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Quit Porn Addiction: 3 Reasons Why Godly Sex is Better than Immorality

Last Updated: May 17, 2021

Brian Gardner

Brian Gardner leads the Sexual Integrity ministry at Xenos Christian Fellowship. By day, he works as a software developer; the rest of the time he leads a college home group, teaches classes on pornography addiction for men, does pastoral counseling, and tries to find time once in a while to play some golf. Brian has been married for almost 35 years and is the proud father of two grown kids (and grandfather to one grandson). He blogs at “Bought With a Price."

Sometimes we spend so much time emphasizing the evils of sexual immorality that we forget to build a positive vision for sex, one that is so satisfying that it makes other alternatives seem less desirable.

In his essay The Expulsive Power of a New Affection, 19th-century Scottish preacher Thomas Chalmers said, “It is seldom that any of our tastes are made to disappear by a mere process of natural extinction. But what cannot be thus destroyed may be dispossessed—and one taste may be made to give way to another, and to lose its power entirely as the reigning affection of the mind.”

So how do we start thinking about sex in a way that builds desire for God’s gift, in a way that displaces the desire for immoral sex? The goal of getting away from things like pornography is not to stop something, but so that we can learn to enjoy sex the way that God designed it.

So let’s answer the question: why is godly sex better?

1. Godly sex is more pleasurable.

In the modern Western view, sex is about physical pleasure. It’s about stimulating our nerve endings to create pleasure in the brain. This is part of why pornography is so widespread: as long as sex is only about the physical, the way you go about getting it doesn’t really matter, only seeking the greatest amount of pleasure.

“…they shall become one flesh…”

According to God (Genesis 2:22–25), sex is primarily a spiritual-relational union of two people, enhanced by physical pleasure. The greatest pleasure comes from the combination of connecting their spirits, minds, hearts and bodies. God defines sex as the two becoming one, so this connection happens on all these levels.

 2. Godly sex is more satisfying.

In our culture, what makes sex good is that we are promised it satisfies a craving, whether a physical craving or a craving for connection or identity. This approach to sex offers an immediate feeling of satisfaction but it can’t last; it quickly dissipates, leaving greater craving.

A repeated phrase in The Song of Solomon is, “my lover is mine and I am his” (2:16, 6:3). The lovers’ commitment adds a strong sense of security to lovemaking. While they are eager to consummate their feelings for one another, it’s not the desperation of those who know that the enjoyment will be all too fleeting, or a hurried coupling before one of them moves on to the next partner. There is time enough for love, because there will be love for a lifetime. The security and permanence of their relationship becomes the basis for the enjoyment of one another. Physical pleasure cements this bond, but cannot create it.

3. Godly sex improves over time.

In our culture, we are taught that youth, physical beauty, and variety are what makes sex good. The idea of having sex with one person for the rest of your life seems boring to the 21st century. This is simply not true.

“Couples are looking for sex that satisfies more than just their temporary physiological urges. People are seeking a form of sex that touches the deep yearnings of the soul” – Tim Gardner (Sacred Sex)

I have a picture that I sometimes use in the slides for my talks. It’s an older couple, who are at least in their 70s. They are on a beach walking hand-in-hand toward the surf, and they’re totally naked. Neither is the modern ideal of beauty: he’s skinny and wrinkly, and she’s round and saggy. They are naked and unashamed of their love for each other. This is what we really want, love for a lifetime. I like to imagine that he is saying, “You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride” (Song 4:9), and that she thinks to herself, “Like the finest apple tree in the orchard is my lover among other men. I sit in his delightful shade and taste his delicious fruit” (Song 2:3-4).

  • Comments on: Quit Porn Addiction: 3 Reasons Why Godly Sex is Better than Immorality
    1. John on

      “Godly sex improves over time” is really hard to believe. I am in my early twenties and I don’t think I have ever heard anyone say this. I can see that porn and our sexual culture has warped the way I think about things. It is very helpful to come here and read articles like this that remind me of the facts. This certainly helps when my mind is all confused. Thanks.

      Reply
      • Brian Gardner on

        John,

        I can see how you would think that the “quality” of the experience would decay over time. This is widely taught in our culture and through media. I liken it to playing an instrument. You don’t become a virtuoso by switching to a new instrument every month. If sex were only physical, and not spiritual and emotional, this might be the case, much like if the point of having a musical instrument was to show people how shiny it is.
        I hope you get the chance to spend the rest of your life growing in love with one women as you grow in Christ.

        Brian

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