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6 Common Myths Wives of Porn Users Believe

Last Updated: February 15, 2019

In the era of fake news and the proliferation of the Internet, it can be hard to find the truth. With a push of a button, lies become viral and myths are perpetuated. Let’s get real about porn addiction and stop with the lies that keep us trapped in bondage. Here are six myths that you can stop believing now about your spouse’s porn addiction.

Myth #1: I should have offered sex more often.

Let’s just set the stage with this right now: Your husband’s porn addiction is not your fault. Not your fault. Not your fault. Not your fault. Your husband is responsible for his behavior, just as you are responsible for yours.

I was 22 years old when Craig and I got married, and I was ready for sex. Lots of it. Any time! No longer were we banned from the act (yes, we waited) because we hadn’t tied the knot. There was a whole world waiting for me, and I was ready to explore it.

The problem was, though, that Craig didn’t seem as gung-ho about it as I did. I offered and offered, and though he did give in at times, that’s pretty much what it felt like—him giving in, not actually wanting it. At least, not like I did.

My point is this: I offered and offered and it didn’t do one thing to change the fact that Craig was addicted to porn. He didn’t seek out less porn because I made myself available. Even though he thought married life was the cure for his addiction, he quickly realized that his porn addiction wasn’t due to a lack of sex.

Porn is about escaping real life and entering into a fantasy world. It’s for numbing out—the exact opposite of what sex is designed to do, which is to be a way to engage intimately with your spouse. Your offering of more opportunity to engage does not satiate his need to numb out.

Square peg. Round hole.

Myth #2: I should have paid more attention to my physical appearance.

The world has been looking for the Fountain of Youth for a long time. But no matter how hard we search, no matter how much money we spend, it can never be found. Why? Because the Creator of this world did not design us to be young forever. Our bodies waste away due to natural causes, no matter how hard we try to fight it.

Now, does God want us to take care of our bodies? Yes.

Did God intend for our physical appearances to be the glue that holds our marriage together? No.

In 2 Corinthians 4:16, Paul writes, “That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.” It is the continual transformation of our hearts by Jesus that leads to the deep spiritual connection God wants us to have with our life partner. While the world wants to fixate our eyes on what is temporal and tangible, God wants to grow us so that we understand that true life is found beyond such appearances.

Myth #3: I should have been more adventurous in our sex life.

God intends sex to be enjoyable. He gave us a desire to explore each other (see Song of Solomon). He’s creative, thus we’re creative (because we’re made in His image) and we are free to use our creativity in our sexual lives.

That being said, we are also called to love and respect each other. Paul writes in Ephesians that “husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28). Showing love includes respecting the boundaries and feelings of our spouse. Many people have endured sexual trauma and may feel deeply uncomfortable performing certain sexual acts. These feelings must be accepted as valid. You should never be forced (or force yourself) to engage in behavior that feels degrading.

In addition, trying to recreate porn scenes will bring neither of you the satisfaction you crave in your sex life. Porn is a perversion of what God intended sex to be, and inviting it into your bedroom will not give you the titillating results you want in your marriage.

Myth #4: If he loved me enough, he would change.

This is not about you. Love in a marriage is not tit-for-tat. It can’t be adequately measured on a scale. You want your spouse to be free from porn because he needs to be free from porn, not just because it’s affecting your relationship. If he changed simply because of you, what happens when you’re no longer around? Would you want him returning to the empty, hollow, unfulfilling habit that is porn? No.

Now, is there an aspect to love that is sacrificial? Of course. Jesus represents this by His ultimate sacrifice on the cross for our sins. But just as using porn is selfish, so is wanting your spouse to change just because you desire it for your own well-being and security.

Can God use you to help your husband? Yes. You can love him well while setting good boundaries for yourself and your relationship.

Here’s the thing—Craig had to learn that he was worthy of being loved. He had to learn how to receive this love. You can’t pour water into a bucket when it has the lid on it.

While the grace and love I (so imperfectly) offered provided a glimpse of God’s love, it was Craig’s relationship with Jesus that showed him how porn pales in comparison with true, real, unconditional love. In this process, he recognized that he is worth more than what porn offers. He acknowledged that his porn addiction was short-changing him and robbing him of the fullness of life. This motivated him to leave porn behind and seek treasure in what is true and lasting—real relationships. Craig ultimately had to change for himself, not for me.

Myth #5: I can’t tell anyone because it’s his secret.

Porn addiction comes with it a host of shame, but not just for the one who’s addicted. Sure, I didn’t want to tell anyone what was going on with Craig because I was afraid of what people would think of him, but I was also afraid what people would think of me.

But shame is a powerful tool that Satan uses to keep us bound and enslaved to addiction. He uses it to keep us isolated. He molds it into lies like, “You’ll never be free” and “People will think you’re horrible if they knew what you do.” Shame keeps us trapped in darkness and wrapped in the false security that if we can keep this our little secret, it will all be manageable and in our control.

But exposing our sin and our problems to light is a glorious thing because when we bring them out of the darkness, we bring them to Jesus who is the light. Jesus says, “I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life” (John 8:12).

Just as much as your spouse needs exposure to light regarding his porn addiction, so do you. And just as much as your spouse is going to need a support system to help him overcome this addiction, so will you need one to heal from the hurt and betrayal. Here are some guidelines to follow:

  • Tell your husband that you need support and tell him with whom you are considering sharing this burden. This might also be a good time to discuss with whom he can discuss his addiction (pastor, close friends, counselor, etc).
  • Tell someone who is trustworthy and will not gossip.
  • Tell someone who is going to tell you the truth—not just what you want to hear. This is someone who has a strong relationship with Jesus and who will be for the salvation of your marriage.

Myth #6: I’ll never be able to trust him again.

Nothing is impossible with God (Matthew 19:26). Yes, you both have a road of healing. Your relationship has sustained damage and as you journey through this, it might feel as though your marriage is totally stripped down. But there is good news in this—what has been destroyed can be rebuilt. With Jesus as the foundation, it will be even stronger than it was before. How do I know? Because our marriage is living proof.

There are days when I still struggle with trust, but I have learned that ultimately my trust must be in God. Human beings will always fail, but God never does. With His strength, His love, His forgiveness, we can overcome any obstacle, “for everyone born of God overcomes the world” (1 John 5:4).

  1. Andrea

    What about when you’ve done the hard work to get back from the devastating effects of pornography on your marriage 2 or 3 times? How are you supposed to believe #6 then?

    • Kay Bruner

      Hi Andrea,
      It sounds to me like it’s time to reasses your boundaries at that point. Here, here and here are some articles that can help. You probably also need a therapist who can help support you in that work. A trauma-informed group could be helpful. And check into the online resources at Bloom for Women as well. You don’t have to be an ongoing victim. You get to choose healthy boundaries, and that includes divorcing someone who refuses to do their work.
      Peace to you,
      Kay

  2. Angie P.

    Maybe I can get some insight here. My husband was sexually abused for many years by another male and that has lead to all sorts of sexual trauma and sinful thoughts involving sex. He got introduced to porn at a very early age and was addicted to it for MANY years. Now he hasn’t watched it for 1.5 years but he has been having very vivid dreams of porn and being unfaithful. It’s ruining our marriage. What can we do?? He cants control his dreams!

    • Kay Bruner

      It sounds like both of you could use some therapy around this. Certainly your husband needs therapy for his sexual trauma, and you need to work through this together as a couple to discovery why he’s having these dreams and what is really going on here. Here’s a link where you can find a therapist your area. peace, Kay

  3. Alvin Coleman

    Well, i think I really need help for my wife, I really need someone to help my wife because she’s addicted to porn too,

    I tried to spend time with her and taking her out for our anniversary, and she lost her interest to have sex with me, but my health is fine! My sexual performance is fine! I am 32 but I am younger I eat healthy and go to the gym. I took my daughter to the church and we went to the church but I begged her to go with us to the church but she refused to go and rather staying at home often! But I found out that she had an affair with few men. But that article, I doubt it would help her and cure her sex addiction for that.. I have been trying to help her with her an addiction but it never work out! So how?

    Any advice would be great!

  4. Teresa

    This statement really bothers me

    Now, is there an aspect to love that is sacrificial? Of course. Jesus represents this by His ultimate sacrifice on the cross for our sins. But just as using porn is selfish, so is wanting your spouse to change just because you desire it for your own well-being and security.

    While I agree with most of the article this particular statement doesn’t line up to what I understand in Christ nor does it express the serious damage and demonic activity porn is associated with in that it allows for demonic spirits to enter into households. It is not selfish for wanting your husband to change unholy actions in something that is bringing harm to his family. You wouldn’t tell an abused wife and abused children they are selfish for wanting her husband and the children’s father to change his abusive behavior. That is a mindset of codependent thinking.

    Having experienced and then later discovered my husband’s sex addiction, porn included my daughter and myself it now makes sense why we came under years of constant spiritual attacks in which I couldn’t understand why such things were happening at the time. What kind of attacks am I talking about? When a 7 year old is continuously having dreams of being raped by monsters when she is clueless to what sex is all about is a serious spiritual attack. She was never exposed to such perversion but I understood her dreams because I also was having similar dreams. But even more serious than that, my daughter was diagnosed with epilepsy at 1 year of age and it wasn’t until my husband 11 years later when he finally repented after being exposed of his sexual sin that my daughter was finally healed. I don’t call that a coincidence!

    I recall a Pastor who personally told a story ironically during our marriage counseling session when we had asked him to pray for my daughter’s healing of epilepsy. Keep in mind, my husband was still operating in his hidden sin at the time but when the pastor told this story, I didn’t understand his point of telling such a story. Well I do know because it was God’s way of was ministering to my husband during that time so healing would come to my daughter and the family. The story he told was this…Two parents of a 3 year old boy wanted to bring the boy to the Pastor for prayer and deliverance because they thought he had a demon. At first the Pastor thought the child most likely didn’t have a demon but rather that he just had behavioral issues. The pastor however did discover after meeting this boy that he indeed did have a demon as the boy’s countenance changed and his voice squealed into this deep sounding pig sound. The pastor immediately took charge of the situation and began ministering to the couple. He then expressed that some door of sin was open that needed to be closed because no child of a Christian couple should have a demon possessed child. The father of the child finally admitted that he was using pornography and immediately repented. The pastor then was able to deliver the boy from the demon.

    Through the Pastor’s story, the Lord was ministering to my husband to show him that IMMEDIATE REPENTANCE was needed to set his daughter free from a spirit of infirmity of epilepsy and/or bring healing to any physiological problem. Without REPENTANCE deliverance and healing is blocked. Unfortunately my husband at the time didn’t believe in those kinds of things and it wasn’t until years later when he repented which is the same time his daughter was set free from seizure activity. He definitely believes and understands the reality of such spiritual activity behind sexual sin.

    So it isn’t selfish to want someone to change their behavior when others are put at harm and have to suffer needless spiritual attacks. After my husband’s sin was exposed he wasn’t allowed in the household because he was bringing harm to his family not only through his sexual addiction but through pornography as well. So to tell a wife who is the victim in her husband’s porn addiction she is being selfish for standing up for her and her family’s well being is just wrong.

  5. Fran

    None of the links to Bloom in this article work. What is the full website address, please?

    • Kay Bruner

      You should be able to find them at bloomforwomen.com

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