3 minute read

Has your porn addiction made you absent?

Last Updated: July 29, 2021

Guest Author

Want to write for the Covenant Eyes blog? Share the story of your journey to freedom from pornography. Let us know how you overcame porn or how Covenant Eyes has made a difference in your life or the lives of those you love.

Louise worried her husband was way too busy and buried in work. She had more than noticed that he stayed in his home office most of the evening and late into the night, even after she went to bed. She felt there was almost a vacuum where her husband should have been. So she shared her feelings with Tom. He told her that he was working on an important project. For six months? Really?

Folks, if you have been where I have, down in the pit with pornography, or you know someone who was, then you have a pretty good idea of exactly what Tom was doing and looking at, and it had nothing to do with his job.

Pornography is an insidious snare–a snare that Tom fell into and couldn’t get out. Men, the pull of pornography is like a creeping plague–a powerful drug. Do it once, we think it’s okay. Do it twice, and we’re hooked. We are sucked in and trapped before we know what happened.

Pornography enslaves and then destroys! Christians, I cannot tell you how many men I have worked with who were in the same fix as Tom. And although he went to great lengths to conceal his misdeeds by keeping the door closed, constantly deleting history and cookies from his PC, quickly shrinking the image on his monitor at any inkling of someone approaching, she will find out. Be assured, she will.

If Tom was fortunate, he might not receive the same treatment that a popular television psychologist so often prescribes, that is, “Kick his butt to the curb.” Oh! So many divorces result from just this one obsession.

Ways Porn Can Damage Your Marriage

Please mentally weigh this–when we husbands are so “absent” while having sex with ourselves or the women in those images, our wives know that something is terribly wrong. They know! They just can’t identify the culprit.

Wives miss all the things that a loving husband can give, i.e., his attention, his affection, his honor, his affirmation, his loving touch, his listening ear, his romancing, his intimacy, his caring. When we are so preoccupied with ourselves, how could we possibly make her feel secure in our love? But in that scenario, we are so gripped by our love of porn and of self that we have nothing to give her.

I promise you that the plague of pornography can only lead to crushing ruin. I’ve already mentioned divorce. Many such addicts have lost their jobs, gone to prison, had to step down from the ministry, and more. How do I know? I have talked with these men and counseled them, one-on-one, during the past fourteen years–more than four thousand men, each with his own story of destruction through the cancer of pornography and its seeming irresistible attraction.

Related: The Effects of Porn on Wives and Marriages

How We Can Begin the Freedom Journey

Admittedly, we’re not going to get porn removed from the Internet or anywhere else, at least not by next Tuesday. The world does not have Christian values. And our church is not in charge of the media. But individually, we can confront this enemy. If we are even slightly tempted to go there, there is hope for each of us. Here is a way to start:

1. Cut off access to porn on your various electronic devices. That’s what Covenant Eyes Internet Accountability and Filtering is for, right? That would be a strong beginning. The Filter will help block access to pornography, and the Internet use reports can be sent to a trusted friend or mentor to help keep you on track on your journey toward freedom.

Related: How to Quit Porn–6 Essential Steps

2. Get help! Talk to your pastor or a Christian counselor. Search the Internet for ministries that help with sexual addiction. Yes, addiction. If you are looking at porn once a week or more, you are hooked. Please do not believe the lie, “I can stop anytime I want.” Get help!

There are lots of Tom’s out there, and Joe’s and Larry’s, who have their own stories and struggles with porn. It’s time to get going and do something about it!


Neill Morris is a Mentor with the online ministry, www.FreeInChrist.org. Along with a number of other Christian volunteers, he works with men who are addicted to pornography and other forms of sexual immorality. You can contact Neill at nmorris@freeinchrist.org

  • Comments on: Has your porn addiction made you absent?
    1. DT on

      Good article! I know for myself I was not able to be truly present in any relationship when I was acting out. There is someone in my family that I suspected had relapsed back into porn a while back because I could sense his lack of presence when interacting – and my intuition was later found to be true. I wish I could take to heart this kind of information in the past and how much destruction it would cause me and my family. Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way. Denial is a hard stage to get out of (maybe an article could be written on how to help someone get out of denial when stuck).

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Unfortunately I think the only way out of denial is pain… Pain is the thing that will finally motivate us to deal with reality.

    2. DT on

      I will also add in, that I wasn’t necessarily always looking at porn once a week or more. But I was still on the purge/ binge cycle, still caught in the grips of addiction and sin.

      Reply
      • nicholas dinardo on

        Hi Live in the rochester ny area i have curently been stuck scince the age of 5 with pornagraphy and isolation issues i have lost my job not because of porn that recently i ben soberity of 5 months do to the job loss and rejection i went back in the process i have lost sleep Feeling the lost of gods presence i also went into thr psyc ward for 10 days because of loss of sleep can u help stir me into the right direction im 43 now just need help or group or conseling

    3. Jane Garcia on

      Jane Garcia, my husband doesn’t like the god part of all this but he really needs help, is there anyway we could do this with out the religious being in it

      Reply
      • Kevin on

        I, and thousands of others, have benefited from a 12 Step recovery program. I go to Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA). There is also Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Each serve the same purpose, to provide a place of healing and restoration for those recovering from sexual addiction. These programs do not push religious beliefs on anyone. They are free. They work.

        However, I will say that I would not be sober today if it was not for the patience of my God.

      • Dave on

        Jane i’m a recovering addict to porn and pride. and i’m in recovery now and i have found that the only way to recover is to turn your life over to God and have him help. he has promised to help us carry our burdens. if he doesnt want God to be apart of this it will be hard .
        does he have a belief in a higher power? but doesnt call it God, then go to that higher power.

        we have so much to loose by not dealing with our addiction it is an every day struggle but we can do it we just have to know that we are loved and that if we make the dission to not look at it each morning then the choice is made for that dsy and as those days turn into months and years it begins to fade. we feel better about ourselves and our relationship with our higher power GOD.

        he wants to help us he is our Father in Heaven and just as our father and mother on earth want the best for us so does he.

        remember your love for him and your prayers in his behalf are so very important. i know as you both work on this God will bless you and will answer your prayers in his behalf some times the answers to prayers come in diffrent way so stay close to him and listen for answers you will be in my prqyers and i hop eand pray this helped

        im fighting a battle and may loose my wife over it and its my fault. im doing great now but it may be too late im so sorry i hurt her heart and its heard to repare it. noone wants to be hurt again so sometimes they felel its just easier to leave. i will pray for his heart and mind to be open to the disaster that may come to him and that he may turn away in time to know who really loves him His Father in Heaven and it sound like also a loving wife

        may you be blessed and i hope this helped

    4. John Smith on

      I went to confession because I had viewed porn. The priest told me to visit your website. The story I have read is really inspiring and holds a lot of truth. Pornography is all about lust, and destroys the image of the love between a man and a woman. I am glad I was told about covenanteyes.com

      Reply
    5. Lynn on

      Great article was right on point, the secrecy, staying in the office and on Facebook for hours, no communication, always my fault. Angry attitude except at church. I will not go to church with him because it feels like a lie. He will stare down a blonde at church and not flinch. I have gotten up at 3 in the morning and he will be on Facebook and I know the quick change page trick. I am truly sick of it and the stupid lies he makes up. I am a street smart person that worked with over 300 men, I know all the tricks! I am made to look like the bad person because I will not go to church with him after years of verbal abuse, 40 to be exact. I have felt low down for to long. By the way, I have been told by many men that I am very attractive. Porn doesn’t care about marital relationships, it destroys. I am a born again Christian and I believe there is no cure. Thank you and keep up the good work. EXPOSE

      Reply
      • Evelyn on

        Lynn, I found a truly freeing article about this on http://www.nogreaterjoy.org and I highly recommend it. Only one thing can cure any addiction; something has to be bigger than ourselves. In a world swimming in lies, deception and faithlessness, the Truth as only in the person, Jesus Christ, can heal/save…It took me 40 yrs to know this, even raised in a church. It is so easy that most will turn away from it to find something that “feels” more dramatic, but the answer will free you and your husband, if he chooses, forever. My husband and I have had a real struggle for about 20 yrs, and in the last 10, we have finally forgiven each other (don’t be fooled..you have your part too) and now we have a relationship that is amazing! :There is hope! (Overcoming rage, abuse, disloyalty, unkindness and fear!) The answer is in the book….Get yourself a KJV Bible and know the Truth.. Don’t take anyone’s word for it. Know HIM. God bless you on your journey…(BTW, all that anger has to go somewhere and it goes with you, until you lay it down…) Trust…

    6. Kelly on

      Covenant Eyes is working for me. I have realised that porn starts as simply entertainment, but surely it sways attention and energy from what is important. I can only associate it with so much destruction. Thank you for the help.

      Reply
    7. Joanne on

      Me too!!!! CE is the main thing helping me too. My problems are emotional???

      The 40 Day Challenge is excellent! And although it is aimed at men there is much in it to help women and even partners of addicts to understand the insidious nature of all this madness!

      I have the email version and it is wonderful. I would recommend the 40 Day Challenge to anybody that is facing this kind of trauma!

      Hope you are all doing well and my prayers go out to everybody suffering in these situations.

      Thank you so much CE for all that you do!!!!!

      Joanne

      Reply
    8. Mike Rice on

      Your Brain on Porn was what helped me “kick” the habit. But truly it wasn’t until I felt the pain I caused my wife that I made my decision to be porn free forever and a day. God is central in this as he knows and still forgave me and so has my wife. Having Covenant Eyes “keeping watch” helps keep me on my journey of truth.

      Reply
    9. G M on

      Free In Christ helps lead you to the only hope of freedom from the slavery of pornography – the LORD Jesus Christ, while Covenant Eyes helps apply the Biblical principles of accountability and radical amputation of sin (Eccl 4:9-12, Matt 5:27-30). Praise Christ for freedom from sin using such resources!

      Reply

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