Rebuild Your Marriage grumpy man on phone on couch
Rebuild Your Marriage 5 minute read

How to Love Your Spouse When They Don’t Love You Back

Last Updated: July 7, 2020

A marriage strategy made popular by The Five Love Languages book and others like it is that if you love your spouse, they will love you back.

Many a client has walked into a marriage counselor’s office and asked what they can do to get their spouse to show them love. They’ve tried and tried to be a good husband or wife, but the reciprocation just isn’t there. The heartache and pain of this sort of rejection leaves a person raw, desperate, and unable to take much more. If only a marriage counselor could solve this riddle for them.

After seeing enough clients like this walk into their office, patterns begin to emerge: patterns in the way people are wired to give and receive love. Many times the unloving spouse isn’t actually unloving, their efforts to give love back just aren’t seen and/or the efforts to show them love never found their mark. After seeing these sorts of patterns hundreds of times, the experienced marriage counselor can diagnose that these two spouses just aren’t speaking one another’s love languages.

Through some assessments of what makes that person feel good, a love language is discovered and now the husband or wife has the magic key to unlock their mate’s heart. As long as they show love in that language (in the way the other person wants), their spouse will receive it and will show them love in return. Marriage crisis solved.

This type of strategy has helped many couples and it has sold lots of books, but there are foundational flaws to it that have set spouses back much further than when they began.

Flaw #1: Love Is Not Self-Seeking

What happens when the underlying premise of a marriage counseling strategy is to get your spouse to do for you what you want? What happens is we undermine the very definition of what love is, which is a catastrophic problem.

Trying to get my spouse to do what I want might seem innocent, but we’d agree it is the very definition of “self-seeking.”

The problem here is that 1 Corinthians 13:5 clearly tells us, love is not self-seeking.

Jesus then models sacrificial (the opposite of self-seeking) love for us and tells us to do likewise:

Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! (Romans 5:9-10)

But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? (Matthew 5:44, 46)

I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. (John 15:11-13)

The irony of modern marriage is we include these sorts of things in our marriage vows, that I will “love, honor and cherish you…for better or worse…’til death do us part,” yet the rubber hits the road what we really mean is, “I will only love you if you love me back.”

This is called kickback love, which according to the Bible, isn’t love at all.

Instead of diving deep into the gospel to allow our hearts to be transformed to love sacrificially, we run to a marriage counseling strategy that is meant to transform our spouse.

This is backwards.

Flaw #2: Connected to the Wrong Power Source

Is it easy to love someone who doesn’t love you back? Not at all. Especially when this person made a vow to you that they would indeed love you back.

This hits pretty close to home for God. On his wedding day with His people, they proclaim to him:

Then he took the Book of the Covenant and read it to the people. They responded, “We will do everything the LORD has said; we will obey.” (Exodus 24:7)

Centuries later, God even reminisces about this day:

This is what the LORD says: “‘I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me. (Jeremiah 2:1)

This reminiscing only prefaced the pain God felt toward his unfaithful and unloving bride:

Long ago you broke off your yoke and tore off your bonds; you said, ‘I will not serve you!’ Indeed, on every high hill and under every spreading tree you lay down as a prostitute. You are a swift she-camel running here and there, a wild donkey accustomed to the desert, sniffing the wind in her craving—in her heat who can restrain her? Any males that pursue her need not tire themselves; at mating time they will find her. (Jeremiah 2:20, 23-24)

God knows what it feels like to be unloved by a spouse. He knows your pain and he longs to hold you and comfort you. But more than just comfort you, God also modeled to us a path of freedom through the pain.

We are, after all, God’s spouse. The same rebellious and unfaithful spouse written about in Jeremiah is the one Jesus came and died for in Romans 5:9-10. The path of freedom to love an unloving spouse is the same one God himself traveled.

This path begins with taking our eyes off our spouse and on to Jesus as the power source for our love. The reason a “love language” strategy won’t sustain a marriage for the long haul is because it requires that we look to another human being as our motivator and source for love.

This is like plugging one end of an extension cord into its other end. What happens?

Nothing happens. You just have a dead wire.

For an extension cord to work and to be full of life, it must be plugged into a power outlet. This power outlet in your marriage is God’s unconditional love for you. It is knowing you are God’s child (Romans 8:14), an heir to his kingdom (Romans 8:17), beautifully and wonderfully made by him (Psalm 139:1-18), and that He is sovereign and knows what He’s doing (Romans 8:28, 31).

I’m not saying you shouldn’t go to marriage counseling or read marriage books, but you need to understand that they aren’t a silver bullet and the ultimate solution will not be found in these things. These often bring short-term solutions and sometimes will give you long lasting tools that can help your marriage, and sometimes they don’t help at all because your spouse simply isn’t going to change right now.

The key to finding the path of freedom in your marriage isn’t that God will change your spouse, it’s that God will change you. Not necessary to change you into a “better spouse” but to change your heart and perspective to find your sustenance in God’s love for you, not in your spouse’s love.

It’s removing marriage and your spouse as idols in your life and putting the person of God and the sufficiency of his love front and center as your life-source.

It’s removing the scoreboard that love languages create (“I’m doing my part, why isn’t my spouse doing theirs?”) and soaking in the grace and mercy of God; focusing on what he’s given us that we don’t deserve rather than feeling entitled to and idolizing the marital carrot on a stick that is always just out of reach.

It’s going to the Father, the way Jesus did (Matthew 3:17; Luke 23:46), to know He accepts us and approves of us (Colossians 1:22; Romans 8:4), when no one else in our lives is giving us that message.

Two beauties come from this divine power connection. One is that your spouse will be shown the supernatural love of Jesus in spite of how they are treating you. Even more profound than this though is that you, the extension cord, will be full of vibrant life at all times, regardless of how your spouse is treating you. How else could Jesus tell you that your joy will be complete when you lay down your life in love for another in John 15:11-13? These two things don’t seem to go together.

Laying down one’s life can only equate to complete joy when a power source is involved who transcends both the one giving and the one receiving.

No wonder so many of us are starved for a love that satisfies. We are looking for it everywhere except from the Source itself.

  1. Joe

    First time writer…
    I’m in love with my wife. I love her more than ever.
    A year ago she told me she loves me like a brother.
    Health issues on my part, chronic rare health problems took it toll on her.
    She was amazing for many months. The illness and recovery has lasted 5 years.
    More than a year in the hospital and 2 1/2 to 3 years in bed at the house. During this time she said she grew disconnected from me. She has almost stopped any kind of physical touch. We did have sex once in the past year. I prefer making love but she was like ok lets do it, hurry up. Even though we have a sexless marriage I still love her and I’m here for her. Yes I’d love to be making love to here multiple times each week like it used to be.
    As we went through it all I’ve grown to appreciate and love her more than ever. We are both Christians. I’ve grown much stronger in my faith. I might add several times the doctors had my wife call family in because they saw no way that I’d make it through the night. A little of her died each time she said.
    I’m constantly working around to house…dishes, tolits, and clothes whatever needs done, that my body allows me to do durying that week.
    She says thank you. She hasn’t verbally or any other way told me she loves me in more than a year. I find her very beautiful, sexy, funny and she is s smart. She is totally tired with no energy for anything after she gets home from work.
    She goes out of her way so she has very little or no time for me.
    Prayers continually that God will help me be the man He wants me to be. Prayer that I’d be the husband He wants me to be. I have ask for God to change me in any way He needs to. I’ve asked that He gives her the desire to be the wife that He wants her to be. That His will be done in our lives. I pray that through Jesus Christ we will be the example our childern and grandchildren need to see.
    God is perfect, His plans are perfect and His timing is perfect.
    Please keep us in your prayers.
    We’ve been married for more than a decade.
    Very blessed couple even though things hurt every moment of every day.
    Please Lord help me be the servent you want me to be.
    At times I’ve asked God to fill my heart with His love, mercy and forgiveness.

  2. AW

    My husband fell out of love for me and became abusive. I have not figured out the reason but have a very hard time accepting it after 18 years of marriage. I still love and care for him and he’s the closest family member I have.
    I grew up in a family where my parents always argued and wanted to get a divorce. So I tried every way to make my marriage work sometimes I feel I had to compromise who I am. I admit that a lot of times I look for the source of love in my husband when I really should have looked for God’s love. Now I feel so alone, broken and lost.
    In the past two years or so, my husband stopped talking about God and Jesus. I was concerned but never prayed hard enough for his faith. I regret that. Now everything seems to be too late and irrevocable.

    • Keith Rose

      Hello,

      I’m grieved to hear about your difficult situation. If you are in an abusive relationship, PLEASE seek help and find safety IMMEDIATELY! Seek godly counsel and wisdom from people who care about your safety. If you are in physical danger, you need a safe space to go before addressing the marital issues further. You can call Focus on the Family for a free consultation: https://www.focusonthefamily.com/get-help/counseling-services-and-referrals/

      Blessings,

      Keith

  3. monica

    thank God for showing mercy through prophet munak who help me restored peace back once again in my home with his powerful love spell that removed the evil lady on way to be with what God has join together. today I enjoyed love of my husband I must appreciate prophet munak for all he has done to restore peace.

  4. Sean

    Moriah,

    Thank you so very much!

    I am very involved in church and there is a great men’s fellowship that I am actively involved in.

    God bless you!

    I’m never giving up

    Keep on climbing for God’s best!!!

  5. Sean

    Me and wife dated for a year and a half. We had both used and I have had an addiction that resurfaced in the process. We got married, I got worse and she left 2 months into the marriage. I am thankful that she left as it broke me and now I live for the Lord. I have made up my mind to be sober the rest of my life and my life has greatly improved. I have rededicated my life to Jesus, have a new career and I have absolutely no desire to use anymore. Me and wife had started working things out and then she just checks out, quits communicating with me. Everything has been positive and good with us ever since the separation. I know that she is wounded and needs time. However, its been 8 months and she has went dark again and filed for divorce. She tells me that she loves me and forgives me, but can’t forget. I realize that my behavior was unacceptable. However, there was no infidelity, no physical abuse no fighting etc. We have always got along great. I am very involved in a new church, I am serving and really doing great. I really do love my wife, but realize that only God could reunite us. We pray for each other daily and still love each other. My wife lives with another girl and I really believe that she is not supportive and has been a wedge in me and wife’s attempt at reconciliation. Could anyone give me your honest opinion of what to do? I don’t want to be selflish, but I love my wife and she still loves me. I know that nothing is impossible with God. I am thankful for all the wonderful changes in my life and I’m very sorry that my wife had to leave to break me in such that was desperately needed. We don’t have to live our lives addicted. Its a choice, and that is a choice to live for God. Prayers for all that are hurting and missing the one that they love and desperately wanting to share life with. Don’t give up. Work on you and Trust God.

    • Moriah Bowman

      Hi Sean,

      Although each person who reads your comment may have a different piece of wisdom on “what to do,” I still want to share my advice with you.

      I am encouraged to hear that you are doing everything that you can to heal your marriage. Everyone heals at a different pace, and your wife may need extra time. Keep loving her, showing her that she can trust you, and praying for her. You are SO right when you say that only God can reunite you both.

      Have you attended counseling? If not, I highly encourage you to do so. It can be a great way to get to the heart of the issue and to promote healing in your own individual life. Also, if you aren’t already, plug into a church and immerse yourself in fellowship with other believers. Your wife may not be ready to reunite, but you should still cling to Christ and pursue a life of glorifying Him!

      Blessings,
      Moriah

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Related in Rebuild Your Marriage

Editor's Picks

A woman praying with her Bible.

Rebuild Your Marriage

How To (Biblically) Lament Your Husband’s Pornography Use

After I found out that my husband had been viewing pornography, I…

3 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

Happy couple at the beach.

Rebuild Your Marriage

Rebuilding Trust in Marriage Through Boundaries

In situations where a marriage has been affected by pornography use, it’s…

5 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

Happy family of six.

Rebuild Your Marriage

From Secret Addiction to Full Transparency

After being married for eight years, I came home unexpectedly one afternoon…

4 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

Phil Robertson discussing The Blind with Covenant Eyes.

Rebuild Your Marriage

4 Reasons You Should Watch “The Blind”

The Covenant Eyes Podcast team recently made the trip DEEP into the…

4 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

A mother with her teenage daughters.

Rebuild Your Marriage

How Porn Shattered My Life: A Betrayed Partner’s Perspective

I was 36, married for 15 years, serving in our Church, attending…

5 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

A picture of Dave and Ashley Willis.

Rebuild Your Marriage

Porn Counterfeits Naked Marriage: With Dave and Ashley Willis

What is “naked marriage” all about? We sat down with popular podcasters…

3 minute read

Read Post

Related in Rebuild Your Marriage

A woman praying with her Bible.

Rebuild Your Marriage

How To (Biblically) Lament Your Husband’s Pornography Use

After I found out that my husband had been viewing pornography, I…

After I found out that my husband had been viewing pornography, I was devastated. As I processed my grief, one of my dearest friends posed this question to me: “What did you lose when your…

3 minute read

0 comments

Happy couple at the beach.

Rebuild Your Marriage

Rebuilding Trust in Marriage Through Boundaries

In situations where a marriage has been affected by pornography use, it’s…

In situations where a marriage has been affected by pornography use, it’s common for one person to feel responsible for the healing process, while the other doesn’t take enough responsibility. This dynamic can lead to…

5 minute read

0 comments

Happy family of six.

Rebuild Your Marriage

From Secret Addiction to Full Transparency

After being married for eight years, I came home unexpectedly one afternoon…

After being married for eight years, I came home unexpectedly one afternoon to find out that my husband had a pornography addiction. I was defeated, brokenhearted, and overwhelmed. I was a young, stay-at-home mom with…

4 minute read

0 comments

Phil Robertson discussing The Blind with Covenant Eyes.

Rebuild Your Marriage

4 Reasons You Should Watch “The Blind”

The Covenant Eyes Podcast team recently made the trip DEEP into the…

The Covenant Eyes Podcast team recently made the trip DEEP into the heart of Louisiana to meet with Phil and Kay Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame, and to talk about their new movie, The Blind.…

4 minute read

0 comments

A mother with her teenage daughters.

Rebuild Your Marriage

How Porn Shattered My Life: A Betrayed Partner’s Perspective

I was 36, married for 15 years, serving in our Church, attending…

I was 36, married for 15 years, serving in our Church, attending life group and sending our girls to a Christian school to help raise them in the ways of the Lord. I thought pornography…

5 minute read

4 comments

A picture of Dave and Ashley Willis.

Rebuild Your Marriage

Porn Counterfeits Naked Marriage: With Dave and Ashley Willis

What is “naked marriage” all about? We sat down with popular podcasters…

What is “naked marriage” all about? We sat down with popular podcasters Dave and Ashley Willis to find out, and we learned an important message about God’s design for sex and how porn counterfeits it.…

3 minute read

0 comments