I Told My Wife I’m Tempted By Pornography…
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I was scared to tell her, but I had to… Wow! Her reaction…
I built my first computer when I was 16. My parents thought I was pretty cool, and they were proud of me. They didn’t know that half the time I was surfing for new pornography sites. I found thousands of them, and many of those images are burned into my mind.
I got married when I was 21, but I didn’t tell my wife about my problem. Nobody knew! How could I tell anyone I was a pornography addict? They all thought I was squeaky clean. I went to church, went to college, got a degree, got a good job, got married, and a year later had our son. I was living the American dream! But I was dead on the inside, trapped in a dark alley of sin. I could always find excuses for using the Internet – work, auction sites, etc. But more and more, all I could do – all I could think about – was pornography, pornography, pornography. I could never get enough. I’d get aroused by one image that stuck with me for a few hours, and then I’d need to go find another one to arouse me in a different way. I couldn’t stop… I looked at pornography at work, at night, when my wife was in the bathroom or making dinner, every moment I could.
I began to hate myself, and it affected my relationship with my wife. One time she caught me, but I was able to convince her it was a popup. I fooled her by adding a free program that was supposed to monitor where I went, but that was so easy to get around! It was simply a lie to make her think I was doing the right thing.
It was even affecting my work. I’d spend so much time looking at pornography on the job, I wasn’t getting my work done. I limped through with excuses.
But finally I decided I had to tell my wife. So I did…
Wow! The effect it had on her was really surprising! I knew she would be upset, but it was as if I had been carrying on an actual affair with another woman. I found out that in fact I was having an affair – not with just one woman, but with thousands of them.
We went to counseling and also told our pastor, who also counsels us. They “ordered” me to install Covenant Eyes.
All I can say is that Covenant Eyes has been a life saver for me! What was once a dark alley is now a brightly lit avenue. I’m still tempted. Occasionally, I even catch myself lingering on a lingerie ad or something like that. But I know that Covenant Eyes will even highlight those sites, and my partners (my wife, counselor, and pastor) will know about it, so I leave immediately. 
My wife and I are still in counseling. It’s been a tough road, but we actually are now developing an honest and good relationship. We review and discuss my accountability reports every week, which opens the door for healing conversation. I’m so thankful for the renewal of our relationship.
Covenant Eyes has given me a way of re-developing the integrity I lost, and also a way to demonstrate my sincerity in wanting to rid myself of a terrible sin. It is the best defense I have ever found against the devastation that pornography was in my life.
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Last updated: 2007-12-20