4 minute read

Why Men Lack Courage to Quit Porn

Last Updated: November 12, 2015

Emma Joy

Emma Joy is a young adult who enjoys studying apologetic resources and learning about purity from a Biblical perspective. Her desire is that God would use her life and writings in a far reaching way to impact the lives of many. She writes about sexual sin and repentance (among other topics) on her personal blog.

Men and pornography“Our world desperately needs men. Real men. Manly men. Godly men. Holy men. Courageous men. Men who fear no one because they fear their God more. Our culture despises true, biblical manhood. What our young people today who grow up in American society will not learn on their own, from their friends, from Hollywood, or simply by observing the way of culture is how to be a real, godly, courageous, man of God.” – Geoffrey R. Kirkland

Because of the warped mentality that so many men are beginning to have about sex (being more ingrained with each new glance or excuse for improper behavior), it can be terribly trying for them to give up what they feel simultaneously liberates yet silently destroys them. You might feel that viewing porn makes you more of a man, proves your high sex drive, teaches you the skills for being with a real-life partner, or keeps you from acting out sexually through the use of prostitutes or attending strip clubs. But have you stopped to consider what might be fueling those beliefs, the sin behind the sin if you will?

Pornography’s twisted nature has the potential of breaching into many aspects of life and equally destroying you on a number of levels.

You might lack the courage to quit porn because:

  • You will have to uproot routines you have built and are familiar with, and rearrange how you spend your time in order to prioritize the hours in your day to invest in the relationships around you and the roles and responsibilities God has called you to (which could involve less “me” time). This will require sacrificing your ego on the altar of servanthood.
  • You’re afraid you will fail.
  • Pornography is a quick and easy way to numb any bad or uncomfortable feelings you have.
  • You hate confrontation and lack the know-how to go about fixing problems, so porn becomes a way to sweep issues under the rug and avoid dealing with them.
  • You don’t want to deal with the underlying causes, suppressed anger and fear, and the totality of other hurtful or gnawing feelings and experiences you’ve been trying so desperately to avoid.
  • It will mar your character as people realize you’ve been living a lie by the mirage of faithfulness and integrity you have tried to exude.
  • You’ll have to face the harm you’ve caused those around you and will be left with the choice each day to work on making things right or withdraw because of pride and blame-shifting.
  • You will have to re-learn what it means to pursue your spouse and reconstruct the ideas you’ve formed about women, sex, relationships, and pleasure.
  • You will need to work for restoration on problems in your marriage and intimacy with your wife (and this will take a lot of work).
  • It requires gaining self-control over unruly desires and channeling them into a healthy sex life solely with your spouse instead of the cheap thrill and easy fix of porn and masturbation.
  • You lack the respect, attention, and admiration of others and (distortedly) see pornography as a way to fulfill the need.
  • You fear the opinions of others and are lacking motivation to diligently pursue healing and change.
  • You realize that quitting porn requires the help of others, thereby admitting your addiction and possibly losing the reputation you have sought hard to keep up.
  • Your history with porn being exposed may result in the loss of others trusting you (among many other consequences) and you’ll no longer have the ability to escape the harsh reality of pain from your choices by turning to pornography.
  • Talking about this problem openly can change people’s opinion about you and turn your world upside down.
  • You fear losing the ability to make a difference in your children’s lives because they will question if you can be trusted and view past advice you’ve given as a sham.
  • It could lead to divorce. Life as you know it will change dramatically in terms of possible loss.
  • The benefits of dealing with your sin will require a total change and more effort than you might be willing to give.
  • You have grown accustomed to having your sexual needs met without any risk of rejection, any need for communication, any work on your part, and being transparent about your desires, goals, and longings was obsolete in the world of fantasy.
  • Everyday life and relationships with real people entails openness, communication, trust, support and even disagreements, misunderstandings, and differences in opinion (the very opposite of porn’s world of fantasy) and healthy living demands you make the most of your circumstances and the situations you find yourself in which takes time and the results are not immediate.
  • Similar to the self-injurer who seeks to cope with raw emotions through cutting in order to obtain an instant escape, you must come to terms with the reality that being aroused or facing the complexities of life can no longer be numbed through the use of pornography.
  • You’ll need to find healthy alternatives of coping instead of the quick yet destructive path of instant gratification.
  • You will need to begin living out your Biblical roles as a husband, father, spiritual leader and provider (and this seems too daunting a task).
  • You will have to start many aspects of your life over from scratch as you’ve grown distant from your roles and responsibilities the more your addiction continued.
  • Seeking biblical counsel and reading books about sexual purity and repentance will require time and a lot of soul searching to discover reasons your issues with porn began and why they continued.
  • You will need to pursue genuine accountability and be very strict about who you spend time with, how you spend money, the route you drive to work, the opportunity you have to work overtime, and what you watch on TV or listen to on the radio.

If you have found yourself in any of the above bullet points and feel it is too daunting a task to change, please be encouraged. The fact that you are willing to seek help shows that God is already at work in your heart. Don’t stop, keep seeking, take this situation one day and hour at a time. Many people have walked the paths you are just now treading and have come out victorious.

Since transformation requires a total commitment to yield proper results, it would be helpful to incorporate the following as part of your routine:

  • Read resources by Covenant Eyes.
  • Attend classes and support groups regarding addiction and purity.
  • Speak to your pastor regularly about your progress.
  • Seek help through individual and marriage counseling.
  • Strive for total honesty and transparency with accountability partners.
  • Avoid all known triggers and put up safeguards against sin

Remember, God is in the business of renewing our hearts and minds. Cling to Him, His word, and His people. God’s love is greater than any sin you could ever commit.

“No one is in such bad shape that God cannot radically change them.” – Anonymous

  • Comments on: Why Men Lack Courage to Quit Porn
    1. Steve on

      Thank you for the comments on “Courage to quit..” porn. I know you mean well. I wonder how your own experiences, if any, have shaped some of your thoughts. You try to tell us men what Biblical manhood and purity are. I would never try to tell a woman what Biblical womanhood is. I don’t think the problem is “courage” at all. Most of the men I talked to who wanted to quit did not have the right connection for them. What I mean is many try but feel they just can’t quit. All of those things you talk about as reasons for a lack of courage are talked about in 12 step recovery, whether Christian or secular. I appreciate that many guest writers to Covenant Eyes have ideas but they always seem to sound that if you just incorporated THIS idea or solution it will be THE way to victory. I have found that their are many different ways to purity–the Bible, prayer, accountability, 12 step groups both Christian and secular and the buddy system and many other. I never felt like I enhanced my manhood by trying to quit. Twelve step secular worked for me and working the 12 steps not just attending meetings. All of the 12 steps actually have a Biblical connection. Breaking the cycle of masturbation was key for me and it was the center or our 12 step program. “No sex with self or others outside of marriage.” Thanks for your ideas. Steve

      Reply
      • JeremiahP on

        Steve, step #4 involves an inventory of our past, and is supposed to be an ongoing process. I’ve found that many men who continue to perform an inventory and continue to dig find deeper character issues than just the “I don’t know how to quit” that you refer to. I’ve found that many men have not “grown up” – they are stuck in a loop of immature patterns, and can’t grow spiritually because of a number of things that have eroded their psyche, and porn is just another item on the pile of issues to which they have submitted their flesh. Sin begets sin, and the improper view of ourselves and God is often going to get in the way of full recovery, if we don’t dig deeper and understand who we are and who we were meant to be, in full context of who God is. Think of the man that won’t invest his one talent because he thinks that God is a horrible task master. It is every man’s job to keep digging, keep maturing, keep becoming more Christ-like. If we’re stuck in a rut, then I would say that something akin to fear is keeping us from getting out of that ditch.

    2. Roger on

      That was a good read thank you. I watched porn for 20 years, and never saw the damage in it. I didn’t care what my wife thought about porn, I didn’t get it. Like you said through the grace of God I quit almost 2 years ago. Thanks again!

      Reply
    3. Mighty on

      thank you, reading your books help me to recover from my porn addict,after I watched porn I feel guilty and disapointment. I told myself i want to quiet and i needed help and your website help me. my brother also struggle with porn addiction.I will introduce covenant eyes.com to him and your ebook for help.thank you

      Reply
    4. Address This on

      I went out to a porn site. I counted the picture galleries. There were over 7,000,000 of them on ONE site. In each gallery, there were an average of 50 pictures. In those galleries, there were on average 10 different unique women. When you start looking at the real evidence right before your eyes, you realize there are hundreds of millions of women doing porn. They are pushing sex. Then you consider the fact there are strip joints, escorts, massage parlors, models, web cam girls, and women doing homemade porn — you see women for what they are —- the PUSH sex just like any drug pusher pushes crack. Women manipulate via sex and ALL women do it. Even the women you date that make you wait for sex are using manipulation. It is what women do. All of them. Even covenant eyes manipulates —- look at all your images. The cute wholesome girl who is flawless and supposedly kind. That is not reality at all. Go down to your local walmart. See reality. It certainly isnt what is depicted on Coventry eyes.

      So please spare me the constant attacks on men. You are dealing only with one side of the equation and as you can see, the situation does nothing but get worse. Then, there is the other question you are not asking — maybe the puritanical view of sex by fundamentalist Christians is the warped mentality because it is clear that society is violently rejecting it. Whatever you suppress comes out with a vengeance and you are seeing the evidence for this everywhere.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        I’ve replied to similar comments from you here and here but with no reply from you. I understand your frustration, but if you aren’t willing to continue the discussions you start, I don’t have a lot of incentive to type thorough replies.

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