean just limiting it to marriage. Great book on the subject is the seven levels of intimacy by matthew kelly.
4 Sex in porn is deceptive and violent.
This is a factually accurate statement, but for a single person who is a christian and probably a virgin, this is also not helpful. When my pastor councled me on my porn addiction do you know what floored me, I was floored when I found out that there was an emotional aspect to sex. A couple of years before I stopped looking at porn I read a biography and in that biography the author said that God made sex to bring two people closer together than anything else could. I was shocked. I never viewed sex as anything other than a physical release, and as a single guy I went to church all my life, went to christian school, went to Bible college listened to all the family programs and I had never before then heard of sex as anything other than a physical act. I would recommend talking about the emotional aspect of sex, you will be surprised at the singles who have never heard about it.
5. Porn deconstructs who you are meant to be in a future spouse.
A lot of singles are under the impression they will never get married. Honestly this is a point that I just consider dangerous. Personally I think the focus in overcoming porn for singles is the depression they are feeling from their porn addiction now, than because one day they might get married. But this is going to really depend on the single.
In conclusion the problem with what you have to say here isnt that it isnt wrong, but that you have taken what you tell to married guys and given it to unmarried guys that are supposed to not have sex until they get married which could be years away. Here are my thoughts for counselors on counseling singles with porn addiction http://www.singlevsporn.com/counselors-corner.html