The following is a testimony from a friend of our ministry. May his story encourage anyone who knows the pain and struggle of porn addiction.
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I relate so well to the Paul who said, “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst” (I Tim 1:15). It’s hard for me to understand why God chose to save me, much less guide me through recovery in such a miraculous way. I had all the right beginnings: my father was a minister; I grew up in a Christian home; and there was no divorce. But nine years of sexual abuse at the hands of two older teenage boys left me damaged beyond what church attendance could fix.
By age eleven I was definitely a sex and pornography addict. I used that to escape my feelings of personal failure and shame. By high school, I was abusing younger boys myself. As an adult, I did not understand where my overly sexual feelings came from. I was a dark person inside, but I tried extra hard to appear “good” around my Christian friends to compensate.
I thought marriage would help. It did not. Four years into our marriage my wife realized I was sexually abusing a teenage boy we knew. She should have left me. God should have left me. Neither my wife nor God left me, and it is still hard to understand the reason(s) why.
Instead, my wife found a Christian therapist who treated sexual addiction and told me to start seeing him in 30 days or get out (boundaries are good for recovery). A few years earlier, I would have left. But a funny thing had happened in the first four years of our marriage: I had fallen in love with my wife. I had never felt as accepted by anyone else in my life before this time. So, as terrified as I was, I went into therapy.
My therapist insisted that I also go to a weekly group for men who were sex addicts, in addition to seeing him. It was a Christian group run by a nearby church. My therapist said that a person with my profile (statistically), had only a 10% chance of recovery. He told me and my wife that marriages such as ours (with the challenges we were facing) have only a 20% chance of making it. At the same time, he said that there was hope if we didn’t give up.
My wife also saw a therapist and joined a support group for wives of sex addicts. I am convinced that, had she not taken these actions, we would not have had the tools to make our marriage last.
Six years later, after an amazing recovery, the crime I had committed came to light. I did not want to go to prison, but I knew that God could never use me until I did, so I turned myself in. By then we had two children. I served four years in prison. My family stayed by me the entire time.
Flash forward to the present, and I am reunited with my wife and children in a home, miraculously healed by the power of God. I have been in recovery for 13 years now. Through continued support from our new church, my recovery group, my wife’s recovery group, and God, we have found peace and healing. God has beaten all the odds. I absolutely do not deserve it, but God has blessed our family deeply.
So, back to my original questions, why did God save me? Why did He choose to lead me through recovery? I am a shame to Christianity. As hard as it is for me to accept, I look back to Paul’s words: “But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life” (I Tim 1:16).
I am sorry if my story is offensive to you. It is offensive to me as well, but I hope there is someone out there who receives hope from it. Sexual addiction is apparently the most difficult addiction to recover from (as far as we currently understand, anyway). But I am living proof that even the very worst can find healing in Christ. It requires complete dedication. It does require a support group. It may require therapy. Spouses of sex addicts should join a group as well. But if I can find recovery, anyone who is willing can do the same.
Truly an amazing story. Love does cover a multitude of sins. It is a shame how society views this sort of thing. I’m sure our society’s lack of love and mercy in this area is a major contributor to the sad statistics you mentioned. Thank you for your honesty.
I find it interesting in his testimony that he never mentions remorse for the harm he caused the boys whom he abused. It’s all about him and his recovery. What about the path he sent those boys down, as was done to him? Have they had any healing?
really amazing story of God’s grace to this guy. Thanks for sharing it
It’s truly inspiring. People need to hear this. This is one of the best testimonies I’ve heard as far as how far gone you were before Christ brought you back. It can be inspiring to others who are out there because they may think it couldn’t get any worse for them. But, there’s always someone at a lower point in life then you’re at.
God is good.
Wow. Thank you for sharing your Testimony, Christ came in and brought a great deliverance. Praise Him! My ex husband is addicted to porn, we divorced because of it actually because he does not see his sin as sin, he is not a believer though he claims to be. Very hard situation, my heart still hurts and doesn’t know what to make of it, but it is encouraging to hear your story, though I am already divorced, I know there is still hope for him. God’s work he will do apart from me in his life now. My heart goes out to wives who are in similar situations as these. God gave your wife an amazing heart, His heart for you. I am so joyful to hear of all of this!!! God is compassionate and gracious. Praise Him!