Porn tries to convince people that more porn and more partners brings satisfaction. But a 2011 study of long-term committed relationships (with a median duration of 25 years) showed the opposite. The study showed that the longer a man was in a relationship, the more likely he enjoyed relational happiness and sexual satisfaction. Women, in turn, enjoyed sex less during the early years of their relationships and experienced greater satisfaction later.

Another study in 2010 showed that couples who delay sex until their wedding night enjoy more stable and happier marriages. They also rated the quality of sex and the satisfaction in their relationships 15% and 20% higher respectively than couples who had premarital sex. The results of these studies are nothing new, says Dr. Doug Weiss, author of Clean: A Proven Plan for Men Committed to Sexual Integrity. Studies and surveys of married couples, he said, have shown positive sexual satisfaction results for decades.

“The research shows that people who have consistent sex inside of a marriage—spiritually connected sex—have the best sexual satisfaction over time,” Weiss says.

Two Pleasure Systems in the Brain

Porn and masturbation is more exciting than satisfying because we have two separate
pleasure systems in our brains: one for exciting pleasure and another for satisfying pleasure, writes Dr. Norman Doidge in The Brain that Changes Itself.

Dopamine is the neurochemical that focuses our attention, gives our brain a little feel-good reward, and helps us become aroused. The exciting system, fueled by dopamine and anticipation, is all about appetite, such as imagining your favorite meal or a sexual episode, Doidge explains. The satisfying system involves actually having the meal or having sex, which provides a calming, fulfilling pleasure. This system releases opiate-like endorphins that provide feelings of peace and euphoria.

Pornography excites the appetite system, Doidge writes, because dopamine likes things that are new and different. But the satisfying system is left starving for the real thing, which includes actual touching, kissing, caressing, and a connection not only with the body but also the mind and soul. Real and meaningful intimacy ignites the satisfying system, and in addition to dopamine, it releases oxytocin and endorphins that provide feelings and emotions of fulfillment.

Sex is for Intimacy

The porn-saturated brain is stuck on sex, but real sex is intended for intimacy, explains Dr. William Struthers in Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain. A brain trained by porn is fixated on multiple partners, images, and sexual scenarios, but real sexual intimacy is designed for exclusive sharing. The neural pathways for porn are built for speed, but satisfying sex is designed for the slow and evolving discovery and appreciation of a loving partner. Porn seeks relief through masturbation, but the effects are fleeting and habit forming to the point of compulsion and addiction. Meanwhile a committed couple can have long and satisfying encounters with unending variety for expressing intimacy that are not genitally oriented.

Unlike a porn video or a magazine, sex with a real-life committed partner has many points of arousal and satisfaction, from words and tones of voice, to touch, to the temperature of skin, and many other interactions. Yes, dopamine likes novelty. For the porn user that means more porn, but in a committed relationship novelty never has to end.

“Fortunately, lovers can stimulate their dopamine, keeping the high alive, by injecting novelty into their relationship,” Dr. Doidge writes. “When a couple goes on a romantic vacation or tries new activities together, or wear new kinds of clothing, or surprise each other, they are using novelty to turn on the pleasure centers, so that everything they experience, including each other, excites and pleases them.”

Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/93963757@N05/

The post Why Porn Hurts Marriages (and why marital sex is so much hotter than porn) appeared first on Covenant Eyes.

“Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; love and faithfulness go before you.” – Psalm 89:14

Coming out of law school I thought I had all the tools I would need to “do justice,” meaning, kicking in brothel doors and defending victims trapped in the bondage of sexual exploitation. But through years of study and God’s continual and gentle revelation, the Lord opened my eyes to see the centrality of sex—how we bear the image of God as males or females—and that at the root of injustice is an impurity of heart and mind that breeds infidelity, objectification, and selfishness.

A truth we are faced with every day at pureHOPE is that driving the global sex trade is a consumer demand fired by lust and fueled by porn and sexualized culture. Moreover, we see that the soil in which that lust takes root is personal brokenness.

This understanding was the genesis of The pureJUSTICE Journey, a free, six-session small group study meant to guide people through what the Bible reveals to us about the connected injustices of sex trafficking and pornography, and more importantly the interwoven virtues of purity and justice, and how each of us can love others and affect change by pursuing healing, purity, and justice in our everyday lives.

The pureHOPE staff, our college interns, and many others across the country have walked through the study, and the impact is always profound. One small group leader at a church in Kansas told me that by the time they finished the first session, people were confessing sin and pain, including childhood sexual abuse, for the first time. God’s Word will do that, because He is a loving and gracious Father Who wants to heal and forgive!

Here’s what a few individuals have told us after completing the study:

“The Bible study really enabled me to see how justice and God’s plan and our sexualized culture are related, which is crucial to be able to live in that culture while fighting against it. It encouraged and equipped me to better reflect God’s heart.”

“This Bible study expanded and enriched my understanding of God’s justice and what his call to righteousness means for us as His people. To act rightly is not just to avoid sin, but to actively work for reconciliation and renewal in a broken world. I learned I could not in good conscience sever my faith from even the most private and intimate aspects of my life.”

“As my knowledge of the reality of sexual exploitation grew, I began to run faster and harder to God’s word. His justice, righteousness, and love became increasingly evident when presented next to the stark contrast of the sexual brokenness that exists in our world. The Bible study allowed me to experience His goodness and His peace despite the troubling and disheartening reality of porn and trafficking.”

I hope you’ll join us on The pureJUSTICE Journey and discover for yourself, wherever you are in life, that our King will not break a bruised reed, but will faithfully establish justice and lead us on paths of healing (Isaiah 42).

Download the study for free at purehope.net/resources and discover biblical answers to questions like the following:

• When there is no justice, whose sin is responsible?
• What effects does impurity, particularly sexual impurity, have in our heart?
• Is there hope?

. . . .

Noel Bouché is the President of pureHOPE, where he focuses on developing strategy and building ministry partnerships with churches, organizations, and individuals across the country. Noel speaks regularly on the topics of Christian sexual ethics, prudent technology use in the mobile age, and the nature of and connections between pornography, prostitution, sex trafficking, and other forms of commercial sex. Prior to joining pureHOPE, he was a litigation attorney and worked in law firms in New York, Washington, DC, and Cincinnati.

The post The pureJUSTICE Journey: A Sex Trafficking Bible Study appeared first on Covenant Eyes.

My husband and I recognized early on in parenthood that we were greatly blessed to be raising God’s children. This is a privilege our Father has given us. We understood that it was our job to protect our children and show them Jesus. This job is not to be taken lightly.

Our world is constantly changing. What was not acceptable fifty years ago, or even ten years ago, is common practice and very much accepted today. For many, modesty and purity are not just taken lightly but are even a joke. This makes it difficult to guard what our children see and keep pure hearts. Movies that were rated R when I was a child are now easily rated PG-13 and some even PG.

We monitor what television shows they watch, yet the commercials look as though they are more of an ad for an X-rated movie than a fast food chain or perfume. Television shows and movies geared toward children and family are filled with scantly dressed teens and far too much physical contact.

We strive to monitor what they see online. But if they miss a letter or add an extra letter in their address by mistake, they could be taken to a website that will draw them down a dreadful path. Several times I have typed a phrase into a search engine and just a single letter off and I am directed to websites full of evil.

I am a social media junkie. I love Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram, just to name a few, but even these wonderful sites that connect us with friends and family hundreds of miles away can have things seen on them that are harmful to our spirit. With these social medias available on not only computers, but also on cell phones, iPads, Kindles and other devices, we must be on alert at all times.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

Covenant Eyes is a wonderful tool to help hold us accountable for what we view online and to help us monitor what our precious children see. It is too easy to think we are alone so we may view something that may not help keep us heaven-minded. Our teens may struggle with curiosity or peer pressure and choose to look at things that will cloud their view of God. But if we know that our Covenant Eyes Accountability Partner will have access to what we see, we are more careful.

My family uses Covenant Eyes on our two computers, two Kindles, and all cell phones. If it has access to the Internet, it has Covenant Eyes. I refuse to be lackadaisical on something so important. I refuse to take a chance with my children’s hearts and relationships with God. I refuse to let something come in between my relationship with my husband or my walk with God.

It is time we stand up for our families and guard our hearts.

. . . .

Jenifer Metzger and her husband, Jeremy, have been married for fifteen years and have four children that she calls her blessings from heaven. She is a housewife and homeschooling mom. Jenifer’s husband is the children’s pastor at their church and she enjoys serving alongside him. Jenifer is a woman learning to say yes to God and excited with the journey He is taking her on.

Connect with Jenifer:
Website - Facebook - Twitter - E-mail

The post Guarding My Family’s Hearts Online: Internet Safety for Everyone appeared first on Covenant Eyes.

However, years later, Josh and Serena are not only reconciled, but thriving in their marriage.

What happened? Who came to the rescue?

The Choice to Get Distance

Someone who is constantly running to pornography or cybersex can be difficult to help, but help becomes impossible if that person is unwilling to listen or take responsibility.

Despite repeated appeals from his family, Josh continued down his dark path. He had already moved out of his house, was planning to move in with his mistress, and had made it clear that his life was his own—no one was allowed to tell him what to do.

But on the morning of November 15, 2007, Josh’s conscience caught up with him. Something snapped in Josh’s mind. Still enslaved to his addictions and lust, Josh called Serena and asked if he could come home. He didn’t want to lose her and his children.

From there the journey of restoration began.

They decided their marriage was worth saving. He took a 50% cut in income to move with his family to Colorado—putting distance between himself and his former life. But more importantly, this move brought them closer to a new church community.

And it was at this church he encountered a kind of accountability he had never known before.

The Choice to Cry for Help

During a mountain retreat sponsored by his church, Josh experienced a fellowship of friendship that was invaluable. On Friday night a group of men sat in a circle in their cabin when one of the men pulled out a stack of picture cards and asked the guys to choose one that they believed illustrated their life at that time. Josh picked out a picture of an old, rusty bike—no wheels, no chain, useless.

When asked about his card, Josh hoped he would not have to divulge too much information. But the men pressed him—and at that moment the floodgates opened. He confessed everything to this new band of brothers: the porn, the cheating, the lying. All the details came out.

The men gathered around him, embraced him, prayed for him, and built up his fragile heart. It was the beginning of some great friendships.

The Choice to Be Accountable

After the mountain retreat, a small group of men began meeting weekly to encourage each other. Like Josh, these men had also divulged their dirty and sordid pasts during the retreat. He knew, meeting with them, they were men who had experienced great changes in their lives. They were men who knew the allure of sin, but they also knew how to fight it.

Every man in Josh’s group had Covenant Eyes Accountability Software on their computers. Each week they would get one another’s Internet reports, giving a detailed list of all the websites they had visited. As they met weekly to encourage one another, they weren’t afraid to call Josh out if they saw something questionable in his life—online or offline.

Over time, these friendships molded Josh into a new man. More than just Josh being accountable to them, they felt accountable for him. They were going to help Josh be a man of integrity, even in the messiest seasons of failure.

(Read or listen to more of Josh and Serena’s story.)

8 Steps for Accountability Partners

Josh’s story is sadly common. For many young men today, viewing Internet pornography is a weekly occurrence. For young women as well, nearly one in five view porn habitually.

What can an accountability partner do to effectively help someone caught in the trap of a nasty porn habit?

If there has been questionable Internet use, it might feel awkward at first to have a conversation about it. But remember, Internet accountability is not about catching your friend red-handed. It is about learning ways to motivate them to develop new habits of thinking, feeling, and acting. You are not a cop; you are a coach.

If you notice repeated problems, here are eight steps to follow with your friend.

1. Set aside time to talk. Don’t try to squeeze the conversation into a busy day. Plan a time to talk face-to-face or over the phone. Josh met with his accountability partners weekly, regardless of what was on the report.

2. Listen first. Don’t feel the need to give advice right away. Be a good sounding board. Let your friend talk about what he or she did, why it happened, and how your friend feels about it? Letting your friend open up is vital.

3. Ask your friend how you can challenge him/her. Don’t feel the pressure to know what to say or do. Ask your friend, “When these things happen, what it the best way for me to encourage you? How can I support you?” Just as Josh learned, the more he met with his accountability partners, the more intuitive they became in knowing how to help him.

4. Praise the small steps. Remember, even being able to open up about something that one is ashamed of is a step in the right direction. Tell your friend you are glad he or she is willing to talk out loud about it. Look for small changes over time and point out that you notice them.

5. Plan preventative steps. Look for patterns in your friend’s life that seem to lead to inappropriate Internet use. Does temptation strike in a certain place, a time of day, when he or she is in a certain mood, or after a certain event? Brainstorm practical ways your friend can put a wall between himself/herself and the temptation. Like Josh’s friendships, make it a goal to fight temptation together.

6. Tap the power of positive motivations. Ask your friend, “What do you have to gain in life by avoiding these temptations? Instead of giving into this temptation, what kind of person do you want to become?” Josh’s friends, in both their words and example, helped Josh have a bigger vision for his life. He began to long to be a better husband, a better father, and a man of consistent faith and courage.

7. Tap the power of negative motivations. Ask your friend, “If you continue doing this over and over, what do you stand to lose in your life?” Don’t be afraid of confrontation. Josh’s friends didn’t shy away from “getting in his face” when it was needed. Be gracious, but tell it to your friend straight.

8. Recognize when others are needed. Sometimes others need to be brought into the accountability relationship: a spouse, parent, mentor, counselor, or spiritual leader. Recognize when you need help or when others need to know.

To have a quick reminder of these steps, download this Accountability Partner Checklist.

A Word from Josh’s Wife

Serena loves the role Josh’s accountability partners have played in his life.

This group of men continues to stand alongside Josh as brothers in battle; they aren’t afraid to tell Josh he has messed up or that he needs to fix some things. They love him for all of his successes, and they don’t continually remind him of his failures. He can talk freely to them, but it’s up to him to be honest. They have learned to read through the lies, but they also love him in spite of the hurt.

Having Covenant Eyes has given me security, knowing that the computer is not being used to feed Josh’s addictions. I don’t worry about what he is looking at on the computer, and it is a big relief. Covenant Eyes does not cure the problem, but it definitely helps build trust. And having other people hold Josh accountable is, by far, the best part of it. If he acts inappropriately, I know he will have to answer to his brothers.

Choose to be that kind of friend to someone who is fighting to keep a pure mind and heart…and computer. Women like Serena are dying for potential friends like you to step up.

Pure Minds Online | Issue 32 | More in this issue: 4 Ways Porn Kills Great Sex In Marriage | 10 Monsters in our House | A Clear Life

Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/-xcott-/

The post When Porn is on the Report: 8 Steps for Accountability Partners appeared first on Covenant Eyes.

Our browser has been out for about three and a half years. It monitors all its own Internet activity, providing users with accountability for where they go online. Over the years is has undergone a variety of changes and improvements, but the addition of filtering will be our biggest change yet.

Want to be notified when the iPhone filter is released? Give us your e-mail and we’ll get in touch with you the day it is released!

The post New Filter is Coming for iPhone®, iPod touch®, and iPad® appeared first on Covenant Eyes.

In this video neuroscientist William Struthers talks about how you can be a good friend to someone who is harming themselves with repeated use of pornography.

How do you hold someone accountable for their use of pornography? Struthers mentions several good points…

1. Avoid shaming

Guilt is that feeling we get when we believe we have failed before a standard. Shame, by contrast, is when we feel we have failed before the eyes of another. That other person could be a spouse, friend, parent, or even be a “cosmic” sense of shame (believing one has failed “everyone” or “God”). Shame is relational.

If someone is using porn and already feels a deep sense of shame, it is important for you to help them not to compound that shame needlessly. Your tone of voice, body language, and words need to communicate: “Your wrongdoing has not caused a breach between us.”

2. Tap the power of negative consequences

All the same, we need to not shy away from talking about the real harms of porn.

As a good accountability partner to your friend, ask him or her, “What do you have to gain in life by avoiding these temptations? Instead of giving into this temptation, what kind of person do you want to become?” Or ask, “If you continue doing this over and over, what do you stand to lose in your life?”

Help them vocalize the reasons why avoiding pornography is a good thing.

3. Acknowledge their responsibility

When accountability is divorced from personal responsibility, we will be disappointed every time. In the end, it is not your job to change your friend’s life. It is not your job to reach your friend’s goals for him or her. Your friend must completely own his or her mistakes, messes, weaknesses, habits, and character.

The post How do I hold someone accountable for their porn use? appeared first on Covenant Eyes.

Overcoming a pornography habit or addiction isn’t just about staying away from porn. Much more is needed.

Neurologists show that to overcome bad habits and addictions, a person needs to build new and positive habits in his or her life, which will in turn create new and positive neural pathways. Simply avoiding bad habits leads to failure. Spending time thinking about avoiding porn can bring up the mind’s storehouse of images, videos, and encounters, which can lead to anxiety and tension that begs for release. New and rewarding pathways are needed to avert crashes.

Neurologists agree that the old neural pathways that lead to bad behaviors and acting out won’t go away, but intentionally creating new pathways allows a person to pursue healthy interests instead. Over time and after building new and positive habits and ignoring paths to porn use, the cravings for porn and the constant cues for sexual thought will diminish and willpower will return. With practice, patience, and perseverance, freedom from porn can be the new reality.

While that sounds simple, dopamine-driven habits developed over years of repetition are extremely difficult to ignore in favor of new healthy alternatives. Men and women who have masturbated to pornography since adolescence have massive numbers of neural pathways and cues that lead them back again and again to pornography. The desire feels more like a survival need, similar to food, water, and shelter. Avoiding acting out feels unhealthy, both physically and mentally. How will they cope with stress, boredom, painful memories, sexual impulses, and even their daily routine?

Often when the porn struggler thinks about avoiding pornography, the desire and obsession for acting out becomes even more intense, dominating his or her thoughts and fantasies. Because personal resistance to these porn cues is so weak, acting out is typically not far away, and with each failure the notion of being free sounds like a fairy tale. It’s typical for a man who is struggling with porn to convince himself that no man is really free from pornography, avoidance only occurs in short spurts, and living without pornography will cause his mind, his marriage, and his life more problems than wellbeing.

Of course, with help and work, men and women do break free from bad habits and addictions, including those who feel unable to break free from masturbation and pornography. Instinctively, the vast majority of those struggling with porn know that freedom is possible. They are just unsure of how to get there.

There is likely no single magic formula, no one-size-fits-all recovery system, but therapists and neurologists point to common strategies and steps that lead to real and long-term freedom.

Read more in The Porn Circuit…

The post Habits of Freedom: How to Quit Porn appeared first on Covenant Eyes.

Truthfully, I’ve never been much of a fan of “canned sermons.” Most pastors I know don’t like them either. They are justifiably skeptical of another person’s research and exegesis. Every pastor’s presentation style is different.

However, preaching about lust or pornography in many churches can be difficult. There are many good questions pastors should ask about how to effectively preach on these topics.

For the pastors reading, I wanted to pass along a resource for your preaching and teaching: “A Bird’s Eye View of Lust and Pornography.”

This book consists of three sample chapters from the Covenant Eyes publication, Porn-Free Church: Raising up gospel communities to destroy secret sins. They were originally written as sermons, based on the book of Proverbs.

I wrote these chapters for two reasons. I believe there is need for pastors to talk about the temptations of lust and pornography in ways that are (1) exegetically sound, and (2) experientially helpful. If the statistics are any indication, there are likely many who worship in your congregation who are fighting lust, tooth and nail, and are habitually losing the battle. They desperately need to hear that the Word of God not only “gets” their struggle, but that the gospel offers solutions and hope.

The information here is based on years of research about the insidious nature of Internet pornography and the people it ensnares. I hope these chapters spark ideas for you, giving you a place to start. Preach them as they are. Adapt them. Take points you like and leave out others you don’t.

I pray that as you preach, truth will set your people free.

Download the resource (or the full e-book) here.

The post Free Sermon Series: A Bird’s Eye View of Lust and Pornography appeared first on Covenant Eyes.

Cartoon by Jerry King

The room is dark. The green monster covered in scales draws closer. He silently slides out from under the bed and slowly rises to meet eyes with your child, who sits paralyzed on the bed. The room is deathly quiet. Your child tries to cry out, but only a whisper comes from his lips. Reluctantly and with great fear, he reaches for the bedside lamp. Click! The light is on and the monster has vanished.

Knowledge is power when it comes to dealing with monsters. Everyone knows monsters can’t live in the light.

10 Monsters in Our Home

Our children are older now, but we still have monsters in our house. Ten helpful yet dangerous monsters. They assist with shopping, schoolwork, send letters, and entertain us. I was surprised when I counted them—10 Internet accessible devices.

My children have a natural understanding of digital devices. By the age of 12 our son knew more about computer troubleshooting and repair than my husband, Rick. This was quite a feat, since Rick is an electronics guru who cut his teeth on MS DOS.

On the other hand, I kept my head in the sand regarding technology. I didn’t want to converse about it. I didn’t want to know what was possible to see online. I didn’t want to know anything more than how to search for a recipe and check my e-mail. Because I wanted my children to have plenty of time for play, I limited their time in front of the computer. The single computer we owned was in a central location. I only allowed my children to go online with one of us in the room. If we were not in the room, they had to sit together.

One day my oldest son said to me “Mom, we need an Internet filter.” Although I was in the house, I had completely missed their unintentional introduction to porn. My children were 8 and 12 years old sitting together looking for Lego sets when a search on Google exposed them to a host of inappropriate images.

The Monster that Devours our Children

Technology is changing our social processes. Our children live in a sexualized culture. Sensual images fill the mall, line the expressway, and are a constant feed online. Cartoon and anime porn are popular with both adults and children. Gone are the days when the corner store was the only place to find pornography. The person who has an Internet accessible device has a porn magazine at their fingertips.

Staying abreast of the latest technology is an important responsibility for parents who want to protect their children. Children exposed to porn are more likely to experience feelings such as depression, anxiety, helplessness and guilt. Since all Internet accessible devices come with the capacity for secret pornography and cyberbullying, how can parents effectively protect their children?

Protect from the Monster

Does your child have an Internet accessible device they use regularly? Find out if the device can be protected by accountability or filtering software. If no protection software is available for the device, see if the Internet browser can be disabled. If not, think twice about allowing your children to use it. A convenient listing of devices that can and cannot be protected by Internet accountability software is provided in this Buyers Guide for Internet Devices.

Turn on the Light and make the Monster Disappear

Children may balk at the idea of filtering Internet access or an accountability report of their Internet activity. Teens assume they have a right to privacy regarding their time online. “When Internet accountability is what everyone in the home does, teens are less likely to feel like they are being singled out,” says Luke Gilkerson, who discusses five effective things you can do if accountability causes disagreement in your household.

The single most important step for all parents is to model transparency in their online interactions. As a parent, you must set the example and hold yourself accountable for online activity, too. If you choose to protect your family with accountability or filtering software, discuss the idea of integrity, responsibility, and model accountability.

When our oldest son went to college, Rick and I suggested that he become our accountability partner. He receives our reports on a regular basis, just as we receive his. As I look back, we should have added him as our partner much earlier. Utilize the accountability reports and send your online activity to your teenagers. Allow them to hold you accountable for your online activity as you are holding them accountable.

Don’t be a Monster while Fighting the Monsters—Don’t Spy

Some parents of teenagers wish to avoid conflict regarding Internet use, but still want to know what their teens are doing online. Parents can spy on their children in two ways:

1. Inform their children they are installing software on everyone’s Internet accessible devices and will be monitoring online use, yet not engage in meaningful conversations about Internet integrity. “It is essential that a parent’s leadership in this is genuine: don’t use personal accountability merely as a pretense to spy on your kids. Teens are too smart to fall for that,” Gilkerson says.
2. Instead of an open and honest conversation about Internet integrity, parents secretly install software on their teen’s computer to monitor online activity. Patrick Smith discusses this practice in an article called “Spying vs Accountability: What’s the difference?” While a parent should have access to their teen’s Internet activity, spying on them is not acceptable. Spying destroys trust between a child and parent.

Transparency, discussion, and mutual accountability are key to avoiding the spying trap. “Both parties enter into accountability relationships intent on openness and honesty. Because of this foundation, accountability builds trust over time,” Smith says.

Open conversations initiated by a loving parent about proper behavior on the web and the dangers of inappropriate material should become as natural between parents and children as conversations about fitness, strangers, and home emergency drills.

No More Monsters Under the Bed

You are the catalyst to help your children live with integrity in an impure world. To be effective, parents must sacrifice time, energy, and resources. Accountability is important in all our interactions, not just those online. Children must realize that responsibility and integrity is a part of life.

Although protecting your children isn’t only about accountability and filtering software, that’s a great place to start and will begin the conversation. Turn the light on your family Internet activity and make those hidden monsters vanish.

Pure Minds Online | Issue 32 | More in this issue: When Porn is on the Report | 4 Ways Porn Kills Great Sex In Marriage | A Clear Life

The post 10 Monsters in Our House: When Online Porn Attacks our Home appeared first on Covenant Eyes.

I’m not referring to the projects you are completing at school or at work. I’m not referring to the New Year’s Resolutions that have survived the first five months. I’m not talking about what you are working on. I’m talking about what you value.

For most of us, family and God would be in our top 5 priorities. It is highly likely that porn would not be in that list. None of us get up and put “fall to porn” on our to-do list for today. We don’t pencil it in on our calendar, set an alert in our phone, or leave notes around the house reminding ourselves to make some time for porn today.

Still, we do.

The Idol of Porn

At the height of my struggle with pornography, I was watching hardcore videos while my college roommate slept in the bunk behind me. At any moment, she could have woken up, seen what I was doing and that would have been the end. While the thought of that scared me, my actions showed that I did not care. If you had asked me if porn was a priority in my life, I would have told you no. School was the “priority” of my life. Still, I would stay up at night spending hours searching for porn, only to sleep through my 8 a.m. Chemistry class. School might have been a priority, but it wasn’t the priority.

We always make time for what is most important to us. If you value family more than work, then you might pass on a business trip in order to stay with your family. If you value fellowship with believers over fellowship with unbelievers, you may pass on an invitation for happy hour in order to go to a church retreat. Whether consciously or not, we make decisions every day based on our priorities. We prioritize our lives, and divide our time accordingly.

If we look at things we prioritize, then many would have to admit that porn is, in fact, a priority—a huge priority. We like to use Christianese words like “idols” but that makes it sound as if you misused your time by worshiping idols instead of worshiping God. It makes it sound casual, and while it is an idol, it is more than an idol. It is an idol we make a point of worshiping. It is an idol, we risk life, limb, and reputation to worship. It is a priority that usurps all other priorities. It is its own to-do list that never ends.

The Idol of Self

Your lust is never happy. It is never satisfied. You can never put a check in that box. You can never cross it off.

We need to remove it from the list altogether.

That, of course, is easier said than done. Addiction to pornography is real, and there is a real rewiring that needs to take place. I could not just walk into a dark house put a light switch on a wall, flip it and expect lights to come on. Walls have to be torn up, fixtures have to be installed, wires have to be strung and the power has to be connected. You need brokenness, accountability, and confession. The reason we don’t like that is because our priority is our own desires. We desire ourselves more than anything else.

That is the root of pornography—a desire to please myself at whatever cost. It may cost me my family, my job, my marriage, my friends, my ministry, my health, or my sex drive, but that doesn’t matter because I want this, and I want it now. So, no, I will not confess this to people. No, I will not risk intimacy with a person. No, I will not make time to be inconvenienced by people.

The advances of technology make it more and more convenient to please ourselves. Everything is available instant, anonymous, and free. Our world is so catered to self that it takes a great degree of self-control and focus to kick self off the throne of our hearts, but that is what we are called to do as Christians.

Christ’s To-Do List

Christ gave us our priorities for life. First, we are to love God with all of our hearts, souls, and minds. Second, we are to love others as ourselves. The only time our self is mentioned is when it is set forth as a standard for how we are to love others. We should evaluate our priorities based on those two standards: is this loving God? Is this loving others?

Pornography is an isolating sin. It cuts you off from fellowship with community, church, and family. It creates a world that completely revolves around you because you are the only person in it. So, one of the most vital steps for you to take to find freedom is to de-prioritize yourself. Make it priority to de-prioritize yourself, and you’ll find the strength of your struggle weakening. Pornography exalts itself on the platform of self.

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