3 minute read

Yes, She’s More Beautiful Than You

Last Updated: April 15, 2015

Ashley Weis

Ashley Weis is a wife and mother who has a pain-filled past that no longer haunts her. After discovering her husband’s pornography addiction she thought she’d never heal, much less have a “good” marriage again. God has shown her that without rain, beauty never grows. Now, with a beautiful marriage and a heart that knows the radiance of hope, Ashley reaches out to other women through books about recovering from pornography.

I nuzzled my face into his chest, peered up at him, and said, “I just want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to you.”

Silence.

Immediately, I replayed memories. Like the day I found explicit links on the computer. And the night he confessed to viewing pornography at work while I waited for him at home—pregnant.

“Silence doesn’t make me feel any better,” I said, hoping he’d say something to reassure me.

“I don’t want to say something that’s not true.”

“So, there are women you think are more beautiful than me?” He didn’t answer, but I pried.

“There have been. Yes.”

I gulped and restrained tears. “What about them?” He named qualities. Attributes I already knew he found attractive, but hearing the words ripped my heart into a thousand pieces.

When I begged for a deeper understanding, he asked, “Would it help if I gave you an actual person?” He gave me a celebrity’s name. I thanked God it wasn’t someone we knew.

Then I asked a question I shouldn’t have asked, “So, if you stood her next to me, you would think she was more beautiful?”

“Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.”

Tears rained for an hour. I thought I’d never heal after such devastation. Beauty was stolen from me. My essence was torn apart. I never imagined feeling beautiful again, not after my dearest companion whispered the heart-wrenching words, ‘Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.’

Agonizing thoughts popped up every time my husband and I made love. Whenever we were in public, I feared seeing a woman with the qualities he named. And I cried every time I saw my reflection in a mirror.

I had to do something, but what?

Divorce was out of the question. I didn’t want to break my wedding vows. I didn’t want to run from problems. But I didn’t know how to heal. Sometimes just looking at my husband brought tears. I missed the way our relationship sparkled in the beginning. I wanted us back. But every time I looked into his eyes I felt unwanted and ugly.

My husband began to change. He battled lust and asked God to purify his heart. Even so, whenever he told me I was beautiful, I cringed.

People often reminded me that beauty isn’t reflected in a woman’s appearance—it’s all about her heart. But every time I saw another woman I’d compare myself. And whenever my husband looked at me I’d wonder if I was beautiful enough.

Surely, beauty had something to do with appearance; otherwise God wouldn’t have created women to be beautiful and men wouldn’t be so visually stimulated by their wives. But how could I feel beautiful in my own skin after my husband ranked me below other women? He said he had changed, and his actions proved that his heart was being purified more every day, but I still positioned myself below those women and felt unattractive.

After many agonizing nights of locking my husband out of the house and handing over my wedding rings, I woke up, looked in the mirror, and asked God to help me view myself through His eyes—not my own or my husband’s.

For the first time I saw beauty. But it wasn’t a familiar beauty.

Stripped of make-up and hair products, I saw beauty in my reflection. I saw a woman crafted by God. And He doesn’t make mistakes. Every flaw somehow vanished when I realized that my imperfections were beautiful to Him.

The same God that orchestrates beautiful sunsets created me! Looking at myself and believing I needed make-up, hair straighteners, and tan skin to create beauty was pretty much telling God, “Sorry, but you didn’t cut it. I need to add some things, take away some things, and then I’ll be beautiful.”

It’s not easy to feel this way every minute of the day. Satan seeks to destroy me. He throws arrows at my deepest wounds and worst insecurities. He wants me to feel like I need to prove myself. Like I need something else in order to be good enough. Whether it’s my body or personality, he is always trying to make me think I’m lacking something. God wants me to rest in who I am. Satan doesn’t. It’s like a tug of war for my heart. God builds me up and Satan schemes to bring me down. I don’t want to let him.

Yes, I still wonder if I’m good enough for my husband. I still battle the wow-I-wonder-if-he-likes-that-woman thoughts. But I have learned to view my beauty through God’s eyes. And in turn, I’m not so dependent upon anyone’s opinion other than God Himself.

I hope I will continue to realize the “I’m not good enough” feeling is a lie. There is no perfect woman. God created me to be me. Confidence is a beautiful thing, and I want that! Not stylish clothes, but the godly confidence God created me to have. I desire a smile that beams when the world is crashing down.

I am learning to love myself, appreciate the gifts and positive qualities God gave me, and thank Him for them. I am still learning and struggling, but most of all, still fighting and loving.

Truly, I feel as though my beauty has been resurrected since I looked at myself through God’s eyes, and stopped trying to attain the sex appeal advertised on billboards or advertisements. Although it’s still difficult not to desire that kind of sexiness, God has shown me a different side of beauty. A beauty that He finds attractive, because He created it.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to rid myself of the words my husband said. They still tumble through my thoughts and spin my heart. But I have learned to stop believing them. I’ve learned that I do not need affirmation from the world in order to know I am beautiful. Now, when I brush make-up on my face, I know it’s not necessary; it’s only a fun accessory. Real beauty is created by God, not me.

I can shout with full confidence, “I am beautiful,” because the King of Kings fashioned me. And no one can take that beauty away from me.

  • Comments on: Yes, She’s More Beautiful Than You
    1. Dene Morgan on

      How true this is! I asked my husband the same question many times after I discovered his addiction. I got the same silence. I felt the same heart break. I still ask the same questions. He now tells me that in all truth, I AM the most beautiful women in his eyes. And even with that, I STILL feel doubt, and will NEVER forget the pain of knowing there were times he compared me and found me failing.

      Thank you for a motivational reminder of how true beauty is defined, and that God is the only one we need approval from.

      God bless you.

      Reply
      • Kathy on

        Wow Ashley! What a woman! The strength you show in this post is absolutely amazing! You are an amazing amazing woman! Isn’t it funny how beauty can shine through this post too? Its a lie that someone can be more beautiful than someone else :) It’s all a lie! You are a beautiful being and the fact that your husband can’t see THAT truth just goes to show you that he has some work with God to do yet. Addiction in any form is a way of numbing ourselves…. many men and women use fills to make themselves feel less vulnerable… so, it realy has nothing to do with you. My boyfriend tells me there is no comparison. Sure, there are women with bigger boobs, a smaller nose, bigger eyes… but I am connected to his soul and in that my beauty is SO much deeper. Your husband is stuck but it is incredibly strong that you have managed to see yourself as the perfect being you are! Very inspiring- thank you!

      • Cindy on

        What a beautifully written post, by a beautiful woman with a beautiful heart. I endured the same thing from my husband, and I still struggle with it as well. Reading your post brings tears to my eyes. Seeing myself through god’s eyes and having confidence in my own style/ beauty is something I discovered a long time ago, but seem to have lost perspective on after hearing the similar, but worse words from my husband. I still cringe inside when I see a woman that is more his “type” and for years avoided going out in public with him, to avoid the feelings of shame when we saw a beautiful woman. It’s funny, I’m blond and blue eyed, with big boobs and a small waist, and always got a lot of unwanted attention from men. My husband has lusted after petite, less curvy, dark haired women.

        I’m only mentioning this because it seems like our husbands tend to lust after polar opposites of ourselves and I want to let any woman who’s struggling with the same things as me, know that no matter what you look like, it wouldn’t have been enough to stop the cycle of porn and sex addiction. Blond, brown, light, dark, big, small, they want what they think they can’t have. There’s a cruel irony here. I’m sure plenty of women my that my husband lusted after, are dealing with feeling unattractive to their own husbands. While I cringe inside at seeing their beauty while with him, their husbands might have lusted after someone my type, while all either of us want is our own husband’s attention and appreciation.

        For men reading this:

        I’m well aware that I’m not the most beautiful woman in the world, every woman knows this. I don’t need to be the “most” beautiful woman to my man, but knowing that he appreciates me and my beauty, is what really matters. There are plenty of wealthy men in the world, I know my husband isn’t by far the richest (or even rich for that matter). But I “appreciate” that he choses to share his wealth with me and I want him to know it’s enough, more than enough, to keep me satisfied, happy and committed. I think that’s what woman are looking for. There is no “the most beautiful” woman, because tastes changes and looks change with age, but I want to know that what I’m offering to my husband is appreciated and enough to keep him happy and committed to me. If I spent my days googling and ogling every rich man I could think of, lusted after them, showed more appreciation for these “wealthy men” than the man who actually wants to be by my side… I’m sure that would make him feel unappreciated, like he wasn’t enough for not being at the top 1 percent. I’m sure he would feel sour about pouring what little wealth he does have into me, when by all appearances in that scenario- I would happily use it up and leave him if a richer man offered his goods to me. It’s a matter of appreciation and security, more than it is vanity. No woman wants to invest their youth and beauty into a “beauty digger” the same way no man wants to invest their money and time, into a “gold digger”. We all want to be appreciated for who we are, what we have to offer and know our investment into our life partners aren’t just a drop in a bucket with a hole in it. None of us “have it all”, but we all have something to offer. It’s no different than a woman draining a man’s bank account and leaving him for a richer man, that for a man to stay with a young pretty woman, then leave her for a younger prettier woman once she starts to age and can no longer attract the same amount of suitors. Only unlike men, once our value in society is gone (beauty and youth), it’s close to impossible to get it back. So think about that… It’s all about security and appreciation.

        Disclaimer: I’m well aware people hold much more value than simply looks and money, however those are the chief values society places on each gender. It’s superficial, but also relevant in finding a suitable partner, so there is a lot of pressure for men to earn money and for women to be beautiful from an early age.

      • Kay Bruner on

        Hey Cindy. I think you’re hitting on a really deep issue of personal value here that’s so important. Men and women, we all wonder at a deep level: “Am I good enough?” We all want to figure out how to be good enough, and culture has various answers for us. We know they’re not real, true answers about who we really are, but they’re so easy to fall for anyway! I think one of the gifts of growing older (I’m 48!) is that I can’t control my appearance as much–well, not without a lot of serious reconstructive surgery–and I’m having to learn to live with who I am, apart from how I look. It’s not especially fun to have bags under my eyes and cellulite in strange places, but I do love having at least some measure of peace about who I am. Part of really being who I am means separating myself from the judgment of others–even my husband if he’s all screwy in the head about appearance–and really sinking into what God says about me. That I’m precious and honored and valued. That He delights in me, even when skinny jeans are not the best option any more. I’m actually starting to look forward to the day when I have the courage to give up mascara altogether. :)

      • Cindy on

        You’re beautiful! Inside and out. I mean, your huge eyes, gorgeous smile and those cheeks! Perfection, seriously, it’s his lost. Some men are blind because of lust, sad.

      • Diane on

        I’m going through this now. My husband, from who I am now seperated, had affairs. He is an alcoholic and co addiction is women. He recently told me the reason he had affairs was because he didn’t want me real bad. The women he had affairs with were younger and more for than I am. I got the message. Now he says he wants just me because he realizes what he had. I don’t believe him and can’t get the words out of my head. I always felt that was true but hearing it still hurt. Mind you, I’m not ugly by any means, I’m just not 38 anymore. I feel so sad and ashamed. I can’t hardly look people in the eye. I need help.

      • Kay Bruner on

        Hi Diane.

        I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re feeling. I hope your husband is sincere–I do believe that people can change. I hope that’s happening for him.

        Even if he makes all the best choices from here on out, though, you’re so wise to recognize that YOU need help and healing. I would encourage you to find a counselor who is just for YOU, someone who can help you process your emotions and build healthy boundaries. You might also appreciate the website Bloom, where you can find private forums for women in recovery as well as classes for couples and other helpful recovery resources.

        Peace to you, Kay

      • Sherryusa2elsewhere on

        What about men who think someone is more beautiful than their wives and don’t watch porn???? What about men who think their wives are the most beautiful while married to them but not after divorce? Who’s satisfied with a man who thinks you are the most beautiful just because you’re his?

      • Chantell on

        I feel the same way. My husband was caught in sexual sin. Today he tells me im the most beautiful woman on earth-my body and face. All i need from him is honesty, why does he lie now to make me feel better.

      • valeria on

        You are beautiful! STOP that ! You are doing it to yourself! You have to accept that your husband no matter how nice or caring he may be ( i don’t know him), did something WRONG to you! He harmed you! He shouldn’t have said that ! I would have slaped him! You are probablyu WAY too beautiful for him and you can’t even see him. You are perfect in your OWN way! Do you know how perfect you are for some mean? Your husbund is not one of them because he is an unappreciative, imature stupid person. I am sorry, but it is true! Your story was so sad! It iis not your fault! It is your husband’s fault! He shouldn’t have said that to you, he does noyt appreciate you, you should have been the most beautiful woman in the world for him. And you would be for others for sure, I think that you should talk to your husband. It is nit your fault! You should feel PERFECT again! More perfect than ever before! APPRECIATE your beauty now! It is his fault!Take it out on him… he deserves it. Tell him hat he isa and WHO YOU ARE ( beauty wise) and that he is wrong. He should be with the woman that he finds attractive.

      • tamara on

        Thank you for this I just got hit hard by the same car. Yesterday my fience told me this and he asked well do you think I’m the most handsome man I said yes your mine all I see is you the best God made , so he says I can’t be fake , it’s not fake yeah there’s other beautiful woman but no one woman is more beautiful than the other so you must have some one in mind , we are all beautifully​ uniquely​ and wonderously made. But when you meat that one they are the best witch is why you love them they are all that and a bag of chips to you. Just because oh it would sound ok to say you don’t want to lie some people just want to say it because either he want to hurt me are want to be able to compliment woman body’s in front me , thing that kills me is that there are men that have said I was the most beautiful thing they ever seen now I don’t have to believe them the guy just said this to me could have said it to twelve other women before or after me, thing is someone else think so but not my own man, people asking for my autograph saying your the most beautiful thing , and my own man putting me down others people comments bout me I don’t care i want him to say it . But I look to God now He holds my beuty I don’t care what no one say anymore.

      • Nona aka. QweenAnoN 😊 on

        Ashley you are a beautiful and very attractive woman. Your smile is so radiant and pretty. IDC what any man or anybody thinks. I’m 34 n I hate that I’m getting older . but I love myself enough to know that looks aren’t everything .its just the devils society trying to trick us ..we are ALL beautiful women..I think we should not let some of these lustful men who look at all this bs make us feel different..I have learned to love myself when I couldn’t before ..it makes me soo mad that men get to choose and do wtf they want. As we get older and uglier tu them , while their old behinds get to try tu chase younger and prettier..LIES ..we woman have to encourage and stick by each other because its not fair we are made to think we have to be a certain way or look a certain way to feel pretty .I hate that and I hate what society is doing to us..On a positive note tho, we have to just be strong , love ourselves for who the creator made us to be , and share our wisdom with each other… I Love all of you , and regardless of anything or any words. YOU LADIES ARE ALL PRETTY AND BEAUTIFUL. Believe it.. B blessed ..~hugs~

      • Danielle on

        You are not alone in this .i asked my hubby the same question. But for me his thoughts were attraction to my next door neighbor..it hurt so bad as I would see her outside and compare myself to her .I’m still struggling with this everyday of every sec but I’m determined to not let this distro me

      • HH on

        Dealing with a similar situation minus the pornography. Mine involves a person I know. Single very good looking mother of my child’s friend…..my husband was texting her a lot and falling all over himself whenever she was around. He said it was only related to our child. And when I asked him about it his response was “I can’t help it if she is attractive”. On a 2nd occasion, when it was brought up, he couldn’t/wouldn’t tell me I am more beautiful than her. Maybe it isn’t true but, it would be nice if he felt that way because I am his wife. Should I appreciate the fact that he won’t lie to me? I can try. But the truth is, my self esteem did not need this and when I told him this needs fixed and that he can’t just ignore it I was told he can’t fix it when he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. She is prettier than me, by far. And if he were meeting both of us for the first time, no doubt he would choose her over me. I just want to be confident enough not to care if he says things like that Clearly I have issues but, can’t he understand how that hurt?

      • Kay Bruner on

        Our value as human beings IS NOT IN OUR APPEARANCE.

        Yes, we have to each own and work on that truth individually, and be responsible for living in the truth for ourselves: we are loved, we are safe, we are chosen, regardless of our physical appearance.

        The problem is that your husband seems to have bought into the lie that value lies in physical appearance, and it sounds to me like he’s fishing around for something he thinks is more attractive, in the hope that he will feel more valuable himself, once he is attached in some way to someone he believes to be more attractive.

        So yes, you need to work on your own self and learn to be thrilled with yourself just as you are (because that’s exactly how God feels about you!), but he needs to figure his junk out, too.

        He should understand how it hurts you when he’s texting another woman (good grief), and he should have the will and ability to give his attention to YOU as his spouse, no matter what anybody else happens to look like. If he can’t do that, it’s a problem.

        Peace to you,
        Kay

      • Anon Nymus on

        There’s a reason he married you and not the other women. If I was in an ordeal like that I’d say, “yes , there are women more beautiful, but I chose you.”

      • Laurie Hanks on

        I truly have tears streaming down my face reading this! My heart aches for you. I really do understand how you felt. Men at times, do not realize how hurtful their words can be. Hope all is all and God really does heal all wounds.😀

      • Miss Grulla on

        Such a great post! Thank you for shared it!. And I have to tell you that you are so beautiful! I wish I could look like you! ^^ … something similar happened to me. Well my future husband I’m not his love of his life. He used to be in love with other girl who is really beautiful and I never going to be that way. I know that in the beginning I was his second plate, he always says that I’m pretty but only that, he never says I’m beautiful, sadly enough he used to describe this girl as such a beautiful women.. you know no one can’t compite with model and actress they are the platonic love of all the men.. so don’t feel bad! The hard is when there is a real women you can’t compite with. So that’s was te reason I stop competing against sometime I couldn’t win. I decide only give him the best I can. And I guess he is happy with me. Maybe I give him the calm and happiness he needed in his life, even if he don’t find me beautiful he saw something in me good enough for propoused. So what I do is enjoy life as much as I can with what God gave. And besides the percepption of beauty can change. Maybe what you need to do is show you husband that you are more beautiful than he tought ;). But that depends in you!… don’t feel sad!. I wish I could look like you!.. but oh well the ugly girls need to be in this world too! ^^

      • Jazmine on

        so glad I stumbled upon this I have felt this way for months just cause you catch them staring at another woman or porn and it does begin to eat at you in ways they will never understand because to them its harmless cause they don’t have feelings and or from obviously another planet where your feelings toward feeling disrespected doesn’t matter to them cause they feel they have done nothing wrong but to be a woman that is like a slap in the face that you aren’t fulfilling all of your husbands needs and that is something I had to really come to terms with granted I learned the guy I’m with is just an evil saddist asshole but all in all I learned to cope with these feelings because I know I’m beautiful and loved in a more way behind how people see me and god has bigger plans for my life than my looks alone I found this article very relatable for that reason alone just learning how to love yourself and not worrying what anyone else thinks about me is what I have found to prioritize more.

      • Paula on

        My husband has just told me the same also told me the spark has gone out of our marriage I’m so heartbroken hopefully I can find the beauty within myself

      • Kay Bruner on

        Hey Paula,

        It’s a terrible thing that our culture has placed so much value on particular kinds of appearance, when physical attractiveness is a fleeting characteristic at best. Of course there is great and wonderful beauty within you! I hope you’ll find a counselor who can help you process through this pain, and discover the truth of who you really are. Find a group, maybe, to support you and help you work on healthy boundaries. And check out the online resources at Bloom for Women. Whatever your husband chooses to value, YOU can choose to value reality: the truth of who you are: precious, beloved, safe, whole.

        Peace to you,
        Kay

      • Rachel on

        What do you when your husband is more attractive than you? There are moments of love and attraction between us but there are times I hear the words: I’m only with you because of the kids.” Now what? I love him deeply and don’t want to walk away.

      • Kay Bruner on

        Wow, that sounds like verbal and emotional abuse to me. I think you would benefit from talking this through with a good, experienced therapist who can help you process what’s going on here and build healthy boundaries for yourself.

      • Joanna on

        Ashley your picture is stunning and your courage is beaming. Jesus loves you!

      • Laura on

        This brought tears to my eyes. I have been struggling with these same thoughts and hurts for the past few years. I have tried to push the lies away, but Everytime I see someone I think my husband would find attractive the comparison starts to occur. I get angry wondering why God would create some woman so beautiful and some woman so plain like me. I like to be attractive and to have my husband find me attractive. Why is this so hard to let go!?

      • Kay Bruner on

        Women are so highly objectified in our culture. Not just in “secular” culture, but in purity culture as well. Our relationships are reduced to our physical attractiveness, rather than being able to relate to one another as actual human beings. I think the more we are able to connect to ourselves, and practice radical self-acceptance, loving ourselves as Christ loves us, then the less we’ll be distracted by objectification. We’ll experience that we are more than our appearance. We’ll be living in the truth of our value and worth as image bearers of the Imago Dei. Peace to you, Kay

      • Nannie on

        It hurts me so much when looks at other women. Even younger ones. He tells me he loves me. But it don’t seem the same. He lies to me too. I see him looking at other women.

      • Kay Bruner on

        I think you might want to consider your boundaries in relation to your husband’s behavior. You know what’s going on, it’s not okay with you, and you can’t control him. You can only control your choices. Here, here, and here are some articles to give some ideas of what healthy boundaries might look like, given the reality of the situation.

    2. Justin Joseph on

      I’m eternally thankful for how the Lord has transformed my heart in the past 13 months. Prior to that, I didn’t have a clue as to what the beauty of a godly woman was being a slave to immorality…but that’s no longer the case. I’ll take a woman consumed by Christ over the filth this world portrays without a moment’s hesitation. I embrace my singleness right now, but I look forward if God would ever have me marry a woman whose beauty the world couldn’t hold a candle to. Continue to shine your light on the world Miss Weis, and I pray that more men would cherish beauty like yours. God bless you.

      Reply
      • tamara on

        Thank you for that , I don’t won’t worldly beauty it’s not beauty at all because have you seen Cameron d with out make up hurrible and she is mean. Most of these women the men trip behind have bunches of make up their not real . They look older when it’s off, I’m living for God’s beauty and it’s not covering what he has mad because alot of men have told me I was devastating and to find your own man don’t think so is crushing Because you really don’t care what no one else say but your man but , when he don’t feel the same as you do bout him all of a sudden. Something I feel is up, sorry for rambling but I hope you find the Godly beauty you deserve

    3. bondChristian on

      This hit very close to home for me. I’m not married, and one issue that’s keeping me from pursuing marriage is this problem.

      Is it possible to marry someone who’s NOT the most beautiful woman in the world to me?

      Of course, I think the answer is yes. But what happens in those moments when those questions come? What if I can’t truthfully say, “You’re the most beautiful person in the world”?

      Marrying someone knowing this up front feels like cheating her out of something she deserves. But from my side, how do I change? Or do I just go into it knowing that I will have to change as I go along?

      How could your husband have answered better? Should he have just told you not to ask? Should he have said up front that he’s having problems with this issue?

      Suggestions?

      I’m thinking out loud here – I know there are a ton of questions here. Thank you for sharing. I’m headed over to read more from you blog.

      -Marshall Jones Jr.

      Reply
      • Kathy on

        When you love a woman, you don’t compare her to other women. You just see this light, this beauty that is deep.. Also, there is more than one “most beautiful woman in the world” even if you had perfection, would it be enough?

        Would you want a woman who sees you as human and loves you, is totally attracted to you and happy with you as you are…. or do you want a woman who would always look past you because you just not quite perfect.

        You must be completely attracted, but attraction goes deeper. Maybe you don’t want to marry at all. Don’t be with a woman you dont really want or are attracted to- you’re just going to hurt her.

      • Silvia on

        Yes, I definitely think men should marry women they think are the most beautiful. Otherwise you are doidng them a bad favor. But we all know that the more you love someone the more beautiful they seem, what I am saying is you should marry a woman you love most in the world and this will make her seem the most beautiful in the world … So when she pops the question you will have a positive answer :) And make sure you keep loving her, cuz once you allow yourself to slip out of love you will see her, for example, as average not as the “most” and that is bad….and sad…

      • tamara on

        Yeah because someone else will think she beauty and you don’t , and it’s not fair , what if she just thinks your amazing which is why she would marry,

      • Kez on

        Your wife doesn’t have to be the most physically beautiful woman in the world but she should be ONE of the most beautiful women in the world to YOU. To you, her beauty should go beyond her physical attributes because you know her character, her heart, her humor, the beautiful attributes she has that make you smile. All of this, added with her physical appearance, should make her overall one of the most beautiful women you know. Does that make sense?

      • Gabriella on

        Hi there Marshall!

        As life goes on this will be a lesson for you. And it’s one that you can, and should, learn before you even think about rushing yourself into a marriage.

        I learned this very lesson over the course of the past four years… I have dated many men, have fantasied about marriage with a few: but have only known unconditional love ONCE. It is with a man who in the beginning was not my “type” he was not even on my radar, though I wouldn’t have said he was ugly, just not physically “appealing” to me at the time. He’s bigger, different features than I was used to looking out for. What I didn’t know was that this circumstance was a gift. Over the past few years working with him, laughing like I’ve never laughed before, everytime a true and genuine smile came to my face because he just SPOKE to me- I have gotten to know him, I’ve seen the goodness in him, his undemanding generosity, his exceptional sense of humor that matches mine: the way he understands me: how he treats other people. This was a love that’s GROWN in my heart, from taking my time. These now have been the most exhilarating liberating feelings I’ve ever felt: and I thought I felt overwhelming elation like an expert before. This is truly what the most convicted people in love will try to explain over and over again to those who don’t know what real love is waiting around the corner, about how this love was “different”. How they just KNEW before they married their spouses, that it would go the distance…
        I fell in love with the beauty in his heart and absolutely, ABSOLUTELY find him the most beautiful, sexy, man on the planet now : and I wouldn’t pick anybody else. It’s game over from here, haha.
        You need to wait for that kind of love. That kind of important soul connection can and WILL overshadow any physicality: I look at him now and all I see is a sexy man who I can’t keep my hands off of, and you can’t force that kind of switch but when it’s right, that light will switch on its own.
        When she’s the right girl no matter what “typical” appearance you THOUGHT you liked: oh it won’t matter anymore. You’ll only have eyes for her.
        THAT’S the woman you marry.

        The one you won’t have to worry about lying to: because you already know no other woman will do.

        You haven’t seen real beauty yet: I believe if it can happen for me it can happen for you.

        Good luck 👍🏻

      • Camelia on

        Hi I’m glad someone’ss still posting in 2018. I have a similar question as Marshall’s.
        I am not yet married but we’re living together and have 2 kids (my eldest is from a different dad). Through 5 years, we’ve fought over porn and now, I said I’ve had enough. I was decided to leave but he said he will change. He’s accepted his “addiction” and knows he can’t do it alone. He said he thinks the blessing of marriage can help us.
        I don’t think I can. His porn is almost always on big breasted ladies and I am super small breasted.
        He was never appreciative of my “beauty” no matter how much I dress up or make up for date nights or stuff.
        I think it will help him better if he got a woman of his “type” and I got a man who is more into small breasted woman.
        Not that that’s the only thing that matters in a relationship, I know.
        But on what Marshall said, wouldn’t it just have been easier and better for both sides this way?
        I appreciate your thoughts.

      • Kay Bruner on

        Marriage makes absolutely no difference, as the many women who write in here could testify! Your partner has to make his own choices and do his own work. He doesn’t need a wedding certificate for that. He can start any time at all! Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that you might find helpful. I think you are wise to wait and see if he’s willing to do the work he needs to do. Peace to you, Kay

      • Sarah on

        bondChristian
        I kind of agree with you. We can’t punish men for being honest. We want men to be honest! i think it is a Disney fairy tale that a woman will be the most beautiful princess in the world. Humans are not perfect. Even if we were physically perfect, it would be unfulfilling to be valued only for that. Ask any gorgeous girl or guy always getting hit on because of their looks. It’s far better to be appreciated for our inner qualities, and have our partner and friends choose to be with us because of our ways, traits, and qualities. Not looks. Don’t ask your husband stupid questions like “who is the fairest in the land” and then cry when it’s not you, ladies! You sound like an Evil Queen. Instead, observe your husband’s actions to see if he’s tender with you and likes your company and appreciates you. it’s all in the actions, that’s what you want. Loyalty in marriage is a choice. It’s not an involuntary thing brought about by the wife’s attractive appearance. It’s a choice for each partner every day. So, men, don’t lie. Women, don’t ask stupid questions about who’s most beautiful. Everyone, radiate your best self from within and keep close to God.

      • Linda on

        Open your heart. When you have your heart open and feel love, beauty is beyond everything this illusion of what we can see with our eyes. It is what you feel. I suggest studying the chakras.

    4. Ashley Weis on

      Hey everyone, thanks for commenting. Thanks, Luke, for posting this.

      To Dene — That night was truly one of the worst nights of my life. The pain I felt, the rejection, felt like it would reside in my heart forever. I never, ever thought I’d feel like my husband thought I was beautiful, much less the most beautiful woman in the world. But Dene, I have to say, your feelings of doubt will go away with time. It takes effort from both sides of the marriage, but it can heal. Obviously you’ll never forget the moment he said those words, but the way you look at that day can change. My life — and our marriage — has changed so much since then. The way we both see love and beauty has changed. And this had made such a difference. I believe you can have that same hope and healing. Time, time, time … but love heals wounds. :)

      Justin — Thanks for sharing your heart. Lord, please bring a beautiful, godly woman into Justin’s life to complete him and become one with him.

      Marshall – Great comment. So honest. Thank you for that. Here are my thoughts:

      The woman God has waiting for you is without a doubt the most beautiful woman in the world — for you. But here’s the thing … there is no MOST beautiful woman in the world. We are all beautiful — inside and out. Comparisons are not healthy, whether it’s a woman comparing herself to another woman or a man comparing his wife to another woman. We are individuals, each created to glorify God’s and highlight His beauty in our own unique ways. I am the most beautiful me. And the same goes for every person in this world. Your wife will be the most beautiful woman to you because beauty is more than looks. A wife is a treasure, a husband is a treasure. We grow old together, hold hands on the porch when our kids are old, and grieve when the other dies first. We love beyond appearance. So, yes, it’s possible to truthfully say to your wife, “You are the most beautiful person in the world.”

      We just need to think about our definition of beauty and ask God to give us a pure, healthy view of true beauty. We can’t look at beauty through the world’s eyes, it must be through God’s.

      If we are all honest, women and men, we know there are other attractive people in the world. To compare ourselves and put ourselves on scales with someone above us … it’s not how God sees us, so we shouldn’t see ourselves or others this way.

      My hubby couldn’t have answered better at that time, because he was being honest. Because of his porn addiction he had an impure, worldly view of beauty. He has changed since then. When he tells me now, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world to me.” I believe him. Because I know that he’s talking about more than my hair and eyes and physical traits that will fade as we grow old together.

      The night I asked my husband this question I was the one in the wrong. Yes, he didn’t understand the fullness of true beauty at that point, but I was looking for him to validate my worth and beauty, instead of seeing that through God’s eyes. I shouldn’t have asked. I shouldn’t have needed to, but I was insecure and hurting after finding out about his addiction.

      We have both changed since then. Having an understanding of true beauty, love, and pure intimacy has made a huge difference. So … that is my advice to you … discover the beauty of seeing people beyond the surface. Know that when you meet your future wife you will not have to lie in order to say, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world to me.” Yes, there are other beautiful people in the world and if we wanted to place ourselves on rating scales we could, but we choose not to … because we know that beauty is so much more than the surface. God proves that by being the most beautiful thing and not even being visible to our eyes. :)

      Hope that helps a little!

      Reply
      • candace on

        My husband was a porn addict which of course means he also was a liar. He has been clean for a long time now. But I still don’t trust him. He always says I am more beautiful than anything he has ever looked at. I am so mad because I know that it is impossible for him to have thought that way with all he looked at. I have been begging him to tell me the truth that I wasn’t always sexier than the models he viewed but he denies it. One time he started to admit to it but since then has taken that back as Satan putting false ideas in his head. But really if you have that addiction how can your normal plain wife compete? How do I get him to tell me the truth? I feel I need the truth to be able to start trusting him again. I don’t want to believe a lie that I am the most beautiful to him and always have been.

      • Luke Gilkerson on

        I think a couple things could be going on here. First, if he was honest with himself, he would say that his heart gravitated to the “beauty” of the women in porn because they had become his standard of people. Second, it is important for both of you to realize that a man can change his standard of beauty, making his wife that standard. I’ve experienced this in my own life. There is a part of me that will always have a weakness for pornography, but the more I actually think about the women I used to lust over, the more I realize they can’t hold a candle to my wife. This is primarily because I’ve worked on making my wife my standard of beauty, as I hope your husband has been doing as well.

      • April on

        I just did this .. I needed to know. I felt I wasnt enough, and this to me confirmed it. He asked another woman out right after I separated from him. Since then we have worked on reconciling and I asked him “everything aside from physical, who would you choose,” …. it wasnt me. And this is someone we DO know. She isnt anything super model-ish either. I work so hard to be attractive to him, I have had plastic surgery, I diet constantly, I tan, I dye my hair.. I try to keep up my appearance, but he would still choose someone else physically. The thing is, I wouldnt. He is my standard of what is attractive, he is overweight, balding, short, and years ago, that is NOT what I would have chosen, but I cant even begin to think of anything other than his appearance being more attractive to me now. I feel like all of this “upkeep ” is for nothing. I get looks and hit on by other men a lot, but it doens nothing for me, I dont want anyones attention but his. I read something about making your wife the standard of beauty, she should be what you compare other women too and they dont add up to her, I wish he felt that way about me. I feel ugly and frumpy and plain in his eyes. How am I suppose to feel beautiful and number one to him to be able to enjoy sex again, especially when for so long he rejected me and chose porn or fantasies with women we knew? I feel settled for not adored, that doesnt make me feel like I am what he wants. I am crushed.

      • Kay Bruner on

        Hi April.

        I think what you’re describing here is what happens to a lot of us: we get caught in the lies of porn just as much as our husbands do. We objectify ourselves just as much as they do. And just like our husbands need to see beyond the physical appearance to the heart of us, WE NEED TO DO THE SAME. As long as we play the game of physical beauty being our most imporant part of ourselves, we are colluding with the lies of pornography and objectification.

        If he’s ever going to be healthy and capable of true relationship, your husband has to stop believing those lies.

        And if you’re ever going to be healthy and capable of true relationship, you have to stop believing that you are defined by how you look and how your husband feels about how you look.

        You’ve got to start being okay with you, exactly as you are. All this performing and perfection is exhausting to the soul–and it’s a dead-end road. You’re going to get older. There will never be enough plastic surgery to stop time. Then what will you do? Who will you be?

        Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole. Find a counselor who can help you process through these thoughts and emotions. Find a group that will support the real you, just as you are.

        You don’t have to perform well or look perfect in order to be valuable. You are precious and beloved just as you are. Live in that truth and let it set you free.

        Peace to you, Kay

    5. bondChristian on

      Thanks so much, Ashley, for such an in-depth response. I appreciate it.

      -Marshall Jones Jr.

      Reply
      • Mercedez on

        This is me. I’m devastated. I’m angry. I’m crushed l try do hard to be beautiful for him . He has told me so many times to him l am not. I have just written a song about it. I knew from the beginning. Were married now. It is horrible for me.

    6. Angela on

      Thank you for this beautiful article. As a wife who has always been too scared to ask this question, I felt your pain as I read this. Thank you for focusing on the truth of beauty and God’s beauty in each of us.

      Reply
    7. Annette on

      Ashley,

      When I was young, and the only daughter of my mother, she doted on me often.I had aqua blue eyes and deep auburn hair. She worked for over an hour each time she did my hair into very long pencil curls. I was truly blessed by having such a loving mother. She also was a strong Christian, and she knew beauty was vain. As my mom did my hair, she would often tell me I was beautiful, but I should never consider it in such a way, that it would overshadow the more important things in life. She’d tell me to never let any vain comment about my beauty……..go to my head. She must have said it enough to me growing up, because it still hasn’t gone to my head.

      I have been married for more than 4 decades, and in the last yr I have learned
      of my husband’s secret “pastime.”

      Looking back my mother prepared me for these times, by always making sure I understood where “real” beauty comes from, and it is not what we see in a mirror.

      Our beauty is reflected from our soul’s mirror.

      She taught me to have strong character, deep goodness. The virtues that are lasting, even now as my hair turns white, and wrinkles come.

      Being taught, that Everyone in the World, are equal, in the sight of God.

      I am not impressed much by titles, nor wealth, nor beauty. I look at it this way.
      No matter who we are, we all die, and return to dust, and in 100 yrs. we will all LOOK the same. We all return to our maker, where the only beauty, in his eyes, are measured by our love for his Son, and if we have believed and excepted Christ as our Lord.

      I never have felt, that I have been less, than the women, he has lusted for.
      Remember, that song by Helen Reddy, I AM WOMAN…….I am strong.

      I know WHO I am in God, and my husband’s sins belong to him, and I am not the reason, he has failed me, or God. He owns all it, alone.

      If God would give me a choice……..that I could be the most beautiful woman in the World, and be separated from God, or be the most ugly, and have God’s
      love, grace, goodness, and glory, in my life…………I’d say,

      “Bring on the warts !!!”

      Once, in a phone therapy group, one wife, said, she opened up one of the porn sites her husband had viewed, and the only thing she came away with, was the fact, that all of the porn women, seemed to be driven, by demon spirits.
      So let them, have their looks, their bodies. I only feel pity and sorry for them
      when they will be judged. Their vanity will do nothing……..then.

      Remember, we live in a shell, it is our Spirit, that resides inside us, and that Spirit is inside every soul, beauty has no value. We are eternal, so none of
      us, will keep these “shells.”

      God is so wonderful and so GOOD to me, and He tells me…. I am of value,
      everyone is. I really dwell, on the fact, that I know his complete goodness and faithfulness. It is deeper now, so much deeper, my thankfulness, that I know
      His truth, his perfectness, when I put it up against, the sin that my husband
      has done. It just makes God even more dear to me.

      Would any one of us, really want, to be one of those women, in any of those
      videos or pictures ???? God forbid !!!!!

      This has been written, in memory, of my mom. I love her more today, than yesterday. I am in my 60’s now, and I so admire her and how she taught me and passed on the greatest Love of her life, Jesus. What a priceless gift. She helped prepare me, for the devastation, that has come into my life, 50 yrs
      later. Little did she know that……….but God……DID. Thanks God, You really do love me.

      Because He Lives, I can face tomorrow.

      Annette

      p.s. Happy Mother’s Day Mom, I miss you so much. I will always be
      indebted to you. You were the first person to tell me about Jesus and
      His love for me. You were a wonderful mother.

      Reply
      • Ms. B on

        Wow. Ms. Annette, this is sooo beautiful. You really ARE blessed. I’ve been dealing with this for about 4 years now (married 5). Guess WHEN I found out about his addiction?! It was the day after giving birth to our first son . I got a phone call from Verizon, while I was still in the hospital bed, telling me about a $600 bill. I was VERY highly upset thinking, they’ve GOT to have our account mixed up with someone else’s. (My husband and I shared an account that didn’t include the internet at that time) Then, when I got home and found out from the COMPANY where all the charges came from, I almost lost my mind. I felt so betrayed and violated and ESPECIALLY upset RIGHT after I’d had our child. Now, 4 years later, it’s STILL going on, and I’m CRYING out to the Lord to help ME deal with this rather than JUST praying for HIS deliverace. Websites such as these are helping me. I don’t want to talk to people concerning my husband’s addiction because I don’t to put him to shame MORE than he already is by me KNOWING that he’s still doing what he’s doing. I appreciate your statements. Keep ME in your prayers. It’s the END times, and satan is trying to tear down the saints of the most high, and he’s using THIS issue against ME really strongly right now, but with the help of the Lord, and through the power of his spirit, we WILL overcome this battle! Thanks again!

      • Shree on

        Ms Annette,

        You’re an angel! Too bad your husband doesn’t realise this fact :(

        And I’m pretty sure your mother is in the safe hands of God and that she’s happy and peaceful there :)
        I’m pretty close to my mom too, she’s the most beautiful woman there is, another angel like you! :) :)

        You have sort of made my day and I can’t thank you enough! I have been carrying the same pain (the hurtful words that I’m not at all pretty etc. etc. etc.) given to me by the man I married and loved with my heart and soul, for four years now. Crying and losing my cool have become a common thing because of this, and I have been praying everyday for an answer or some relief at least because I even became sort of suicidal at times. And finally God has decided to send me the answer, through you! :) your words are truly empowering and has given me a sort of positive energy and after reading your post I immediately stopped crying, and it really made me smile! :) yes, this is a big deal for me because it’s the first time in 4 years that I’ve been able to look at myself and see beauty and grace (I used to be pretty happy with my looks prior to marriage, and his comparison and ways of pointing out my physical flaws killed that happiness and my confidence overall, to a point where I lost my job and am still struggling with interviews. Yes, it’s been that bad.).

        I tried to address the issue all throughout these years, even stopped talking to him at one point and stayed completely out of touch with him for about 3months (I moved out of our house). He’s not addicted to porn, but he goes on and on about certain women on screen, and this went on for about two years, till I moved out and stopped talking to him. We don’t have kids yet, and in the future if we do, I’ll pass this message on to them and give them proper awareness while growing up so that they’ll be better equipped mentally and emotionally to face such bullets (I hope there won’t be any, still) in their lives.

        Eventually I moved back in for the sake of ‘saving the marriage’ (divorce is looked down upon and divorcee women are frowned upon in my culture, so, yeah, I had to cancel that plan, plus he’s not a bad person, he sort of cares and has supported me a few times when I needed help, so I shouldn’t just forget all that) and till this moment I haven’t received an apology from him even after I told him several times that it still hurts. I feel he doesn’t care enough or simply doesn’t want to admit it or thinks that what he said and did was right despite the pain it caused me.

        Negative comparison is the worst thing anybody can do to a human being, especially to a spouse or child. I’m sorry to read all of the posts here, I can feel your pain, all of yours :'(
        I hope you all stay strong through this difficult phase and heal those wounds completely.

        Ashley, Kay, and rest of the wonderful people here, thank you for making me feel that I’m not alone or that I’m not worthless or less in anyway for that matter! :)

        ❤Shr33

      • Shree on

        P.S. Ashley, really, I don’t understand why your hubby thought anyone else can be more attractive when he already has the perfect beauty in his life!

      • tamara on

        Wow yes I love that you said your mom always told you because I just said I’m going to make sure I tell my children how beautiful they are but don’t let it go to your head beauty is in the eye of the beholder , so if a man tell her she not the best , she might be hurt but remember your the best in God’s eyes we are all wonderfully​ made . I just experienced the pain of be told , your not the most beautiful thing is all the woman say they ask they mN I didn’t he just said it. It hurt I never thought of my self that way but when some one come and just gut punch u out of nowhere​ it hurts

      • Ashley Jade on

        Sweet Annette, child of God.
        I’m reading your comment/reply in 2018. I don’t know if you will ever see this, but I see I’m not the only one your message has touched. You’ve touched my soul deeply. Your message is like therapy for me. 😭💞
        Thank you.

    8. Rose on

      Annette…..
      Incredible! There is no other world to describe how I felt after reading you comment.

      Praise God! That even in your 60’s God is renewing and restoring you into a new women with a new purpose. A purpose to minister a new thing.
      Thank you for sharing.
      As I have gone through my own battles God has so blessed me with TRUE Joy. If I could collect all the tears I cried out to God in a bottle and use them to heal so many women from the pain. The pain that causes them to see themselves lesser then the way God sees them.

      Be Blessed my dear sweet sister, as you are one of the most beautiful women God has designed for an incredible purpose.

      Rose

      Reply
    9. Ashley Weis on

      Annette — that was truly beautiful. Thank you for that!

      Reply
    10. Valerie on

      If a man does not look at pornography, then he can truthfully say to his wife “you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen” because she will be the “only” woman she has ever seen. That is the way God created it to be.

      Reply
      • Patrick on

        “If a man does not look at pornography, then he can truthfully say to his wife “you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen” because she will be the “only” woman she has ever seen. That is the way God created it to be.”

        This just in defense of men who struggle with this addiction. I”m one of them and 10 out of 10 men including your very own pastors struggle also. This is just the fallen world we live in and “Every Man’s Battle” not just some “less than ungodly men.”

        Unfortunately a man’s wife will NEVER be the only woman he will see. There is far more than online pornography. There are practically “naked” women everywhere you look or near naked. In the 50’s There is the image that the world has created that finds itself on every magazine cover while standing in line at Vons, every flat screen television in your families living room that has a tv show host loaded down with makeup and a thin waist, (notice how they don’t put overweight people in these same roles), a co-worker who is meeting emotional needs who excercises religiously and wears tight clothes, every Youtube side suggestion, every smart phone app ad that pops up, and on and on and on I could go WITHOUGHT ever pursuing online pornography.

        What people have shared here is true. Its about the definition of beauty and we men all need to Return to God and his definition (repent means return to). At least in america this is true. In other parts of the world a woman’s feet is all you see. And in this truth, every woman has the responisiblity to uphold God’s purity and live and set standards of what they will and will not look like, what they will and will not wear.Some women would bash men who struggle with a worldly view but they themselves promote this view by owning Pintrest pages that have “sexy” women, clothing, etc all over them. We just need to help each other back to God. We’re all sinners. No sin is greater than another. Just one sin of any kind is enougth to be disqualified to be with God, but he forgives and we need to help each other get back to Him.

      • tamara on

        Him not being able to control his self is not an excuse there are naked men everywhere also

    11. Susan on

      I’m certainly not the most beautiful woman in the world. I’ve always had an “odd” slightly asymmetrical look, since I can remember, and while I don’t break a mirror, since high school I’ve known that I was well ‘down’ on the lists of beauty.

      It’s always been interesting, knowing this. There is the basic, biological desire to try to be and look like the ‘alpha female’ – ie beautiful. But there’s also the knowledge that it will never happen. And through that came acceptance.

      My husband loves my smile, my personality, my bubbliness, my generosity, my .. um, stuff I’m not supposed to say here. They’re all a part of me. And these are all a part of a woman’s beauty. Physically, yes there are many women he could name who are more beautiful than me. But that’s OK. It’s me he picked, and whom he fell in love with. I’m cool with that.

      After all, we can’t ALL be the most beautiful girl on earth.

      (Sorry this wasn’t much of a Christian reply.)

      Reply
      • Sarah on

        Susan , your post is real wisdom. Thanks for your perspective.
        We shouldn’t ask our husbands to worship us. Just to respect, appreciate and love us. We should not be trying to be better than other women in anyone’s eyes. Just like our own ways and be liked for our ways. There’s utter joy in that. God created diversity and it’s all good =) You said it better when you said: “My husband loves my smile, my personality, my bubbliness, my generosity, my .. um, stuff I’m not supposed to say here. They’re all a part of me. And these are all a part of a woman’s beauty. Physically, yes there are many women he could name who are more beautiful than me. But that’s OK. It’s me he picked, and whom he fell in love with. I’m cool with that.
        After all, we can’t ALL be the most beautiful girl on earth.” Hear Hear!

    12. Ms. B on

      Wow. This describes my feelings! I’ve never asked my husband whether or not someone was more beautiful than me simply because I KNOW I’m only “cute” and because I’d be too afraid of his response. Plus, to me, he ANSWERED that question WITHOUT me even asking him by some of the actions that he’s done. For one, (and this is by far the LEAST biggest inciden) I don’t wear make-up, but I was in modeling/acting school when I was younger and took nice pics with make-up on. One day I happened to say, “Man, I looked funny with that make-up on didn’t I?” Really thinking that I did. His response was, (keep in mind, he KNOWS I don’t wear any make-up), “No, I like that. You should wear some sometime in the bedroom.” Can you say total shock. I was like, wow. I was TOO hurt. As I said before though, this is the LEAST of the things that he’s said to make me feel “ugly” without him TRYING to make me feel that way. Don’t get me wrong. He tells me that I’m “Pretty” and “Fine” and compliments me all the time, but the OTHER things he secretly indulges in and other things he says to me WITHOUT thinking about it, is what makes me feel like crap.

      Reply
      • Patrick on

        I get you and that sounds like a litttle misunderstanding you and him need to work out. Your pain is valid. If he is wise he will aknowledge that. However so is his mind and it sounds like you do not allow him to be “honest” and if that is true you are in for serious trouble because if your husband likes “make-up” in the bedroom than either he will be unfulfilled by you or the worst case scenario is that he will find someone who would meet this need. No one is immune to an affair. Divorce is rampid in our culture. marriage is work. Would you risk your marriage because you didn’t care about his fantasies? Or are you willing to fulfill his fantasies to create a passionate and thriving marriage? Think about it. He is not having an affair but trying to express what he wants from you and my guess is that he wants it from only you. Make a list of things you want from him and allow him to make a list of things he wants from you. Fulfill the list and watch and see if your marriage does not bloom like you want it to.

    13. Michelle on

      I would like to share something, I can identify with you on many levels. My husband and I were in love when we met each other and we struggled a lot in life. He was very busy all the time with school and work for many years and this put a strain and on us. We had kids during our first years of marriage and in the back of my mind I was always waiting to be with him. I was waiting for the day they he would be done with school so we could relax and enjoy our lives. When he finally finished and got his degree and a good job he had to get training out of town.When he came back he informed me he and a partner had seen a “beautiful” woman. I was in shock. He even went into detail about it. I went from thinking I was the most beautiful woman to him to a pile of rubble. I didn’t say anything about it for about 5 years. Then when I met his friend I had to confront him and ask about this woman. His friend confirmed it and agreed to the comment and even added she was the most beautiful I have ever seen in my life…(he said this in front of his new young wife). Finally,
      I went into a fury..when I got home. It lasted about 1 year. I can’t tell you how bad I got. I thought I was the most insignificant nobody in the world. One reason for this feeling is because I knew my husband really loved me and we were special. We had something special. So this feeling was nothing I could deal with. I hurt myself with drunken binges that got me in trouble. I put myself in risky situations and I didn’t care what happened and I’m not even that kind of a person. The truth is you never know how your going to handle certain things in life until they come your way. Yes, my husband changed. He didn’t change how he perceives other women, he changed how he perceives me. He values me and loves me and has changed his behavior in such a drastic way that I can’t be angry any longer. A true change in personality that is consistent. That is what gave me peace. Many times when a man lets his eyes stray its because he has given himself over to his natural instinct. He’s not showing love or gratitude for what he’s got. Words are powerful. They can build you up or take you down. Truth of beauty is not what hurts women, its when their men don’t see theirs and they do not care if they hurt the other person by revealing the truth of their opinion. That’s not love. I would not tell my kids that some other kid is smarter or more handsome or prettier because I would not want to hurt my kids. Plus, I see their beauty and I would point out what makes them beautiful and I would build them up. That’s love.

      Reply
    14. jax on

      I’m struggling with feeling this way currently with my husband, and its like its even nagging at me even though our relationship is amazing. I feel this strong need to be the most beautiful to him although the wise part of me knows its insignifcant, I am still struggling with low self esteem. I was pretty comfortable in myself before about 4 months ago although I had settled with the fact that I would always want sex more than my husband and had resigned to asking for it probably a fourth of the time that I needed out of fear of more rejection. He never ever initiates. Anyway then I found out he had been using porn like 4 times a week when I was asleep. We had both used porn earlier in the relationship but I had come to see how it is essentially cheating and we had a promise to each other not to use, which I kept despite thinking about it many times. As far as I knew he was also abstaining as he knew how much it hurt me. This was a critical blow to my self-esteem. I had been settling for barely ever having sex because I taught myself to be grateful for sex every 1.5 to 2.5 weeks and here he was getting off with other women as much as I would love to! Our relationship has actually been strengthened considerably by this episode yet my self worth has been seemingly permanently affected. I know my own self image shouldn’t be dependent on his views of me but it is impossible to feel good about myself without focusing on every little flaw I can find. I can’t pass another attractive woman without thinking about what he is thinking and I am so paranoid about him using porn again to appreciate these “perfect” women. Please pray for me that both of us will be able to see with new eyes of what beauty truly is. I need God to continue working in our marriage to give me a sense of comfort and to give my husband “new eyes” for me. Thanks for your stories.

      Reply
      • Sarah on

        Jax, you poor thing, he should be having sex with you three times a week (apparently that is a normal healthy rate) and he clearly has the energy for it if he spent that time with porn. I’m sure you solved your problems because you wrote four years ago. Just putting down some solidarity/ support.

    15. Zoey on

      Thank you for taking the time to write and share your experience. I havebeen battling against envy for many many months after my husband has mentioned that he found his brother’s girlfriend more beautiful than me. I used to be confident, but after i heard what he said, something in me died. The dream to be the only girl for him is lost, and i find myself constantly trying to be more beautiful, doing makeovers,exercising just to compensate and become the most beautiful to him.

      Its frustrating that no matter what i do, on mybest, i feel i cant just compare to that girl. And it breeds a lot of resentment in my heart, i wish i didnt care, but i do… And that is where i find hard to cope with. Its sad that outer beauty counts a lot in our society. In my heart of hearts, i long to be the only one, the most beautiful one to my husband.

      Your writing has helped me cry out to God. I knew i needed His help in this, but i didnt know what to pray for. Thank you for showing me hope, that i can ask God to change how I see myself, and to see from His eyes. Iwish one day, i can finally defeat this feeling, andbe confident.

      Reply
      • Michelle on

        Zoey,
        I believe you will come back here one day, I did. I want to tell you that I believe you are going to feel better. You are going to grow stronger in the Lord like I did. Looks don’t matter. In fact, I have a lot of looks and my husband STILL found a woman that he thought was better than me. Everyone even beautiful women get hurt eventually. God wants us to understand how he hurts when we turn to other gods instead of him, that is what I learned. This man, my husband, I love but he is just a tool God used to show me what I am doing to him. Men are easily led, and lied to through false attitudes. A real women is just that -real. Be proud of yourself, respect yourself. God loves you and he made you unique and beautiful don’t let anyone rob you of that fact.

    16. Crystal Thomas on

      Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am in the same situation. I love my husband dearly but will I ever trust him again ? Will I ever stop comparing and competing with ever beautiful woman I see ? Will I ever feel beautiful again. As my 5th anniversary gets closer I want to be happy and excited and pure innocent love back that came so natural. But I feel as if his porn addiction has taken that away. I pray for all woman that struggle with this every day. Crystal September 2, 2014 12:24 am

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hi Crystal, well, I think you trust him again when he is trustworthy. When he does the work he’s supposed to do, faithfully, over time. We talk about boundaries here a lot, (here’s an article link for you) and I think good boundaries are one of the best ways to restore trust.

        You comparing yourself to other women, though, I think is more about your own healing journey. When I look at what you’ve written here, I think you might be connecting beauty to happiness and love. And let me tell you, as somebody who’s 48 years old, connecting your happiness and your worthiness to be loved to your beauty is not a good plan in the long term. Unless you have really serious money, and are willing to endure a lot of pain, all your pretty parts are going to head south, sag, and collect cellulite.

        So, while your husband needs to get his act together and be trustworthy, I’d say you also need to consider how you’re going to be really, soul-deep okay with yourself without comparing and competing for perfect beauty. Because even if you could hit that mark today, at some point in the future it’s going to be a no-go, and then what?

        So let’s hope he gets trustworthy! He has work to do!

        But while we’re waiting for him to do that work, take this as an opportunity to work on how you are inside yourself. You are loved with an everlasting love. Precious. Honored. God delights in you. That has nothing to do with how you look, and everything to do with who you are: His beloved daughter.

    17. Crystal Thomas on

      Kate bruner thank you so much for your reply. It is a true breath of fresh air that I needed. Internal happiness is within us and when we miss place it or loose it, we become something or someone different without intention. I have forgotten me. I love very deeply. I am a proud mother of three , wife and daughter but somewhere down the line I forgot to love me. As I start the journey to find love for myself, I truly thank you for your kind words and gguidance. Crystal Thomas September 3, 2014. 1:12 pm

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hey Crystal, thanks for writing back! I love it when we get to have a conversation. I think it is really easy to lose track of your own inner health, when you’ve got so many demands from the outside. The love that heals me the most isn’t something I’ve been able to conjure up from within, though. It’s been learning to receive God’s love for me. The difference for me between loving myself and receiving Love from God is wrapped up in hope. I’ve spent most of my life trying hard to do the right thing. In fact, I just wrote a book about it, which is up at Amazon right now. The thing I found when I was trying hard was that I could only hope in myself, in getting everything right. I actually did really well at that for a long time, but then the wheels came completely off the bus and it was a wreck. Then I had to learn, instead, to receive Love from God instead of trying to work it all out for myself. That sounds so weird and complicated when try to say it in a couple of sentences–hence the book :) Another good book about this is Emily Freeman’s Grace for the Good Girl.

    18. Julie McCloud on

      My ex husband did all the same things! I was having babies and it emotionally exhausted me to the point I didn’t want to live anymore. I knew my babies needed me. So I left. I don’t understand the cruelty. I do not believe they understand or ever will the emotional pain they inflict . I have been divorced 3 years and thinking about his porn addiction and his other women scares me half to death. He got a young lady pregnant while we were married. That was when I knew it was over. Porn always leads to something else. Women that have men with these sex addictions….get out. Your only other choice is to risk your health and stay with your husband. I’d rather raise my children with good health.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hey Julie, thanks for sharing your experience. We talk a lot about healing and restoration here–and that’s what we hope for–but we recognize that we don’t always get what we want, and then we have to make hard choices. Many women find that the healing just isn’t happening, and the guy is stuck in his addiction and won’t do the work to get out. I really appreciate you sharing that perspective to encourage women who find themselves in that place.
        Blessings in your journey of healing. Kay

    19. Kerry Rose on

      My story is this – married to the man of my dreams for 22 years. Last year I discovered him watching porn, and over the next year has admitted more and more things to me, including watching porn every night for a year, and fantasizing about his co-workers, friends, the checkout girl at the grocery store, ending up at the point where he admits that I “stopped being the girl of his dreams” 13 years ago, but that it’s “starting to come back”. He said he didn’t find me attractive at all when he first met me, and that for the last 13 years he “wasn’t proud to have me on his arm”. I have since lost 50 lbs, went blonde (for ME), and dress to be more attractive. He says I look better. But even still, he can’t give me a compliment without qualifying it – “I think you’re beautiful, but you’re not the ONLY woman I find beautiful”, “I really enjoy looking at beautiful women – but hey – you’re one of them”, and my favorite “I think other women are beautiful, but you’re cute too”. He admits to checking out dozens of young women a day. Do I have to just accept this as “boys will be boys”? My esteem is devastated.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        This makes me so sad, Kerry. Research is showing that with extensive porn use comes this kind of narcissistic entitlement: “You’re only valuable to me if you meet my personal standards of beauty, and I’m always looking around for something better, just because I can.”

        The crazy thing about this is that we KNOW our appearance is only skin-deep! We KNOW that real relationship is about who we are in the inside, not how we look on the outside! This is not news to anybody! And yet, we end up living our lives all on the surface, when the emotional and spiritual nourishment we need, and all HAVE, deep inside of us, gets ignored in favor of something that’s not even real. It’s heart breaking.

        Your husband may indeed live in this sad and shallow lie for the rest of his life, and that is devastating if he makes that choice.

        But YOU. YOU don’t have to live in those lies! I don’t care how much you weigh, how much cellulite you have, if your clothes come from Goodwill, or if your hair is purple. You can know the truth and let it set you free. This is who you are: precious and beloved and valuable and honored. God loves you with an everlasting love, and He has a life for you based on that truth, that reality.

        If you live in the lie like your husband does, yes, your self-esteem will continue to be devastated, because there is no way you can live up to the standards of airbrushing in real life. Plus, you’re just going to keep getting older and everything is headed south, every single day from here on out. Appearance is a fleeing mirage.

        I don’t know if you’ve read our free download, Hope After Porn? I think you might find those stories interesting–some women who decided not to let the lies of porn rule.

        Let me know what you think! Kay

    20. Catherine on

      Hi there – This comment is for the wonderful author Ashley Weis. I have been looking everywhere for your book, Beyond the Mirror and have had no luck. Amazon and Barnes and Noble carry it but for a very expensive amount of money! I believe that your book is definitely worth the amount they are asking for, but I cannot simply afford it. Can you suggest any less expensive options? I discovered my husband’s addiction about 10 months ago. He is free of his bondage but of course, I am still growing in my relationship with God after discovering this. Your book would be of great help! Thanks for any help.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hi Catherine, I wonder if you’ve checked out our free download, Hope After Porn? Several women share their stories of recovery. And here’s a list of more articles here on the blog that you might find helpful. All those resources are free. Blessings, Kay

    21. aqua on

      I can all relate to all the women out there. I also found out about my husband watching porn on his stupid cell phone, 10 months after getting married. It has already been 5 years after finding out, and till this day i still canot trust him. Every time we go out is a struggle for me with the fear of him finding someone else attractive. I get really depress if i think that he finds someone else attractive. He dosent even have access to any kind of internet because of my jelousy. Since that day i never feel good enough. Every time whe have sex all i cant think is probably he is getting of to the thought of other women and not me.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hey there, thanks for sharing. I think it’s pretty normal for women to have the kinds of feelings you’re talking about, but it does worry me that you’re still feeling so insecure 5 years on.

        First of all, I want to say that it is your husband’s job to deal with his choices online. Hopefully it’s not just you making sure he’s not using the internet. I can’t even imagine a person “not having access to any kind of internet” at this point in human history, so I’m not sure exactly how you’re making that happen. I think a healthier approach would be for him to learn how to manage his own internet use in a better way. If he never figures that out, if you keep on with the situation as it is? PORN IS STILL CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE, even if he’s not looking at it. He needs to get in control of his own stuff: internet filtering, accountability with real live men who can help him through, counseling if he needs it.

        Second, just like his stuff is his job, your stuff is your job. The struggle you have with fear, depression, and your own thoughts about whether you are attractive enough? That is your problem to deal with. You may need a personal counselor to help you process through this. You might also benefit from going to a group where people are talking about how to have healthy boundaries and how to make good choices for yourself without having to control others.

        Third, I hope you’ll take advantage of the resources here at Covenant Eyes, Porn and Your Husband and Hope After Porn are free downloads. Here’s a link to some of our most popular articles for women.

        Have a look at those things, and let me know what you think. There is more for your marriage than being stuck like this! Blessings, Kay

    22. jm on

      I was feeling quite sad tonight, and reading you ladies comments makes me feel like I’m not crazy. I’m not married though. My exboyfriend 4 yrs ago told me he preferred blue eyes. I have brown. He told me since then that what he meant was, HE wished HE had blue eyes (he has light brown). Also since then I was able to guess his passwrods to his dating websites and true to form, every woman he’s contacted has had blue eyes. You’re not going to believe this, but half the reason we broke up was because I always felt second best. It’s a sad feeling to look into your man’s face and feel doubt about yourself in your heart. On the other hand, it’s a glorious feeling, the feeling every woman should feel at least once, to look at your man and feel confidence and peace deep in your heart. Bad feeling feeling second best. I resented him greatly and to this day, can honestly say, if he had not made me feel second best, we’d probably still be together.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hi there. I’m so glad you found a safe place here. I hope you’ll continue to find safe places where people love you and value you as you are–created in the image of God, beloved, precious and honored. You’re never second best to God, and you won’t be second best to people who really, truly love you. Blessings, Kay

    23. Monica on

      yeah, but let’s not forget that that shape god created to whom he sees as perfect other people men who are the ones sexually stimulated by it doesn’t sees it that way, god sees the hottest and ugliest people (according to people’s perspective)
      both equally perfect, while people’s see some as ugly and some as hot.
      Summary, God is so selfish and unfair

      Reply
    24. Amita on

      Hi there , This article gives all woman a perspective that how to see ur beauty. Whenever we get dependant on others specially on our boyfriend , Fiance nd husband for our beauty it hurts . Its rare to find a person who loves truly ur soul otherwise they love ur physical appearance. That is the reason by the passing of time when ur outer beauty faded so called that love fades itself.

      Reply
    25. Trish on

      Hey, just reading through your post and some of the replies. Although my husband of 23 years has not had a porn addiction, he does drink quite a lot at times and this tends to cause all kinds of trouble. a couple of days ago I got a call out of the blue from a friend that I see from time to time. She’s always been a good friend to me as far as I knew, but she said she called to tell me something and she didn’t want me to get mad. So I’m think OH NO, and she says that my husband has text her and ask her out just the evening before and she’s not sure what to do about it. I ask her to send me a copy of the text not that I didn’t believe her, I wanted to read it for my self, it read like this:
      “I would like to talk to you sometime,
      if you would be interested in seeing me.
      I have always thought you were very
      beautiful…if you say no Please don’t tell
      on me just because I think your beautiful”

      Well needless to say i have been crushed ever since. I ask him about it and at first he lied to me and said he had never talked to other women. Then I read the text to him word for word. I told him he has never once in all the time we’ve been together had ever said I was beautiful much less VERY BEAUTIFUL. I don’t know what to do. My heart is broken, I feel like I’ve wasted all these years with someone who just kept me around to make his life comfortable (I do all the cooking, laundry, shopping, child care, cleaning etc.) How do I forgive and forget when I’m not sure it won’t happen again. And to make things worse my friend tells me this isn’t the first time he’s gotten in touch with her. But it was the first time he ask her out. So Now What???? I’m so lost….

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hey Trish. I’m so sorry, but so glad that your friend was honest with you. I think you need to carefully consider what healthy boundaries will look like in this situation. You might want to find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and figure out what’s going on. Peace, Kay

    26. kate on

      (((robinson.buckler @ yahoo. com))) … restored my relationship and my boyfriend came back to me……………………

      Reply
    27. Sunny on

      Wow, what a lovely thought that the love from God is unconditional and it is the only truth. Other people’s views and social conditioning is nothing, irrelevant, pointless, especially when compared to God’s love. To view oneself through God’s eyes and find that there is only love is wonderful, thank you for the post xxx.

      Reply
    28. Tara on

      I’m sorry-but reading ur post has made me so mad! My husband is the very same way! So all those attributes that your husband finds so beautiful…I say let those men find a woman who has those attributes. My thinking is that I’m beautiful. And I deserve better. Even if “better” means…by myself. I will never allow any so called man tell me that someone else is in any way better than me. Marriage is not a contest. the way I see it-if she’s so beautiful them go! Don’t cry over this, be grateful! Ur seeing HIM in his true light. As an ugly individual that basis self-worth off what someone looks like! I say dump him. It’s more likely-that he will run back to u all apologetic begging ur forgiveness Bc I can tell u first hand that he’s going to have a really Hard time finding anyone that’s willing to even put up with him. And I would place those words on my grandmothers grave. U deserve better and u deserve more

      Reply
    29. Sakila nongmeikapam on

      Thanks. Your post truly inspired my whole being. It’s heart breaking to know that my husband finds other women are more beautiful than me. On the other hand, i want to feel that i’m the most beautiful woman to my husband. All i can do to feel beautiful is to look through God’s eyes.

      Reply
    30. Phil on

      I’m so glad to have found this site. Reading through many of the posts truly makes me sick to my stomach. I’m a man married to a beautiful woman. And we recently got into a talk and i opened up about my battle with lust. I’m not making myself out to be a saint. It was hard to be open to my wife. And even more difficult trying to explain how God has changed me since i accepted Christ 3 years ago. I’m not perfect by no means, but the battle of lust has diminished a great deal; by Gods grace alone. I need a word of guidance and help. My wife has battle her whole life with her self esteem. And now that I’ve been transparent about my son I battle with, she’s devastated. Any guidance and prayer would truly be a blessing. It’s a real struggle for me to not feel condemned by my wife’s real justified pain.

      Reply
      • Chris McKenna on

        Hi Phil, does your wife have Godly friends that she spends time with and can use for discussion and accountability? It doesn’t sound like you can fix your wife’s self-esteem struggles. As much as it helps to be open, it may be a situation where based on your wife’s struggles, you will have to find someone else to be open with. Maybe another man who can understand. I know that’s how it works best for me in my marriage. I have to use great wisdom in figuring out what things to share with my wife so that I don’t transfer undue burden to her from my issues (if that makes sense).

        Peace, Chris
        Covenant Eyes

    31. DeeDee McGloughlin on

      In my opinion, it’s not about physical superiority but about relationship. Who could really be described as the most beautiful woman in the world? There will always be many more beautiful women than you and many less beautiful women than you. If you have a great relationship with your husband, you will become more and more beautiful to him. Part of it is physical…for example, my husband loves long hair and can’t stand short hair, so I grow my hair as long as possible. He tells me which clothes he likes. He doesn’t like dull colours. But oddly that’s pretty much what I wear anyway. I try not to gain weight. But it goes far beyond all that. There is a link between us that is greater than any connections he experiences with anyone else. I made a decision early in our marriage that I would make love with him as often as he wanted it. And that has stood til today. That’s our secret and we are more in love than we ever were. The romance doesn’t have to end.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Thanks for sharing, DeeDee. I’m glad your strategies have worked for you! I agree with you that the relationship is what matters, above all else. This article from The Gottman Institute really drives home the point that porn destroys relationship.

        Unfortunately, none of us are able to control the actions of another person, no matter how we wear our hair, how skinny we are, or how often we’re willing to have sex. We can only offer our best in good faith; all too often, women find that their “best” is not enough and their husbands make terrible, relationship-destroying choices regardless of the wife’s best efforts.

        Again, I’m glad things are working out so well for you!

        Peace to you, Kay

      • Sarah on

        Spot on, DeeDee. Great comment.

    32. Melinda on

      Thank you for this post.. love love love… It has helped me understand that Im not alone first… and that Im not crazy or untitled to my feelings of betrayal. My boyfriend of 3 years whom I thought was the man of my dreams but in fact has been the worst relationship I’ve ever endured. After I found porn in his history I tried to say okay we can watch it together so I can see what he gets from it that maybe I could try the things to turn him on..but instead when I tried this approach he then tells me that it doesn’t really turn him on that he likes the sounds that they make is what turns him on.. B.s. …. but anyways so I said okay.. he moved in with me and said he had stopped looking at porn for me as I explained it seamed to be cheating in my eyes that it was giving me a low low low self esteem.. in which Ive always been pretty confident in myself.. he promised to stop.. I figured out how to use google web history and found that he lied and hadnt stopped. This has been going on for 3 years and he still continues to get caught over and over… he calls me a hore and tells me he is jus joking calls me a bitch.. idk but my self esteem is at its worst…. last night he begged me to go to work..i decided not to go and jus realized he didnt have to work today… whats he up to? I cant trust this guy.. he says he likes fake boobs so something ive always said id never do…he has me thinking I need… he is obsessed with my butt …so every time we go out Im obsessed with looking at women’s butts to see if there is going to be one better looking than mine that he is staring at… when ever a beautiful woman is near us he will make a big deal and say why cant you be normal and say that im staring at him to see if he looks at her…but unless he wasnt looking why does he point out every incident ..meaning he must be looking or he wouldnt notice …. Errrr! I cry over and over because I dont know what to do…. He will make sure my needs are takin care of in the bed but he hasnt done anything with his man hood in months… it makes me feel like something is wrong with me… he cant get it up…. I eat very little , workout, dye my hair..constant looking in the mirror to see what to fix…. Im on the verge of giving up completely because no man has ever made me feel so low… He isn’t in to church as I got him to go one day in 3 years and he made me leave church early so he can go get waisted the rest of the day and watch football… Now Im on prozac because of suicidal thoughts which crossed my mind for two months and stay in the bed and sleep so I dont have to think about it no more… Feeling completely lost…

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Melinda, I am so, so sorry.

        There’s nothing wrong with you, but your boyfriend is making some unfortunate choices. It sounds like he may be suffering from porn-induced erectile dysfuntion. And in addition, he’s objectifying you and every other woman he comes in contact with. None of that is healthy, but it’s up to him whether he wants to be healthy or continue in these patterns.

        It’s very common for women in situations like this to have symptoms like you describe; in fact, many women will meet the clinical criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). When we’re treating PTSD, the thing we first want to do is STOP THE TRAUMA so that recovery can take place. I would urge you to consider what healthy boundaries you might put in place in order to stop the trauma that’s happening for you. Here and here are a couple of articles. You might want to find a therapist for yourself, to help you process emotions and work on those boundaries. You could find a trauma-informed group to attend. The online resource, Bloom, is another great place to look for help.

        Whatever your boyfriend chooses, remember that YOU can choose to be healthy and well!

        Peace to you, Kay

    33. Kimberly on

      This made me cry Because my husband has told me he does not think I am the most beautiful women. It breaks my heart because I just feel so unloved and undesireable and not pursued.

      Reply
    34. Ruth on

      Is the beauty the most important thing for a woman? Isn’t it primal and culturally conditioned since women used to be men’s child bearing machines.

      Reply
    35. Eve on

      Thank you for this post and for sharing something so personal. It helps to know I am not alone. You are not alone either. From reading the comments here it (these words from our husbands), seems to be distressingly common. I’m going to keep praying that God will help all of us to realize the value he has given to us that can never be taken away. I first read this post several months ago when these emotional wounds were fresh. I have started EMDR therapy and it is helping some. I also just cannot get over his opinions of me which have been stated and confirmed multiple times. Again, thank you for your vulnerability. It helps more than you can ever know.

      Reply
    36. Charlotte on

      Hi! I have suffered from physical illness and depression coupled with Anxiety. There has been a lot pressure on my marriage and I have picked up 15 kgs – I am working hard to lose that weight but my medication is making it more difficult. My husband has made it clear with little hints here and there that I need to lose weight (which I know and am trying to do). A couple of months ago he blurted out that since my weight gain he no longer finds me attractive – I left and lived with my parents for a couple of weeks – the pain I felt and still feel is indescribable. I wasn’t planning to go back but he apologized profusely, saw our marriage counselor on his own and assured me his attitude would change.

      During a recent discussion, he said he wanted to be honest with me about his thoughts and admitted that he often looks at other women at the gym ect and feels sad because I don’t look like that. He said he promises that he will change his attitude as he knows it will ripped our marriage apart. It was not a surprise to me as I’ve seen the way he looks at other women and it hurts so much.

      I can’t help but wonder if I shouldn’t just leave – many people have claimed that I’m an attractive woman, I’m kind and a good woman – if he can’t see it, that’s his problem right? I love my husband (I would never compare him to another man – he is the most attractive man to me because I love him). Is it wrong for me to expect the same from him – shouldn’t your spouse be your ultimate standard of beauty?

      After everything I’ve been through I hoped that my husband would be rock – not break me down even further. We are both Christians and he had me believe that while he thought I was beautiful he asked me to marry me because of my kind heart and inner beauty . Now I feel as if that was all a lie – and i’m thinking that if physical appearance is so important to him I don’t want to be married to him anymore. I don’t want him to try to not compare me to other women – or try to see my beauty…that should happen naturally.

      What will happen when I have children one day? Will I then also be compared to others? PLs advise me – I need the honest truth (for my own mental health and sanity)….should I give him yet another chance (his had so many already) or consider separation with intent to divorce?

      Thank you!

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Charlotte, I am so, so sorry. Your husband needs to take responsibility for himself. The sad reality is that as men view porn, they become more and more entitled. Somehow he’s come to believe that all women are objects for his visual enjoyment. One visit to a marriage counselor is unlikely to dig deep enough to rid him of this dysfunctional point of view. I would say he needs a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, and I’d say let him work on his issues for a while and then decide if you want to make a life with someone who objectifies women, and who will feel free to tell you that you’re not living up to his standards. That doesn’t sound like “love, honor, and cherish” to me, which is what most people promise to do. Your marriage relationship should be the place where you’re valued most in the world, not treated like a sexual object or a number on a scale. Peace to you. Kay

    37. Georgie on

      Sorry to say this, but in my experience, most men tend to objectify women. Where are the real men who love their wives as Christ loved the church? I think most men are immature and need to grow up.

      Reply
    38. Theresa on

      ( dr.mac@yahoo. com) is a wonderful, he just restored my marriage and my husband is back for good…

      Reply
    39. Anne on

      My husband is addicted to porn. We have been dealing with this for a few years now. He says he has quit. But it is so hard to trust him. He lies about everything, even stupid insignificant things that no one would need to lie about. I would never ask my husband if I was the most beautiful woman to him, because I already no the answer. It’s no. I am over weight. But I never felt ugly. In fact I always felt pretty. Until my husband said to me “Of course I look at porn & “expletive” because look at you!” I felt like I had been slapped in the face. It hurt my feelings so much to know the person that is supposed to love you, feels this way about you. We have been together 25 years. Since I was 17. Divorce isn’t an option. I just don’t know what to do & how to deal with all my feelings and emotions. When I cry he just says I’m feeling sorry for myself. I pray constantly, I receive some comfort, but it’s still not fixed.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Anne, I am so sorry.

        Every person is responsible for their own choices, so your husband’s choices can’t be your fault. I’m sure you know this, even if he doesn’t.

        Your husband’s lack of compassion for your pain is a very difficult thing to bear, and I’m so sorry for that. His dismissal of your emotions is called gaslighting, and is a form of emotional abuse.

        It’s very common for people to project their feelings of shame and guilt onto others, and when we’re the closest person to someone who’s violating their own values, we’re the most likely target. You might want to watch this short animation on defense mechanisms so you can be prepared for these kinds of behaviors.

        Find a counselor who can help you process your feelings and create healthy boundaries. Here and here are some articles to help you start thinking about boundaries. You might also like to check out the resources at Bloom.

        Peace, Kay

    40. Kendra Taylor on

      I still don’t see… how you can be ok knowing your husbands truth… if a man loves you he should be able to fight that I mean I struggled with not looking at other men for oh 3 months tops then it was easy to not notice them not to look all I know is they are people passing me if anything I worry more about women looking better yeah she may have flaws but obviously not to my husband if he can take his eyes off me and stare down another woman…. it’s 5 years and married for 4 years…. how can that be love it’s not hard to switch your mind if you truly love that person. I love God and everything but what I’ve read is what men or some men do some women even is adultry for just looking men only listfully look at women how can you be sure he isn’t Fantasing about that woman when he stared her Down and looked back at her ass it’s different if it’s face beauty but when they look at the parts of a woman where eyes shouldn’t roam then that is not real love they have for their wife. I can see a mans face and say oh he has nice green eyes or face in general but looking down and saying oh nice ass or boobs or what ever male or female that is not right.. I will never feel beautiful until my husband actually can show me I am his only and doesn’t need to see someone else’s body parts… weather clothed or not… I hate when I hear people justify men or woman who look… I know I’m beautiful in Gods eyes but I’m living with my husband and see this i shouldn’t need to see it nor should he be doing it plain and simple uplifting your wife is what men need to do and not just with his words but with his actions and patterns

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Objectifying someone else is never okay. Other human beings are created in the image of God, they are valuable because of that, not because of how they look. If your husband treats you and others are objects, it’s time to think about what healthy boundaries will look like for you in this relationship. Here, here, and here are some articles that might help. You bear the divine image of God. Your relationships shoud reflect this. You are not required to live under someone else’s slavery to objectification. Peace, Kay

    41. joeann on

      Hi, I have been dealing with my husbands porn issue for 6 years. The other day I found out the same thing that I was not the prettiest girl to him. Something that should have been a no brainer considering the porn and cheating. It broke my heart I must have cried for half the day. I don’t understand how someone who is supposed to love you above all else can compare your looks to some bimbo. I still don’t understand and I still don’t know how to feel. It hurts everytime I think about it. I just want to die and let him find someone he does think is beautiful. Why does it bother me so bad. Why do I want to throw in the towel over what a cheating man thinks. Because I love him? Pride? I don’t know all I know is it hurts so bad and I don’t know how to deal with it. Please help.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hey there.

        I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re going through. I think there are a couple of things that might help.

        First of all, make sure that YOU are getting the help and support that YOU need in order to deal with this situation. Find a counselor for YOU. Find a group for YOU. Check out the online resources at Bloom, to see if those might be helpful to YOU. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU choose to be healthy.

        Second, if your husband is so caught up in his craziness that physical “beauty” is his measure of your worth, well, we can’t help his crazy. But that doesn’t mean you have to live in it. I would just BET that he’s not the most handsome man on earth and yet he thinks he can judge you this way? PUL-LEESE.

        Hop off the crazy train, my friend!

        If he can’t understand your value as a human being beyond some particular collection of body parts, then yes, it’s probably time to think about your boundaries. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries.

        You are NOT required to live as a slave to your husband’s sin. There is life, peace, and freedom for you.

        Peace,
        Kay

    42. Alicia Brito on

      You’re a beautiful human being, and thank you for being so open and courageous. I am concerned that your husband negatively compared you to another woman when you were in need of emotional support. That is a red flag of emotional abuse. You may want to educate yourself on this topic. Emotional abuse tears away at a persons self esteem. I hope you continue to grow in your faith, and perceive your beauty inside and out, as we all should through God’s eyes.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Thank you for pointing out this red flat, Alicia. For more signs of abuse, check out the Power and Control Wheel from the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence. (Emotional violence is violence!)

    43. Elekie on

      Thank you for writing this (and you see, reached to me even after 8 years).
      I was devastated when my husband said a girl he dated is “beautiful like me”. I’ll be giving birth to his child in less than two months.
      I constantly ask myself why am I nothing more but equal to other women?

      However, I found strength in your post. I agree, sometimes even if it’s words from your loved ones, they can hurt you and are not entirely truthful.
      What is more important is what God thinks. Sometimes us humans are too unintelligent to see through beauty.

      Hugs to you.

      Reply
    44. Mariah on

      Hello,

      First of all, you ARE beautiful. After reading your blog post (thank you for it!), I couldn’t believe this happened to a woman as attractive as you. I feel your pain. I am in the same situation with my current partner. Your article made me feel relieve in that I am not alone. He has said hurtful things – to my face and I also saw him making comments online on women’s photos, where he actually said he found a woman with very large breasts more beautiful than his own girlfriend (me). I am still unsure if I can forgive him. Right now, it just hurts very much. I will read some of the links the poster above me shared, I think they are helpful for my situation.

      And I remembered another thing. I chose my boyfriend, but before there was another man who courted me. The last time I met him, he said to me: You aren’t perfect, but you are perfect for me. And that, I realize now, was one of the most beautiful things anyone has ever said to me. He relieved me of the pressure and necessity to have to be the most beautiful. Even if others are more physically perfect or better in other ways, they aren’t me and that was what counted for him. There are men, humans, like this out there, and I learnt my lesson.

      God bless you.

      Reply
    45. Elle on

      Wow. Thank you so much for this article. It has really helped me to feel better.

      Reply
    46. Kris on

      Thank you for this article. Im sure it was not easy to write and share. My husband is a wonderful man and always so kind and loving to me but he has made a few off handed comments to me that wounded me and sent me looking for Christian advice online.
      This past weekend he said, ” I think you are beautiful, I don’t care what everyone else says. ” It stopped me dead in my tracks and although I tried to keep positive thoughts and move on it hurt deeply and I am still hurting days later.
      As a godly wife, it is one of my top priorities to be loving and pleasing to my husband. I now feel like I will never attain that goal. like I am a source of shame to my husband because of my appearance.
      You are right, the devil is the true enemy and he comes only to kill, steal and destroy. Thank you again for this article, it helps me to know how to direct my thoughts and prayers surrounding this situation.
      God Bless and You are very beautiful!!

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Your husband’s comment “I think you are beautiful, I don’t care what anyone else says” sounds like emotional abuse, manipulation, and gaslighting. It sounds like a very carefully constructed comment, designed to make you feel shame filled.

        I wonder if those “off hand comments” are really as “off hand” as they seem.

        I wonder if they are really so “few.”

        Here’s the truth: you are already fully pleasing, whole, valuable, just as you are.

        Your husband is not God. He is not your source of value.

        Here are a couple of books you might check into if these “offhand” comments continue. The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans. Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.

        Peace to you,
        Kay

    47. kay on

      While we were dating, my husband emailed a certain lady he was having a fling with(while dating me) “you are the most beautiful woman I have ever come across” the pain I feel in my heart, I cannot explain.
      I will try my best to see myself the way God sees me. Thanks for the article

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        See yourself the way God sees you and treat yourself the way God treats you: with total respect and freedom from victimization and abuse. You are not required to be the victim of anybody’s sin, including your husband’s sin. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that might help. No matter what your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole. Peace, Kay

    48. Bev on

      My husband told me (in front of another couple we were eating with) that our daughter looked better in my old clothes I handed down to her then I ever did. I was devastated. Most people tell me she looks just like me. I just can’t feel sexy around my husband now and am devastated. I also feel embarrassed. I know I look good for 53 and 4 children but now I just feel ugly most of the time and I rarely go out. I know he looks at porn and I just don’t rate anymore. I just can’t get past his comment. My husband is a man of few words who doesn’t give out compliments. I told him I was hurt but he didn’t say anything further.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Bev, what really troubles me is not so much what your husband may be trying to say about you.

        What really troubles me is that he seems to see your daughter as a sex object that he can judge as “looking better than you ever did.”

        I find it deeply, deeply troubling that this “man of few words” would verbalize this in front of another couple.

        Bev, the real concern is not about you and whether you can feel sexy, although I am sorry it impacted you this way.

        The real concern is that your husband looking at your daughter as a sex object.

        I hope you will take careful consideration of what your boundaries need to be after such a devastating statement. Here is an article that you might find helpful.

        I would encourage you to find a therapist for yourself immediately, someone who can help you process what is going on with this man, face the reality, and make healthy decisions not only for yourself but especially for your daughter, who depends on you for her safety and protection.

        Peace to you,
        Kay

    49. Anonymous on

      I’d have been ok if it was an actress – sorry I say this because my husband told me last night that his colleague is the most beautiful woman in the world that he has ever met. I’m here sitting in my car bawling my eyes out after a trip to the super market. I just couldn’t do anything. I’m stuck in that moment and I don’t think I’d be able to come out of it 😭

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        It sounds like your husband is an emotionally abusive person. He feels that he has the right to judge another woman’s physical appearance and then to use that judgment as a weapon against you.

        No wonder that had such a terrible impact on you.

        You might want to read Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That? and assess this relationship for other abusive elements.

        You absolutely can come out of this, when you recognize that he’s the person with the problem, and you don’t have to be a victim of his problems. You are whole and valuable and precious, as you are, whether he can see it or not.

        I’d suggest finding a therapist who can help you process through this and set healthy boundaries in the face of this reality. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that you may find helpful.

        Peace to you,
        Kay

    50. Sarah on

      For anyone doubting that it’s God’s will for a husband to see his wife as the most beautiful to him, look no further than Song of Solomon. She expresses her insecurities and he reassures her that she’s the most beautiful and desirable woman in the world to him! I’m sure she was physically beautiful, but I doubt his words were driven solely from that place. He also points out that his beloved is unique amongst all the thousands of women he could choose to be with. I’ve shied away from marriage so far for many reasons, but one of them is men’s tendency to objectify. I’ve questioned if my desire for that level of reassurance is realistic or even vain. I came to the revelation that it’s completely biblical and aligned with God’s desire for how marriage should be.

      Reply

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