by Anonymous
With freedom comes some realizations about past lustful habits. It’s like walking through a really thick fog, and when you break out into the clear, looking down and noticing that you had been trudging through mud. I am seeing for the first time the mud splattered all over my life. The Holy Spirit is opening my eyes to the truth about my heart.
For instance, I had always struggled with roaming eyes. The kind of eyes that look a woman up and down. The kind of eyes that turn the head for a longer look. The kind of eyes that hope for an opportunity to see more. Of course, I was always discreet. I would have been ashamed to get caught. The funny thing was though I was ashamed even if I didn’t get caught. I still knew it was wrong.
“Just Looking”
The world in which we live may say there is nothing wrong with ‘just looking.’ Some crazy—though well-educated—people even think it is healthy. Roaming eyes though are fueled by lust, that diseased condition of the heart that desires the illicit. Jesus said that a man looking at a woman with “lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).
If I might be so bold as to paraphrase the Lord, a guy who uses his eyes for sexual kicks has an unfaithful heart. Jesus’ standard is a pure heart and pure looking.
Porn-Worthy Women
My looking was anything but pure. I had been looking at women and dividing them into two categories: head-turning and not. The reality of those categories is really much harsher. There are (here is the realization) women who were fit to star in the fantasy porno in my mind and all the rest. I was doing casting calls. Sure, the fantasies may not have gone that far and been fully developed, but I was filling the roles nonetheless. I was nothing but a sleazy director getting ready to announce, “Lights, camera, ACTION!”
It is the harshness of the realty that struck me. I wasn’t just labeling women as pretty or not. My heart was intent on something much more sinister. I both welcome the Holy Spirit’s work and cringe from it. It is beautiful when he reveals how ugly my sin is because it is the path to freedom.
Somebody’s Daughter
Through grace, the power of Jesus’ resurrection, and the indwelling Holy Spirit I am putting to death that old lustful habit of roaming eyes and building new habits. I am consciously reminding myself that each woman was created in the image of God and is a potential daughter of the King of kings. Who would be so audacious as to ogle one of that King’s daughters, and right under his nose?
No Princess of the King belongs in that casting call.
I think you’ve nailed it. I’ll never forget how shocked I was to realize I was a sex addict although I rarely acted out. It was a condition of my vagabonding heart. But when he showed me my self, I thought I had just stood up in a cesspool with filth dripping from my body. God used the book “Taking Every Thought Captive” to cause me to really see Joe. It was an awful experience, but the results have been wonderful and releasing. I am making progress. This has been the best year of my life. But I know the battle’s not over, because I’m still breathing!
Please pray for my marriage that it will be saved. We are so close to a separation which we both are trying so hard not to happen. But because of lust, porn and living a double life for 20 years on my husbands part and now bitterness, resentment and maybe unforgiveness on my part- we are really really struggling. We both don’t want to break up the family (4 beautiful, lovely natured and respectful) children who don’t deserve the crisis their parents are putting them through. But we are both at an impasse. What could we do to save our marriage? Please help.
Who have you both spoken with regarding your marriage? A counselor? Pastor? Even a good friend?
If you are both willing to work on your marriage, and you both are wiling to pay the price of time and energy, then you could experience wonderful rewards in the years to come. Recovery from this is more than possible.
The fact that you are willing to acknowledge your own bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness is a huge step. Many wives in your position are so wrapped up in the pain they are unable to see past it.
What has he done to change his behavior? Twenty years of looking at porn behind your back is no small habit to break, and I firmly believe he will not do it on his own. He will need help to break free, the same way any addict would.
Here are some of my recommendations:
1. Both of you should read some educational materials and share what you are learning. There are some great free e-books on our website you can download. For you, I recommend you read Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives and Hope After Porn. For him, I recommend he read Your Brain on Porn (with a strong Christian perspective) and The Porn Circuit.
2. Both of you can watch these videos by counselor Brad Hambrick. If you aren’t in counseling yet, I recommend each of you meet separately with a good friend (he with a good guy friend, you with a good girl friend) and you watch these videos with them. Use these friends as sounding boards and people who are willing to help you process this information. The videos are called False Intimacy (for him) and True Betrayal (for you).
Very good article and very well written- and it makes me think about God and many big questions we all ask. I was raised in church and Im pretty familiar with sexual addiction. I am currently taking college courses in religion and philosophy and I’ve noticed many people simply deny the supernatural and miracles. As seen in this video, the worldview of a person will influence their views on many other issues. It is because of this it is often hard to believe some of the things here. I suppose there Is a relationship between people denying creation and having views on sexuality that depart from the bible. Any thoughts?
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-7jNABT_Oo4
Hi Seeker,
I have many thoughts. I think you would really, really enjoy this sermon by Tim Keller called “Sexuality and Christian Hope.” It really helps to set Christian sexual ethics in the context of a secular world.
I myself have been single and struggling for a few years with sexual addiction as a Christian, and I’d say the hardest part for me is dealing with criticism from others who have different views on sexuality and often have a hostile attitude toward the biblical worldview. Its hard to deal with getting made fun of for my beliefs about Jesus, the Bible, and the spirituality and metaphysics I believe are involved in marriage and sexual relationships. Many people do not understand, and even some professing christians say pornography and related behaviors are just guys being guys. All I can say is when I trusted Christ and began following him I was changed and I’ve found the deepest healing truth in who Jesus is in my life- that I feel is the greatest evidence I have for the truth of the Gospel. Great Job, keep up the good work!
Hi Anonymous,
It is discouraging when you live in a world of practical atheism and rampant idolatry of sex. That is the world in which we live.
Four thousands of years men and women have been transformed by the Gospel. This is because we worship a living Savior. Jesus is not rotting in a grave somewhere. He was seen by hundreds after His resurrection. Only the anti-supernatural presuppositions can look at the experiences of hundreds of disciples and discount that Jesus has risen. He is alive and able to save anyone who comes to him.
My pastor said that you will either control your lusts or they will control you. In order to control your lust, you must be committed and disciplined. You must look away when you see provocative magazines in a store or a scantily clad woman on TV. It’s difficult but rewarding.