Dear Diary: Safe sex nearly destroyed my marriage

I don’t remember when I first started looking at porn. I also don’t remember why. It was so long ago. I didn’t particularly enjoy it, meaning I could take it or leave it. My friends were surfing the net and they showed me things that I had never seen before. I think I was 11 at the time. Personally, I thought it was weird.

In time, I began to surf porn sites too. It was during this time that I was introduced to masturbation. That, too, was weird, but I felt like I was getting away with something. My relationship with my dad was lukewarm at best, so I was in search of something.

I just did not know what it was. Looking back on it, I didn’t even know I was in search of something, but now I see that I was.

Deep inside of me was what I now call a longing for belonging. This desire should have been met in my home, but my home life was mostly dysfunctional. I’m not saying we were at each other’s throats as a way of life. I’m saying everybody was doing their own thing and Dad really did not know how to show affection. He was kind of backward in those things. Therefore, we were left to find affection in our own ways.

Looking for love

My older brother was quite athletic and that gave my father a way of affirming him. I, on the other hand, was not like my brother at all. Where he was athletic, I was not. Where he was outgoing, I was shy. This made it hard for my dad to express love to me.

I think, looking back on it, this was a big piece of how I got hooked on porn. I had this craving for affection, approval, and affirmation and my dad was pretty much clueless about how to provide these things. I used to get mad with him, but as a father and husband now I see how hard it is to provide for a family as well as meeting their expectations. It is far easier to work 9 to 5 and then watch TV until bedtime. Marriage and family is far harder than I ever imagined. I understand why my dad was escaping from life.

Nevertheless, porn was a quick, easy, and safe outlet for me to be affirmed. It is what I call “safe sex.” No one needs to know. I will never be rejected by my “computer harem.” They love me, or that is what I pretend in my little fantasy world. It became like a drug. Whenever I was depressed or discouraged and needed a pick-me-up, I could flip on the computer and enter my “safe sex zone.” No harm, no foul…right?

Balancing marriage and porn

I was never taught why loving others more than myself was important. (Matthew 22:36-40) Though I worked a job, it was not so much about pleasing my employer or my wife as it was about pleasing myself. My entire world has been set-up to please me first. If my world was not meeting my expectations, I always had an out: I found relief and entertainment in my safe sex zone. It was perfect.

It cost nothing and no one had to know. I could work, provide for my family, and be a friend, but when things got tough, I could get my fix and then re-enter life again.

My wife, however, had higher expectations from me. Prior to marriage I basically used my friends. After I got married my wife was not as accommodating. It got even worse when we had kids. Being a responsible husband and dad, while loving and serving others only intensified my desire for my secret drug.

After all of these years my wife is worn down. Truth be told I’ve never really loved her. Though I don’t want a divorce, I can’t give up my addiction. I don’t know what to do. I’m a selfish pig and I know it. It would probably be more accurate to say I am an addicted, selfish pig.

I don’t want to give up my “precious” sin. I don’t want to lose my family. I have this driving, insatiable need to be affirmed. What do I do?

– Anonymous

If you are addicted to porn please listen to this sermon from The Village Church, preached 03.06.11 called Deeper Idols.

This article also appears on RickThomas.net: “Dear Diary: safe sex nearly destroyed my marriage“