"The Stop, Look, and Listen Plan"
You are here: Resources / Counseling Resources
A Plan of Action When Secret Lives are Exposed
By J.E. Rose, Ministry Resource Director
Covenant Eyes Inc.
Julie couldn't believe what she found! A DVD, under the front seat of her husband's car. The title alone made her want to vomit. Her head was spinning and she wasn't sure whether to cry or scream. Could her husband possibly own this kind of video? This wasn't just an R-rated movie. It was worse than anything she could imagine. How would she confront him about it? Could she? Or should she just pack her things and get away from him as soon as possible? She couldn't believe it! How could she believe that her husband was doing this to her?
Although this "Julie" is fictional, I can guarantee you something similar has been played out hundreds of times in real life. Maybe even with you. The first response of someone like Julie is often one of shocked unbelief or angry outrage. Or maybe some of both. Even if the issue is not as extreme as this, discovering that a spouse or loved one has a secret life can be one of the most devastating things you've ever experienced. We have prepared this article not to answer all your questions, or even to solve your problems, but to give you some guidelines on what to do next.
If you have recently discovered or have reason to believe that your loved one has been living a secret life with pornography, you are dealing with a flood of emotions and thoughts right now. Everyone and every situation is unique, but a thread through them all is brokenness: feelings are broken, thinking is broken and the relationship is broken. What should you do now? I recommend a three step plan: Stop, Look, and Listen.
STEP ONE: STOP
Julie's thoughts and emotions are damaged right now, not to mention her relationship with her husband. It is important that she stop the panicked, irrational thinking and feeling. If she continues unchecked down this path she is at risk of doing something foolish or dangerous either to herself or others. There will be time to take action and there will be time to figure out what happened. At some point she will need to try and make sense of it all. But now, the most important thing is to stop and collect herself. Julie should take some deep breaths--for several minutes if necessary--closing her eyes and trying to block out all the distractions. Because she is a Christian, Julie should speak some prayers to God, crying out for His help. I would suggest that Julie speak these prayers out loud. When she feels herself wandering into speculation about the future or how all this will work out, she should firmly talk to herself-again, out loud: "Stop this. I need to think clearly. I will not do anything foolish!" And then pray some more to God. The purpose of this first step is to keep Julie from just reacting to her shock and doing something that she will later regret. Julie needs to understand that this news has done damage in at least three areas:
Broken Feelings
Whether it's a spouse, a child or a best friend, once the secret life has been discovered (or even suspected) there are a variety of broken feelings with which Julie and others must contend.
Rejection - Because relationships are always built upon trust (see below), when we discover that someone has been living a secret life, involved in things they refused to tell us about, the trust has been broken and we feel rejected. If this person is a spouse or family member, chances are you used to feel loved, accepted, and felt a special bond with them. Now that you know what they have been doing, something you find objectionable and even disgusting, you feel betrayed and cut off from them. Feelings of rejection can come from others as well. For example, if you are a part of a church and other people hear about the secret life, they will often say things that are hurtful, harsh, or judgmental. It is natural to feel quite lonely and rejected.
Anger and Resentment - One of the most common emotions when feelings are broken is anger and resentment. Anger is one of the ways we try to protect ourselves from the hurt and rejection we feel. Just because you don't yell and scream doesn't mean you're not angry. Anger comes in all shapes, colors, and sizes. Some people strike out in their anger, others quietly withdraw. Some people hold it inside. Others explode in rage to people that really aren't the problem--other family members, co-workers, even strangers. Though striking out is a natural response to the broken feelings, it can be very destructive and uncontrolled anger can have lasting consequences.
Fear - Another natural outcome of broken feelings is fear. Like anger, fear has different ways of manifesting itself. Some run away because they are afraid. Others become more aggressive and hostile. If the secrets uncovered or suspected are criminal in nature, or if you are concerned about your safety or that of others in the family, you may have good reason to get away. However, if you are running away, this may be different from getting away.
Broken Thinking
In addition to feelings of hurt and rejection, another casualty of the exposure of a secret life is your thinking. Your thoughts may be broken and not functioning correctly. Here are three things that can occur:
Confusion - On one hand, you love the person. On the other you are utterly revolted and disgusted by what you have found. Part of you wants to help the person. The other part wants to kill them! When thinking is confused like this you're not sure what to do next. Some people handle this confusion by trying to ignore the situation altogether. Some try to get their mind off the issue by escaping into food, sleep, or dangerous substances, like drugs.
"Craziness" - In addition to the mental confusion about a future course of action, you might also experience a general sense of "craziness" about everything. Some use the term "surreal" to describe the feeling that you are living a nightmare and are helpless to do anything about it. Craziness means that nothing makes sense, even things that seemed to make sense before. It's like your whole world has turned upside down.
Hopelessness - Finally, broken thinking results in hopelessness. Hopelessness is not only broken feelings. It's also a symptom of broken thinking. For when you are hopeless your ability to make good decisions about the future is impaired. Many people who are hopeless begin to think there is no future for them or the future is not worth facing. They consider ending their life (suicidal thoughts). It is important to understand that hopelessness is a sign of broken thinking and indicates a need for immediate help from others.
Broken Relationship
When a secret life is exposed, relationships are broken. There are at least three reasons.
Trust is Broken - Trust is like a bridge between one person and another. That bridge is what allows communication and intimacy to occur (see below). According to the dictionary, "trust" means you put your confidence in the integrity and truthfulness of another person. When trust is broken because of the discovery of a secret life, you can no longer put confidence in them. You can't depend on them. You don't know if they are telling you the truth or lying to you. You can't have a meaningful relationship with someone you don't trust.
Communication is Broken - When the trust "bridge" is broken, communication is damaged as well. In order to communicate with others you have to be able to believe what they say. The secret life meant they were living a lie. Perhaps they actually lied to your face, insisting they were not doing things they really were. Those who have lived secret lives for long periods of time often develop highly sophisticated and elaborate systems of deceitful communication with people around them. Some are so used to lying that they begin to believe their own lies.
Intimacy is Broken - Intimacy describes a level of interaction between two people that goes beyond words and communication. It involves the way you physically relate to them. There are sexual elements to intimacy in some relationships, for example a husband and wife express their affections in a multitude of very physical ways. There are non-sexual aspects of intimacy in our other relationships: our desire to look another person in the eyes; to give them a hug; or to be in the same room with them. When trust and communication are broken, physical intimacy can break down as well.
STEP TWO: LOOK
Next, Julie needs to look. By this I mean she needs to be alert because she does have to take action. But she needs to act based upon her most important priorities. That will require looking. Here are at least three things she needs to look for in these early moments of her crisis.
1.) Look for a Place of Safety - In our story, Julie was sitting in her husband's car when this happened. If possible, she should immediately get out of the car and go to a place where she feels protected. This might be a friend's or parent's home. It may be her own. Even if there is no actual threat to her physical safety, she needs to feel safe.
2.) Look for a Trustworthy Helper - It is vitally important that Julie find someone she can trust to help her plot her next steps. Hopefully she has another family member or loved one who is available. If someone has no friends they can trust, there are other possibilities. For example, many communities have crisis intervention services. Julie has a friend named Kathy and she calls her for help.
3.) Look for the Next Step Together - When going through a crisis, we want to know many things, not the least of which is how all the details will work out. The best we can hope for is to look for the next step to take. As Julie meets with Kathy they spend time together talking and crying. Kathy allows Julie to vent her emotions for a while, just listening. Because Kathy is a Christian, she believes God is watching over all things. Kathy suggests they pray together about the situation, asking for wisdom from God about their next steps. After that, Kathy gets out a Bible and reads some reassuring words about God's comfort and presence in times of need (she reads the familiar Psalm 23).
STEP THREE: LISTEN
So far, the goal has been to stabilize Julie and keep her safe. Now, the goal is to develop a course of action. This requires listening. If Kathy is capable of giving advice, and if Kathy is a trustworthy helper, Julie needs to listen to Kathy and take seriously what she says. If Kathy is not capable of doing this herself, or if Julie has reason to doubt Kathy's advice, she needs to listen to someone else. In this scenario, Kathy doesn't feel comfortable giving advice. So she suggests they call the pastor of their church. Together they visit the pastor, and, after listening to the situation, he helps them develop a plan of action for helping Julie as well as her husband. As difficult as it might be, Julie's next step is to listen to and act upon that plan.
How about you? Are you or someone you know involved in a secret life? Have you or someone you love had a secret life exposed? If so, you are at a very serious crossroads in your life. The next steps you take may have long-lasting impact on the rest of your life. So please, please be careful. Be careful to stop, to look, and to listen.
For additional information please Contact Us.
Last updated: 2008-04-04