When Lois found out about Clark’s porn problem she was devastated. From her perspective there was no hope that their marriage could ever be restored. There were some things she could overlook, but anything related to sexual infidelity was the ultimate slap in the face, the ultimate betrayal, and the marriage was irreparably ruined from her perspective.
The Dual Tension: A Sinning Victim
There are few counseling situations that are more challenging than this one. Lois is a sinner who was grievously sinned against. As a counselor you want to carefully understand, while empathetically listen to the anger, hurt, and fear that comes from a person like Lois. It is real. It is painful. It is dark. And you want to give her appropriate time and space to mourn through some of the worst news a man or woman could ever hear. But this is also where your tension will begin.
While you want her to cry and you want to cry with her, you also want to bring her heart back in-line with the Gospel. Paul told us:
If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? – Romans 8:31-32
She needs to know that the Father was not off in a corner somewhere, completely oblivious to what was going on in her marriage. She needs to know that God is for her and that he has something better planned for this marriage. She needs to know that there is no problem that God’s grace is rendered inadequate to repair.
Lois will have to simultaneously grieve, while taking her soul to task in order to realign herself to the Gospel. If she does not do this, her mind will go to places and stay in places that will be challenging for her to return from. This is why you want to give her time and space to grieve, but in order to keep her out of the black hole of grief and anguish, you will have to bring the Gospel to bear on her life and marriage as soon as you possibly can. There are no tried and true methods that will guide you through this process. It is a “Spirit thing.” You will have to listen and respond to the way God is guiding you, while trusting him through the process of restoring Lois’ heart to the Father and back to Clark.
Two people in need of the Gospel
Clark needs God’s forgiveness for what he did. He also needs his wife’s forgiveness. Clark also needs the power of the cross actively working in his life to keep him from falling back into his same old sin pattern. He also needs the cross to empower him to properly care for his wife and to become the man that God wants him to be. God was merciful to Clark to expose him for what he was doing. Only the Gospel (Christ) can forgive and sustain Clark through the difficulties that he has created in his marriage.
Lois, on the other hand, needs the Gospel as well, but in a different way than the way Clark does. There are three primary things she needs to know and apply to her life as it pertains to the Gospel:
- She needs to feel, experience, and rest in the cleansing and strengthening power that only the Gospel (Christ) can bring. She is hurt and she needs Jesus like never before.
- She needs to know that Clark’s problem is not a new problem, even though it is new to her. She needs to be thankful that God, working on her behalf, has brought this to the light.
- She also needs to know that she and Clark are in the same boat. Clark is NOT a worse sinner than she is. Clark and Lois are identical in the eyes of God. (Clark and Lois are believers, btw.)
God does not grade on a curve
God does not grade us on a curve, but he graded his Son on a cross. And the Father gave the Son’s work a perfect score. If Lois and Clark are “in Christ” then they are perfectly perfect in Christ. Neither their good works nor their bad works enhance or diminish their relationship with the Savior. Lois will need to know and apply this Gospel truth to her life. It will be hard for her.
While no one justifies or condones anyone’s sin, it is clearly unbiblical to hold a person’s sin against them. Clark has repented of his sin and he is trying to walk out his repentance before God and his wife. And he will not do this perfectly. Lois will have to forgive him, as God has forgiven her for her many sexual sins in the past, so the marriage can be restored. Additionally, she will need to forgive him in order for her to be right with God.
The way I try to think about these things is to remind myself that no person has ever sinned against me the way I have sinned against the Father. And if my sin against the Father is worse than any sin that has been committed against me and the Father has forgiven me, then most assuredly I can forgive anything that anyone does to me.
Lois will have to forgive him and they will have to begin the long process of restoring their marriage. The only way they will be able to successfully restore their marriage is to begin that process with the Gospel (Christ) clearly in view.
