2 minute read

XES: Why Church Girls Tend to Get It Backwards

Last Updated: April 15, 2015

Luke Gilkerson
Luke Gilkerson

Luke Gilkerson has a BA in Philosophy and Religious Studies and an MA in Religion. He is the author of Your Brain on Porn and The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality. Luke and his wife Trisha blog at IntoxicatedOnLife.com

Episode 141


Interview with Joy - author of XES

In some church circles, sex is a dirty word filled with notions of forbiddenness and shame.

Joy McMillan wants to help change that. Her new book, XES: Why church girls tend to get it backwards…and how to get it right, is helping thousands of women see sex differently.

Show Notes:

1:39 – Joy talks about why she wrote this book. For her, sex was such a sore point in her life and massive source of shame. She found it difficult in the church to talk openly about it.

3:11 – Joy talks about where the inspiration for the title came from.

4:03 – Joy comments about how tempted she has been over the years to get sucked into erotica. She comments on the Fifty Shades phenomenon.

5:43 – Joy talks about her own sexual baggage, the temptations she encountered over the years, her date rape when she was a teenager, and her years of promiscuity.

10:18 – Joy talks about the moment when she started to really taste freedom from her sexual baggage, speaking openly with her fiancé about her past. Now she talks about how to make the church a place where it is normal and safe to talk about your sexual past.

13:48 – How does the church get it backwards?

16:03 – Joy talks about why she specifically targeted women with her book.

17:12 – Joy talks about the mission of her book in resetting the conversation in the church about sex: exposing the lies women believe about sex, men, and God, enlightening women about the good gift of sex, and encouraging women to not settle for less and not to carry their sexual baggage all by themselves.

20:06 – Joy talks about her fear in publishing the book and the excitement of seeing it lives changed through it.

22:22 – Joy talks about the importance of accountability and transparency in female community: wisely choosing your friends who have common goals, and giving permission to speak into each other’s lives.

26:09 – Joy talks about what it means to work through the consequences of her sexual baggage.

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  • Comments on: XES: Why Church Girls Tend to Get It Backwards
    1. Sheri

      I love her comment that God has designed every human relationship, including our marriage, to leave us wanting … because *He* is the One who gives us our value and *He* is the One who meets that deepest need.

      • Yes. She has some insightful nuggets of wisdom all throughout this podcast.

      • @Sheri

        Tell that to the people who just want love in their lives or the starving or the homeless or the incarcerated living in cages due to our lack of mercy or those suffering from illness or those that have never married or those that see the massive amount of corruption in America ….. if God designed all that, then he is unbelievably cruel. The bottom line with God is he better start showing up or no one is going to believe in him in the future. Church attendance is decreasing dramatically in this world. Flat out — people are suffering and are losing all sense of hope. As one post I recently read on CNN said, “…… Christians support dogma more than people, and doctrine more than love. Jesus would have nothing to do with the fundamental Church as it exists today.”

        Christianity became a religion that pointed fingers and made everyone feel guilty and hopeless. Now people are simply leaving. Funny thing is that Christ said love your neighbor as yourself, but many Christians never really listened to that They condemned and judged. What you reap you will sow. Christianity sowed hypocrisy and it is now reaping everyone leaving.

        Go to a courtroom. Our entire system of law is based on the bible and supposed “morality”. Yet, we have no mercy and no compassion. We incarcerate millions. The most in the world. We arrest the most in the world. Destroy people’s entire lives after they are released from prison because we never forgive. It never ceases to amaze me of the hypocrisy in this nation. We say our punishments fit the the crimes, but so few people even know what the punishment entails.

        I know my comment has nothing to do with this woman and her podcast, but please spare me this nonsense that God gives people their deepest need. So many basic needs are simply not being met. At the end of the day, I am not blaming God really. He gave us free will and his son told us what to do, but really we do not do it at all. Forgive, love your neighbor and give mercy? Please. We do none of that. Just go to a courtroom and see for yourself.

      • Kay Bruner

        Hey Sheri, I agree with you that the world is a mess. And often what is called “Christianity” is far from Love. I agree with you that people exercise their free will to the detriment of themselves and, sadly, others. The only thing I know to do about this is to be responsible for myself: do justice, love mercy, walk humbly just as much as I can every day. I don’t know if it makes a difference to the world as a whole but I think it makes a difference to the people around me. And ultimately, I don’t know if I’m responsible for the whole world, mostly just myself, being as loving as I know how to be, to the person who’s right in front of me. I hear your pain, though! The world is a broken and frustrating place, for sure. Blessings Kay

      • Crystal Hundley

        And what if you fall into a lustless situation…. in a happy home full of love with a happy life and lacking sexual desire without any medical explanation….. lacking any wanting…..although I feel content with my desire for God I lack desire within my relationship…

    2. Crystal Hundley

      “@Sheri” (comment without a name) your conflict is internal and although it seems to me that it is so simple to solve itnis very difficult for most people I have run into with this very same conflict. You are confusing the free will of man with the power of God…. when you are fighting God by blaming and hating him for all the corruption ongoing in this world you are avoiding the actual roots and causes of these major civil conflicts. Focus on the roots of starvation of rape of abuse of hatred of all that is evil in this world… look into the cause and effect and scientific aspect of how evil has bread into this world and realize ….. if everyone were living how God wants us to live, all of that evil would cease to exist….

    3. Crystal Hundley

      God wants you to be angry right now but God wants us all to be angry … God wants us to do better.

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