3 minute read

How Porn Is Keeping Men from Marriage (Part 2)

Last Updated: August 10, 2021

Michael Johnson

Michael Johnson (MJ) is co-founder and Dean of Dating at Future Marriage University, where he has a blast sharing practical, passionate Biblical truth about sex, dating, and relationships with college students, youth, and young adults. He also video blogs with his wife, Julie (and sometimes his kids). If you like his writing, you’ll love him live. That’s what his mom says, anyway.

This two-part series begins with this question: What if porn not only makes it more difficult to wait for sex, but also makes it more difficult to get married?

If you, or someone you know, want to be married, but are struggling with a porn habit, here are three more issues to consider.

Hidden Secrets Hinder Intimacy

In part one of this discussion, I asserted that the objectification inherent in pornography “can stunt our social skills, making us detached, uncomfortable, or ashamed around the opposite sex.”

But having made that suggestion, I must concede there are tons of guys with porn addictions who manage to get girlfriends. Millions of them are even married.

However, secrets are powerful things. Keeping a secret with someone can make you feel closer to them. In fact, some men manipulate this psychological reality to their benefit. They just make up secrets to share with someone with whom they want to create an attachment, and voilà! A deeper bond is created.

Here’s a secret though: secrets work in reverse too. If you’re hiding something from someone it will prevent your relationship from growing beyond the limits of your secret. And if it’s a secret sin, it’s far worse. In the darkness, our sin breeds shame that will isolate us from everyone we love.

So sometime between the first date and the marriage day you’ll need to share your struggle with your special someone. If she’s a strong woman of God and you’ve managed to grow a healthy relationship it may not be a deal-breaker, but it will certainly be an issue, especially if your porn habit is still in the present, or even the recent past.

Because the reality is…

Girls Dislike Competition

Some girls don’t mind sharing their man with other girls, but healthy women have this outlandish belief that they should be enough for their man; that their man should have eyes only for them.

Crazy, right?

Of course it’s not, because you’re the same way.

It doesn’t take a lot of imagination to think of how they’d feel about competing with the thousands of woman you enjoy through porn. Of course, we can so easily justify, “we’re not actually with these women, so it’s not really cheating.” But perhaps women see things the way Jesus does.

In Matthew 5:27-28, Jesus says,“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

I mentioned previously that millions of men are married today in spite of their porn habit. The sad corollary is that millions of men are divorced today because of their porn habit.

Could this thing that has destroyed so many marriages be the thing that’s keeping you from yours?

Where’s My Perfect Ten?

Finally, not only do women dislike competition, but that “competition” (all the porn) will cause you to seek a woman who does not exist. It most likely already has you looking for her, possibly without even realizing it.

To be clear, after enjoying the “attention” of hundreds of supermodels via porn, all of whom know just what you like, nothing but the best will do. And that “best” will necessitate a supermodel who can only be satisfied if she’s satisfying you, 24–7, 365 days a year and 366 days on leap years.

Come on now. Let’s be honest. In the back of your mind, don’t you hope the love (and sexual prowess) of this dream girl will take away your interest in porn? A dating relationship may have already alleviated your temptation, but don’t expect that to last; certainly not for the duration of a lifetime marriage.

Further, if it wasn’t bad enough that porn will inspire you to hold out for this unattainable ideal, at the same time it will cause you to overlook the qualities that you should be looking for in your future wife. Namely, things like values, commitment and character!

So porn will have you seeking out the hottest girls who will have you, but missing out on many ladies who would make a great marriage partner. You’ll be like a job hunter more interested in finding the firm with the coolest office building than a position that suits him and a team with whom he would work well. You’ll be wasting a lot of time and in the end be less likely to get what you were hoping for.

Can you see how, perhaps, this is already happening for you?

Where Do We Go From Here?

Having made that final point, I want to clarify the whole purpose of this little two-part series wasn’t to make unmarried males with a porn habit feel unworthy of marriage; or love, for that matter.

The issue here isn’t worth, but readiness.

Being made in the image of God makes us worthy of love, apart from our evil thoughts and behaviors, but just because you are worthy of love doesn’t mean you’re ready for a romantic relationship. So if any of this post has resonated with you, I urge you to get the help you need now, before you think about marriage; before you even think about dating!

A dating relationship is a huge undertaking. It can lead to marriage or heartbreak. Or it can lead to marriage and then to heartbreak. Trying to make a serious relationship work while chained to a porn habit is like trying to swim in the ocean while towing a suitcase of porn behind you.

So if you haven’t already, utilize the resources here at Covenant Eyes and do whatever it takes to root out this destructive habit that very well may be keeping you from a life-giving, life-long marriage!

I’m praying for your freedom! And, of course, feel free to share any other ways you see porn keeping men from marriage in the comment section below.

  • Comments on: How Porn Is Keeping Men from Marriage (Part 2)
    1. Mario on

      Without a doubt biblical truth! Your counsel is a much needed personally as well as the church to admit that this diabolical venom of Satan is alive and well. I pray that we as brothers in Christ Will take this serious and make a stand on Truth!! Is my prayer in Jesus Name. Thank you MJ you have given me fresh Hope and Faith in Christ! God bless you and keep me in prayer, Glory to God!!!!!

      Reply
      • MJ on

        Glad you were so encouraged, Mario! Thanks for encouraging me in return! Will pray for your VICTORY! Hope you’ll be encouraged by the lyrics from this song inspired by Zephaniah 3:17-20:

        Victorious! Victorious! Victorious! Victorious!

        The Lord, our God is in your midst; a victorious warrior!
        He will exalt over you with joy!
        He will quiet you with His love!
        He will rejoice over you with loud singing!

        Victorious! Victorious! Victorious! Victorious!

        The Lord our God will save the lame and gather the outcast!
        He will change their shame to praise.
        He will make you praised and renowned
        He will restore your fortunes before your eyes!

        God bless

    2. Abraham Abraham on

      Thank you for this precious truth. I really appreciate the convincing way you write. Let Holy Spirit help all men who read this post to trust in Jesus and work towards real change. And Yes, the real problem is objectificationand lust: what Jesus cautioned in Matthew 5:28, 2000 years ago. Thank you once again Mr. Johnson.

      Reply
      • MJ on

        Thank you for your kind words, Abraham x2. Praying for Christ’s joy to be in you that your own joy may be full (John 15:5-20)

      • Sweetz on

        MJ…this song means the world to me. I am an abandoned wife…but a Christian. I see and embrace the lyrics of this song for my husband. I will wait to see His Victory in my husband’s wandering soul.

    3. MJ on

      That’s awesome, Sweetz! I’ll pray these words for your husband too!

      Reply
      • Stevie on

        Sweetz- I am so sorry for your pain through this season of life. I will pray that whatever Gods will may be this trial will not be wasted. I will also pray that He gives you the strength to persevere through these very lonely times and keeps you in a constant reminder of His truth and His promise. You are not alone. God is always with us, as is our brethren. We don’t have to ever meet each other to love and support one another. You are cherished by many, because of Christ’s love. No matter the duration of this trial, you can hold to the truth of one day having no more sorrows.

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