Rebuild Your Marriage
Rebuild Your Marriage 8 minute read

My Drug & His Poison: Tiffany’s Story

Last Updated: June 17, 2021

“Do not bite at the bait of pleasure
till you know there is no hook beneath it.”
~ Thomas Jefferson

Do you remember the first time you realized that you loved your husband or boyfriend? Do you find yourself often visiting that special moment in your mind? Perhaps reminiscing about the better times. Sometimes those memories are the only things we have to remind us of how we knew them to be…before porn.

Because of their addiction, we want to hold on to those memories for dear life. Those memories of the good times, when you first met them, or when you knew you first loved them, you cherish…especially now. When you see a transformation in your husband or boyfriend, to the point that you don’t even recognize him anymore due to their addiction, there is such a sense of loss that sometimes can take years to overcome and truly grieve through.

How Porn Makes a Woman Feel

The thought of losing someone to a porn addiction is crippling and feels like the most severe emotional pain that could exist, especially if it results in the complete loss of the relationship. We know the detrimental effects of porn because of its chemical nature and effect on the brain and on one’s actions, demeanor, and behavior and because you’ve probably felt it in the way that your husband or boyfriend treats you even without knowing the scientific evidence of its impact.

You may have heard your husband or boyfriend say to you, “If you only did X, Y, or Z, then I wouldn’t use porn,” or “if you dressed up every once in awhile,” or they may shift blame and get upset at you for things you haven’t even done or get angry at you for no reason and proceed to push you away. Sound familiar?

Because of their personal guilt and shame they feel due to their addiction, you’ve probably experienced them attempting to shift any blame onto you, while getting frequently angry. Have you noticed that they withdraw from family activities or in spending time with you, or retreat from church, and social activities – things they once were involved in?

You and I, the wives and girlfriends, know without a doubt that it changes our loved ones as we experience the pain of porn firsthand. In fact, husbands report loving their wives less after long periods of looking at women depicted in porn. Wives and girlfriends develop deep, deep wounds and they begin to feel inadequate. They don’t just feel discomfort, but the distress level can be so high that it can lead to clinical treatment for trauma, eating disorders, and severe depression. It’s not just “temporarily feeling sad” about a husband/boyfriend’s addiction—it’s a blow to the core of who that woman is, that could lead to years of depression and much more.

Many women might even say that it’s worse than actual infidelity, because there isn’t one “real” person that they are having an affair with, it’s many intangible women and they don’t know what they are up against. Many times, porn addicts do not comprehend the downward spiral that they are causing their wives or girlfriends to enter into by their actions.

When It’s Not The Fairytale

I never thought I could love someone as much as I loved my boyfriend, who I met through a mutual friend. I fervently prayed for almost five years, every single day. I prayed that if it was God’s will, that a relationship would come into being. And after five years it happened. God answered that prayer. I thought: finally, this must be God’s plan coming together because it seemed so perfect.

My life already revolved around him. He was my everything. We talked about getting married. That relationship was what I looked forward to during much chaos and major decisions that were taking place at that time. He was my joy and being able to love him is what made each day for me.

My boyfriend became like my own personal drug and there wasn’t a day that went by in that relationship that I didn’t thank God that we were together and thank Him for answering prayer. When we make someone so important and critical to our lives, though, we raise them to the status of an idol, and God warns us of this.

When we replace what God should be in our lives—with a boyfriend, a husband, any male, we put all of our reliance on that person to make us happy. Humans will always let us down, but the one constant, and the one thing we must remember, is our Heavenly Father will always be there for us—He is that one constant.

He is the one who can get you through the tough times, when you feel like no one understands what you are going through as a spouse or girlfriend of an addict. He does. If your husband or boyfriend is not present, if he’s left because of his addiction, or lost his feelings for you because of a love of porn which steals intimacy, our Heavenly Father is there in the midst…and He sees your pain, ladies. He’s your Daddy, the one who knew you before you were born, and He will go through the pain with you, if you let Him, standing by your side, comforting you when your husband or boyfriend can’t or won’t.

There is a saying that goes, “Don’t ever love someone so much that it would destroy you if they left.” I didn’t realize the truth in that statement until it almost happened to me.

How Porn Killed Our Love

The really sad thing about porn is that it takes genuine love and it kills it. The addict doesn’t have to be in an intimate relationship, because they get “filled” by porn due to the dopamine highs they get from watching it. It removes any closeness and intimacy in a relationship, and replaces it with lust and distance, ultimately changing the addict due to the chemical nature.

I was so naïve. I had no idea the power that porn possessed, until finally, one day it killed my relationship forever. I had no idea I was up against the Devil’s chosen baby: pornography, and how serious it really was. My boyfriend distanced himself from the relationship, from me; instead of visiting, he preferred to stay at home and watch porn and would come up with excuses as to why. He blamed porn pop-ups on others who used the computer, and pushed me out of his life ultimately, until I finally heard the words, “I don’t love you anymore.”

It took me seven years to grieve over that relationship loss, and because of it I gained a lifelong cause. I knew I would fight this thing, this poison to relationships, as long as I possibly could, because I experienced the pain of it—that pain that continued to take every inkling of joy I tried to find even years after the breakup. Every day the reminder of what porn stole, and the future I had planned with him, haunted me. It would eat at any joy and feeling alive I would begin to muster. When I felt like I was finally climbing out of the grief hole, my thoughts would focus on what I lost again and I would crash back into the abyss. It was the second greatest loss in my life, that of a cherished relationship that I thought would be long term all due to porn and it crippled me for years because I let it cripple me for years. It took me several years to realize the importance of healing and getting help to be able to heal. We must never forget that loss, but we must also remember to use that loss to prevent others from experiencing that loss. That is the beauty of how our Father turns what the Devil intended for bad, into good.

Girls Against Porn

Even though I lost my relationship, God also turned it into good by leading me to develop a website that helps other women. There is a silver lining that always exists in your circumstance, ladies. This He promises us and so you must remember in your own situation: what the devil intends for bad, God will turn it into good. If I could send you one message through this post, it would be this previous sentence.

He gave me the vision of starting Girls Against Porn (GAP) to help other women who were going through the same thing I did. Girls Against Porn have joined initiatives with other partnering organizations and friends. Because of these initiatives, most of the airlines are filtering their Internet services, a porn club was halted from being developed on a college campus, we came close to preventing a former Playboy lawyer from receiving a DOJ appointment, and with over 11,000 e-mails and calls from the public, we’ve sent a strong message to Apple to restrict pornography-related apps. It has been a challenge, but such a rewarding one.

I think back and look at what God did through the devastating loss of my relationship and the seven years of grief, but even more, I remember Him picking me up off the floor, and bringing me through it. He used it to help others. Who knows how many children or families will be protected because of those initiatives? How could I ask for anything more? There wasn’t a happy ending in the way that I thought I would have, that I had hoped for, but it was a happy ending…

Women Making A Difference

The band Coldplay performs one of my favorite songs, “Fix You.” Chris Martin wrote it for his wife, Gweneth Paltrow, after her father passed away. He wanted to fix her, as her husband, and take the pain away that she felt over such a great loss.

You see, this is what God wants to do for us if we just let Him. If we just come to Him and ask Him to take the pain of porn away, ladies. Let Him take away the feeling of betrayal that you have, the low self-esteem that you feel because of your husband/boyfriend’s addiction that you don’t think you will ever get over, let Him be the lover of your soul, because He wants to be just that for you…and to fix you! He can and will, precious ladies. You are the daughters of the most High God, and He loves you so much that He sent His son to die for you! Always keep that in mind every day.

I want you to remember that you are important, the role you have in your family is irreplaceable. Charles Swindoll offered a perspective on the importance of your role and how cherished you are; he stated:

The Bible is full of great women. So is history. Along with the Joan of Arcs and the Florence Nightingales and the Madame Curies and the Mother Teresas we find countless other nameless others, sisters, and daughters. Abraham Lincoln said, “No man is poor who has had a godly mother.” He, like many great and accomplished people fiercely linked his success to his mother. Military heroes, political statesmen, ministers of the Gospel, athletes, media personalities, literary and musical geniuses alike have attributed the development and cultivation of their skills to their mothers and/or their wives. Down through the history of time marches an endless succession of courageous and visionary women, virtuous women, self-sacrificing women.

During this trial that you are going through, or have been going through with your husband/boyfriend, repeat to yourself daily what Dr. Laura Schlessinger states, “The people and circumstances around me do not make me what I am, they reveal who I am!” When you feel like you may never get out of that dark abyss that you have fallen into due to his addiction, repeat to yourself every day, “I’m going to make happiness a habit.” Don’t let his addiction pull you down with him. Choose to make happiness a habit as our Father begins to fix you and mend your soul. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.


This post is by Tiffany Leeper. Tiffany is the Founder of Girls Against Porn, an action coalition for women and those against pornography. GAP supporters assist with legislative issues and anti-porn initiatives that protect the family. Tiffany speaks on the effects of porn and counsels women who have a loved one with an addiction.  Tiffany graduated from Pepperdine University with a degree in International Business, and also speaks on corporate fraud as a former corporate fraud auditor at Fortune 500 companies. She was named one of the ‘Top 8 Speaker Outers Against Porn” by the porn industry’s news outlet. Tiffany Leeper and Brittany Glynn (PR Director for GAP) have been guests on radio news outlets speaking about the effects of porn.

  1. Dear Tiffany – Went to my computer tonight with a purpose – and maybe I have found it! I have been looking for some way to devote my life to preventing someone else from losing their loved one to this addiction. I lost my husband of 30 years to an almost lifelong pornography problem. I want to do something about this!! Please contact me if there are some ways that I can get involved. Thanks.

    • Tiffany

      Dear Sandra,

      I can’t tell you how sorry I am to hear about the loss of your marriage. This is the reality that so many women and spouses are facing today, and its just tragic. God always gives us a purpose through our loss though, so that others may be helped. We must continue to education, spread awareness, and be involved in efforts that fight this industry, so that others may not experience the same. Thank you for wanting to help. Please e-mail us at: girlsagainstporn (at) gmail.com, and we would love for you to be involved. Many Blessings to you, Tiffany

  2. MayaKadri

    I have, from previous experiences in my life, become a horrible wreck at trusting people. So years later, I decided to trust God, myself, and one very kind and gentle man – and start a relationship.

    Pornography addiction isn’t something he ever hid from me – we avoid the topic, moreso me than him. He’s honest about it, confesses when it comes up in conversation – but only to me.

    At first, I thought, he’ll stop. It’ll be fine. He can quit. But two years into a dating relationship, it’s becoming too much pressure on me.

    Because, in my mind, pornography is cheating. He’s getting sexual gratification from another woman.
    And pretending that this cheating isn’t happening is getting to wreck havoc on my fragile nerves. I can’t trust him not to be cheating on me – and trust was already a very delicate issue to begin with.

    I’ve tried many things, hoping that certain behaviors of mine could inspire him to quit, but it’s not worked.

    It’s been difficult to find resources for girls who are dating guys with a porn addiction. I’m glad to have found the article and that I’m not alone in this battle. Currently your website is absent but I hope that it will be there soon.

  3. julie

    thank you for writing this article. Im a young lady-only twenty- and my boyfriend who im so in love with- stopped watching porn a few months back because it made me so upset. But I can’t forget it and it leaks into so many other things- only because I bring them up. I feel constantly insecure. And I also always feel like a scolding mother. We discuss marriage but I really feel as though i cant with him,although he has stopped, I can’t really forget. Your article helped though because maybe I should try harder to forget but this was exactly the type of thing I never wanted and im so distrusting now. But your article made me remember God loves me. Thank you. (:

  4. Rebecca

    My husband, I am not sure who he really is. At home he is a loving man, hard worker, gook father. But with the guys at work it use to be dirty jokes, filthy emails sent to eachother, going out drinking and to stripclubs, eating at places like Hooters. It is like he was two different people. About five years ago I prayed ferevently to God to help me. Ane He did. My husband has stopped all that behavior. But the pain has never left me, I like you want to help other women not to have to feel such deep wounds. Thanks for all you do.

  5. marya

    I really thought I was going crazy for a while and maybe I did. I could not figure out what was wrong with him. For years he did not shower and did not talk about sex. We had been together for over 5 years, when I discovered the porn! He hid it so well. For years I talked to friends, family and professionals on what I could do for his depression. He was depressed because he didn’t have easy access to porn. My children were around frequently and I became ill and couldn’t work for a while. When we redid the house, we opened up the office space. It was not a good time for him. He went and downloaded the porn to his cell phone. I knew I could not stay with him. He would do anything to get to porn! I now live with my daughters and so much of the pressure is off. I knew I could not help him, even though I did offer. I have not heard of porn addiction, but now have read about it more and more. It is a very sad addiction. I can’t imagine never having a full relationship with another human being. The girls and I feel sorry for him, and hope he gets the help he needs. Thank you so much for your website.

  6. Tina

    THANK YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For Clarifying all of my disputes with my boyfriend on this issue….you have basically went over everything I’ve said pre-reading. He doesn’t seem to believe me. My significant others addiction to porn has literally got me to the point of me not wanting to be here, I gave birth to his son- my second son a month ago and the 2nd day i was in the hospital he goes home to watch porn!!!!!!!!!!! I have been devastated by his ongoing weekly visits to porn sites or downloads. I know by reading also I need to examine myself and my faults in which I don’t deny having, along with losing my connection with the almighty. thank you for all you’ve done so far and for what your efforts are continuing to do!

  7. Te’,

    Thank you so much for your kind words on the post. Thank you for taking the time to leave your comment also. Isn’t that the truth, women on all sides, are in cages – those involved in pornography (a majority having been sexually abused as girls), and the women whose spouses/boyfriends are porn addicts – they also are in cages-due to the pain/grief/loss which keeps them there often. It is tragic across the board, but thankfully there is hope. We would love to receive your art work-would you please contact us here (http://www.girlsagainstporn.com/contact.php), and we will get in touch with you? Thank you & God Bless Te’, Tiffany

  8. Tiffany,
    Thank you for your truthfulness in opening your heart on this crisis with “women in cages” as i refer to them in a haiku recently. I would like to share an art work with you from my next show in Albuquerque entitled, “SnapShots ABQ. – “Good Old Dr. Gomez” in which his high school daughter speaks about how “porn” has destroyed many marriages these days. Let me know how i can send this art work to you and G.A.P.

    God bless,
    Te’

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