My story begins with the innocence of youth—on a hot summer day, three boys out riding bikes in the forest behind the barber shop owned by the dad of two of those boys. We were about 12 years old and were more at home exploring on our bikes than doing anything else. While riding on a trail we had not yet explored, we came upon a stack of magazines in the middle of the forest—not just any magazines though; these were magazines with naked girls in them.
We were awestruck. We had never seen anything like what was in those magazines; the perversion, the beauty, the allure. We must of sat and looked at those magazines for hours, but we had to go, so my friends gathered up a few and took them with us. Little did I know, but that was the beginning of a long struggle with pornography for me. The devil had planted his seed.
Rewiring My Sex Drive
The weeks went by and we looked at those magazines often and even went back to the ones we left on the trail to get more variety because looking the same old girls got boring and we wanted more. What we didn’t have a clue that our brains were being rewired to think that this is what women do with men and that this is what men do to women. Our first lessons in sex were from magazines that had more to do with degrading the institute of marriage created by God than it did with the actual sex act.
As the years went on, I found myself sexually inept. Through high school, I had girlfriends, but did not know how to act towards them. They wanted sex, and I didn’t perform. I didn’t want to. Most guys’ hormones are raging at this point in life, but mine were subdued and my drive was non-existent. I was not actively using pornography at that time. Was it because of those times in my younger years that I felt the way I did towards sex? Am I weird or is there something wrong with me?
I really didn’t get back into pornography until my 20s. I slowly started accumulating magazines, and just like when we found those magazines out in the woods, my need for more diversity grew. I had stacks of magazine, then the magazines got old so I started buying videos and accumulated stacks of those. I literally had a box three-foot cubed filled to the brim with porn. It was at that point that my sexual relationships with women took another turn.
Porn-Induced ED
When I was with a woman I found that my sex drive was there, but my physical drive was not. I could only hold an erection for very short periods of time. I found myself having to concentrate extremely hard on the act itself and even that didn’t work most of the time. I was at a loss of what my issue could have been. Why could I not perform? What I didn’t understand is that not only was pornography rewiring my brain so that I was unable to have intimacy with a woman, but it was also making me dysfunctional physically. Also, I found that because I couldn’t perform physically with a woman, it was much easier to go back to the porn to satisfy my sexual desires.
Enter the Internet
Some years later, I got married and was still experiencing the same problems. I got rid of the three-foot cubed box thinking that marriage would change my habit, but by this time the Internet was the new and upcoming thing, and Satan didn’t waste any time using that media for his evil purposes. Now, all the porn anyone could possibly want was a click away (though dial up was annoyingly slow). My intimacy with my wife was non-existent and I found myself sneaking off in the middle of the night to get my fix and fulfill my manly desires.
The Internet changed porn forever and made sure I’d never get bored with an endless supply of ever-changing pictures. More than this, it was allowing me to cheat on my wife and pushed me to the point of dreaming about actually cheating on my wife. I reached a new level of deception caused by my porn use—the deception that I’m not being satisfied by my partner, so I need to go somewhere else to get that.
My wife and I’s relationship was rocky, even aside from the porn, and in the end we both cheated on each other. She left me for her now husband—and she said that our lack of intimacy was one factor in her decision to leave me.
The Battle as a Christian
It was during this despair that the Lord called me to come back to the flock. He has been working on me ever since; however, pornography was and is still an enigma in my life. After the divorce, I was alone and depressed so turning to the one thing that made me happy and feel good was inevitable. Sometimes I prayed for release from porn’s grasp, and other times I let my desires go and went back to an old friend, porn.
My body and mind are a battle ground; the forces of good and evil are at war within me. This battle has left me bruised and wounded; Satan is putting up a huge fight, while God has His victories, Satan wins most of the time. I struggle still to this day and the war wages on.
New Marriage, Same War
Now, I have a new wife and I have fessed up to my addiction, but not before I had already visually cheated on her by looking at porn and lied to her about it. By the grace of God, she has told me that she will support me in this effort and will help me fight for my body and mind. I may look again; I may lie about it again because this is the depth of the dark places that Satan takes us when we enter his realm, but to have someone stand by your side and set aside their initial reaction of hurt and disgust and allow themselves to be a friend that will stand by your side speaks volumes, not only to the character of this person, but also that this will be defeated.
There are millions of people (and not just men either) who are struggling with porn or don’t know that their minds and bodies have been hijacked by Satan with the use of pornography. Some don’t think it’s a problem at all and for others it’s destroying their lives. Pornography can lead to unspeakable crimes and the victims of these crimes will be in an emotional hell that they will have to live with the rest of their lives. More subtly though, it destroys families; it penetrates the mind of the user and rewires it to no longer desire the real; you only desire something that you will never get enough of. It will make you cheat and lie to your spouse and as long as it stays in the dark places it will only grow into an uncontrollable monster.
I have made the decision to bring this out of the dark places and expose it to the light. I will undoubtedly be scorned and look upon as the scourge of the earth. My friends and my church family may disapprove of my actions and may turn their heads when I walk by, but I pray that they will all see that I’m exposing myself to expose Satan to the light; to rid his evil in the people’s lives that he has stolen.
The dark places of this world—whether it’s drinking or gambling, spousal abuse or child abuse, drug addictions or porn addictions—we need to get our loved ones out of those dark places and into the light to start the healing process. I pray for the millions of others that need the courage to take the first step and admit that they live in these dark places. I pray for the spouses of these victims of Satan that they will put aside their hurt and anger and support their spouses to guide them back to the light and heal their families. I also pray for the millions of women, young girls, and men that participate in the porn industry, because they are being damaged emotionally and physically by the mental deception and abuse and the drugs that are ramped in the industry. I pray for all those who are willing to take a stand against this and willing to go into the dark places and pull the ones they love out of those dark places away from Satan’s grip. Christ wants us to stand together as a family; the family of God, so I ask you to let your light shine, to stand with me and stand with your family members in Christ to expose Satan to the light, to expose all the dark places with that light and start the healing process of your family.
Jerry lives in Virginia. He is married to a wonderful wife and has two kids that they love and adore. Jerry loves the support he gets from his wife, from Covenant Eyes software, and from the free education Covenant Eyes provides.
I appreciate Jerry’s testimony of growth and deliverance. If his relationship with God is open and growing, I trust that he will realize that he is living in adultery if his first wife is alive. God bless your ministry.
I never married or had a child or a career of fornication. Had only a few girlfriends in my 60 years. I am aging and feel alone and would seek marriage someday, to have some company as I age and not grow old alone.
I was exposed to the porn that my grandfather left around the house. You did not mention these things to my grandmother, my grandparents raised me, and she never understood what porn was until the day her husband had her buy him a copy of Penthouse.
You cannot tell anyone and school doesn’t teach sex ed, at least until sophomore year of high school. Meanwhile, the porn goes from newspapers and books to magazines and finally, hardcore porn courtesy of my uncle. I could not stop. The best I managed on my own was a 48 delay before the inevitable. I was pretty much alone all through school, I wasn’t athletic and I was bullied a lot in school. I was brainy though and books were my world. Read stuff kids normally don’t read in the sixties like nuclear war, biological war, Von Brauns book about how to go to Mars, space, science fiction and yes, The Hobbit/The Lord of the Rings my sole venture into fantasy.
I dreaded the end of the 48 hour cycle. I had begun with porn newspapers and books and mild magazine porn of Playboy from my grandfather and ogled women’s magazines. My uncle sent us a couple of hardcore books and everything went downhill from there.
I became a Christian but at the time and throughout my life, I suffered from severe mental illness. That was something the church, like sex, never talked about and ministers were generally ignorant of both subjects and had no training in counseling. They knew that if it felt good, it must be sin.
Circa 1970 sex ed was conservative and did not promote immorarlity but answered some important questions
Porn made me feel very low and further reduced my already low opinion of myself.
To make a long story short, my mental illness went into overdrive and wrecked what there was of my life and, while porn went away for awhile it came back and after high school I started buying my own. It was never enough and so I sought out harder and harder forms of porn from books and magazines at the book store.
There is no more book store and so my exposure is just to the Internet.
I had hard core exposure.
After 1982, a major flareup of mental illness put an end to porn for a time but it came back.
I would resist one time and fall another time and with hardcore porn, you always look for something worse to keep the needed arousal and have a strong orgasm.
I lost my virginity at age 40 or so. I lived in a dreamworld that was better than the real one as I had done in school. There has been only a couple sexual encounters since then and a handful of girlfriends.
I discovered hard core on the Internet some years ago and that displaced magazines and books which were inaccessible as I spent many years in assisted living courtesy of many panic attacks.
I now live on my own for the first time in my life and have been holding my own.
I have a female friend but she has made it loud and clear that she is not my girlfriend and that I was never even in the running.
I serve on the local citizens advisory board for mental health and mental retardation program administered by the County.
That and involvement with the local drop in center and a number of very nice non Christians who put the Body of Christ to shame in their willingness to deal with and treat mental illness.
Why was there no Christians in this field?
The world helps me but until recently I had only found one minister who was willing to deal with mental illness.
My church envirament could be summed up with the command, don’t do anything that feels good because it must be a sin.
went from there and found that God could give me the strength to resist porn and I don’t save Internet porn and through the grace of God, it has been several weeks of no Internet porn. Most of the time on the Internet, I never even think of porn.
I still live a very isolated life with few friends, though those friends are my best friends. Disabled since 1975, I live on SSI check of $755 a month. I have my TV, my books, my daydreams, my friends and am repairing my relationship with God that was broken for so long with pastoral counseling from two pastors willing to deal with and learn about mental illness and that is a great blessing.
Sorry about being wordy but there are people out there who never have and maybe never will marry and just plain awful lonely although God helps with that too.
Hey Thomas. Thanks for writing in. Wow, there’s so much here, and I read this and feel so sad over all the struggles you’ve had through the years. I’m glad that you’re feeling more in control of the porn problem now, and happy that you’ve been able to find some support, and that you’re even extending support to others who live with mental illness. I’m so glad to hear that you’ve found some pastors who have been willing to learn about mental illness so they can serve you. I agree with you that the church in general has not done well at all in its dealings with mental illness. There is still way too much stigma and blame around mental illness in churches today, and very little is done in practical terms for those who live with debilitating mental illness day in and day out.
Maybe you’ve come across Clubhouse International in your years of experience? The drop-in center you mentioned sounds like a similar model, perhaps. I learned about Clubhouse International while doing part of my counseling internship at The Well Community in Dallas, which is a faith-based center for folks with chronic mental illness. I volunteered there for about 18 months, and have the utmost respect for the program there, and especially for the community members I met who keep getting up every day, even though mental illness tries to drag them down.
Blessings to you today, Thomas. Thanks for getting up today and thanks for being a blessing.
” I may look again; I may lie about it again because this is the depth of the dark places that Satan takes us when we enter his realm, but to have someone stand by your side and set aside their initial reaction of hurt and disgust and allow themselves to be a friend that will stand by your side speaks volumes, not only to the character of this person, but also that this will be defeated.”
Jerry thank you for sharing your sad history, you are right about bringing our sin into the light is the only way to kill it. But please please please get more serious.
Its not enough to confess the evil and spread your shame on your wife so she can share it. Stating right up front that you will likely go back again and again is a cowards way out.
A lifestyle of relapse will kill everything good and true and beautiful about your wife…bit by bit.
Being married to a relapsing porn addict cause the same emotional and spiritual trauma as being held captive in a prison camp. The soul begins to await the next trauma.
You are by no means alone in this war, but it’s true that very few are really fighting.
Only 3-5 % of porn addicts in recovery will stay the course and not relapse. You CAN be in that small percentage, please don’t give up before yo even start.
timing is prophetically confirming… thank You Lord, and thank you covenant eyes for being sensitive to the Spirit’s leading in exposing this epidemic…
Thank you for your courage, Jerry. I pray you will be healed and continue to reach out to others who live in the ‘dark places.’
I can definitely identify with your story. I stumbled onto porn at 8 years old. I never knew it was a problem until now. So eventually I confessed my addiction to my church members and they have been supportive. But it seems as though my urges have increased. It’s a process but I declare victory